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OK...I just tried to post and it won't allow me to post this....arghhhhh!!!

A Very Hard Time For Us

I guess I'll begin at the beginning. My last post announced my pregnancy. That was on the 31st of May.

I am pregnant...I think. Really I'm not sure. Until yesterday I thought I had a seven week old fetus growing happily and healthily inside my uterus. But that was yesterday.

I was diagnosed with low Progesterone (the hormone that keeps your uterine lining in place to feed the potential pregnancy, when it gets low that is what triggers your menstrual flow). I have been on oral progesterone and injection progesterone, plus a drug called Metformin to lower my insulin. These are all common drugs to be on when you are pregnant and have PCOS.

It's been quite the roller coaster. I have been prescribed 2cc's of injected progesterone once a day. it hurts a lot to get these shots in my butt!! Not only does it hurt getting them but it hurts my whole backside...I'm numb with patches of itchy painful spots. Not fun, but I am willing to do that because it's what my Doctor says I should do to keep this pregnancy. Not really a big deal in the end.

My hCG quantities have been rising steadily and appropriately, signaling a healthy developing fetus. I have been so excited every time I get that phone call saying "The quantitative hCG is 162." The next week it was in the 3000 range and the next week in the 9000 range. This week it should have been about 30,000.

Yesterday I went in for my first ultrasound that would show us the tiny heart beating of the baby my husband and I helped create. This was a trans-vaginal ultrasound. Not fun, but any discomfort was put aside with the excitement of seeing that tiny fluttering movement of the heart, and to see the tiny little bean of a human inside its protective sac.

We saw the my cervix, we saw my uterus, we saw a sac. We didn't see a baby. Just an empty sac with nothing inside to indicate a life. Empty.

I knew right away too, my brain went into survival mode and I couldn't really feel anything, but listen to the Doctor as he probed deeper to get different angles of the gestational sac. At first he told us that it was only measuring 5 weeks but then on a different angle it measured a more normal 7 weeks. But at no time did I see any little bean, let alone a heart beating. And the Doctor was quiet. He told me to take a break and to go use the restroom so I did.

When I came back he repeated the entire thing. Still nothing. He told us that in about 85% of patience at this place gestationally he sees the baby and its heart beating away. So that leaves us in the possible 15% or so chance that there IS a baby but he just can't seem to find the right angle to detect it. He said we'd do some blood work and see what the hCG was, that should give us more information.

I got a call about 4pm yesterday saying my blood work was around 9000 last week and should be about 30,000 this week but it was only 16,000. More devastation. This has been a really hard 24 hours for my husband and I.

It seems our baby has stopped developing. We don't know when though. I've done some research in this and it seems this type of miscarriage is very common. It has a name too. Blighted Ovum. I don't have a baby I have a Blighted Ovum.

Now...because I am a hopeful person..I have some thoughts on this bad news. First...we could be in that 15% range that I really am pregnant still. Oh! And one more thing...I have thought all along that my due date is about 7-8 day past when they calculate that I ovulated. So the baby might well be a week or more younger than they predict. I keep very good record of when I ovulate and I nearly always ovulate a week or more past "normal". And the hCG doesn't always go up according to the perfect little chart. And miracles do happen. In fact, this baby is one of them already even if it isn't alive any more. So there! Take that pessimistic side. Take that scientific researcher side. Take that 'I just want closure and to move on' tendencies.

We have another ultrasound scheduled for Friday. We'll see then...oh and more blood work.