Saturday, January 28, 2012

Kindle and Kindle

For Christmas my Husband got me an Android Media Pad (or Notebook).  I have been wanting a Kindle every since I was able to accept the fact that it would, indeed, be more convenient.  Books can be very expensive.  I love books.  Love everything about them, the crispness of the paper, the cracking sound of when you first open a brand new book, the smoothness of the pages, and the way I can get totally lost in a story.  And of course I love the smell.  As I was growing up there were two kinds of stores I loved and could consider owning when I grew up.  One was a book store, the other a feed store.  Both of those places I love for their smell.

Anyway, you probably get my point. I love to read.  Technology takes me time to grow to like.  But once I decided I wanted an E-book Reader I really wanted one badly.  I am so glad Eric got me this one.  It was less expensive than a Kindle, but has a lot of neat things you can do on it, besides read.

I just finished reading a book I have wanted to read since it came out this year: The Land of the Painted Caves, by Jean M. Auel.  I have read every other book in the Earth's Children Series starting when I was 9 years old.  To my sadness this was the last book in the series.  I hate when I get towards the ending of a book, it gives me actual anxiety -- weird? Yes I know.  Since this was the last book in the series I was really quite agitated by the time I got to the last chapter.  It was good but I have a touch of disappointment with the ending.  It felt incomplete to me and felt as if Mr. Auel was in a hurry to be done with it.  Part of me feels like she may even write another book.  If she doesn't I really hope a good movie team picks up the series.  It would make great film if they stayed true to the story enough.

I have been trying to occupy my mind lately with other things besides pregnancy, conceiving, blah, blah, blah.  It gets tiresome after several months and I always have to take a break from it.

Speaking of babies :) I have a rabbit ready to kindle (LOL just realised why I like the name of the Kindle Ebook reader).  She is a Champagne D'argent doe -- a meat breed.  This breed is a French heritage breed, they are not commercial rabbits but produce a nice large, meaty carcass at about 8-12 weeks of age.  I have been very happy with this breed.  My buck is a New Zealand and mixing the two has been a great choice because the babies grow even faster and are very heavy by an early age.  They are beautiful too.  Anyhow, this doe is a doe I chose to keep back from my very first litter of meat rabbits.  She is a pure Champagne and I loved her Mother, who was a very good Mother and easy keeper from the first time she had a litter.  I kept this doe back out of three to choose from, she was the most physically balanced of the three does, and the heaviest at her age.  She has not disappointed me with her growth.

I put her nest box in with her today.  I was "smart" and lined it thickly with newspaper because the nest box is metal and it is not the warmest weather of the year.

I just went out to check my little lady and to my delight she is nesting, to my chagrin she has chosen to nest outside of the box.  The only thing she has found use of the box is the newspaper which she has uniformly shredded and placed in the opposite corner along with a bunch of hay.  I admit I am impressed with now neatly the newspaper was shredded, but wish she would have chosen the box.  I am slightly concerned that she might have eaten some of the newspaper as she was making an exaggerated chewing motion the entire time I was picking out the paper.  It may be because she is in early labor though.  I moved the nest box to her chosen corner (which is also her potty corner dang-it!).  I added another several handfuls of hay and she immediately started rebuilding her nest inside the box.  It is rather cute to see her gathering huge mouthfuls of hay and carrying them around and placing them so carefully inside the box.  Then she rearranges it.  I will go check on her a couple more times tonight in hopes to catch her before she starts to kindle.  If she has those babies outside that box they have no hope.  It is not unusual for a first time momma rabbit to have her babies "on the wire" -- anywhere outside of the insulated nest box.  They die quickly, being born with nearly no hair and quite helpless.

I am finding this new mother stuff with the rabbits to be a little stressful.  This breeding took two months and a lot of time to complete.  Miss Bunny wasn't cooperating with our buck, despite his best efforts to woo her.  The second month was better and I've known she was pregnant for the past two weeks when I could first feel her babies moving around in her tummy.

I will probably wake up at least once during the night to go check on her too.  I really don't want to have to dispose of a whole litter of them in the morning.  If I can save them I will.  They are food, but until they are in my freezer I really care about them and feel terrible when one dies outside of slaughter for consumption.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Just Another Blog Post :)

I have noooo idea what to blog about today.  This might be one of my worse blog entries, we'll see how this goes.

I am all alone in my house, that is a miracle that doesn't happen that often.  Since Hannah is in preschool I guess it happens about twice a week, sometimes less, but never more.  Eric is home taking his last few days of vacation before the-powers-that-be start a new vacation accruing year and the time starts over.  You'd think that would happen on January 1st, but it doesn't in large companies.  I have no idea why.

Hubby has been home with me for several days and we are really enjoying our time together.  He is happy and so are Hannah and I.  Last night she asked if she could sleep with us.  This is the first time this has ever come up.  Part of me was thinking, "yay!! I'd love to have your little warm body next to me all night, being able to smell you and snuggle you. It would be soooo fun to wake up to you."  And part of me was like, "Heck NO!  between your father snoring and you kicking me I wouldn't get a second of real sleep."  When I told Hannah to ask Eric he dutifully told her "no".  But the part of me that wanted her to sleep with us was stronger than the other part and I was a touch disappointed with his answer. 

I really want to be eating something very very spicy and a touch sweet right now.  The thought of Thai food makes me mouth water so much I think I might need to wear a bib.

Speaking of food, I am considering adding a separate tab just to blog about my cooking and my recipes.  I recently made Hummus for the first time, home made and it was the best I have ever had!!  I didn't have fresh parsley to add to it, but I had dried.  My dilemma was that dried parsley doesn't taste anything like fresh....however...I did have dried basil, which, if used sparingly, is a pretty close scent and flavor to fresh parsley.  So I ended up putting a little dried parsley and basil (just a touch though) and also modified the recipe by adding some fresh lemon zest. -- I am a certified lemon-holic!!! -- Much to my delight I loved it.  Everyone at the potluck seemed to love it too.  The entire thing was gone by the end of the evening.  It was a tad heavy on the garlic though, but honestly it grew on me.  I think I might use less next time and compare notes.

Cooking is a hobby for me and I really love it.  Sometimes I get sick of it because it is such an every day thing.  But I can keep myself interested by trying new recipes or changing old ones.

I also have a surprise blog entry that won't be ready for a while, it will be a running commentary over the next couple weeks.  It will be kinda like a more specific blow-by-blow, thought-by-thought kind of thing.  Stay tuned for that :)

P.S. Spellcheck makes me laugh. I just love some of the suggested words they have on here.  It dinged me on "holic" after the word lemon.  And the list of suggested words for holic were: colic, Hollie, hoick (what is that??), holli, and helix. *laugh my butt off*

Friday, January 20, 2012

Black, White, and Grey

I am not a patient person, I have said so before.  My Mom really knows this about me.  She and I were talking on the phone today and I told her I don't think my Trying to Conceive journey has made me any more patient of a person as I was before.  She quickly agreed with me, possibly a little too quickly LOL!!

What I am trying to say is I seem to have several more weeks or months to wait in my journey.  I don't think I will suddenly become this uber patient person during this time either.  As I thought about ways I have changed in the last few years I can say with all honesty is I have become more patient.  Just not patient about becoming pregnant.

I am more patient with people in my life.  This holds especially true for our daughter, Hannah.  She has taught me, through love and out of love for her, to be a kinder, gentler version of my Pre-Mommy self.  No one else could cause me to bend like she has.  My husband has gentled me a little too, but not nearly in the same degree.

I am a Black-and-White thinker and reactor.  I used to have NO grey areas in my ideas, reactions, interactions, ect.  Grey scared me, made me very uncomfortable.  I might even say a grey area made me very insecure.  I didn't care for the feelings Grey Areas force me to feel. It was icky.

As I get older there's a lot more Grey Area room inside my heart and mind.  Grey Areas are areas of tolerance, acceptance, softness, humility, and forgiveness within my heart.  Grey Areas are still areas I struggle with every day.  I am still a Black-and-Whiter, it is who I was born to be.  At times it's been a learning curve that has hurt me terribly, I have carried wounds and acted like a victim because other people thrust their Grey Areas into my life.  At times Grey has been hated!!

I have learned to enjoy the Grey Areas sometimes.  Hannah has helped me so much with this.  Children are naturally more Black-and-White than grey thinkers, even if their personalities tend towards grey in the long run.  For Hannah I have had to teach her patience, which is a huge Grey Area usually.  Funny how when you teach someone else something you usually learn more about it than they do.

I see so much of my way of thinking in my daughter.  Some flattering and some not so much.  I hope she can grow up with a fondness for the Grey Areas in life, but be a steadfast Black-and-Whiter when she needs to be.  What I pray for her is a balance of the two.

I have learned patience through watching her grow.  By the Grace of God I have not forced so much Black-and-White upon her as my instincts tell me to (of course with some meaningful acceptions).  It is a struggle sometimes, to be patient when she has something or done something wrong.  I have to teach her, not just tell her right from wrong!! What good is saying something without truth to back up the idea?

So I wait, in a big huge ugly Grey Area.  Wait to know what is going to happen with my body.  In the mean time I look forward to the days with Hannah and more growing and learning on both our parts.


Sunday, January 15, 2012

Non-update Update


My "tell-all-details-as-soon-as-possible!!!" side of me has a very difficult time writing this "update".  Several people have asked me if I got a positive test from this morning.

I can't tell you.  I took a test, actually I took 3 of them.  (Got rid of the last two Internet cheapies. Hey why not?).  I have results but I have sworn myself and my husband I wouldn't tell announce anything on my Blog just yet.  I will say that I am somewhat neutral right now...if that tells you anything.

Eric hid my tests today, he almost left for work without hiding them.  Then he grabbed them and went out into the garage with them. I had to stop him because the freezing temperatures we're having at night I am sure aren't compatible with these products.

Want to hear something pathetic?  This totally confirms my addiction.  After Eric left I found myself trying to mentally tally the dollars in my purse because the Dollar Tree has pregnancy tests.  Uhhh yeah!  Terrible right?  After I realized what I was doing I stopped right then and I didn't have the urge for the rest of the day.  Actually I found it quite freeing not having a test around to wonder about while my thoughts turn in circles of hope, then logic, then hope, then sucks and it is an emotional/mental roller coaster I want off of.  I got off of it today!! Yay ME! :)

I will test on Tuesday morning again.  But, with my new found mental freedom I might wait until Wednesday morning because that is Cycle Day 28 and the day before my expected period.  If by then I do not have signs of Aunt Flo then I know I should take a test.  It seems most logical to me. Can I do it though? Can I wait that long?  We'll see.  The more signs of A.F. the more reluctant I am to test.  If I don't start spotting by Tuesday night I will be soooooo very antsy for Wednesday AM.

On a totally unrelated (sorta, maybe not really) note, I have lost 6 pounds.  I equate that last pound gone to the Metformin.  I have now been on the 1000mg/day dose for several days and overall I am very satisfied with the results.  I am not having near as much trouble with it as I was last round.  I am taking both tablets at night before bed.  I can now recommend that others try the same thing and see if you don't feel better than taking one twice a day.

Random thought alert: My boobs hurt a lot.  They are aching even as I am sitting here typing.  Last night they were hurting laying in bed when I wasn't moving.  When I was pregnant with Hannah I had that problem to a certain extent.  But I don't remember really how it felt.  When I was pregnant in May, one of my first signs I should test was the absence of breast pain before my period. What could be more confusing than that?

Oh Yay!  I just thought of something totally unrelated to my own saga of TTCing.  Now I will talk about one of my Rabbits who TTC'd a couple weeks ago.  I confirmed pregnancy yesterday.  I could feel her babies moving and rolling inside her.  Yes, I AM living vicariously through my rabbit.  LOL!  So I will have cute baby bunnies to love on in about two weeks.  I am very, very excited and looking forward to them.  I just hope this doe is as good of a first time Mommy as her own Mother was.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Intervention Needed

I have an addiction, it is a very hard thing to admit. 

*stands up*

"Hello, my name is Jamie B. and I am addicted to peeing in a cup, then testing it for anything related to getting pregnant."

*sits down*

Anyone nodding their heads in understanding?  Anyone laughing? Good, you're supposed to.  However this is really a serious thing for me.  Eric told me tonight that I am a bonafied testing addict.

I tested today.  And got a test line visible, but I am not sure if it is a positive or an evaporation line.  Evap lines are really common and I have had them before...but this line does look a bit different to me.  We shall see tomorrow.  I got some of the good tests -- as I type that I picture myself telling you that in a dark alley with shifty eyes.  All drug dealer-ish.  These are the highest rated tests on the market. No Internet cheapies this time.  And I will take one tomorrow morning.

Here's where I have made strides in my addiction.  While purchasing "the goods", I decided I needed some help.  Like I told Eric tonight -- I have NO self control, if there is a test in the house I have to take it.  It's bad!!  Not only am I wasting money, but I am just setting myself up for failure by testing too early.  It is a roller-coaster of emotions, and more often than not, I just end up wanting to cry when I finally get Aunt Flo.  It is very difficult to feel like you're doing everything right, only to have a negative outcome month, after month, after month, after month......

So my decision is this: After tomorrows test I have asked Eric to hide the rest.  I will not go looking for them.  I know this because he always tells me where he puts my holiday/birthday gifts and I have never looked at them.  But if I know they are unavailable I will be able to focus on other things.  I will be free.

It is pretty pathetic that at 32 years old I cannot control my lust for peeing in a cup.  So I resort to this step of self-intervention...*sigh*

I will let you know how the test comes out in the morning some time. :)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Heartburn Makes Me Blog..or Barf

It's been a few days since I felt like blogging.  I have to be "in the mood" in order to feel effective.  I'm not really in the mood now.  No, rather I am killing time because I have seriously bad heartburn and know that laying down will only make it worse.

So here I sit.  I do not really have an update of much use on me trying to conceive (TTC).  I have now been on the Metformin for six days.  I have only had three days of digestive upset (aka: diarrhea) and those weren't as bad as I had remembered it being. Though, I almost want to slap my own hand for typing that because I suspect that I don't remember much of being on this dose and the horrors of the increased dosage will be made clear tomorrow when I take two in one day.  Lovely.  I have not decided if I am going to take both at once or space them 12 hours apart.  Last time I spaced them, I see no need in doing that again really, so I will be my own guinea pig.  I'll surely let you all know how it goes.

I have no pregnancy symptoms. I am only 3 days past ovulation.  I am considering Sunday to be the O day, because I got the positive OPK on Saturday morning.  This is, of course, just an educated guess.  I am really tired the last two days and sick to my stomach.  But I know that it is just the Metformin.  I can take a test really any day after tomorrow.  Seems early doesn't it?  Why, yes you are right.  My secret?  I have 5 pregnancy tests that can detect as little as 10 something-somethings (I cannot remember the until of measurement in this right now) in your pee as opposed to the 25+ something-somethings that the regular pregnancy test can read.  They measure the units of HCG or Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (human grown hormone) in the urine, anything above a measure of 5 is considered pregnant. However to get an accurate test below 10 can only be done by a blood check.  So I guess what I am trying to say is these tests are the next best thing to a blood draw. 

Long story short is I can test earlier than the 10-14 day wait.  But, and this is a big "but" -- I don't think I will test as early as they say I can.  This is because I want to know for sure, not just take a test and go in denial about the results... because that happens nearly every month.... And I am sick of it.  I want to know the first test I take. But, lets be real here.  I will take a minimum of two tests.  I accept that.  I'd just like to, for once, just wait for my period without peeing on a stick the day before, day of, and day after.  Besides, I cannot seem to aim at all and I always get my hand wet.  LOL Just kidding.  No, I USED to always get my hand wet. Now?  I pee in a cup.  Ha ha!  Now I only get the cup all wet.  Don't laugh now, it is a step in the right direction....really.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Postive Signs and Stuff

Diving right into the most exciting part of my day (so far..).  I got a positive on my Ovulation Predictor today (OPK).  I wasn't sure so I posted a couple of pictures on my Facebook hoping that some of my TTC and in-the-know friends would be able to tell me if I was looking at a positive.  The top OPK is from my first morning urine from yesterday, cycle day 15. The middle one is from my 3pm test.  Both are negative.  But the last one is from this morning's FMU and the test line showed up before the control line LOL.  It is positive for ovulation!!!  That means in the next 12-48 hours I should be ovulating.

This isn't the first cycle I have tried these tests.  I tried the first year we were TTCing.  I don't know if I ever got a positive or not, but I have one murky memory of thinking I did.  Of course I didn't get pregnant because of my Stud Muffin's little drug.  Moving on before a rant over takes me....

So I guess we shall see if I am pregnant in about 12 days.  I will count tomorrow as my ovulation date to be on the safe side and I will take my test about ten days later.

The Metformin seems to be working, or at least I am responding to it in the obvious ways I was before.  My stomach has been slightly unhappy since yesterday morning.  Then it was slightly more unhappy this morning.  Both mornings have required a sudden trip the the bathroom.  You guess what happened.  I will say, on a positive note, that I made the right choice by taking it at night because I am not quite as sick on this as I was.  But next week when I start the 500mg. BID I might be complaining to beat the band.  Wait, not, I won't be "might", no I WILL be.  I know it, you know it too.

I am still having a good rush of energy and I continue getting my house in order.  Today my goal was to finish Hannah's room project.  That has included putting in her new bookshelf, cleaning out her closet and organizing her clothes that fit and don't fit.  Taking all clothing out of her dresser and putting anything away that doesn't fit.  I am almost finished.

We have a birthday party to go to this afternoon.  I have to go and get a card for the little boy, that means I don't have to cook dinner.  This will be a FFYS dinner tonight for Eric (Fend For Yourself). LOL I am happy!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Today in Jamie Land

I am listening to Eric and Hannah play My Little Ponies together.  Eric is so wonderful with her and to her.  She eats up his play time and talks about it the next day.  They are so in love. ♥

I have been reading some other Blogs the last few days.  One trend I enjoy is the "Currently" thing where you have a list of things you are currently seeing/hearing/thinking/feeling/hoping, ect.  I am considering doing this too, though, to be honest I would feel just like a "follower" so I hesitate.  I never liked that feeling, unless I know exactly where I am being led.  Which makes me think about the less-than-glorious aspects of who I am.  Next topic. ;)

I went back on Metformin tonight. I am starting out on 500 mg./ day for the next seven days.  If you care to know what this drug does see here: Metformin and PCOS .  I am going to lose weight fairly easily on this drug as it controls my Insulin Resistance and High Testosterone issues.  Metformin also blocks a percentage of carbohydrates from going from my digestive system to my blood system.  One of the side effects is it makes you (me) sick as a dog while my body gets used to there is another way I will lose weight -- I won't be over eating at all.

After seven days on 500 mg./day I will up to 500 mg. BID, a week after that I'll take two 500 mg. once a day and then one 500 mg. 12 hours later.  Then, yep you guessed it, I go on two 500 mg. twice daily.

>> One note here: The last time I was on this drug was the same month I got pregnant.  I don't know if it was a contributing factor or not.  I got this Rx on the 19th of May and found out I was pregnant on May 31st.  I don't know if it will work that quickly, I have a feeling it doesn't, seeing how I was still on the lower doses when I got pregnant. We'll see though.

I have been feeling very, very crampy today.  Ovaries and uterus giving me fits.  I have no clue if this is a sign of impending ovulation or just cysts that are gracing me with their presence.  It could be both.  I DO know that it hurts and I say to myself, "Oh my ovaries!!"  It hurts.  Since I have trying so hard to get pregnant I am resisting most medications I would normally be ok with taking. I hesitate to take ibuprofen, acetaminophen, or allergy tabs.  This afternoon after sneezing 5 times in about two minutes I did take a Claritin. It helped a lot.

I started taking pictures of my OPK (ovulation predictors).  I think that this is cycle day 14 for me and I took a test with my first morning urine and then again after a 4 hour bathroom fast.  I will post pictures of my cycle in urine sticks when my cycle ends so that you all can see what I am looking and and looking for.  Aren't you excited?? I know you are LOL.

Its 8:05 PM on a crispy North West night.  Hannah is now watching Wonder Pets behind me and giggling.  Eric is in the shower.  I feel good.  I love my family so much, Eric, Hannah and those that extend far, blood relative or not.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Our Decisions for Fertility

Eric and I had a talk the next day after my last entry.  Was that only day before yesterday?  Probably LOL.  Anyway, we had a very good discussion.

I first told him that we have some decisions to make, one of which being how long do we try on our own before going to "the next step".  He said 4 months, I was thinking more like 3.  So we compromised at 3 with the option of waiting one more month if we feel it would be beneficial. 
I explained to him what I will be doing to assist us in the best possible ways.  First I will be doing LH (Lutenizing Hormone) testing aka: Ovulation Predictor Kit, aka OPK.  LH is the hormone that your body produces in a surge in the 48-24 hours prior to ovulation.  They are cheap tests, I got 20 of them today for about $17.00. I can get them cheaper over the internet and I will probably go that route next month if it is needed.  Obviously when you have a positive LH surge on the test you will then "baby dance" (I cringe saying that phrase, it is the TTCer's lingo) on those next couple of days hoping to cover your ovulation.  I have actually used this test before, except it was inconclusive.  I actually don't think I ovulated that month and the month I was sure I got a positive Eric was still on that blasted anti-sperm drug!

In addition to the OPK I am going on Evening Primrose Oil again this month, I had been on it last month.  EPO is supposed to make your Cervical Mucus, or CM for short, more favorable for sperm and more abundant.  I have seen it working for me, at least in the abundance area.  The issue with this month is with all the stuff surrounding the Holidays I forgot to start taking it on time.  Usually I start on cycle day 5-7 and keep taking 1000mg of it until I am sure I am not ovulating. sure as I can be with PCOS.  I am also taking a Prenatal Vitamin and Vitamin B.

I have cut down on my caffeine intake now.  I am slowly weaning myself off of one cup of coffee or tea a day down to only a half cup for the past two days.

I am starting on a better diet.  For me a better diet means pretty much one thing: I stop eating refined carbohydrates of sugar, white flour, ect.  My diet is actually very healthy otherwise.  Sugar is my downfall.  With my PCOS I have high insulin which makes me crave sugar in a very, VERY bad way.  But I can control it, and I have successfully done so in the past.  My diet is otherwise more healthy than average.  No or minimal fast food (we cannot really afford it anyway) and a lot of from-scratch cooking pretty much everything.  I am conservative with salt and use, nearly exclusively, fresh ingredients in my cooking.  We eat a lot of fresh veggies, lean meats, low fat dairy products and all of our store-bought bread is 100% whole wheat, as are most of our cereals, we eat brown rice and whole grain pasta.

Lets see what else?  I am starting to exercises again, I had been doing P90X Insanity (thank you Kay Sully!!) pretty well for a couple of weeks. But then I had to have surgery and never picked it back up.  I am starting to walk every day again.  I was supposed to start today but I forgot. Ugh!  I will start Insanity back up again after a couple of weeks of walking. I really need to start out slowly so I don't burn out.  My goal for weight loss is 15 pounds.  I have more to lose but I wanted to set a realistic and not-so-daunting goal.

I asked Eric if he would start taking his Fish Oil, which I read makes things "down there" more productive and/or better quality.  So he's taking 1000mg of high-quality fish oils a day.  Oh. And the funny part. Along with his fish oils yesterday I gave him on of my over-the-counter Prenatals. He asked me what it was and I told him.  He wasn't happy LOL!!!  He took it after I said it wouldn't do anything to him, but he only took it reluctantly.  He was still questioning me this morning.  *giggle* as if HE will get pregnant from taking them or something.

I feel really tired right now.  It is 8:10 PM and I've been awake since 7:30 AM.  I got a lot of stuff done today.  I have earned this night's rest.  Nite nite everyone. :)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year

I already said it.  This is my new year to make my blog more awesome (and consistent) than it is now.  I really want to set a goal of at least one blog entry a week.  This is my diary, kinda.  If you already read this regularly you know that I post a lot of very personal thoughts and feelings here.  Now is the time for you to bail if you don't like it.  This next year will be pivotal for me and my family.  It has to be, what would life be without conflict, resolution of conflict, lots of happy and sad times?

So this is my first blog of 2012.

On my mind right now?  Laundry, house work, parenting...getting pregnant again.  This is on the forefront of my mind.  We have been actively trying to get pregnant, officially, now for 2 years.  That's 23 months of disappointment.  It would be 24 months except I was pregnant this spring but miscarried at about 6-7 weeks. 

My husband was on a drug for about a year that kept him from producing sperm.  It took three months for his sperm production to get back to normal after stopping the drug.  That first month I could have gotten pregnant I did.  I chose to have a "natural" miscarriage, meaning I didn't go for medical care during the physical portion of the miscarriage.  In lay terms I aborted the fetus and other tissues at home without any help from my doctor.  I could have opted for a D & C but I didn't want that.

My cycle didn't seem normal (but what is normal with PCOS?) for the next couple months and I was having a lot of problems with pain.  I ended up with a D & C after all, along with a polyp-ectomy surgery.  Now I am two full cycles past my surgery and wondering if I should "let nature take its course" and "forgetting about trying to conceive" or do we go for more medical intervention?

Financially it makes sense to give it a few months.  And as I write this out and also discuss on FB with friends, it seems to make sense for Eric and I to wait a couple more cycles and try on our own.  I am one of the most impatient people in the world.  Since we have been trying for two years my patience is wearing thin, as is my emotional state surrounding pregnancy.

Not just me being pregnant but others pregnancies too.  The more I want it the harder it is for me to see others pregnant.  I allow my fears of not being pregnant again to make me feel anxious and upset.

I am getting to the point where I do not want to hear of others being pregnant.  I don't feel like I am jealous -- I do not covet their pregnancy, baby, ect.  I just would really like to have my own.  And I wonder, quite honestly, if God wants us to have another baby.

I have been praying a lot about if I am even supposed to have another.  If not, then what I am supposed to do?  I really always pictured myself with several kids, especially after we had Hannah.  Is she supposed to be sibling free?  I have a lot of good things I could do for others if I don't have another child.  I can be a Mom to Hannah while having a lot of time to do other stuff.  I could serve a lot of people and God with that time.  I feel like if I am not meant to have more kids then God must have another mission for me.  I just have NO CLUE what it could be. LOL!