Wife, Mother, Dog Trainer

Kindle and Kindle

2012-01-28T22:06:00.000-08:00

For Christmas my Husband got me an Android Media Pad (or Notebook). I have been wanting a Kindle every since I was able to accept the fact that it would, indeed, be more convenient. Books can be very expensive. I love books. Love everything about them, the crispness of the paper, the cracking sound of when you first open a brand new book, the smoothness of the pages, and the way I can get totally lost in a story. And of course I love the smell. As I was growing up there were two kinds of stores I loved and could consider owning when I grew up. One was a book store, the other a feed store. Both of those places I love for their smell.

Anyway, you probably get my point. I love to read. Technology takes me time to grow to like. But once I decided I wanted an E-book Reader I really wanted one badly. I am so glad Eric got me this one. It was less expensive than a Kindle, but has a lot of neat things you can do on it, besides read.

I just finished reading a book I have wanted to read since it came out this year: The Land of the Painted Caves, by Jean M. Auel. I have read every other book in the Earth's Children Series starting when I was 9 years old. To my sadness this was the last book in the series. I hate when I get towards the ending of a book, it gives me actual anxiety -- weird? Yes I know. Since this was the last book in the series I was really quite agitated by the time I got to the last chapter. It was good but I have a touch of disappointment with the ending. It felt incomplete to me and felt as if Mr. Auel was in a hurry to be done with it. Part of me feels like she may even write another book. If she doesn't I really hope a good movie team picks up the series. It would make great film if they stayed true to the story enough.

I have been trying to occupy my mind lately with other things besides pregnancy, conceiving, blah, blah, blah. It gets tiresome after several months and I always have to take a break from it.

Speaking of babies :) I have a rabbit ready to kindle (LOL just realised why I like the name of the Kindle Ebook reader). She is a Champagne D'argent doe -- a meat breed. This breed is a French heritage breed, they are not commercial rabbits but produce a nice large, meaty carcass at about 8-12 weeks of age. I have been very happy with this breed. My buck is a New Zealand and mixing the two has been a great choice because the babies grow even faster and are very heavy by an early age. They are beautiful too. Anyhow, this doe is a doe I chose to keep back from my very first litter of meat rabbits. She is a pure Champagne and I loved her Mother, who was a very good Mother and easy keeper from the first time she had a litter. I kept this doe back out of three to choose from, she was the most physically balanced of the three does, and the heaviest at her age. She has not disappointed me with her growth.

I put her nest box in with her today. I was "smart" and lined it thickly with newspaper because the nest box is metal and it is not the warmest weather of the year.

I just went out to check my little lady and to my delight she is nesting, to my chagrin she has chosen to nest outside of the box. The only thing she has found use of the box is the newspaper which she has uniformly shredded and placed in the opposite corner along with a bunch of hay. I admit I am impressed with now neatly the newspaper was shredded, but wish she would have chosen the box. I am slightly concerned that she might have eaten some of the newspaper as she was making an exaggerated chewing motion the entire time I was picking out the paper. It may be because she is in early labor though. I moved the nest box to her chosen corner (which is also her potty corner dang-it!). I added another several handfuls of hay and she immediately started rebuilding her nest inside the box. It is rather cute to see her gathering huge mouthfuls of hay and carrying them around and placing them so carefully inside the box. Then she rearranges it. I will go check on her a couple more times tonight in hopes to catch her before she starts to kindle. If she has those babies outside that box they have no hope. It is not unusual for a first time momma rabbit to have her babies "on the wire" -- anywhere outside of the insulated nest box. They die quickly, being born with nearly no hair and quite helpless.

I am finding this new mother stuff with the rabbits to be a little stressful. This breeding took two months and a lot of time to complete. Miss Bunny wasn't cooperating with our buck, despite his best efforts to woo her. The second month was better and I've known she was pregnant for the past two weeks when I could first feel her babies moving around in her tummy.

I will probably wake up at least once during the night to go check on her too. I really don't want to have to dispose of a whole litter of them in the morning. If I can save them I will. They are food, but until they are in my freezer I really care about them and feel terrible when one dies outside of slaughter for consumption.

Just Another Blog Post :)

2012-01-24T14:55:00.000-08:00

I have noooo idea what to blog about today. This might be one of my worse blog entries, we'll see how this goes.

I am all alone in my house, that is a miracle that doesn't happen that often. Since Hannah is in preschool I guess it happens about twice a week, sometimes less, but never more. Eric is home taking his last few days of vacation before the-powers-that-be start a new vacation accruing year and the time starts over. You'd think that would happen on January 1st, but it doesn't in large companies. I have no idea why.

Hubby has been home with me for several days and we are really enjoying our time together. He is happy and so are Hannah and I. Last night she asked if she could sleep with us. This is the first time this has ever come up. Part of me was thinking, "yay!! I'd love to have your little warm body next to me all night, being able to smell you and snuggle you. It would be soooo fun to wake up to you." And part of me was like, "Heck NO! between your father snoring and you kicking me I wouldn't get a second of real sleep." When I told Hannah to ask Eric he dutifully told her "no". But the part of me that wanted her to sleep with us was stronger than the other part and I was a touch disappointed with his answer.

I really want to be eating something very very spicy and a touch sweet right now. The thought of Thai food makes me mouth water so much I think I might need to wear a bib.

Speaking of food, I am considering adding a separate tab just to blog about my cooking and my recipes. I recently made Hummus for the first time, home made and it was the best I have ever had!! I didn't have fresh parsley to add to it, but I had dried. My dilemma was that dried parsley doesn't taste anything like fresh....however...I did have dried basil, which, if used sparingly, is a pretty close scent and flavor to fresh parsley. So I ended up putting a little dried parsley and basil (just a touch though) and also modified the recipe by adding some fresh lemon zest. -- I am a certified lemon-holic!!! -- Much to my delight I loved it. Everyone at the potluck seemed to love it too. The entire thing was gone by the end of the evening. It was a tad heavy on the garlic though, but honestly it grew on me. I think I might use less next time and compare notes.

Cooking is a hobby for me and I really love it. Sometimes I get sick of it because it is such an every day thing. But I can keep myself interested by trying new recipes or changing old ones.

I also have a surprise blog entry that won't be ready for a while, it will be a running commentary over the next couple weeks. It will be kinda like a more specific blow-by-blow, thought-by-thought kind of thing. Stay tuned for that :)

P.S. Spellcheck makes me laugh. I just love some of the suggested words they have on here. It dinged me on "holic" after the word lemon. And the list of suggested words for holic were: colic, Hollie, hoick (what is that??), holli, and helix. *laugh my butt off*

Black, White, and Grey

2012-01-20T00:18:00.000-08:00

I am not a patient person, I have said so before. My Mom really knows this about me. She and I were talking on the phone today and I told her I don't think my Trying to Conceive journey has made me any more patient of a person as I was before. She quickly agreed with me, possibly a little too quickly LOL!!

What I am trying to say is I seem to have several more weeks or months to wait in my journey. I don't think I will suddenly become this uber patient person during this time either. As I thought about ways I have changed in the last few years I can say with all honesty is I have become more patient. Just not patient about becoming pregnant.

I am more patient with people in my life. This holds especially true for our daughter, Hannah. She has taught me, through love and out of love for her, to be a kinder, gentler version of my Pre-Mommy self. No one else could cause me to bend like she has. My husband has gentled me a little too, but not nearly in the same degree.

I am a Black-and-White thinker and reactor. I used to have NO grey areas in my ideas, reactions, interactions, ect. Grey scared me, made me very uncomfortable. I might even say a grey area made me very insecure. I didn't care for the feelings Grey Areas force me to feel. It was icky.

As I get older there's a lot more Grey Area room inside my heart and mind. Grey Areas are areas of tolerance, acceptance, softness, humility, and forgiveness within my heart. Grey Areas are still areas I struggle with every day. I am still a Black-and-Whiter, it is who I was born to be. At times it's been a learning curve that has hurt me terribly, I have carried wounds and acted like a victim because other people thrust their Grey Areas into my life. At times Grey has been hated!!

I have learned to enjoy the Grey Areas sometimes. Hannah has helped me so much with this. Children are naturally more Black-and-White than grey thinkers, even if their personalities tend towards grey in the long run. For Hannah I have had to teach her patience, which is a huge Grey Area usually. Funny how when you teach someone else something you usually learn more about it than they do.

I see so much of my way of thinking in my daughter. Some flattering and some not so much. I hope she can grow up with a fondness for the Grey Areas in life, but be a steadfast Black-and-Whiter when she needs to be. What I pray for her is a balance of the two.

I have learned patience through watching her grow. By the Grace of God I have not forced so much Black-and-White upon her as my instincts tell me to (of course with some meaningful acceptions). It is a struggle sometimes, to be patient when she has something or done something wrong. I have to teach her, not just tell her right from wrong!! What good is saying something without truth to back up the idea?

So I wait, in a big huge ugly Grey Area. Wait to know what is going to happen with my body. In the mean time I look forward to the days with Hannah and more growing and learning on both our parts.

♥♥♥♥♥

Non-update Update

2012-01-15T22:54:00.000-08:00

Sooooo.....

My "tell-all-details-as-soon-as-possible!!!" side of me has a very difficult time writing this "update". Several people have asked me if I got a positive test from this morning.

I can't tell you. I took a test, actually I took 3 of them. (Got rid of the last two Internet cheapies. Hey why not?). I have results but I have sworn myself and my husband I wouldn't tell announce anything on my Blog just yet. I will say that I am somewhat neutral right now...if that tells you anything.

Eric hid my tests today, he almost left for work without hiding them. Then he grabbed them and went out into the garage with them. I had to stop him because the freezing temperatures we're having at night I am sure aren't compatible with these products.

Want to hear something pathetic? This totally confirms my addiction. After Eric left I found myself trying to mentally tally the dollars in my purse because the Dollar Tree has pregnancy tests. Uhhh yeah! Terrible right? After I realized what I was doing I stopped right then and I didn't have the urge for the rest of the day. Actually I found it quite freeing not having a test around to wonder about while my thoughts turn in circles of hope, then logic, then hope, then logic...it sucks and it is an emotional/mental roller coaster I want off of. I got off of it today!! Yay ME! :)

I will test on Tuesday morning again. But, with my new found mental freedom I might wait until Wednesday morning because that is Cycle Day 28 and the day before my expected period. If by then I do not have signs of Aunt Flo then I know I should take a test. It seems most logical to me. Can I do it though? Can I wait that long? We'll see. The more signs of A.F. the more reluctant I am to test. If I don't start spotting by Tuesday night I will be soooooo very antsy for Wednesday AM.

On a totally unrelated (sorta, maybe not really) note, I have lost 6 pounds. I equate that last pound gone to the Metformin. I have now been on the 1000mg/day dose for several days and overall I am very satisfied with the results. I am not having near as much trouble with it as I was last round. I am taking both tablets at night before bed. I can now recommend that others try the same thing and see if you don't feel better than taking one twice a day.

Random thought alert: My boobs hurt a lot. They are aching even as I am sitting here typing. Last night they were hurting laying in bed when I wasn't moving. When I was pregnant with Hannah I had that problem to a certain extent. But I don't remember really how it felt. When I was pregnant in May, one of my first signs I should test was the absence of breast pain before my period. What could be more confusing than that?

Oh Yay! I just thought of something totally unrelated to my own saga of TTCing. Now I will talk about one of my Rabbits who TTC'd a couple weeks ago. I confirmed pregnancy yesterday. I could feel her babies moving and rolling inside her. Yes, I AM living vicariously through my rabbit. LOL! So I will have cute baby bunnies to love on in about two weeks. I am very, very excited and looking forward to them. I just hope this doe is as good of a first time Mommy as her own Mother was.

Intervention Needed

2012-01-14T21:24:00.000-08:00

I have an addiction, it is a very hard thing to admit.

*stands up*

"Hello, my name is Jamie B. and I am addicted to peeing in a cup, then testing it for anything related to getting pregnant."

*sits down*

Anyone nodding their heads in understanding? Anyone laughing? Good, you're supposed to. However this is really a serious thing for me. Eric told me tonight that I am a bonafied testing addict.

I tested today. And got a test line visible, but I am not sure if it is a positive or an evaporation line. Evap lines are really common and I have had them before...but this line does look a bit different to me. We shall see tomorrow. I got some of the good tests -- as I type that I picture myself telling you that in a dark alley with shifty eyes. All drug dealer-ish. These are the highest rated tests on the market. No Internet cheapies this time. And I will take one tomorrow morning.

Here's where I have made strides in my addiction. While purchasing "the goods", I decided I needed some help. Like I told Eric tonight -- I have NO self control, if there is a test in the house I have to take it. It's bad!! Not only am I wasting money, but I am just setting myself up for failure by testing too early. It is a roller-coaster of emotions, and more often than not, I just end up wanting to cry when I finally get Aunt Flo. It is very difficult to feel like you're doing everything right, only to have a negative outcome month, after month, after month, after month......

So my decision is this: After tomorrows test I have asked Eric to hide the rest. I will not go looking for them. I know this because he always tells me where he puts my holiday/birthday gifts and I have never looked at them. But if I know they are unavailable I will be able to focus on other things. I will be free.

It is pretty pathetic that at 32 years old I cannot control my lust for peeing in a cup. So I resort to this step of self-intervention...*sigh*

I will let you know how the test comes out in the morning some time. :)

Heartburn Makes Me Blog..or Barf

2012-01-11T23:36:00.000-08:00

It's been a few days since I felt like blogging. I have to be "in the mood" in order to feel effective. I'm not really in the mood now. No, rather I am killing time because I have seriously bad heartburn and know that laying down will only make it worse.

So here I sit. I do not really have an update of much use on me trying to conceive (TTC). I have now been on the Metformin for six days. I have only had three days of digestive upset (aka: diarrhea) and those weren't as bad as I had remembered it being. Though, I almost want to slap my own hand for typing that because I suspect that I don't remember much of being on this dose and the horrors of the increased dosage will be made clear tomorrow when I take two in one day. Lovely. I have not decided if I am going to take both at once or space them 12 hours apart. Last time I spaced them, I see no need in doing that again really, so I will be my own guinea pig. I'll surely let you all know how it goes.

I have no pregnancy symptoms. I am only 3 days past ovulation. I am considering Sunday to be the O day, because I got the positive OPK on Saturday morning. This is, of course, just an educated guess. I am really tired the last two days and sick to my stomach. But I know that it is just the Metformin. I can take a test really any day after tomorrow. Seems early doesn't it? Why, yes you are right. My secret? I have 5 pregnancy tests that can detect as little as 10 something-somethings (I cannot remember the until of measurement in this right now) in your pee as opposed to the 25+ something-somethings that the regular pregnancy test can read. They measure the units of HCG or Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (human grown hormone) in the urine, anything above a measure of 5 is considered pregnant. However to get an accurate test below 10 can only be done by a blood check. So I guess what I am trying to say is these tests are the next best thing to a blood draw.

Long story short is I can test earlier than the 10-14 day wait. But, and this is a big "but" -- I don't think I will test as early as they say I can. This is because I want to know for sure, not just take a test and go in denial about the results... because that happens nearly every month.... And I am sick of it. I want to know the first test I take. But, lets be real here. I will take a minimum of two tests. I accept that. I'd just like to, for once, just wait for my period without peeing on a stick the day before, day of, and day after. Besides, I cannot seem to aim at all and I always get my hand wet. LOL Just kidding. No, I USED to always get my hand wet. Now? I pee in a cup. Ha ha! Now I only get the cup all wet. Don't laugh now, it is a step in the right direction....really.

Postive Signs and Stuff

2012-01-07T13:55:00.000-08:00

Diving right into the most exciting part of my day (so far..). I got a positive on my Ovulation Predictor today (OPK). I wasn't sure so I posted a couple of pictures on my Facebook hoping that some of my TTC and in-the-know friends would be able to tell me if I was looking at a positive. The top OPK is from my first morning urine from yesterday, cycle day 15. The middle one is from my 3pm test. Both are negative. But the last one is from this morning's FMU and the test line showed up before the control line LOL. It is positive for ovulation!!! That means in the next 12-48 hours I should be ovulating.

This isn't the first cycle I have tried these tests. I tried the first year we were TTCing. I don't know if I ever got a positive or not, but I have one murky memory of thinking I did. Of course I didn't get pregnant because of my Stud Muffin's little drug. Moving on before a rant over takes me....

So I guess we shall see if I am pregnant in about 12 days. I will count tomorrow as my ovulation date to be on the safe side and I will take my test about ten days later.

The Metformin seems to be working, or at least I am responding to it in the obvious ways I was before. My stomach has been slightly unhappy since yesterday morning. Then it was slightly more unhappy this morning. Both mornings have required a sudden trip the the bathroom. You guess what happened. I will say, on a positive note, that I made the right choice by taking it at night because I am not quite as sick on this as I was. But next week when I start the 500mg. BID I might be complaining to beat the band. Wait, not, I won't be "might", no I WILL be. I know it, you know it too.

I am still having a good rush of energy and I continue getting my house in order. Today my goal was to finish Hannah's room project. That has included putting in her new bookshelf, cleaning out her closet and organizing her clothes that fit and don't fit. Taking all clothing out of her dresser and putting anything away that doesn't fit. I am almost finished.

We have a birthday party to go to this afternoon. I have to go and get a card for the little boy, that means I don't have to cook dinner. This will be a FFYS dinner tonight for Eric (Fend For Yourself). LOL I am happy!

Today in Jamie Land

2012-01-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

I am listening to Eric and Hannah play My Little Ponies together. Eric is so wonderful with her and to her. She eats up his play time and talks about it the next day. They are so in love. ♥

I have been reading some other Blogs the last few days. One trend I enjoy is the "Currently" thing where you have a list of things you are currently seeing/hearing/thinking/feeling/hoping, ect. I am considering doing this too, though, to be honest I would feel just like a "follower" so I hesitate. I never liked that feeling, unless I know exactly where I am being led. Which makes me think about the less-than-glorious aspects of who I am. Next topic. ;)

I went back on Metformin tonight. I am starting out on 500 mg./ day for the next seven days. If you care to know what this drug does see here: Metformin and PCOS . I am going to lose weight fairly easily on this drug as it controls my Insulin Resistance and High Testosterone issues. Metformin also blocks a percentage of carbohydrates from going from my digestive system to my blood system. One of the side effects is it makes you (me) sick as a dog while my body gets used to it....so there is another way I will lose weight -- I won't be over eating at all.

After seven days on 500 mg./day I will up to 500 mg. BID, a week after that I'll take two 500 mg. once a day and then one 500 mg. 12 hours later. Then, yep you guessed it, I go on two 500 mg. twice daily.

>> One note here: The last time I was on this drug was the same month I got pregnant. I don't know if it was a contributing factor or not. I got this Rx on the 19th of May and found out I was pregnant on May 31st. I don't know if it will work that quickly, I have a feeling it doesn't, seeing how I was still on the lower doses when I got pregnant. We'll see though.

I have been feeling very, very crampy today. Ovaries and uterus giving me fits. I have no clue if this is a sign of impending ovulation or just cysts that are gracing me with their presence. It could be both. I DO know that it hurts and I say to myself, "Oh my ovaries!!" It hurts. Since I have trying so hard to get pregnant I am resisting most medications I would normally be ok with taking. I hesitate to take ibuprofen, acetaminophen, or allergy tabs. This afternoon after sneezing 5 times in about two minutes I did take a Claritin. It helped a lot.

I started taking pictures of my OPK (ovulation predictors). I think that this is cycle day 14 for me and I took a test with my first morning urine and then again after a 4 hour bathroom fast. I will post pictures of my cycle in urine sticks when my cycle ends so that you all can see what I am looking and and looking for. Aren't you excited?? I know you are LOL.

Its 8:05 PM on a crispy North West night. Hannah is now watching Wonder Pets behind me and giggling. Eric is in the shower. I feel good. I love my family so much, Eric, Hannah and those that extend far, blood relative or not.

Our Decisions for Fertility

2012-01-03T20:17:00.000-08:00

Eric and I had a talk the next day after my last entry. Was that only day before yesterday? Probably LOL. Anyway, we had a very good discussion.

I first told him that we have some decisions to make, one of which being how long do we try on our own before going to "the next step". He said 4 months, I was thinking more like 3. So we compromised at 3 with the option of waiting one more month if we feel it would be beneficial.
I explained to him what I will be doing to assist us in the best possible ways. First I will be doing LH (Lutenizing Hormone) testing aka: Ovulation Predictor Kit, aka OPK. LH is the hormone that your body produces in a surge in the 48-24 hours prior to ovulation. They are cheap tests, I got 20 of them today for about $17.00. I can get them cheaper over the internet and I will probably go that route next month if it is needed. Obviously when you have a positive LH surge on the test you will then "baby dance" (I cringe saying that phrase, it is the TTCer's lingo) on those next couple of days hoping to cover your ovulation. I have actually used this test before, except it was inconclusive. I actually don't think I ovulated that month and the month I was sure I got a positive Eric was still on that blasted anti-sperm drug!

In addition to the OPK I am going on Evening Primrose Oil again this month, I had been on it last month. EPO is supposed to make your Cervical Mucus, or CM for short, more favorable for sperm and more abundant. I have seen it working for me, at least in the abundance area. The issue with this month is with all the stuff surrounding the Holidays I forgot to start taking it on time. Usually I start on cycle day 5-7 and keep taking 1000mg of it until I am sure I am not ovulating. Well..as sure as I can be with PCOS. I am also taking a Prenatal Vitamin and Vitamin B.

I have cut down on my caffeine intake now. I am slowly weaning myself off of one cup of coffee or tea a day down to only a half cup for the past two days.

I am starting on a better diet. For me a better diet means pretty much one thing: I stop eating refined carbohydrates of sugar, white flour, ect. My diet is actually very healthy otherwise. Sugar is my downfall. With my PCOS I have high insulin which makes me crave sugar in a very, VERY bad way. But I can control it, and I have successfully done so in the past. My diet is otherwise more healthy than average. No or minimal fast food (we cannot really afford it anyway) and a lot of from-scratch cooking pretty much everything. I am conservative with salt and use, nearly exclusively, fresh ingredients in my cooking. We eat a lot of fresh veggies, lean meats, low fat dairy products and all of our store-bought bread is 100% whole wheat, as are most of our cereals, we eat brown rice and whole grain pasta.

Lets see what else? I am starting to exercises again, I had been doing P90X Insanity (thank you Kay Sully!!) pretty well for a couple of weeks. But then I had to have surgery and never picked it back up. I am starting to walk every day again. I was supposed to start today but I forgot. Ugh! I will start Insanity back up again after a couple of weeks of walking. I really need to start out slowly so I don't burn out. My goal for weight loss is 15 pounds. I have more to lose but I wanted to set a realistic and not-so-daunting goal.

I asked Eric if he would start taking his Fish Oil, which I read makes things "down there" more productive and/or better quality. So he's taking 1000mg of high-quality fish oils a day. Oh. And the funny part. Along with his fish oils yesterday I gave him on of my over-the-counter Prenatals. He asked me what it was and I told him. He wasn't happy LOL!!! He took it after I said it wouldn't do anything to him, but he only took it reluctantly. He was still questioning me this morning. *giggle* as if HE will get pregnant from taking them or something.

I feel really tired right now. It is 8:10 PM and I've been awake since 7:30 AM. I got a lot of stuff done today. I have earned this night's rest. Nite nite everyone. :)

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T12:05:00.000-08:00

I already said it. This is my new year to make my blog more awesome (and consistent) than it is now. I really want to set a goal of at least one blog entry a week. This is my diary, kinda. If you already read this regularly you know that I post a lot of very personal thoughts and feelings here. Now is the time for you to bail if you don't like it. This next year will be pivotal for me and my family. It has to be, what would life be without conflict, resolution of conflict, lots of happy and sad times?

So this is my first blog of 2012.

On my mind right now? Laundry, house work, parenting...getting pregnant again. This is on the forefront of my mind. We have been actively trying to get pregnant, officially, now for 2 years. That's 23 months of disappointment. It would be 24 months except I was pregnant this spring but miscarried at about 6-7 weeks.

My husband was on a drug for about a year that kept him from producing sperm. It took three months for his sperm production to get back to normal after stopping the drug. That first month I could have gotten pregnant I did. I chose to have a "natural" miscarriage, meaning I didn't go for medical care during the physical portion of the miscarriage. In lay terms I aborted the fetus and other tissues at home without any help from my doctor. I could have opted for a D & C but I didn't want that.

My cycle didn't seem normal (but what is normal with PCOS?) for the next couple months and I was having a lot of problems with pain. I ended up with a D & C after all, along with a polyp-ectomy surgery. Now I am two full cycles past my surgery and wondering if I should "let nature take its course" and "forgetting about trying to conceive" or do we go for more medical intervention?

Financially it makes sense to give it a few months. And as I write this out and also discuss on FB with friends, it seems to make sense for Eric and I to wait a couple more cycles and try on our own. I am one of the most impatient people in the world. Since we have been trying for two years my patience is wearing thin, as is my emotional state surrounding pregnancy.

Not just me being pregnant but others pregnancies too. The more I want it the harder it is for me to see others pregnant. I allow my fears of not being pregnant again to make me feel anxious and upset.

I am getting to the point where I do not want to hear of others being pregnant. I don't feel like I am jealous -- I do not covet their pregnancy, baby, ect. I just would really like to have my own. And I wonder, quite honestly, if God wants us to have another baby.

I have been praying a lot about if I am even supposed to have another. If not, then what I am supposed to do? I really always pictured myself with several kids, especially after we had Hannah. Is she supposed to be sibling free? I have a lot of good things I could do for others if I don't have another child. I can be a Mom to Hannah while having a lot of time to do other stuff. I could serve a lot of people and God with that time. I feel like if I am not meant to have more kids then God must have another mission for me. I just have NO CLUE what it could be. LOL!

Can't sleep

2011-09-26T02:24:00.000-07:00

So. Here I sit, on the computer at 1:49 AM. Too much going through my mind to sleep, I was too cold in bed anyway to get comfortable.

I am a bit bothered by something, actually a bit more than "bit" but not in a huge, dramatic way. I'm not angry. I think I am a bit puzzled, feelings might be a little hurt, I know I can say I am "irritated".

Since so many people close to me read this blog I will have to tread lightly by what I say about this. I'm not about to bring something out in the open about someone I know on my blog. But since it has everything to do with me I think its OK to, at least partially, talk about what's bothering me.

I think my main problem regarding this is that I am not naturally a very organized person. I am getting better and learning to be though. But it is a hard thing for me to do. Just one of my many "flaws" I suppose. But where I lack in that area, I make up for in other areas. Do I sound defensive? I guess maybe I do, but its not coming from a place with out some justification.

My real issue is that I feel like I have been spoken about to people regarding this "thing" without justification, or a real reason to say anything about it, except maybe to make conversation. I don't care of someone needs to be informed of one of my bad habits, but please make it on a "need to know" basis. Everyone get this clear? I am very open about my flaws, more so than most people are. And I am also pretty easy to talk to about said flaws, if you approach me with respect, love and some gentleness.

Even when someone has said something not-so-great about my personality I don't immediately dismiss such a comment, especially from someone I respect. Even if I find it to be untrue I still consider their position.

I think lately I have had some interesting interactions with people. I say "interesting" in the way that I am scratching my head wondering why that person felt the need to say some specific things to me. Then recently someone came right out and commented on my said personality flaw and little puzzle pieces dropped into place. Ahhhh...NOWwwww I get it. OK. I suppose I should have seen that coming.

I had some insight from a good friend of mine. They told me that this is a "boundary" issue between this person and I. And I agree. If I had addressed said comments/criticism when it started I would probably be asleep right now. Touche. This is paritally my fault. And IF I wasn't clear to begin with I will clarify now: Said personality flaw complaint isn't completely unjustified.

What is unjustified and unfair is the persistent feeling, lately, of having to watch what I say in avoidance of fueling this little fire against me. It is unnatural for me to watch every thing I say to people I love and to have to guard my conversation. I really don't appreciate that feeling. And it's bothering me. A lot. To know me is to love me right? Not in an arrogant way. What I mean is isn't it OK to be yourself with close loved one's? If someone knows me, and loves me, I should be accepted.

Especially since this issue at hand isn't a huge, life-interrupting issue. It's not the end of the world, and really doesn't directly affect the person who seems most concerned with it.

OK, enough of that.

Tomorrow I have a job interview. Looking forward to bringing in a bit more money to cushion our budget. We are actually doing OK, but have such little wiggle room in our finances that it's difficult to maintain things as they are.  I really hope this works out and turns into a good position for me. It is just part-time care-giving, a man who has early-stage Alzheimer's.

I have also gotten two new dog training calls this week. Both of which have resulted in Behavior Evaluation appointments.  Why, yes, I did write them down. Thank you for asking. I have emails out with forms and paperwork and appointment times all set up. One is in my home town and one is in Silverdale.

This will also bring in some revenue, so I am all around happy about this. Plus, it's been a while since I've had much dog training.  Come to think of it -- I have had NO new dog training since Foe died.  Thanks be to God. He sees my needs and provides therein. He sees my needs before I ask and before I am aware of the need. Now that I am capable of effective dog training again, he sends me new clients. Amazing :)

My Dog Foenix

2011-09-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

I miss my dog, Foenix.

Today was quite a productive day for me. My big project was to clean the windows. While cleaning the sliding glass door, I was suddenly struck by the realization that what I was scrubbing off were nose prints from Foenix.

It saddened me, but being busy with the purpose of cleaning I didn't revisit that feeling. That is, until tonight when I was having a conversation on Facebook about the windows. Then I mentioned to a like-minded friend (who also had to put her otherwise healthy dog to sleep this year..) about the nose prints.

And that slammed reality back into my face. Slap! The past week has been busy for me, without a lot of time for self reflection. However, suddenly tonight, I could see the points this week when the memory of Foenix, one of his hairs, or remembering for the 1284738948th time that I need to go get his ashes, little by little the grief was swelling inside my heart.

Yesterday I remember pulling a dog hair off one of my own brushes, only to realize that it was a sable hair: black band, thin tan band, and another black band. It was about 2 inches long. I looked at it for a while, held it, pulled on it between my fingers to feel the solidity of it. Something real of him, something saying he was alive once, something that said he was really here with me. And he was mine for a beautiful short 4 years.

His birthday is coming up. He would have been 5 on November 7th.

Now when I think about his final days with me I can tell myself that putting him to sleep was for his own good, and our own financial good too. And those are also simple, but difficult truths to live with. I think of the pain he was in -- so much so that it distracted him from his fear of Hannah, so he became tolerant of her, especially with his Elizabethan Collar on. I have the final picture I took of him on my computer, and on my Photobucket Account. I look at it only when I have to. But the picture is of a dog in pain, with sad, and questioning eyes. What are you doing? Why am I in pain? Why do I have to wear this collar? It hurts me to see this, and yet, I do get comfort in the communication we had.

Foenix was so many things to me. Our relationship was multi-faceted. It was much like the complex human relationships one develops. We got to know each other really well, we could finish each others thoughts -- communicating through subtle body language. He always knew my mood, sometimes even before I did. He was my mirror. When I was upset so was he, when I was aggressive, so was he, when I was silly -- LOL -- so was he. When I wanted to play he was always up for it, when I wanted to be lazy he could do that too. He was a motivation for me to get up and get things done, and a reason to focus.

Foenix gave me the confidence to pursue my career as a dog trainer. He was my living proof, a point of reference, of my skill. When he was with me, I would always get questions and comments about him. People could almost always tell I was a trainer, because of Foenix. Or, they'd ask me where he was trained. Foenix was a foundation for my business and for my identity, right or wrong, as a trainer and a professional.

I miss his presence in my home. And at the same time thinking about the near constant conflict between he and my daughter, I am relieved not to deal with that. Really, God showed His Light to me and mercifully gave me a more solid reason to get him out of my house and life. As much as that hurts, it is the truth. Hannah is much better off without Foenix here.

I wonder if my grief over him would be very different than it is now, if I was to lose him differently. He died because of a disease, incurable, painful, and without very good medical management. What if I had to give him away? I was in that process when he was diagnosed. Would I grieve differently? I think so. Arrogantly, I would almost rather have him dead than with another person. That is brutal honestly. I could barely stand the thought of my dog being some other person's pet or project. Yes, God was merciful to me.

I want another dog, and still love the German Shepherd breed. But I cannot bring myself to get another GSD. Maybe someday. Maybe I will be ready to love another dog, and train another dog and maybe this dog will be the dog I get to keep until he or she dies of old age. But for now I miss my Foenix. My heart couldn't take another right now.

On my mind tonight...

2011-09-06T23:35:00.000-07:00

First of all, and foremost on my mind tonight, is that Aunt Flo has finally decided to grace me with her presence. Now, in the past I have really complained, with reason too, about my monthly period. Not this time. This is the first period I will have started since my miscarriage. My body is finally getting back on track so for now I am appreciative of the back pain, bloating, and cramps. This is hope. This is what I cling to.

Back on the trying to conceive crazy train though. Eric and I have decided that since none of the drugs I was on prevented the miscarriage that I won't be going back on them. Maybe I said that in a previous post already? It's late -- sue me. The only drug I might get back on is the Metformin. I liked how it allowed me to lose some weight and I didn't crave sweets.

On that line of thinking -- weight loss, appetite -- I have finally decided to get off my butt and do something about my weight gain. Eric and I just started P90 X Insanity. It is BRU-TAL! As I type this, my arms and chest (or..pectorals and triceps, if you will) are aching and complaining. I find that wonderful. I have done three of the workouts. One of which I have finished. Now, now. Don't judge. Do one of these workouts, even if you don't have a weight problem, and I challenge you to finish the entire thing! Anyway, enough of my defensive writing. I am doing this! Going to lose all this weight. And since I am doing this before I am pregnant -- I get to do it while I am pregnant too.

All my workouts so far are heavily modified. I can't do the stretches, or lunges, or push ups, or whatever you want to call all those other torture..umm I mean, most worthwhile exercises. If I can do the amount of reps the instructor shouts out I certainly cannot jump as high or jog as fast. Or if I cannot manage the reps I can at least do what I can do a little faster or with "more power". More POWER!! Is shouted ad nauseaum in these workout clips. A confession: I have feelings for this instructor. Deep and sincere. Akin to hatred.

Quite possibly I might love him when I start seeing my body change back into what I think is acceptable for myself. I'll let you know of course.

Oh yeah. I almost forgot. My boobs. No, that didn't sound quite right. I mean I have something to say about them (not that they don't speak for themselves). I have found I need a good solid contraption in which to trust them while I strive for "MORE POWER!!" as I exercise. I have two sports bras, only one of which I can find right now..but I digress. So the first workout was ok, not too much jumping around. But the second one hmm how do I describe this? You know the sound of quickly peeling tape off something? Ok, thats exactly the sound I expected to hear during this workout. I thought my boobs were going to give up and leave. Thats what it looked like too -- they were trying to escape!! I swear they were.

After doing a lot of research I decided that I need a couple really good sports bras. Second, they are too expensive right now. My solution? Wear a regular good fitting bra under the compression sports bra I already have. Viola! Issue solved. Thanks to several ladies on Facebook who recommended that remedy.

I won't say on here how much weight I am trying to lose. Most of you who know me in persona already have a good idea. But I will say what I have lost as I start to see progress. I am really excited about feeling better, being more healthy, looking better and being a better example for Hannah.

Hannah starts Pre-school this week! I am so proud and so excited. More on that later :)

Had a Vacation in California

2011-08-11T17:05:00.000-07:00

The only thing wrong was I spent the time there because one of the most precious people in my life was fighting for hers.

My neice, who just turned 20, went on a road trip and found herself seriously ill just about the time she got into Cali with her friends. They dropped her off at St. Joesephs Hospital in Eureka, California. At first they thought she was ok and released her but then got some blood work that showed sepsis.

I am the only one in my family that doesn't have a "regular" full time job so I took my other two neices, one being the sister neice in the hospital.

Hannah stayed behind with Eric. My In-laws and best friend were kind enough to provide a ton of babysitting so I could be there for my sister and neice for 6 days.

Thank goodness my neice is now in Harborview getting the higher level of care she needs and seems to be on the mend...finally.

I don't have anything really philisophical to say about my week...that will come later. I am still coming down from the adrenaline and stress. But she is going to be ok. And if she is reading this--which I doubt she is-- I want her to know the same thing that I said to her the day I arrived:

Sweetheart, there is NO-THING, nothing in this world that would make me stop loving you the way I do. My love for you is unconditional. My hope for you is great and I know you'll heal in more ways than one. Just know that I am here for you, no matter what the circumstance. I love you. Always.

Posting About Nothing...Almost

2011-07-29T14:25:00.000-07:00

I have no real agenda for this post, I guess I just want to ramble on. I might even get to a point or two. We'll see.

I still have all six Champagne D'argent kits. They are about..I don't quite know..8 or 9 weeks old now. I have yet to sell even one single baby. I will be keeping one of the females--I think-- for a future breeder because her Mom is just really phenomenal. Her kits are uniform size, and she's got an amazing amount of milk to feed her babies. Plus she has been a wonderful Mom since the beginning.

I am hoping she passes on those traits to one of the two doe kits in the group. I have my eye on the larger of the two doe kits. But I will post some pics to a message board and get some more expert advice about the quality of the two an make my choice from there.

My California doe, who is infertile, will be dinner in the next couple weeks.

So, anyway my Champagne doe just had another litter. There were only four, but they are getting huge fast and they are a rainbow of colors. The sire if this litter is my own Buck, a Broken Red New Zealand. I've got one black kit, one orange kit, one kit that is called "tort", and one broken blue...or could be a broken chestnut. I suck at the whole color-genetic stuff with rabbits, it can be very complex.

I've been very productive today. Got three, nearly four, loads of laundry done, folded and put away. Honestly I really am patting myself on the back for that. LOL. I hate folding the laundry. Washing, drying and putting away is alright in my book. But the folding part is what I tend to procrastinate on.

I also cleaned out Hannah's closet. When we moved in we kinda just threw a bunch of stuff in there. It had boxes of baby clothes, toys, her baby car seat/carrier, a pack-n-play and some miscellaneous crap too. I got it all out, put a bunch of it in the garage (that got properly put away too). Then I finished sorting through her dresses, boxing old ones up and putting that way. I then sorted her shoes and finally vacuumed the floor in the closet.

Oh yeah! Nearly forgot this. As I was vacuuming I realized how bad the out flow air smelled. Ugh. OK-- you know what a dog smells like when it has kinda yeasty ears? Well it has that odor. And it has the smell of a dog that goes swimming a lot but never shampooed. That's nasty too. And the air also smelled like basement. So, my vacuum smells like a basement-living-dog-that-drown-but-had-an-ear-infection. Hmmm, so lovely! How do I get rid of the smell? I'm guessing Google, or Bing, will be my friend sometime today.

True Comedy; Stupid Things I Have Said ~ Episode 1

2011-07-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am changing things up here for today. I just was reading a conversation on a message board about the really stupid things people have said or done.

I'll share mine here because:
......1) I've said and done a LOT of stupid things.
......2) I think it would be fun to have a series of these things for you to read
......3) Yes, you should feel special that I'll share.

This very first incident happened to me when I was 20. I was working as a Registered Nursing Assistant in my family-owned Adult Family Home. An AFH is a small nursing facility in a home setting where you can have up to 6 elderly or disabled adults living. Nursing care is provided up to very high levels of medical care and even until the patient dies, if requested. The family of the residents are encouraged to come often and they did.

One particular patient had a son that I would often chat with, as over two years we saw him a lot. I'll call him "Gruff". Gruff liked dogs and did bird-dog training, so we had a lot in common. We often chatted about dogs, training, gear and the like.

One hot summer afternoon Gruff came to see his Dad. He walked in, I said my hello, had some small talk. Normally what I would wear on the job didn't even matter, but for this story I'll tell you I had on jeans and a regular tee shirt. I looked very normal that day.

About half an hour later Gruff came back out, and told me he was going to the Pharmacy to pick up some vitamins and such for his Dad. He'd be back in a while. Ok, see ya later.

A few minutes later I did a round of checking the resident hall way, I went down, checking on everyone. When I no sooner stepped into the hall when the smell hit me. Ok, so being a caregiver I had cleaned up a lot of poop. Lots and lots, and so not such a big deal to me. I knocked on the offenders door, she was a cute old lady, but had some dementia issues. This was to be the worse BM "accident" I had ever dealt with. Poop was all over the bed, sheets, blankets and HER! It took me over a half hour to clean everything up, strip her bed and get her into the bathroom so I could clean her hands and wrists. Nasty.

I don't think I really need to tell you this, but I will anyway. When you spend that much time in a closed room with poop, the smell gets into your sinuses and often takes half the day to leave completely. That means, for the next several hours, no matter what you are smelling, poop is part and parcel of that experience. Fun huh?

...So when I kept smelling poop I didn't think too much of it, except when I went to go use the bathroom myself (No, just to pee), I saw a blob of poop on my jeans!! No wonder the smell was so persistently following me!

I raced down stairs to where my Mom lived, not as a resident -- she was half owner of the AFH-- her job was Care Manager and was the LPN on staff. So she lived there. I needed clean pants. My dear Mother offers me some of her leggings. Hmmmm..at the time I wasn't fat, but my Mom is about three inches shorter and a lot more slightly built than I. So her leggings fit me only because they were stretchy. They were capri's on me, not on her, I stretched them out really bad. I looked like what was just stuck to my jeans. Crap. Plus I had a tee shirt on that didn't cover my butt, so I had black, stretchy, thin material covering my bootay, and the lovely panty lines to top off my look. Being 20 this mattered a whole lot to me!! But what could I do? I had to wear them, it was my only option.

I went back upstairs, and by this time it was lunch and I was super busy. I tried not to feel self conscious in my leggings, but I did. After lunch I got all our residents back to their rooms for their naps, phone calls, toiletings and the normal stuff I did daily.

--Another side note into the life of any one in the medical field. We have laws called HIPPA, in a nut-shell they are the laws that say you cannot talk about a patient with anyone, give any personal information such as names, birth dates, ect. I knew these laws and tried hard to follow them.--

About the time I was supposed to be taking a break, Gruff came back from the Pharmacy with his dad's stuff. It had been probably about an hour and half since he'd left. To my horror he looked at me a little odd -- Yes he noticed my pants. I'm sure my face was pretty red, but to his credit he didn't say anything. I got slightly flustered.

Right about that time I got a call on our monitoring system that another resident needed some assistance. I ended up following Gruff down the hall. As we entered the hall way he goes, "Whoa!" and waves the air. Yep that much time later the smell still lingered. I always wanted to keep things clean at the AFH, and the smell and his reaction compounded my flustered feelings all the more.

My mind raced to find a good explanation to the unpleasant odor, as I felt like he would think I wasn't doing my job since it smelled bad.

"Someone had an accident, thats why I had to change my pants!".

There!! I brilliantly not only explained the smell, but in one fell swoop I got to tell him why I was wearing these horrible pants.

Well..except his reaction and my own realization of what I said happened about the same time. As he did an about-face, snapped around and looked at me, his head cocked to the side, with a clear expression of disgust. Yeah at that same moment I realized he interpreted my comment like this:

"I crapped my pants and had to change them, so that's why it stinks in here."

And I thought I was flustered before. I don't remember exactly what I managed to stammer out as, yet another, explanation. Something like, "umm...I didn't mean me, I meant, someone else...err..you know? I can't say who...but not me..really."

Gruff didn't say a word, which made it worse. He just turned around while I was in the middle of my stammering, red faced, inferno of embarrassment. And he just walked away.

And my Brother-in-Law heard the whole thing on the monitor. He yelled down the hall way: "Just shut-up Jamie before you make it worse!!" Thank you Andrew.

Off The Cuff

2011-07-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

OK, so I have figured out why I couldn't edit properly. I needed to upgrade my editing tool for blogger...did that and now, as I type this, it looks totally different. That's cool though. I didn't really want to abandon my blog.

This post will probably be quite hodge-podge and random, so just warning you....

I have been very tired today, exhausted really. There's no good reason for it. I only did regular things, cleaned one of my bathrooms, got my floors cleaned, cleaned the bird cage, made dinner, did some laundry. Nothing extraordinarily busy. And I am pooped. And in a lot of pain. That's kinda weird too.

I want to ask a question though, to those of you with children: If someone you knew saw your child doing something they shouldn't or something inappropriate, would you want that someone to tell you about it? I'll answer that for myself. If Hannah was doing something socially unaccepted or wrong and I didn't see it I would certainly want a responsible adult to tell me. So, FYI, to "you" out there--If my kid is doing something you don't like, please tell me. Yeah I know, as promised this is really random.

OK on to another topic. Rabbits. I have 6 rabbits for sale, though probably only 5 because I will probably eat an adult doe I have and keep one baby doe back from this litter for later breeding. I have a Californian doe that I've bred twice and she doesn't seem to get pregnant. This is a doe I bought with registration papers, and was a "proven" mother. I'm beginning to think I was taken by the breeder. She isn't getting pregnant. She either produces or I eat her. She's not a pet (mostly because I really dislike her temperament, she's more skittish than wild rabbits).

So, let me start over, I have five baby rabbits for sale and have gotten only a handful of inquiries about them. I will continue to feed them for another month or so and butcher them, or whatever is left over if sales pick up a bit. Not such a bad deal with rabbits you either get cash in hand or you can eat them.

When at dinner tonight Hannah started talking about this "baby bullet" thing. Took me a few minutes to realize she was talking about this: Baby Bullet Food System. LOL. The NOT funny part was when she said, "Mommy will you get that for our new baby?". Ughhh....tears. I turned my head away so she didn't see my reaction--but it hurt. A lot. I thought about telling her about the miscarriage, but of course using age appropriate explanation. But I couldn't do it. I don't know if it's better to leave that alone or to tell her the baby isn't coming after all. I guess time will tell. For now I chicken out and avoid the topic.

On that same line of topic--I really want to be pregnant again. I didn't know how long it would take me to feel like that again. But, surprise! Not long at all. This feeling may go away and come back later, I really don't know. This is all uncharted territory for my heart and brain. Also if I get pregnant soon then I can avoid telling Hannah that there's no baby coming. But more than that is that I just really want to start over and have another chance. I have fears of another miscarriage, but right now, sitting here, it's a chance I can totally take. Ask me tomorrow if I still feel this way, you might get a totally different reaction.

I have a tendency--in my way of dealing with bad things--to try and "move on" way before I am really emotionally capable of doing so. My mind tells me to suck it up and get on with my life, but my heart drags along behind kicking and screaming. The bad thing is I don't hear my heart until I'm in the middle of an emotional eruption that I can't control. It's not a very good scene. I hope that is not what I am doing now, but it's really hard to recognize it. Grrrr!!! why can't I be easier to read?

What Does Real Gratitude Look Like?

2011-07-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

~~I've been thinking a lot today about gratitude. What does it look like? What does it feel like? And noticed that when I am thankful or feeling gratitude I often feel differently depending on what I am dealing with at that time. Does that make sense? I hope.

~~Specifically speaking, I'm talking about God and my gratitude towards Him. I have heard all my life and recently read in the Old Testament about how different groups of people failed in their gratitude towards the Father. I have always been told, in sermons, by my Mom and others around me that we should be thankful in all things. But what exactly does that mean and better yet when you live that out in your life: what does it look like?

~~About 8 years ago I started, in very tiny baby steps, the beginning of understanding of what gratitude really is. It started when I was able -- for the very first time in my entire life -- to really forgive someone for a huge failure to me. We are not talking small potatoes here. We are talking a life long pain that had been inflicted upon me from early childhood. I carried that into my early adulthood. That pain morphed into a lot of negative things. Hatred, anger, apathy, disrespect towards this person, among other symptoms. I carried this burden for a long, and very painful time.

~~God worked a miracle for me in a very short amount of time. Through a book and through some study with my Mom, and through my thoughts during about three weeks, God took my heart and mind and changed a part of myself that I thought I would always carry. When I say it was a miracle I really mean it. I could not possibly have done this for myself, nor could any other human being even start to make that change inside me. A light shown into my heart and mind, and God showed me that He loves this person, He showed me how He loves me and has always loved me. In this time I realized how much gratitude he deserved because I was able to see that who I was becoming was what God had intended all along. And with all this miraculous change inside me, I was able to forgive this very deep hurt. It was and still is true forgiveness to this person. To this day I still do not carry that burden, as this wasn't a temporary change.

~~Fast forward to this time in my life. My growth in the area of gratitude has had it's ups and downs. And, quite honestly, more downs than ups. But I can't ever forget how I was able to forgive and see how God loves me, and how I learned to be grateful to Him. In fact, that is one huge thing in my life that keeps me going in difficult times.

~~Recently Eric and I have gone through a lot of hard times. Most recently has been a string of deaths, of course including the miscarriage. When my dog, Foenix, died I can recall that I was able to "praise Him in all things and circumstances". And I really did. I remember just after my dog took his final breath, and I was sobbing in my husbands arms and over my dog, and I was silently thanking God for all the good in my life, the opportunity to have a dog like Foe, and thanking God that I can count on Him to open another door for us. And I also prayed that He would show me the way and the lessons I needed to learn. It was so hard to not go numb in that moment and completely wallow in my sorrow (no, that came later). I chose to praise God and thank him.

~~Which, of course, brings me to the miscarriage. When I chose to pray and praise God in this time it did feel different than at any other time. And because I didn't immediately feel closer to God I started to question if my gratitude was real. Was I just saying the words or did I mean them?

~~I don't know if I really have fully answered that question. But I did come to some better understanding that I feel is important enough to pass on to whomever chooses to read my blog. I think that I have realized is that gratitude feels differently because situations and reactions are always different. And I think more importantly than getting that "warm-fuzzy" feeling is that I continue to attempt to remain faithful to God in all things. As long as I pursue God in this way, and I am being sincere I know that whatever comes of it isn't going to be failure. God will continue to grow me and, even when I fail at my faith, he never falters and always brings me back.

Thoughts From Today

2011-07-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

First off: I have been seriously considering abandoning this blog. Since I don't do the same kind of dog training I used to. Secondly, the dog that prompted me to start this blog is now dead. Thirdly (is that a word?), for some reason I'm having a lot of trouble getting my posts to publish and when they do the paragraphs aren't double spaced and I find that really annoying! ugh!

I'd like to start a new blog, I don't have a theme in mind. I suppose it could be just about my life, my growth in my Faith, and my family. That really doesn't sound so interesting to me. Just something I need to consider.

Today I talked to several people about the miscarriage. I finally talked to my Mother In Law, my sister, Lola, and my good friend Rachel. Funny how you get such varied reactions and comments. From my MIL I got some tears and she is such a good listener too. From my sister I got some good comments, and some good listening. But that conversation was more matter-of-fact, and in some way that felt weird to me....I guess I was looking for a bit of a pity party. Not saying she didn't sympathize with me--she did. I need to work on my 'expectations' of others. I find all the time, the older I get the more I need to work on those small, yet very real negative things about my personality.

I feel sad right now. Very very sad. A thought occurred to me about 20 minutes ago and shocked me a little. My heart told my head very clearly, "I miss my baby". I don't miss being pregnant. My husband mistakes those two things. When I told him I loved this baby already he said, "You mean you loved being pregnant?". NO. I love(d) this baby. He said, "OK...". He doesn't get it. *sigh*

This pregnancy was hard on me and my husband. Those 2cc progesterone shots were painful for me and nerve wracking for him to give to me. My entire hip area across my low back was patches of swollen, itchy, numb and painful skin. After I stopped taking them about three weeks ago my low back/hip area still is painful to an extent. Not to mention the numerous trips to the clinic, the ultrasounds, the drugs (I was on three not including the progesterone).

But really I didn't mind that much, because I was pregnant. My other problems seemed to diminish easily. Nothing mattered much to me except I was thrilled we were going to have another baby to love. I found myself being a better person to others around me. Funny how things can go completely opposite in a short time.

How opposite? Well, get this! When I finally was able to beginning accepting the baby had died, at that time MY problems got so large that NO ONE ELSE'S PROBLEMS mattered. At. All.

I felt mean. And I was mean. Not so much outwardly, though some of that too, but inwardly I had some dialog that was really not how I normally think. All around me people's lives were still being lived and along with that there were problems. Normally I am a responsive person to others, but not at this time. Nope. I really didn't care, and I didn't want to hear it. Because I couldn't pretend that I thought there problem was bigger than my own. Not only that but I really COULD NOT handle the added stress of other peoples problems at that time.

Don't feel great in your relationship? Oh yeah? Well my baby died and is still inside me. I'm only waiting for the inevitable time when my body expels it. So yeah, your issue isn't so bad.

Feel like your parents didn't treat you exactly as they should have? Well at least you survived to tell me how terrible they were. My baby didn't even have the chance to know what a parent was.

Mean huh? Yeah I know...I am ashamed of that. The pain was and still is very raw. Though I am now back to being more in-tune to my family and friends. I really don't ever want to feel that way again.

Hope Is Still Alive

2011-07-16T23:25:00.000-07:00

But, not our baby. Baby died at about six weeks gestation. After all I explained in my last post we did finally get to see the yolk sac and fetus inside. It was real. In a way that makes me very happy to know that it was real. I suppose in some strange way it legitimizes the sorrow we are feeling.

My sister, Heather and her two girls, Lexi and Kiley came to visit from Ohio for the past two weeks. In fact, they just left this morning. Our visit was extreme in several ways. Extremely fun, extremely exhausting, and extremely stressful.

I had been spotting for a couple weeks before they came. I started period-like bleeding within a few days of then arriving on the 2nd of July. We made a whorl-wind trip to see our Grandmother and I felt like crud the whole time. Cramps and increasing bleeding. Mercifully we had booked a Motel and I didn't have to stress out about what was happening while pretending I was cool and collected at Grandma's house. I found it easier to deal with in a Motel. I don't know why.

When we got back from Grandma's house my husband was leaving on his "Guy's Trip". An annual pilgrimage to the sand dunes of the Oregon coast. They ride motor cycles and quads and have a sweaty, good old time for four to five days. I didn't want him to go. I was having increasing anxiety about what I was about to face. The inevitable expulsion of the baby we hoped so much for. I was really freaked out about this.

So Eric left. And I had to put on a brave face for our guests and make sure my own daughter and my sister's daughters didn't have to face my very adult problem. I knew that I had to make sure this wasn't on their shoulders. I guess I did OK with it. Though at times I was really bitchy....sorry but there's no other word that applies. I was tired, in pain and scared. Not to mention I had to deal with our daughter 24 hours a day with no break for over a week, all the while entertaining my out of town family members.

For me this baby was real the very second the home pregnancy test came of miraculously positive. I smile as I type this. The joyful feelings are still strong and a fun memory. I can say with certainty that I already loved this baby, for looking at my three-and-half-year-old made me know all the fun, love and change that was in store for us. I am so ready for that again. My love for my living child makes me love the lost one all the more.

I am blessed to be able to love like this. Thanks to God.

i just

2011-06-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

OK...I just tried to post and it won't allow me to post this....arghhhhh!!!

A Very Hard Time For Us

2011-06-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

I guess I'll begin at the beginning. My last post announced my pregnancy. That was on the 31st of May.

I am pregnant...I think. Really I'm not sure. Until yesterday I thought I had a seven week old fetus growing happily and healthily inside my uterus. But that was yesterday.

I was diagnosed with low Progesterone (the hormone that keeps your uterine lining in place to feed the potential pregnancy, when it gets low that is what triggers your menstrual flow). I have been on oral progesterone and injection progesterone, plus a drug called Metformin to lower my insulin. These are all common drugs to be on when you are pregnant and have PCOS.

It's been quite the roller coaster. I have been prescribed 2cc's of injected progesterone once a day. it hurts a lot to get these shots in my butt!! Not only does it hurt getting them but it hurts my whole backside...I'm numb with patches of itchy painful spots. Not fun, but I am willing to do that because it's what my Doctor says I should do to keep this pregnancy. Not really a big deal in the end.

My hCG quantities have been rising steadily and appropriately, signaling a healthy developing fetus. I have been so excited every time I get that phone call saying "The quantitative hCG is 162." The next week it was in the 3000 range and the next week in the 9000 range. This week it should have been about 30,000.

Yesterday I went in for my first ultrasound that would show us the tiny heart beating of the baby my husband and I helped create. This was a trans-vaginal ultrasound. Not fun, but any discomfort was put aside with the excitement of seeing that tiny fluttering movement of the heart, and to see the tiny little bean of a human inside its protective sac.

We saw the my cervix, we saw my uterus, we saw a sac. We didn't see a baby. Just an empty sac with nothing inside to indicate a life. Empty.

I knew right away too, my brain went into survival mode and I couldn't really feel anything, but listen to the Doctor as he probed deeper to get different angles of the gestational sac. At first he told us that it was only measuring 5 weeks but then on a different angle it measured a more normal 7 weeks. But at no time did I see any little bean, let alone a heart beating. And the Doctor was quiet. He told me to take a break and to go use the restroom so I did.

When I came back he repeated the entire thing. Still nothing. He told us that in about 85% of patience at this place gestationally he sees the baby and its heart beating away. So that leaves us in the possible 15% or so chance that there IS a baby but he just can't seem to find the right angle to detect it. He said we'd do some blood work and see what the hCG was, that should give us more information.

I got a call about 4pm yesterday saying my blood work was around 9000 last week and should be about 30,000 this week but it was only 16,000. More devastation. This has been a really hard 24 hours for my husband and I.

It seems our baby has stopped developing. We don't know when though. I've done some research in this and it seems this type of miscarriage is very common. It has a name too. Blighted Ovum. I don't have a baby I have a Blighted Ovum.

Now...because I am a hopeful person..I have some thoughts on this bad news. First...we could be in that 15% range that I really am pregnant still. Oh! And one more thing...I have thought all along that my due date is about 7-8 day past when they calculate that I ovulated. So the baby might well be a week or more younger than they predict. I keep very good record of when I ovulate and I nearly always ovulate a week or more past "normal". And the hCG doesn't always go up according to the perfect little chart. And miracles do happen. In fact, this baby is one of them already even if it isn't alive any more. So there! Take that pessimistic side. Take that scientific researcher side. Take that 'I just want closure and to move on' tendencies.

We have another ultrasound scheduled for Friday. We'll see then...oh and more blood work.

After my last post....

2011-05-31T16:23:00.000-07:00

....I'm pregnant. LOL!!!

More New Directions

2011-05-28T14:01:00.000-07:00

Since my last post was so much about my feelings about Foenix's death, I think I'll stay off that topic for this post. Except to say I found it really helpful to write that all out. So, to those who read it, thank you.

I started this blog soon after I found out I was pregnant with our daughter, Hannah. Since then Eric and I have had a lot of growing up to do, and some stretching of our relationship, some really hard moments and some excellent ones too.

For over a year now we've been trying to get pregnant. Well, as you can assume, we've had no luck. I have been going to a new Gynecologist who has a specialty in the Endocrine system and is fabulous at diagnosing infertility issues.

I have since been diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Basically my hormones are all out of whack and I don't ovulate normally. My Insulin levels are high and so is my Testosterone. The other hormones seem to be OK. I am on two medications at this time. One is Spironolactone and the other is Metformin. I just started on the Metformin.

I have to work up to a dose of 2,000 mg. of Metformin over a month's time. Oh boy is this drug living up to its reputation to kill your GI tract. I have been sick for about three days. I started my first dose of one 500 mg pill once in the morning. Per my Doctors orders I had to up the dose to two 500 mg. pills a day -- one in the AM and one in the PM. Ugh!! I feel like I have severe morning sickness, plus, its messing with my lower GI tract as well. Running to the bathroom is literal for me now. No more casual, "oh let me just run to the restroom." Nope. Now it's, "Oh Lord, please let the bathroom be empty, and please don't let the next person going in see who came out." Yep. Nice huh?

So this drug is supposed to lower my insulin levels and therefore make me ovulate at a more normal time in my cycle. See, I DO ovulate. I just ovulate late. I am about a day 21-er of my cycle, not a more average 12-16 day ovulation.

Oh that and....that my husband was on a medication that caused some fertility "issues" as well. Then his ignorant Doctor had the audacity to argue that the drug would help that area of our our lives. Needless to say we are no longer patients of hers. She's a dud. Not a dude, a dud. This isn't her first time of misdiagnosing issues either. She diagnosed Eric with a pulled groin muscle when he actually had a pretty large inguinal hernia. Yeah nice, right? This misdiagnosis cost us close to a thousand dollars out of our pockets and took about 8 months to get the real diagnosis. He's since had surgery to fix it. Because I'm not in the very best mood right now I have the urge to say who this "doctor" is. But I know it's wrong of me to feel that way, and would be even more wrong (wronger?) to do it. So, I won't.

So we are also waiting for Eric to get his system back on track before we can get pregnant.

Oh got a really bad wave of nausea...I think I'll stop now and go lie down, or is that lay down? Don't correct me. I don't really care. :P

New Directions

2011-05-25T23:58:00.000-07:00

Last time I blogged was almost a year ago, it was in June 2010. Since then my life has made some dramatic changes. Some good, some not so good.

First we are blessed to live in my Hubby's Grandparents house. Both Grandma and Grandpa passed on last year. It was really, truly a privilege to get to know them and spend the time with them I was able to. After Grandma feel and broke her arm I was able to come and do some care giving for her. That was really an amazing time for me. I learned a lot about them both and my love for them deepened even more. I miss them so much.

Eric, Hannah, and I are blessed to be living in this home. We've been here about five months now and love it.

I started a new animal venture! I am now raising meat rabbits for our consumption and to sell a few buns to those who like rabbit. It's fun so far. I started off with a breeding trio: young Satin buck, one NZ doe and one Champagne D'Argent doe. Of those first three I only have the Champagne left. The other two are sitting in my fridge as I type this. I am cooking them tomorrow.

Here is the recipe I am going to use: http://http://www.food.com/recipe/elizabethan-rabbit-423126

I am so excited to try rabbit for the first time. Tonight I prepped an 8 quart cast iron dutch oven (inherited from Grandma Kay) to cook the meal in. Rabbit meat is high in protein, and very low in fat and cholesterol. And apart from that they are the least expensive meat to raise. They also have the best meat-to-bone ratio of any modern livestock.

I still have three rabbits though. Last week I went and got two new rabbits: one broken-red NZ buck and one Californian doe. The doe is bred and she is a good mother, and has had several litters of babies already. My Champagne is a first time Mommy and I don't know how she'll do. I see she has a baby bump though, she is due to have her kits in about a week.

I started considering raising rabbit since I can no longer have chickens. I sold my flock several months before we moved. I wanted to keep raising animals for my family-- odd as it may seem raising meat for my family satisfies me in a really good way. I love the idea that I know exactly where, how, when the meat came from. I also wanted to raise rabbit to feed to my dogs, mainly Foenix who always seem(ed) to be having some G.I. issues.

That brings me to the biggest change as of recently. 8 weeks ago I had Foenix neutered. The very next day he developed the first outward signs of Peri-Anal Fistulas. They progressed rapidly and I put him to sleep on a Tuesday. These words I just typed are surreal, even yet. My dog is gone. I have not gotten up the courage to pick up his ashes at the Vet...I keep putting it off, I dread the feelings of loss and emptiness it gives me. I miss him-- sometimes I hate words because "I miss him" does NOTHING to convey how that feels. I hate talking about him with anyone because, inevitably, they pat me on the shoulder, give me a sad look and say they are sorry. And I appreciate their thoughts. Kinda.

I feel an inward numbness most of the time, but when I am NOT feeling numb I am sobbing my eyes out. I am a seriously ugly crier. Yet even the next day, after the dam has broken on my mourning, my eyes are so swollen I look like I've been in a fight, but without the bruises.

I want to tell people somehow that he was more than just my pet. I loved my dog and he loved me. He was also my working partner and proof of my skill as a Trainer. He assisted me with so many dogs I've trained, he was invaluable to me in that way. I have lost not only my dog, but an instrument of my profession, a teacher, and a friend. I just wish I didn't have to tell people this, I wish they just knew it. But, they don't, and, while its not their fault there's a sense of festering frustration about that.

What good is saying you're a concert pianist if you don't own a piano? What good is it to be a chef without a kitchen? See what I mean. But his loss is so much more than a bad hit to me as a Trainer. It's that we were so bonded and I loved him and he loved me. And I miss the light in his eyes, and I miss the silly games we played, and I miss spitting water at him, and I miss preparing his food at night, and I miss his large presence in my house, and I miss the secure, safe feeling he gave all of us, and I miss hearing him walk around, and I miss seeing him out of the corner of my eye and him noticing I am looking at him and him wagging the end of his tail acknowledging the attention.

Every day I know the space between us gets bigger. Every time I sweep my floors, do laundry, or clean my car, his hair and nose prints on the windows slowly get erased. I used to curse his hair all over the place. And now each time I empty the dust pan or lint trapper in the dryer I know that I just get that much closer to the day that I no longer have recent proof of his presence with me. That sounds silly. But it's how my mind works right now. Saying "i miss him" doesn't even begin to tell the story.

My Day So Far...

2010-06-10T14:44:00.000-07:00

....Has been great! Eric got home from Oregon last night. I was so relieved he made it safe and had a good time (though not too good of a time, without me, of course :P ). When he walked through the door my first thought was "wow he is a big person". Not fat, just a big guy. So that's what I said to him. LOL He said, "so I look fatter?". I said "no, you look like a big person. Consider who I have been interacting with since you have been gone. Hannah is pretty tiny compared to you!!" He laughed.

Today has been a day of laundry..about five loads so far. Shame of me for letting it get that far behind. But I know Eric will probably have about two more loads for me to do once he unpacks all the way.

Today has been a day of smells too. Dog farts, old broccoli. Yeah not pleasant. I noticed right off this morning that my kitchen had a really funky smell. After examining Hannah's diaper a few times I start sniffing around my kitchen. Fridge: clean. Sink: clean. Pantry: nothing unusual, and clean. My kitchen is clean. Where is this smell coming from? Finally it dawned on me to open the garbage cupboard. Suddenly I remembered the old broccoli I threw out while cleaning the fridge. Yeah...Nasty stuff. Took out the trash and sprayed the can and cupboard with Lysol much to my relief it smells normal again.

Next I walked into the dog room, Hannah trailing not far behind. Even before I could comment she goes "OH my, my, my...that stinks!!". Laughed my butt off and then agreed with her. One of the dogs had gas. Bad. Dog. Farts. Need I say more? Well, yeah i do. LOL. I took a look at both the dogs, my shepherd, Foenix, was anxiously waiting by the gate. My training dog, Cate, a St. Bernard was laying in her kennel nonchalant I assumed it was Foenix and put him outside. Must have been him because I have not smelled it since. Dog-crapping-on-the-carpet crisis averted.

My house smells normal again. Hannah is sleeping and I am having lunch as I type. And I look forward to a nice evening at home with Eric and Hannah.

Now I must go so I can do a training session with Cate. She only has a few days left in the program before she goes home :)

Just My Thoughts For Today

2010-05-24T15:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I want to blog about today. I guess I am having an emotional day, started my period. Not feeling that great.

I am happy to be home. I work weekends in Snohomish, that is a long way away from Port Orchard. I drive 117 miles one way. I stay Saturday nights at my parents house. I really like that I get to see them weekly, but on the other hand I really, really, REALLY miss Hannah and Eric. Got home last night.

Yesterday while I was at work Eric and Hannah came up to have dinner with me and the couple I take care of. They loved meeting both Hannah and Eric (but, not so secretly, they really were looking forward to Hannah. Eric was just a bonus LOL). We had dinner and Hannah entertained us before dessert with some singing. That kid is an entertainer and feels totally comfortable in the spot light. Not my personality at all LOL.

She sang "Row, Row, Row Your Boat", "Rock-A-By-Baby", and something else which i cannot recall right now. Char and Leo were enthralled with her. As everyone is really LOL. Leo, the man I was hired to take care of, really took a liking to her. I really saw a side of him I have never seen before. He was completely engaged in what she was saying and doing, and everything Hannah did he told her what a big girl she was and was so encouraging. I remember thinking that his children were very blessed to have a Daddy like Leo. :)

Now I am home today, woke up with my period, and have not felt so great. Ugh I am looking forward to PMS going away. I think I should feel normal again by tomorrow. And by my calculations I should be ovulating around June 7th...... *wink*

I am having dinner for Grandpa Bodeutsch and some friends tomorrow. I am trying to figure out what I should cook for dinner. Eric's idea was chicken on the grill. I don't care for that idea though...LOL so far all his suggestions sound not so great. If I am not careful though he'll stop trying to help cause I keep saying "no" to all his ideas.

That's all for now.

Potty Trainng Hannah now 27 Months Old

2010-05-19T13:49:00.000-07:00

Lots of time has gone by since my last post. I guess this will be updates on everything and also some new stuff.

Eric and I are doing really well. Hannah is 27 months old, she is such an angel. Never thought being a parent would be the best thing ever in my life. Of course being a parent requires a good spouse (at least ideally it does). So Eric is also the best thing that ever happened to me as well. Hannah started walking at 14 months. She eats like a horse LOL that kid will eat about anything. She LOVES cucumbers, most veggies and also is quite the carnivore.

Her allergies that she was plagued with as an infant are pretty much gone. She is an active, and very intelligent child. And for her age is exceptionally social and well spoken. She strikes up full conversations with people at the bank and grocery stores regularly.

Hannah *LOVES* babies. When shopping twice last week she saw babies, or heard them. She announces their presence gleefully. We were in the Bakery section of Fred Meyer a couple weeks ago, and there was this 8 month old baby girl in there. Hannah pointed her out quite loudly and the Mom looked over and smiled.

Hannah looked at me and said: "Can I pet 'em?". She was completely serious. I burst your laughing. The other Mom asked me what she said and I told her, she giggled too. Then she says "I don't see why she couldn't "pet" her. LOL

So Hannah got to pet the baby. She now asks me to "pet" every baby in the store. That includes kids her own age.

We have been dabbling in potty training (house breaking? lol) for quite some time now. Her first time going potty in the potty chair was before she was two. She peed. Since then she has gone potty several times but I have tried not to push the issue. A few months ago she pooped in the potty chair, it freaked her out for some reason. (she has seen me go and her dad go but it seemed to have traumatized her quite a bit) She stopped even wanting to sit on the potty seat for well over a month after that.

She has started wanting to pee outside on the ground...so I am using that to give her the idea of telling me when she wants to go. So far so good.

Since yesterday she has gone potty, either poop or pee four times. So today I put her itty bitty panties (so cute!) on her and we are having a diaper-free day. She is napping as I type this with diaper on though. So far she has peed in her panties twice today.....However the good thing is that the second time she came and told me that she had to go. Albeit after she had gone some and also started to poop..yuck..LOL

I told her how proud of her I was, as I ushered her to the bathroom PRONTO! I took her soiled panties off and she sat on the chair and went poop some more and even squeezed out a few drops of pee. My good girl :)

She is trying so hard. I am so incredibly proud of her.

Letting down my "fans" (Yeah right )

2008-12-14T23:43:00.000-08:00

Well...I have been avoiding this. Coming to my blog cause Im so guilty of not blogging since the first week in July, its now the second, nearly third week in December. LOL. Five months since I blogged. I had forgotten how much I enjoy this.

Oh boy where to begin. Ok with Hannah, my favorite subject. She is now 10 months old. In my last post I talked about her rolling over. Well the awe of that skill has been replaced by the awe of a whole cast of new and improved, amazingly cute, somewhat useful--Kid Tricks!! Yes, I did say "kid tricks". That is not a typo, because at this point her newest things such as Pat-a-cake (adorable), and How Big is Hannah? (complete with her dramatically sighing as she raises her chubby arms above her head) are not so useful, but cute little things she does on "command" LOL.

I try. I really really do. I try not to train her like a dog. I try not to tell her to do things like a dog. I try really hard not to reward her like a dog, especially with food. I really really try. Are you convinced? Well its true. And in the end, saying "No" to her like a command (well, isn't it a command?) and telling her what a good girl she is tells me that Im doing the right thing with her. Eric and I give consistent rewards and use distraction techniques to teach her not to eat pine needles off the floor or to listen when we tell her the dog water is not a wading pool.

Hannah is crawling like a champ, cruising about the furniture, and playing with the animals. She can share her food, feed herself a whole meal. Drink from a sippy cup, fetch her own pacifier and apply it thusly. She can wave hello and good-bye, and even whistle :D. She plays in the bathtub and tries to play in the toilets. She recognizes a stranger, but makes friends quickly. She has seven, thats right!! seven teeth.

I say all this with happiness. And yet...with a heavy heart because my baby is starting to sound like a kid. That little bundle we brought into the world a mere ten months ago is growing, maturing, learning and changing DAILY. Slow it down a bit Hannah, Mommy needs you to. I'll try to remember the sincerety of that thought the next day I have with her when she is driving me crazy cause she is teething and all she can do is hang on my leg all day and whine/cry and Im wishing away the days.

more later.

The Roll-Over Saga

2008-07-07T10:31:00.001-07:00

Today she made me laugh. She compromised her sleeping arrangements with me. Nawww...actually she fell fast asleep mid-roll. This is the picture I got of her sleeping like this, she never even flinched as the flash went off.. Read below to learn why this was funny.

My little darling Hannah is now a roll-over machine. She started two days ago with my Mom and Dad here. She woke up and started making noise and both my parents went in to see what she needed. If her eyes are open she's awake, if she's making noise wit her eyes shut she is not. But Hannah had rolled-over and was sleeping on her back fussing. My Mom rolled her to her tummy and she promptly flipped herself over again. Now this is a girl who knows what she wants, I guess! Eric and I were still sleeping.

I got up about 30 mins later when I heard her fussing for food in earnest. My Mom had managed to get her to go back into a deep sleep on her tummy. I learned of the rolling and was excited (*note: how the 'excitement' wains as this goes on*). I really wanted to see her do it. And thus started our Saga.

Since then we've had two nights of increasingly difficult sleep, not only for us but for Hannah. You see, now that she can turn herself she does it in protest to tummy time every single time she is to go to sleep for the night, and sometimes naps. We wait until she is showing signs of getting tired after he last feeding. Rubbing her face, red rimmed eyes, and deep yawning are all sure signs of impending slumber.

Now, this was the way things used to go: Hannah is getting sleepy, hold her with binky until that glazed look happens, change her diaper, lie her in bed on tummy, apply binky and she's out!

Now it looks like this: Wait until she's ready to go to sleep as before, maybe wait until she's even more tired. Change her diaper, set her in her crib on her tummy, apply binky. Then apply pressure to her back by her shoulders and her butt, at the same time try and hold binky in with binky from the hand that's on her shoulders. Pat butt in attempt to distract her from her goal of rolling onto her back. This does not work, though we keep trying to find a magic combo of distraction and wrestling. Now we give up and think she's going to stay on her tummy. No. She flips herself over, spits out the binky and grins at us. We leave the room quickly and she either screams or plays or a combo of both.

The playing and crying goes on for some time, maybe 15 minutes. She's on her back, cant find her lost binky and I'm sure sometimes feels disoriented. I go in and try to roll her over,but its just a physical battle of wills and I'm not going to frustrate her like that...she's also so strong that if I force her over she's gonna get hurt fighting it. So, I've picked my battle there and chose to apply it to something else later.

Eventually she is tired enough to allow us to roll her onto her tummy and she does not fight it. Only then does she sleep. Last night I let her cry for over five minutes before going in, I listened to her tone and could tell when she was tired out. I gave her her binky and did not put her on her tummy. For the first time in months she slept on her back. She woke up two hours later and I thought we'd have to go thru the whole thing again, but since she was not fully awake I turned her tummy-side and gave the bink and she went back to sleep until 6AM. She used to sleep in until 8-9 every morning. I think I can kiss those days goodbye. *sniff,sniff* I feel quite sorry for myself. LOL!

I am happy to say that yesterday I got to see her turn for the first time. I felt like she just graduated college, I was sooo proud. Then later, not so much. I'd rather that she just went to sleep without the new accomplishment. And at the very same time I'm excited about it still because she's growing and changing so fast and every stage, even the bleary-eyed one we're in now is fun and interesting. I love every minute of it, even when I'd rather be sleeping than wrestling her to sleep.

Who's Problem is This?

2008-07-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

I have three neighbors fairly close to my property. One is the Clover Valley Riding Center including their stable managers who live on property in their own house. The Stable Managers home is quite close to ours, but above our house on the bank slope. The other neighbors are the one's I've written about before with the two young boys. Then we have a new neighbor, just bought the property bordering ours on the West side of our land. I'm really liking her, she's an Equine Vet and just graduated from WSU. She's my age, nice and very friendly. She has two horses and a dog. All nice animals.

I have had some issues with two of my neighbors in the recent past. Some of which are on-going. First of all my neighbors with the two boys let their kids out all day unsupervised, even to the smallest degree. Sometimes I don't even think they have a parent at home. They decided our driveway is the very best place to ride their bikes. Normally this would not be a problem at all, however, I do dog training with my own dogs (and am getting new clients right now) in my yard everyday. Not only are these kids too young to be polite about their riding habits, but Foenix does not like either kid. They've approached him with sticks and yelled at him, teasing him from a tree on many occasions. His dislike is warranted. So now I have to deal with the two boys riding up my long drive way on their bikes, interrupting on my dog training at all times of the day. Its a real nuisance to say the least. Yes, we've asked the kids nicely not to come all the way up our drive. Unfortunately the younger one (nearly four years old) is too young to really understand our reasoning or remember it for too long. Their parents are hardly ever home or visible for us to talk to. At one point I had to write out my concerns a couple years ago and pin it to a tree in their yard--that's how hard it is to get to speak to them at times.

I don't dislike these kids, they are two polite and sweet kids. But I think that we should be able to have our dogs out and generally do our thing on our property without the intrusion. They also like to leave their bikes on our drive, I have to fetch them all the time.

This brings me to my next, and more pressing, issue. D-O-G-S!!! The nearby barn has many clients. Those many clients all seem to have one or more dogs that they allow to run lose all over the barn property and incidentaly run our property as well. I'm getting really sick of all the strange dogs running up to our house (sometimes even on our porch). A couple days ago I was out with Hannah. She was on a blanket in the shade and Foenix, Zeke and I were playing and just enjoying the nice whether. I was alternately playing with Hannah and throwing a ball for the dogs, plus doing some training (at my house every play session also involves training of some sort). We were all having a great time until...I was about 10 feet from Hannah and had just thrown the ball for Foenix when I turned around and saw a large, aggressively moving dog coming up on me and Zeke. The dog rushed Zeke (only a 10# dog) and challenged him in his own yard.

What's more? I nearly had heart failure when I realized, very thankfully, that he had chosen to go after Zeke and not Hannah. I was livid and would have hurt this dog had he not ran away when I moved towards him. I just reacted, not really thinking and wanted the dog, well, to be honest to be dead. It scared me so badly that Hannah could have been attacked and damaged before I could have even intervened. My "Mother instinct" was on high alert. Needless to say that ruined my time outside. And now I constantly feel the need to be looking over my shoulder for this to happen again.

I think, as the laws say in my state, that I'm entitled to be able to enjoy my own yard without frequent threat from the neighbor's dogs. There is a leash law. I follow it. My dogs are either with me or in our securely fenced back yard. They are both trained very well and are under control 99% of the time. They have never, ever been allowed to roam about or escape our property. So why do I have to put up with this from others around me. I know that fencing our land is the only permanent solution to this problem and one we are planning on doing very soon. But in the mean time why should we put up with this?

We should be able to have our daughter out in our yard without worry that a dog is going to come in uninvited and interact with her, even on a friendly level. I DO NOT WANT STRANGE DOGS NEAR MY DAUGHTER OR MY DOGS, PERIOD.

Yesterday I went up to my other neighbors property (the horse Vet) to invited her to come and get some food, or even stay and visit if she was so inclined. She declined due to being on call. As I approached her to ask she was talking with another person who she introduced to me as a client from the barn, who rides there. The Vet asked me if I knew this dog, pointing to one in her pickup. I said "no, but it probably belongs to someone at the barn'. The barn client told me they had already asked and was not any one's dog from there. I said an off hand remark that the barn dogs are always in my yard and the barn client lady, said, in an exceedingly dismissive tone, that "that's they way barns are, everyone bring there dogs and they are not leashed." She went on to tell me, in not so many words, that I should get used to it. To chalk it up to the barn "style".

Ummmm really?? So I just have to put up with unknown temperamented dogs roaming my property and I should just deal with it because of their idea of how a barn is and does things? How would they like it if I were to call the humane societly on one, or worse have thier dog picked up by the pound for threatening my animals and child and tell them to 'deal' with it because that's my "style"? I have a feeling that would put a new spin on the situation.

The next step is to quit ranting about it and call the barn owner and speak to them about it. And believe me it will be done.

Grandpa Update

2008-06-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

Eric and I met up at the hospital today. Grandpa was very weepy and sad looking. He cried as he greeted Grandma and had Eric's Mom and I crying too. It's so touching seeing them greet each other in such a loving and private way. It was such an intimate moment I turned away in respect for their moment. I reflect on the way they love each other so very much and hope that Eric and I grow to love each other that way even in our old age. The way two elderly people love each other is very profound and special, unique to those who've been together for years and years.

Again, without too many details, Grandpa's prognosis is guarded right now. He looks pretty normal, but his medical problems keep mounting and compounding the next issue. It's a vicious cycle that I hope ends soon with him recovering well. I am fearful for him, to be very honest. The only thing we can do is take everything one day at a time and keep praying.

I know this is very hard on Kristie. I cannot imagine how hard. Grandpa is a fighter though and he really desires to get better-- that's half the battle right there.

Flo Finally Comes A-Knock'n

2008-06-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

Yup. Having a fairly normal period. I think it's a little short though, it's almost over already, so that makes only two full days...but then again I am taking a different pill prescription than before, so maybe this will be my new 'norm'. Might be good.

I will confess that I did go out and get a pregnancy test. Eric video'd it. No! He did not video me on the toilet, I always use the 'dip' method. Somehow aiming a stream onto that small stick always leaves me with a wet hand and a dry stick--not what I had in mind, so I got smart and use a disposable cup to get my test sample. So, anyway, we were both holding our breath and it came out negative, so we are both relieved and my guilt is relieved greatly. As Kristie said in her comment about my last post "it would have been God's will" or something to that effect. And, to be sure, that is what kept me from freaking out over the possibility that I might have been expecting so soon. I have been taking my pill exactly right, no missed pills, I even take it the same time every day. So if I was preggers again it would not be my error, but God's blessing. So that makes it immensely easier to swallow. It's so nice to be able to lean on God's shoulder that way.

My Fears and Joys after Hannah, and Updates on Grandpa

2008-06-26T14:14:00.000-07:00

I can safely say I feel pregnant. Even reading this line as I type it makes my heart jump up in tempo. Do I think I'm preggers again? No. Is it possible? Yes. I'm back on the pill, have been for two months now. I have all the symptoms of having my monthy visitor, Aunt Flo. But that's just it...I felt this way for three months into my pregnancy with Hannah. I was still on the pill (at the time I had no idea I was pregnant) and had fairly normal periods for two months of my pregnancy, the other two months before I found out I had all the symptoms of getting my period. Probably the fact I was still taking the pill and going thru the artifitial hormone cycle made me feel like I should start my period. I even had PMS when my pill pack was done gearing up for Aunt Flo.

So, in short, I don't trust my bodies signals anymore. So I'm sweaty palmed because I should have my period by now, or at least think I should. I've been thinking of it frequently today. I even asked Eric how he would feel if I was 'you-know-what' and he said, unhesitantly, "I would be excited". To tell you the truth I would be as well...but also worried, frustrated, scared, a little mad, and happy all in one. Isn't it amazing how God made us so complex? Sometimes I feel an emotion so strongly that I have to take several hours to decide which emotion(s) I'm feeling at the time.

Another baby right now would mean I'd have two diapered kids at once (can you say 'expensive'?), it also means Hannah would have a sibling very close in age. Pros and Cons. It would mean Hannah would not have much time with Eric and I before another child would take one-on-one time away from her. Con. It would mean we are even more of a family. Pro. It would mean chasing Hannah around while I just had another infant. Con. Another pregnancy would mean I could wear my maternity clothes again before they were too out of style, LOL. Pro! It would mean morning sickness and that horrid fatigue while Hannah is a very active, but very needy pre-toddler. Con. It would mean I'd get to love another being the way I love Hannah. Pro.

Truth...as I wrote the paragraph above I found it hard to come up with the "pro's" in the situation. Yes I'd be excited to have another baby. But really my worst fears lie with Hannah. I really want to concentrate on her for a couple years without another child. Could Eric and I balance these crucial early learning months, teaching Hannah and preparing her for life with another baby so young? How does that work? How does one make that work? I feel guilty about the situation and I'm not even in the situation!!!

This whole post could be just a stupid symptom of my impending visit from Aunt Flo. I do realize I'm getting wwwaaaayyyyy ahead of myself here. I'll probably have these fears for several more months untill I get used to the routene of my monthly hormone fluctuations again.

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Grandpa is doing Ok, not great but OK. He has some pretty major medical issues, some of which are chronic and we knew about, others are chronic and we didn't know about. Because we are talking about someone other than Eric, Hannah or myself I will refrain from most details. I do realize this kind of thing is private, heck I would not, not, not appreciate someone blogging about my medical issues without expressed consent!!

He may have a surgery but we are not sure if the surgery would help more than harm....

A New Mile Stone

2008-06-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

I forgot to say that yesterday morning when I got up to get Hannah up to get ready for Church she was on her back! Why is this significant? Because I put her to sleep on her tummy and she had rolled over for the very first time. Yay Hannah *does a little dance*

**for those of you out there that are about to lecture me on my daughter sleeping on her tummy (not recommended by the governing body for pediatricians) I already know. It was an informed decision not made lightly. Obviously so far she is fine.....**

My Weekend and Stuff

2008-06-22T22:30:00.000-07:00

I have had an exhausting weekend for sure!! I've been trying to work as many hours as I can at my part time care giving job and also for this entire past week everyday I went over to my friend Julie's house. Julie was out of town and I went over to help out with caring for her dogs, remember she is Foenix's breeder? Well now you know. Anyway her two son's were there with their dad, but I wanted to go over and make sure that everything was going OK (and that everything was getting done too!). Julie has a couple of very nice kids. Both of them, ages 12 and17, are smart, respectful, and funny kids with great hearts. Neither of them are the 'typical' boys for this time. I really have a lot of fun with them both. Julie will love to hear how they both chipped in with chores, did a great job and got along so well (at least while I was there). Their dad did a great job too!!

On Friday afternoon Eric's Grandfather went into the hospital via an ambulance. He had stopped breathing and was on a ventilator for nearly 24 hours!! Everyone really though his time had come and we were not going to have much time with him left. It was really hard. I went into 'support and nurse mode' and didn't really break down at all. I was thinking so much of Kristie all the way in NZ and her Grandpa on his deathbed, how horrible for her!! I also know this would have been the closest death in Eric's family, Eric has never dealt with a death before so I was worried about him too. Good news!! Grandpa made a truly miraculous turn around and early Saturday morning he was conscious and agitated for being on the machine. He was ex-tubated that afternoon and was move into a regular hospital ward today!! Amazing Grace!!! Thank God for the renewed time we have with Grandpa!!

When I saw Grandpa yesterday and he was responsive and without the ventilator all my facade went out the door and I bawled like a baby in relief. I really, really love Eric's family and Grandpa and Grandma mean so much to me, even more so since having Hannah--they are her Great Grandparents, how lucky is she to have so much extended loving family!! Well, "luck" has nothing, zero, zip to do with it...we all know it's God's Hand blessing her.

I'll keep my blog updated on how Grandpa is doing.

Other than that I'm PMSing to beat the band. Have a headache, want some chocolate. I think I'm almost to the point were I could go on an exercise/diet plan and stick to it....but for now a Hershey's bar sounds like therapy and a spa day all wrapped into one. Geez. *roll eyes*

I have not said a word about the dogs in a long time. Dog training is almost non-existent and I'm not a bit sorry for the moment. I just love concentrating on Hannah and my family right now it just feels like what I should be doing. I will start back with French Ring with Feo when I get some extra money to pay my club dues. I guess that's all.

You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....

2008-06-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....you can load all frequently used dishes, cookware, utensils and glassware, and have it fit, and have it all come out clean.

You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....while your husband helps out and loads the dishwasher you can't help but leave your own housework to make a lot of "oh so helpful suggestions" on where to put items (everything)

You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....you have slight anxiety over hearing the dishwasher running and realizing you are not the one who turned it on. As you approach the sink your fears are confirmed-- half of the things that could have gone in are still in the sink. *sigh*

You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....you have a list of helpful tips on how to get the hard-to-remove-stuck-on-food-particles to come off in the dishwasher. And then you tell your husband and actually expect him to remember next time he loads the dishwasher, which of course he does not because only you are that particular about it.

You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....while helping clean up a friends/relatives kitchen you are most happy to do anything but load the dishwasher, after all it's not your dishwasher, it's not your territory and you might look silly-- or worse-- look like as bad a dishwasher loader as that person's husband *gasp*

You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....when your old, slightly broken dishwasher gets fixed you feel excited about loading it the next time. I mean you are really looking forward to bonding with the improved dishwasher.

You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....the thought of teaching your kids how to properly load your dishwasher you remember your own Mother getting ticked off at you about how 'carelessly' you loaded when you were a kid. The flood of sudden understanding brings a rush of nastalgia that prompts to you call your Mother immediately, teary eyed, telling her you had an epiphany.

You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....in those *rare* moments when you load the dishwasher A-la Husband-esque, you make sure to unload it before he sees it. After all, you must maintain your superior dishwasher loader status or risk him pointing out that you didn't put the casserole in it's normal place. The universe might implode if that happens. Yes, you're sure it will.

If you are wondering, Yes! I'm a Dishwasher Nazi. My Mom was too, and now I understand why and how you become one. When I realized this it was yet another moment when I took another step at becoming my Mother. LOL. Not that I mind.

Eric is slowly but surely coming over to the dark side. He'll be second Nazi in command by the time Hannah is old enough to load the dishwasher, and the cycle will start over. Muwahhahhahha hahaa haaa (evil laugh)

The 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Be Smug

2008-06-17T23:31:00.001-07:00

LOL. Well maybe not laughing out loud, more like, saying G-rated curse words out loud (that would be GRCWOL, if you were wondering).

I was soooo smug about getting rid of our ants. Yesterday I found two of them in the kitchen. Only two. Not fourty. Just two, I have to keep reminding myself that it was only two. Today I found zero. I also keep reminding myself that the two I found did seem confused, or was that just my out of control imagination again? Well I didn't let the ants go back to the colony--I squashed them on site. Sorry (not really), I just have no patience for them from now on.

In going back to read more about them **More Wonderful Google** I found that some species of these small ants can have a secondary colony and possible multiple queens. Goody gum drops >:( So it seems my seemingly thwarted opposition might have an ace up their tiny sleeves! But, I am not going to wait so long to declare war again. If I find just one more I'll get out the boric acid and honey and let the carnage begin...again.

Is it terrible to admit feeling just a little smug again? Will I never learn? :D

Happy Father's Day :D

2008-06-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!!!

We are blessed to have our earthy and heavenly Fathers, we should all give thanks!!

Today Hannah was dedicated to God. Really it's a declaration of our intent to raise her as a Christian and the Church also agrees to help raise her up in the Lord and set good examples for her.

Today was so special.

I Won, I Won!! :)

2008-06-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

Yup, that's right as of yesterday afternoon I have not had one single ant in my kitchen. I checked outside and not one single ant eating the jam or sugar syrup either. I win, I win. Haha gotta love it when things go your way!!

The War is officially over and peace time reigns.

War Stats:

Total Casualties: unknown ant total, 0 human loss
Days of assault before War Declaration: 11
Days of War time: 3
Cost of War: about 5 bucks
Victory: SWEET!!

The War I've Waged, an Update

2008-06-11T02:14:00.000-07:00

Today I mixed 1/4 recipe of the sugar-water-acid solution. It's very thick, actually when first mixed it reminded me of the surprising consistency of my amniotic fluid when my water broke, but I digress. So I took the solution to where I had put the deadly strawberry jam mixture and put it around it. I thought that I'd just leave the jam there, after all who knows what other insects it might prevent from coming in the house--two days ago we had a huge carpenter ant enter the house via the same window that the sugar ants come in. But I guess I'd have to mix it with wood for it to appeal to a carpenter ant? I don't really know...but if I Google it...! :D

Again the little bugs were all lined up like some kind of tiny domesticated animals. Again I found it very cute. One thing I loved to witness today was one ant got her antennae stuck in the sticky, slightly dried strawberry jam. She had to tug really hard to get un-stuck and when she was free she suddenly flew backwards!! Haa Haa ha, LOL. Watching it was so familiar to things I've seen people do, in fact have done myself, that it just made me realize that, in fact, we even have behaviors in common with the very lowly animals on this planet. Probably everyone has gotten something stuck and nearly fallen on their rear ends when it surprises us and un-sticks.

I watched until some of the little guys (girls) had found the sugar solution and started drinking. They were immediately less 'drunk' looking than the one's the day before so I think it might work the intended way this time.

I did more Googleing regarding the time frame to expect zero ants coming into my home and got answere from 24 hours (already passed that mark) to a week. I'll keep the updates as long as there are battles to wage and a war to be won.

War!!

2008-06-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago I noticed that I had Sugar Ants in my kitchen. I've seen them before, the first summer we lived in our home, but didn't see them at all last summer--go figure *shrug*

Everyday it seems in the warm(ish) afternoons I have a parade of small black ants to watch. It does not matter how clean my kitchen is, they come anyway. I have to admire their determination and hope they represent. They are determined to come in my house and hope to find food. I know how ants are. They release pheromones as they walk around hoping to find food, they 'taste' the air, ground, and other objects for edible particles. If the ant happens to find a food source they will leave a different trail of pheromones on the way back to the colony to 'tell' the other ants where to find the food and what kind can be expected. The other ants then follow the trail back and --Viola-- they continue to come in increasingly alarming numbers, even if you have cleaned every crumb up off your counters. They still come. I've tried breaking their pheromone trail but they seem to be able to follow it even after I've just bleached the counter. Trying other household cleaners was just as ineffective.

I am a very soft hearted person towards animals, yes, even insects, spiders and bugs. I do not allow the killing of anything in my home, even spiders (they get 'escorted' out the door via a cup limo). So usually I would not wage a bloody battle against any insect in my home. In fact I've had spiders take up residence in my shower, they seem to enjoy the humidity and keep the mosquito's off us in the summer (or maybe that's not it at all, maybe they like the 'view'? LOL). I also enjoy watching cute Jumping Spiders hunt while in my house, they are my very favorite spider!

So, you get the point. I'm nice to creepy-crawlies. But these darn ants...I just cant stand them anymore!!!!!!!! They have to go. I did a Google of "how to get rid of sugar ants" *Lord Bless Google* and came up with over a million hits of different means of extermination. Boric Acid seems to be the very best thing for it. Today I picked up a bottle of it at the Pharmacy and mixed it with some strawberry jam. I smeared it on the outside of my house and waited with glee for the carnage to begin! He he he. I feel a little evil about that.

So I started checking the smear every half hour or so and after about two hours I suddenly found about 25 of my little victims all crowded around gorging themselves. They reminded me of cattle around a large feed trough, they were pretty cute all lined up. I felt a short pang of guilt about it, but, gosh they just have to go!! I also noticed as they started getting full the ones that were moving off were staggering around like little drunk sailors. If you listened carefully you could just about hear them hiccuping and calling out to their friends that they were going home to sleep it off. Ok my imagination is running amok. LOL. I touched a couple of them and they certainly didn't scurry off like normal so I knew the Boric Acid was having the desired effect. Hmmm or was it??

I realized that the whole point of this is for them to take their full stomachs back to the colony, share it with the others and ultimately feed some of the poison to the queen, thus efficiently dooming the entire lot of them. Without the queen, no eggs laid, no eggs laid means no more increased population. But my ants were already feeling high from their meal and I stated to see them freeze and die almost immediately. I over dosed them. I needed them mobile enough to lug it back for the others but and at the same time not kill them right away. So back to Google I went to ask: "recipe for sugar ant killing, Boric Acid". Right away I got a 2/1 sugar-water ratio with 2 Tablespoons of Acid per two cups of water. Wow my original recipe was a Tablespoon of Strawberry Jam to a teaspoon of Acid. Uh yeah, mine was too strong *roll eyes*

Boy does killing ever require a lot of thinking. Sheesh!!

Tomorrow I'll go out and remove my strawberry jam mixture and replace it with a proper sugar water solution. And hopefully this will be the final battle of this war dramatic ant war.

It's Ok to be Vulnerable

2008-06-03T11:07:00.000-07:00

I have many, many faults. Sometimes I feel like hiding my faults from others, but the older I get the more comfortable I am with others seeing them. In the past I only felt safe with my closest family members knowing that I was not perfect. Being imperfect was not a safe place, ever, when I was younger. I know I am not the only person ever to feel this way. It's also a sad way of living your life. I spent far too much time hoping people around me would not dislike anything I said or did and I counted a day as a good one if I went through the day without a disapproving look from someone. So I did a lot of hiding.

But everyone has to grow up. I'm still in that process, but have come a long way from that fearful little girl I once was. I'm not boasting about myself, so please don't take it that way. I just have some thoughts that I'd like written down.

I think that one reason I have such a great relationship with my Mom is that she sees my faults. I can tell her things about myself that would make others judge me harshly and forever embarrass me because of the judgement I see in their eyes and actions toward me. But not my Mom, she sees my faults and will tell me what they are. That is one of the hardest things to do--be honest with someone enough to see their faults and then be able to tell them what you see and still have respect and love for that person.

I'm not implying that I love it when someone tells me that I was wrong in some way or that I've sinned. I'm normal, it hurts and makes me angry at first. I still find myself going back in time to my childhood where I felt that if I did something wrong and was found out I'd lose that person's love. So my knee jerk reaction is to be angry and reject their point of view.

What I am saying is that if you try and see only the good in someone, by putting 'blinders' on you can only ever see part of who they are. People are a whole, not just good, happy, rosy people. Everyone has thought, done, said things that are less than what we know is appropriate or good. People who put on these blinders are very sad to me. They are people who cannot ever know another person because they are unwilling to see the entirety and depth of the person. It is very sad indeed. I also have to ask these questions: Why is it so important to only see the good things about people? Why can't we be more accepting of other's faults? Is it because it they have a need for everyone around them to be perfect because they are afraid of their own faults and therefore vulnerability?

Back to my Mom. She knows my many faults. I have found it rather cathartic to be vulnerable with her by telling her and accepting her telling me my faults. It was a weight off my shoulders to be so open with someone and learn that she did still love me. And the same applies to her faults, I love that I know that she is and will never be a perfect person. Sometimes I've complained about that, but in retrospect if she were perfect I don't think I could love her as I do because I would not feel ok to be vulnerable with her over my own shortcomings. It is give and take.

My husband tells me all the time that I 'share' too much with people, I over explain things. I think part of that is me trying to take others guards down and show them I'm not perfect because I wish that I could have a vulnerability with most everyone I care about. I laughingly will tell people embarrassing things about my past, or tell them about a lie I told so that I can be open to them in that way. I just wish more people were open to that as well. If we are not willing to be vulnerable to other meaningful people in our lives then when are we going to be comfortable being vulnerable with God?

The really sad thing is that God is the ultimate when it comes to matters of the heart like I'm talking about. He will not reject you in a vulnerable time, he already knows everything any how. So how silly is it to hide from him in the same way we hide ourselves from each other? So maybe it's easiest to start admitting our faults to God before we can practice this type of honesty with other human beings? I don't pretend to know the answer, I would think it would be different for everyone.

In being a parent I hope that Eric and I can maintain a level of honesty and vulnerability towards our children because I never want our kids to think that they have to hide from us. I hate dishonesty, and so I hope to show my children that they are loved and accepted for who they really are and not just for the person I want to see. I want to have my children grow up never having to be afraid of losing love from others like I did. I want to be a vulnerable person for the sake of others.

Having a Bad Day? Listen to a Baby Laughing Will Make it All Better!!

2008-06-02T22:28:00.000-07:00

So the last few days for me have been not so great. I'm having major hormone issues, and at the same time non-hormonal issues that seem to get so magnified by the hormones!! I really hope this bad PMS does not keep up for long, I'll have to change my pills.

Eric and I had a long talk yesterday. I'd love to give details, but for the sake of our relationship I'll let those remain private. It was one of those talks that I hope other couples have, I think most probably do. You know the kind I'm talking about, the talks where you actually communicate on a level where you feel you've really been heard and you know your spouse got to get some things of their chest as well. It was a very good conversation and one that has left me a little sad, but at the same time energized. I pray that we remember the conclusions we came to with this discussion. It was good. :)

I've been wondering lately when Hannah would start to laugh spontaneously. She laughs often enough if I tickle her. It's so incredibly cute!! But tonight she was on the couch with me and I started to sing her the ABC's, she loves it when I sing to her. Anyway, I decided to sing the alphabet to her by saying the sounds three time each in order. She really got a kick out of it (don't ask me why) and she laughed at me!! She thought it was really funny especially when I got to "G" and "E". For the first time I was not torturing a laugh out of her, she was just giving them. It was so darling I can't even tell you. What a special moment to cap off a couple not-so-great days.

God has a very special way of telling you to hang in there when you need it and I think that's what he did for me today with Hannah. I'm especially glad Eric was home to be able to see it and have the same joy that I did. It was so special.

Who Am I and Who Are You?

2008-05-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

Recently after some unwanted excitement on a dog forum I'm on I've been doing a lot of thinking about the computer relationships that I have with groups or individuals. In the past I've been a member to up to four dog forums at one time. The first one I was on was about three years ago when I met Julie at Vom Banach and was purchasing a pup from her. She invited me on to this forum where the owner lives in the Netherlands. Cool!! And interesting and international place to chat with other like minded people right? Wrong!!

Within a couple weeks on that forum I started to see patterns in people's behavior. It seemed simple enough to me that this was, in fact, these people's personalities. I was caught off guard at some of the bluntness and down right mean-ness I was witnessing. I felt bad for these people's families!! :( I also noticed something about my own behavior. I was being more blunt to these strangers than I normally would have been. I didn't put much though into it at the time but now I realize I was falling into the "its-ok-to-be-blunt or rude-because-you-are-not-in front-of-these-anonymous-people" trap. Another thing to complicate the entire forum board is that we are talking about a group of dog breeders/trainers/owners. That right there should sent up red flags to the general population, my opinion is that most hard core dog people are a bit 'off'. Ha ha. So the forums are basically anonymous groups of very passionate/opinionated dog nuts. Just the kind of thing most sane people would avoid. But not me.

I've learned a lot about people in this process and also learned some about myself. Some of it not very flattering some of it good. I've learned that I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt more than I should...and then again I also like that part of my personality because I find sometimes giving that person a little "leash" is the correct thing to do. At least if I find out I'm wrong I can still feel OK because I feel good knowing I gave the person a chance. I've also learned that, while I give most people the benifit of the doubt, that I can, on occasion, make harsh snap judgements about others. I don't know why that is...just some people clash so much with my own personality that it's hard not to sometimes. The worst part is that because of the bluntness that goes on on forums is that I've been called out for some of my behavior publicly. In reality my 'behavior' was not terrible, but yes sometimes rude and uncalled for. Another thing is that because of a few posts people make judgments about you that are not true at all, but gosh to they stick!! I'm also guilty of this to a degree. The sad thing is that I know that even my worst opinion of some of these people, in the back of my mind I still save room for the idea that I don't really know them and they probably are not like this in real life, or at least I hope they are not.

There are very few people I've ever known in my entire life that I have a bad opinion of that I do not save room for the possibility that I might have them pegged wrong.

So the question stands: Who Am I and Who Are You? The internet is not the place to decide either of those. I cannot convey the whole of who I am to anyone on the intertnet. Their are far too many variables. Same thing goes for 'You" out there. I cannot find out who you really are as a person. Too many variables. Too many egos. Too many bad days, too many off days, too much venting, too much taken the wrong way, too much trying to kiss butt, too much attempting to be a different "you", too much trying to be the authentic "you" but people don't believe it. Just plain too much.

I prefer real relationships with people. I have my best friend Julie, my very good friend Gisela and others too. These people I regularly see in person or speak with on the phone. They know who I am in real life, not the unreal life of the internet.

Ramblings

2008-05-29T00:14:00.000-07:00

Today marks one week that Buddy has been gone. I have some thoughts I'd like to share here. People have a wide range of reactions when I tell them Buddy was PTS (put to sleep) and out of his misery. Some people have a strong reaction with lots of sympathy and empathy. Others, those who knew me and him well, react solemnly but seem to know that it was indeed his time to go--they do not have a dramatic reaction to it. I've done a lot of thinking about that and I feel a little guilty for the way I feel about him not being here anymore.

You see, Buddy was with me so long. When he was diagnosed with his disease I think I mourned him more then than now. The last two years have been hard seeing him slowing become a mere shell of what he used to be both physically and mentally. Buddy was not and had not been Buddy for a long time. He slept outside every night, and while he had an awesome set up with a nice bed and a heat lamp, I felt so bad to have to make him be so isolated. He really didn't seem to care however, he'd rather lie under the heat lamp than be bothered by us. I know that is true. So all in all I am not so heartsick over his death as I thought I would be. I mourned him already. And I feel guilty for it, but it's only true. *sigh*

I have PMS. Ugh!! For a few days I've been having lower back pain and headaches and feeling a little on edge. When I went to take my pill this evening I realized I was on my placebo portion of the pack...no wonder I've been feeling this way. I'm happy to report that this pill prescription, Ortho Tricyclen Lo, seems to work well for me. I wanted a low dose pill, but was unsure of how I would be on it. I have a long history of very, very bad PMS and I do need the pill to keep me on an even keel. Otherwise I think Eric and I would not have such a happy marriage. I really hate the fact that I have to take a pill to keep me on even. Why does this have to be? But I'm glad for it, I was hoping not to go back on the pill because I hate having to put those extra chemicals/hormones in my system but after lots of discussion about other birth control methods the pill seems to be the very best solution for us. Oh well.

We looked into having an IUD placed. I even talked at length with my Ob-GYN but after reading about exactly how an IUD works I was not comfortable with it. We were going to go with the IUD that does have a low dose hormone in it. But I read that it does not prevent ovulation and I am not comfortable with the idea that I might get pregnant again, have a viable zygote/embryo and have it basically aborted because of the IUD. I want pregnancy prevention, not just embryo protection. The thought makes me feel ill. I can't do it.

So anyway that's probably more information than anyone needs, but this is my blog...

Another Creature Enters the House

2008-05-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

So, just like with the Shrew episode, I was feeding Hannah when this happened. I had the front door open to catch the odd cool breeze when our girl kitty, Fiona, runs inside. Her body language was not normal and I noticed some grass hanging our of her mouth. She spits the grass clump out and onto the rug in our hall way and what do I see emerge from the grass? A small Garter snake! I said, "oh Crap!!" out loud cause the first thing I see it do is slither into our computer/guest room. Damn. I'm about half way through Hannah's feeding and she usually does not take kindly to being disturbed from eating (read: has a big Hairy Canary Fit).

I took my chances on having Hannah screaming because I need to get the snake before it got lost in the house. I was imagining not being able to locate it just to have it turn up in a few days all dead and smelly inside a shoe or something similar. Gross. I did find the little snake curled up right inside the doorway, ready to strike Fiona. Ha ha, so cute. It was about 7 inches long with a tiny head about the size of a Q-tip head. At first when I picked it up it decided to play dead (yes, real play-dead, not 'actually dead' play-dead like the shrew (R.I.P). I thought it was adorable and took some pictures of it before letting it go outside. And it didn't even poop on me like most snakes do. :)

Picture me with a mulllet....

2008-05-24T16:06:00.001-07:00

Can you? Picture me with a mullet like this one? Ok I'm not a middle aged man, but I fear I'll look like this soon. Why? Because my hair is falling out at an incredible rate, I mean it!!! I was told my hair would to this, but I've found that, like most pregnancy warnings you get, that you really cannot imagine it until you are there. And I'm 'there' with my hair everywhere but on my head. Last night in the shower I rescued about an ounce of hair, not to mention what went down the drain. I've always had very thick wavy hair but I'm down to about half of what I had.

Why a Mullet? Because I'm already no stranger to frizz, you might even say that frizz and I are old friends. So when my hair all starts growing back all the short hairs will stick up all over the top of my head giving me a frizz-mullet. How nice. I think that I'll have to get some Ultra-Guaranteed-Helmet-head Hairspray to prevent the frizz mullet. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to my new 'do'. *rolleyes* LOL. I might even take a picture and post of so you all can compare me with this guy. Who knows maybe an accidental mullet just by chance looks better than an on-purpose one. LOL

The Time Has Come

2008-05-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

I'm sad to report that tomorrow we will be taking Buddy to the Vet to be euthanized. He is 19 years old now and has been diagnosed with degenerative spinal cord for that past two years. He has done really well up until recently. He did not get out of his be outside once yesterday so this morning I went outside to get him up. I carried him down the stairs to the yard and he was so wobbly and confused looking. I think he may have had a stroke because he seems to be very affected on one side, he head tilts at an unnatural angle and he cannot lift his head laterally above mid leg. He also turns in a circle to move, but usually he just falls over. This is quite sudden as just a few days ago he was running about, albeit not very gracefully, chasing Zeke and play bowing. Buddy did not eat his food last night even though I had placed it in his bed instead of in his bowl as usual. I know the time has come and I am so sad.

I've had Buddy since I was 9 years old. He's been my constant companion for every major milestone in my life, except my birth. He is also the only living legacy that my family still has of my Grandmother's life long career as a dog breeder, she bred Buddy's father and mother, both of which I knew well. Buddy's dad, Tex, was the only tri-color Basenji Grandma every had and I was the first one to set eyes on him the day he was born.

Buddy was also the first dog I ever trained. Poor Buddy, my training techniques at 9 were rudimentary at best, I sometimes wonder how he ever learned anything from me looking back. LOL. Buddy has a huge spirit, one that got him into so much trouble at times. He never backed down from a fight and he used to be an escape artist. A combination that landed him in the sick bed more that once. I can still look at him and remember every incident that each of his many scars belong to. Sometimes he looked like the patchwork dog. But he always bounced back and never seemed to remember why challenging the doberman next door was not a good idea. I was glad when he started slowing down a bit when he hit 13, by that time I had neutered him and he was mellowing out. Buddy challenged me as well and that landed him crated and in some very hot water with my Mom, who threatened to get rid of him more that once...that's what prompted me to train him better and get a better handle on his behavior. To be honest the dog was a big jerk for the first three or four years of his life. But through it all we've stuck together and he and I grew up and learned together. I cannot believe he lived this long. I love you my Buddy-Boy, my Buddah-pup, my Budlocks Boondog. Rest in Peace tomorrow.

I'm a sicko...

2008-05-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

Ok the title is a little off-putting. But, really I am sick and so is Hannah. In fact, being sick has given me some time to write this post, so who says being sick is all that bad? Kidding, of course. Hannah started in with some heavy, snotty congestion, a little fussy and very sleepy. I started getting sick the day after she did. I have a bad sore throat and just plain feel crummy. I've been worried that she would start getting what I have. Seems we have different colds, but to be honest I'm not sure. Since she cannot tell me where she feels bad it's hard to know exactly what her symptoms are except the obvious.

Except for feeling like I do things have been going great. I had such a wonderful time with my sister here. I was sad to drop her off for her flight home, she made is safe and I've spoken with her several times since then. And...I need to tell her 'sorry' that I have not sent her the pics of us I promised to get 'right to her'. I have not had the time or energy to do it...but I guess I could be doing it right now. Hmmmm.... Maybe tomorrow I'll do it, my famous last words. LOL.

Hannah continues to amaze me everyday. Her development is so incredible, and I have to brag that she is very, very smart. Ok, so every mother says that, I think somewhere in my "How to be a Typical Mom" book it says that you have to believe your child is the smartest. So far I'm right where my book says I should be. If you are wondering the book is fictional, you know what they say? Yes, parenting is sans handbook. But anyway, our daughter is doing everything early according to the development time lines I read. She's just over three months old and can sit with some balance support, hold her head up easily, reaches and grabs for toys, she can laugh out loud too. Most of these things she's been doing for several weeks already. She just started reaching and holding toys for the last two weeks though, she's way more fun to play with now because she can interact with the toys more and seems to really enjoy it. Hannah is also a chatterbox-- always making some kind of noise. It's so cute. She talks with the pictures of animals on her swing, she loves the blue elephant and will stare at it and have a chat for several minutes. I'm glad she's too young to notice it does not ever respond...or, and this just came to me, maybe she knows it does not respond but just doesn't give a hoot? Yeah that's it, she's playin' it cool. *snicker*

Being a Mom continues to surprise me. I love it more than I thought I could. I never get tired of her and love our time during the day when it's just us. We have a good routine worked out and I really enjoy her so much. It pretty much goes like this: Wake up at 7-8AM- change diaper, make bottle, she eats, burps then we play for a while. Then I go and get some breakfast and I put her in her swing or chair while I eat. Change diaper. She naps, sometimes I do to. She wakes up, make bottle, eat, burp. We play with toys, or read a book (usually several times because they are such short books), somewhere in there she poops, I changer her and some times I have to change her clothes too. Then she naps a short while, she wakes up and I get some house work done or plan dinner. She comes with me from room to room in her bouncy chair. We play, talk and interact while I do house stuff. Changer diaper. She eats again, burps, naps or sometimes she just sits with me and watches TV. Usually by this time Eric comes home from work and I hand her off to him so I can finish dinner. More play, eat, burp until about 11PM and shes down for the night and it starts over then next day. And it never gets old and I love every minute of it. She changes everyday and I look forward to her first morning noises that let me know she is waking up because I know I will be blessed with another day with my baby.

Happy Mother's Day :)

2008-05-11T22:47:00.000-07:00

Happy Mothers Day to all you Moms our there. I know have a small taste of what you all have been going through since the creation of childeren!! I bow down to all the hard work and dedication it takes to be a Mom, and celabrate all those special moments with our childeren.

I've been having so much fun with Heather. She and I are very much alike and we always have a great time together even though we only get to visit every few years. She wanted to go out and try some good sushi so we went to one of my favorite places--Hiro Sushi right here in our own small town. I think they have very good food and we all enjoyed our dinners the other night. We had some octopus and some scallops, yes all raw, and both were delicious. Heather was a little embarassed to tell me how much she wanted to go to eat sushi because she comes from a very small town in Ohio that does not really have much in the way of exotic fare, but she had nothing to worry about with me...trying new food is sort of a hobby and I always want to try something new when I go some place I have never been before.

I was running around this morning getting ready for chruch and when we go to church Eric says to me, "didn't you notice the cards and flowers on the table?". I felt bad, he had put effort into surprising me with my cards and flowers from Hannah and he and I didn't even see them. I laughed at myself and apologized to him, and in typical Eric form he really didn't mind, but was excited to come home and have me see it all. He's such a sweet heart. I got cards from Hannah, Eric, the dogs and the cats-- yes that's right, it's become a silly tradition in our family. When Eric and I got married I found a pet adoption form in a card shop and filled it out and stamped Zeke's and Buddy's paw prints at the bottom. Eric was 'officially' their 'dad', and he has the documents to prove it. Thus started our tradition and I enjoy it, though I do get comments every now and then from people who think it's dumb. LOL, but I don't care...it's our thing and it's just one small thing that makes us smile and put effort into our relationship a few extra times a year. Whatever works right?

I'm on a rollercoaster of emotion lately. I'm now back on the pill and it's really doing a number on me. I hope things even out soon, because I don't know how I can keep from snapping at Eric for much longer. I've just been on edge with the smallest things lately with him, I guess you do hurt the one's you love the most....boy do I ever have to edit my words sometimes, even when I don't want to.

I'm tired so this is going to be short. I'll get back in the next few days.

My May Excitement So Far

2008-05-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

May has been a strange month and it's only a few day in. What's in store for us this month? I know what our schedule looks like, but I can't tell the future so I am happily looking forward to some interesting things to blog about this month.

A couple days ago I was just getting Hannah settled down for a nap on the couch when I saw Foenix in his crate getting startled every few minutes. He would jump up and look at the edge of his crate intently for a few seconds, look at me and then settle back down. I though there must be a spider or something on his crate. Wasn't too concerned about it. A few minutes later I saw what he was trying to tell me was in the house. ~~A Shrew~~ I saw it scurrying along the wall between the coat closet and front door. I'm an animal person as one could guess, so I wasn't too freaked out by it so I calmly went over to it and got a good look, it did not seem to notice me at all and didn't try to run away. I know they are almost blind little creatures, and they are really cute too. It made it's way under the closet door so I opened it hoping my cats would catch it and I could get it outside.

But, wouldn't you know, my cats, the G-R-E-A-T hunters they are did not seem to know what to do with a prey item in the house *roll eyes*. So I sent Zeke in after it and he got it and brought it to me *roll eyes* *giggle*. He'll fetch anything. It was not hurt but I didn't want to touch it for fear of getting bit by it (they have nasty teeth!!) So I let Foenix have a go at it...the only thing that accomplished was he chased the little creature into Hannah's room. Uhh. So then I spent about 20 minutes taking everything out of Hannah's closet and then found it dead under her rocking horse. I thought at first it was playing dead, but I scooped it up into a container and set it on the porch. I fully expected it to be gone in a few minutes after it realized it was safe...but no, it was dead. I think I stressed it to death, poor little thing. :(

My sister, Heather, is coming for a visit from Ohio. She has a husband, two daughters and two dogs, and two cats. Hannah is her first niece and she's too excited to meet her and put on her auntie role. Eric and I went about 2.5 years ago to visit them and we had a wonderful time going to Cedar Point park. Heather put on a huge bon fire with lots of good food, a few drinks and friends. I was a really fun time, so we are putting a bon fire on for her this Saturday. She arrives on Thursday--I can't wait to see her!!!

....I just got off the phone with my MIL and she told me that Kristie might be further along in her pregnancy that at first thought. Oh!? I never did mention that she is preggers did I? Well there it is, Kristie and Scott are expecting their first child in October, but seems this little bundle might decide to come in September instead. LOL!! Good luck Kristie.

Spring is here...finally...

2008-04-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad that we are getting some better weather. Our spring, here in Western Washington State, has been cold, cold, cold. We even had snow a about three weeks ago!! The leaf buds on the trees are swelling and some trees are even getting a nice amount of foliage. I love it!! I don't love the allergies that come with it though... *sniff, cough*.

I'm so excited to say that I've made a training appointment for Foenix next week. I cannot wait to get back to training him. Lately we've been working on his retrieve and his heeling work, both of which are very good. Heeling needs some work with more constant eye contact but he's really very good for the amount of time I've had the past few months. I am really looking forward to showing my Training Director how Foenix has matured and how well we are doing. I really am curious to see how his bitework will be...with his more mature age and drive level I think he's gonna hit harder than ever. I'll post some pics of our training session when I get them next week!!! :D

This week we had a run in with the naked neighbor's kid. Foenix and I were playing Chuck-It! outside and the kid came down the road a bit. He's about 4 years old and was completely nude except for some cowboy boots!! *rolling eyes* Why exactly is he allowed to go around like this? Anyway Foenix was oblivious of him because he's so focused on chasing the ball, but when I stopped for a second and didn't throw it he became too aware of this little kid suddenly and barked aggressively at him. It scared me and I corrected him for it, but at the same time this little boy should not have been allowed to follow us around!! Anyway it turned out fine, but it really bothers me that some people allow their kids around strange dogs like this!! It could have been a very bad situation for both the boy and Foenix. I'll have to keep a very close eye out for this in the future since it seems the kids parents are not going to step up and do it. I did talk with the boy's Mom and she didn't seem at all worried or concerned. I don't want to make my dog sound dangerous so I didn't get into the lecture I wanted to give her. I will have to come up with a very tactful way of educating them about it, since they are our neighbors I can't burn a bridge.

Eric is looking into different work. He's applied at the Shipyard and for another job (can't say what it is yet....I'll post more later about it). I'm hoping the Shipyard comes available soon so Eric can get out of Sears. His job has been good for us, allowed us to buy a home and property, but it's not what Eric would like to be doing. Eric wants a job where his daily job description involves helping people and really making a difference. If he gets in with the shipyard he'll be taking a second job because initially it will be a pay cut. So that means less time to spend and home with Hannah and I. I am sad for this possibility but as the old saying goes: "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!"......

Here's my Girl

2008-04-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

Hannah Lee at at 11 weeks old today. How time does fly Oh my does it ever!!! Look at my precious girl, she is the light of my life. She has made me a different person. I'm a Mom and that means I can no longer roll my eyes at my own Mother's motherly-ness, because I am just like her. I cannot tell you how many times lately I've thought or said things that I never used to understand and now I can't help but think that someday Hannah will think I'm just being a "Mom" and won't understand me. It truly does take a walk in a parents shoes to understand.

More ramblings

2008-04-26T11:28:00.001-07:00

I was really hoping to be able to log in and finish my last post...but I figrured it had been too long to tack more stuff onto it and my thoghts now are different so I'm posting anew.

Like I was saying Hannah is doing great. I love her poo because it means her system is working properly. She has at least one 'number two' a day and plenty of soggy wet diapers to change as well. I was against the Diaper Genie at first but I see the two I have unopened in their boxes and they call to me ever so softy to use one, or maybe both. The thing is, that I just don't see the point in them. I have a perfectly good garbage can in my kitchen, why to I need yet another usless item taking up space in Hannah's room? But, alas, I'm coming to see why it might be nice to have it there--It's just so darn hard to wrangle a screaming, kicking, hungry baby and remember to throw each diaper away after each change. So what happens is (and I'm not the only one who does this..) that the diapers get set on the changing table until I have several to throw away. Yucky. So either I demand that everyone throws them away in a more timely manner or I use the Diaper Genie. I'll let you know what wins out.

The dogs are doing fine with the changes in the household. Foenix does get on my nerves with his constant needing something to do...I knew it was going to be like this but sometimes it gets to me. I've taken to putting him on the treadmill and he now will walk nicely on it. He does not paticularly enjoy it but he puts up with it and it gives him some good exercise and me some time to do some training with him after.

Foenix needs a grooming really bad. I got around to grooming Zeke the other day and found that he had twice the undercoat that he normally does. I raked so much hair off of him that if filled my bathroom garbage can nearly half full and he's only a ten pound dog too!! I use the best grooming tool ~The Furminator~ hands down the very best grooming tool I've ever come across, in fact I think it's one of the very best pet products on the market in the last 15 years. It's awsome!! I can get a dog stripped of dead undercoat in about 20 minutes without much fuss. It's more comfortable for the dogs than a slicker brush. There are two cons I can think of 1) the price!! 2) you need to clean it every stroke or you can't get more undercoat out so it can be a PITA at times.

Well I thought that I would have more time to write but Hannah is telling me she's no longer interested in her swing, or her bouncy chair. She's fussing up a storm, I have no idea why. Sometimes I just don't know why she fusses or does anything. Other times it's really obvious. Right now she should be content to swing, she's fed, she's changed....hmmm back to Mommy Time. See ya later.

I love baby poop and some other Motherly things

2008-04-25T06:25:00.000-07:00

Nearly two weeks ago we switched Hannah over to a hypoallergenic formula to ease her allergies. It's made such a positive difference in her and therefore in both Eric and I. She's a much happier and easier to deal with baby. In fact, she smiles so much I think sometime her face will crack in half with one of her huge grins, LOL. She's just too cute. Anyway, with her diet change came some trouble pooping. I thought at first the diet change was not working and got really upset about it, but then I realized her straining to poo is different than her fussing used to be. Sure enough she would take a couple days to go 'number 2', but afterwards she was more content. For the past four days she's been going everyday. I can't tell you how much I rejoice at seeing (or smelling) her diaper full!! No joke!! I'm finding that I am so relieved for her when she has an easier time pooping because she's all round more pleasant and comfortable and that makes me happy and more relaxed as well.

Right now she's sleeping!! It's 6:32am and I'm blogging and the sun has just come up behind me out the window and it's so peaceful and beautiful. Foenix, Zeke and Buddy are all out and relaxing in the dim morning light. As I look out the window Foenix sees me and he gets excited thinking I'm going to run over and let him in.

-----Ok Hannah just woke up so I'll post more later, hopefully soon...

Just some updates..

2008-04-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

Oh gosh it's been too long again since I signed in and updated my blog. It's been 10 long (and short) weeks since Hannah was born and I've learned so much. Having a baby and raising a baby is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. This is not a compliant, just a fact. It's also the best and most fun I've had as well. It’s truly a roller coaster of emotions. Elation, self-doubt, fear, guilt, anxiety, love, love, love, happiness, contentedness, exhaustion, and at times anger, did I mention love? cheerfulness, and finally some confidence too. :)

In the first three weeks after having her I had some major anxiety. The cause? Lack of sleep coupled with too many people and not enough privacy. At first I felt scared that I was going to have bad postpartum depression. But as the days ticked by I started feeling 'normal' in the evenings and slowly that feeling grew longer and longer until I had a full day of feeling like myself. I did a lot of crying during this time. It was hard on Eric to watch me go through this without knowing how to help me.

I've learned so much about myself through this time as well. I learned that I needed to be allowed to do things on my own without too much intervention from others. The first two weeks after Hannah was born I had a lot of 'help'. I appreciated it all...I really did and I feel bad even for writing this because everyone had the best intentions. But the truth is everyone coming over to help with the baby and house made me a little nuts-O. At the time I could not put a finger on it. When I would try and take a nap I could not sleep because every time I heard Hannah make a noise my adrenaline would flow and I could not relax-- it did not matter who was handling her or how competent they are. My sense of responsibility kept me from relaxing and I didn't even know it. As the help from everyone started to trickle off I got even better. Being faced with Hannah by myself was the very best therapy!! I started to gain confidence and started to feel like her Mom and not just "the booby person". Now I am fine with family watching her and can relax and I am so appreciative for all they do and all they did because I could not do it alone...but being allowed to learn how to take care of her by myself was the very best thing.

Eric is amazing with her and she gets so excited when he comes home from work!! As soon as she hears his voice she looks for him and when they see each other Hannah starts kicking and flailing her arms and panting and smiling at him. They've had a strong bond from the moment she was born. I am so grateful for Eric that he is such an amazing father. I, myself, did not have the greatest father figure so I really appreciate how blessed Hannah is to have him. I hope to teach her that she should be grateful and appreciative to God that she can have a real Dad in her life to fulfill his obligations and teach her what a man is supposed to be. Two parents is a great gift that I wish more children had. It makes me sad to think of all the little one's without both parents to balance out the childhood and life lessons along the way.

A question: Why am I so blessed to have a family like Eric and Hannah?

The answer: God's Grace!! Because I don't deserve them, but He saw fit for me to have these blessings. And God always has a plan.

When Hannah was about 2 1/2 week old I started to suspect she was colicky. I was a very colicky baby and was nervous from day one of my pregnancy that I would get a baby just like me. Well guess what? I did. LOL. Hannah's digestive problems started with her being very hard to burp, she would get very gassy and uncomfortable. I knew we were in for it and immediately started on the internet to see what I might be able to do to keep the colic at bay. Colic is diagnosed from the symptoms of hours of crying and obvious cramping, and gassiness. One of her most dramatic symptoms was she’d get really hungry but when she’d start eating she would literally fight eating. She would thrash around kicking and scratching me and could not keep a latch. It was so awful; she seemed in so much pain as soon as the breast milk would hit her system. Hannah has only a few nights of the crying but her abdominal cramping, constant diarrhea, restlessness and gas were terrible and kept her from sleeping. And kept Eric and I from sleeping too. I took her to the Doctor several times, finally her Dr. prescribed Zantac to help with stomach acid (or rather reflux). I don't know if it really helps or not. I also started giving her a homeopathic “Gripe water” that is supposed to soothe the tummy. I stopped giving it after about 5 weeks cause it did not seem to help at all—but it did get rid of hiccups nicely so it does have a purpose.

Hannah’s problems started to get really, really bad and her Doc told me that her problems might be allergies to some foods I eat. So I went on an ‘elimination diet’ and stop eating soy or dairy. So I did and it did seem to lessen the problems a very small amount, but it was hard to find food without those things in them!! I did the diet the very best I could and she had some good days but mostly bad. I had some very bad days as well, because when your baby is sick, it affects you as well. I cried a lot, got very frustrated and angry at the circumstances at times. I felt like I could not take much longer, the nights without sleep and a baby that seemed to be in almost constant pain was very, very hard to deal with. I did a lot of internet research still and found out that there are some hypoallergenic formulas for babies that have allergies. I took Hannah in yet again and without me even suggesting it her Doctor told me that I might try them. I refused for a week more that then one day I just could not put her and I through it anymore and went out and bought some Alimentum formula.

What a difference it made!!! She’s been on it for a week now and she’s only had two bad days and is so much happier and is sleeping well. I can’t tell you how happy I am that she is no longer fighting eating like she used to, the poor thing.

This is long enough, I’ll write more soon.

I'm a Mom now, really.....

2008-03-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

So I have not posted anything for a long time, about over a month now. I guess that means I have no more audience for my blog...oh well maybe Kristie will be kind enough to comment.. :) Anyway as the title says: I'm a Mommy for real. I still think it has not sunk in yet. Or maybe it has and I'm just waiting to feel something different than I feel? Don't know.

I had my baby girl on February 10th at 7:08pm. I had one heck of a labor and delivery which I will enthrall all of you with now: My water broke while in the shower on the 9th at about 3pm. I was not sure if it was my water breaking at first. But after I got out and was toweling off every few minutes I gush of clear fluid came out and pretty soon I was walking around the house with a towel between my legs. I called Eric and told him I thought my water broke and I would call him back to come home when I knew for sure. He got a second call about 45 seconds later as right after I got off the phone with him I had a large gush and left a puddle on the floor. I knew then and he was on his way home. I was nervous and excited and lots of other feelings all at once. I felt like crying a few times but did not.

Eric got home and we were waiting for my contractions to start. But they were just the Braxton-Hicks I'd been having. I called my Mom and called the Dr. to see what she wants me to do. I was told to wait until after I ate dinner and then head on up to the hospital. So thats what we did. Still no contractions of note.... We arrived at the hospital at 8:30pm and waited and waited for labor to begin.... I walked the halls and visited with my family. Eric's Mom and Dad came and it was fun to have everyone there. Still no labor pains.... I started to realize that I might have to go on the dreaded Pitocin to move things along. After your water breaks they want to deliver the baby within 24 hours and it was now 8+ hours since my water was confirmed broken. I was getting nervous. Finally at 3am and after no sleep Eric and I decided to get the Pitocin because my Braxton-Hicks were not getting any stronger. I was told to get some sleep but I could not sleep at all!!

On and on they kept upping my Pitocin until I was getting about 17 an hour. It was working according to the monitors but I could not feel the contractions as anything much different than before. This went on and on for hours. Still not much progress was made.

I had them check my cervix at about 11:30am, and was found to be 3 cm. and still 70% effaced. Finally at about 12pm on the 10th I went to the bathroom for the umpteenth time. While reaching for the toilet paper I heard and felt two large 'pops' down low in my belly and felt a huge rush of fluid. My water re-broke!! Wow how crazy was that? (Come to find out later they think that Hannah broke my water high up so it was not really putting me into labor.) I said to my Mom and Eric, who were right outside the bathroom, "hey my water just broke again!" And within about 25 seconds I felt the first real, honest-to-goodness contraction. And let me tell you, this was no picnic. It lasted a long time and once it was over I was nervous as I could be. I told myself to relax just in time for the next one to come on. It hit me so hard that I could barely sit still and keep from moaning my head off. And then the next one hit harder than the other two. They were coming fast and hard with only about 45 seconds to one minute between. I was totally unprepared for the amount of pain. It's crazy painful. Eric and I realized that I had hit "transition" labor without the build-up contractions. In other words I went into the hardest part of labor without any time to learn how to deal with the pain.

I felt at times like I was going crazy with pain. I do not know how I dealt with them except for Eric being there with me. I cried for the first few minutes and then got myself together. I moaned, panted, grunted and over all made lots of noise. At one point I got on the labor ball but that was a no-go and did not help me at all. The rocking chair was the only place I could deal with the contractions. The contractions came in sets of three, the first one was bad, the second was horrible and the third on in the set was the "I'm going out of my mind" kind of pain. Then they would start over. Pretty soon I got so I could anticipate the less painful ones (less painful here is quite relative!! LOL). After about 45 minutes and watching my Mom and Sister crying watching me labor I asked for an epidural because I thought I had still hours and hours of this to go. So the Anaesthesiologist came in and placed the epidural and I was in so much pain...and then about 10 minutes later was still in the same pain. He was concerned about me a little and I was too....I knew somehow that I was going to be one of those people who have complications with it. And I was right!! He kept giving me dose after dose of the meds and I merely had one leg numbed and could pretty much feel everything still. He asked the nurse to check me as he said I might be farther along in my labor than they thought.

Now mind you...this was only about an hour after they checked me and I was 3cm. The nurse checked me again and to every one's surprise I was 9cm!!! No wonder my contractions were so intense!!! My epidural still was not working so he came back in and gave me a second kind of drug for it...still did not work. Back he came and talked me into letting him replace it. So I had a second one placed, meanwhile my IV stopped flowing and so I had to have that redone as well. The second Epidural was slightly more effective though patchy and I could still feel about 85% of my contractions.

At about 2pm I was checked again and declared "ready to push". So I started pushing on my left side. Hannah was way, way up there and I pushed like this for about a half hour with very slow progress. Then I pushed with my legs in the stirrups, still slow progress. They told me to take a break. So I did....for about 25 mins. Suddenly on my side I felt the "urge to push". It felt like I was going to throw up but the energy was forced down instead of up. Thats the best way I can describe it. It was very primal. So again I pushed on my side. Then on my back for a long time. After 2 hours of push with every contraction I told the nurse I "needed to stand up or something to get this going" so she got the squat-bar out and I made slightly faster progress. It felt much better to be squatting!! I pushed for so long I started to get discouraged and felt disappointed with myself, but the nurse kept telling me I was making progress it was just very slow. I was getting so tired.

They called my Dr. in at about 6:15 and I pushed and pushed some more. Finally I knew I was making progress because I started to feel Hannah's head pushing on my perineum. By this time what little help the epidural gave me had worn off completely so I indeed had my un-medicated birth. Ha! When Hannah was crowing I felt a sharp stinging pain and realized I was tearing and it scared me a little. But I had to get her out and finally after my biggest longest push her head was out. I remember opening my eyes and watching my family around my and taking note of their faces. I was a wonderful moment that I treasure. One more push and I delivered the rest of her without my Dr. having to deliver her shoulders on at a time. I felt every inch of her come out of me, it was a most surprising feeling.

They put her on my tummy and I just started sobbing and looking at Eric and he was crying too. I looked at her and she was so awake and alert and didn't hardly cry at all. She made immediate eye contact with me and I was touching her and holding her head and crying more. Eric and I had a moment that I will never forget. I looked at him and we touched each other face at the same time and were saying how much we love each other and he was thanking me for what I had done. It was incredible. Eric started talking to her and she turned her head at the sound of his voice. He cut her cord and took her in his arms and she smiled up at his face while he talked to her. I fell head over heels in love with them both at that moment. Thank you God for this time and our baby.

All the latest excitement!!

2008-01-29T22:00:00.000-08:00

My Mom is here visiting from Bothell. Eric and I drove around to get her on Sunday afternoon after Church. She's a great help around the house, we even made three batches of cookies last night. We made two oatmeal-cranberry and one batch of Coconut Macaroons, which I love. It's been really fun.

Today I had my nearly 38 week check up. I say 'nearly' because it's Thursday that I will officially be on my 38th week of pregnancy. Well I was hoping the doctor would check me for dilation and see if my cervix are changing at all. I asked the nurse and she said the Dr. does not usually check until the 39-40th weeks just because the women get really antsy and are depressed to find they are not dilated. So I didn't expect anything. The Dr. came in and was just doing the routine things and I told her Hannah has dropped really far and I've been feeling a lot of pressure on my pelvis. So she palpated me from the outside and seemed unsure of what she was feeling. She asked me "did I check you last time you were in?" I said, "no." Then she said I can't really tell what I am feeling here so maybe we should check and see. I was so excited I clapped my hands!! LOL.

So she did the internal exam and much to my surprise my cervix are 70% effaced (thinned) and the cervix have also moved down further. Also, not to my surprise but hers, that she could feel Hannah's head thru the thinned cervix. So Hannah is really far engaged into my pelvis!!! I am not dilated at all but really think I will have her very soon. Before the Dr. left she told me "See you in a week, if not much sooner!". Yay, whoo hooo!!

Right now my Mom and I are washing all the baby cloths and covers for the changing pad and the bassinet. I am getting so excited and Eric is also just so excited and hoping for his daughter very soon. I still don't think I'll be ready. I still need to clean the carpets, get the dresser set up, get our car seat, pack my hospital bag, clean the pantry.........

Continued from last night, plus new stuff from today....

2008-01-22T16:58:00.000-08:00

I stopped posting last night so Eric and I could have 'the talk' about our birthing plan. We came up with several questions to ask our Doctor and I was very satisfied with it.

Fast forward to today and we had our appt at 1:30pm. I have to say I just love our Dr. She is a gem and I will stay with her as long as possible. We brought our tablet with our list and she took all the time we needed to answer all our questions. She really put my mind at ease and Eric and I have decided to stay with Silverdale Harrison to labor and deliver our daughter. First off my Dr. is very respectful of our decision to attempt a fully non-medicated birth. She never makes us feel foolish and is exceptionally supportive, yet keeps it real too. We talked about the Pitocin after delivery and she told us she would respect our decision either way. But she also educated us on why they administer it and also about the dosing. I was thinking that the pitocin would be given over time and was in a drip, therefore I would be bed bound for several hours. But that is not the case. They give one small dose, thru the IV and then they take the IV out an hour later--so not really a big deal. She also talked to us about iron levels and told us the small amount of Pitocin helps keep the new Mom from being iron depleted from a long drawn out, or bloody labor. I think it's a good idea in the long run after talking with her about it.

We also talked about the staff at the hospital and how we should approach them with our wishes. Our Dr. said she has never heard of an issue with the staff being pushy or bossy with a patient unless the baby or mother was in real distress. She told us when we do go in and are admitted that we need to tell the first nurse that we are trying for a natural birth and don't want to be offered pain meds, explain how we are intending on dealing with pain thru movement. We don't have to have the IV drip unless I'm dehydrated (so you know that means I will be drinking water like a fish!!LOL). We can just have the IV catheter thingy in my arm in case I need something, but I do not have to be hooked up all the time. Also they have the monitors that can be carried around with us and even go into the tub!! so if I really need the monitor I do not have to just lie passively in bed to do it, I can walk around and use the birth ball or whatever I want. So really all my fears are relieved and I feel sooooo much better about it. :D

Ohhh!! Something exciting! Hannah has 'dropped' meaning she's in the first part of being engaged into my pelvis for birth. Over the last three days she teased me a few times and dropped but came back up. I was not quite sure of what she was doing, I was just thankful for the relief. But as of yesterday AM I have not felt her feet under my ribs at all and I know she is lower because the rib pain is now traded in for pelvic pain. Oh well....I think I'll just try and enjoy the absence of the rib pain as opposed to complaining about the new pain. Try and think positively. I mentioned this to my Dr. today and she felt above my pubic bone and agreed that Hannah was lower than before.

Dog stuff....

I did not go to training with Foenix this week and Eric and I are not sure if I will be back before the big event. I am getting really tired of trying to keep up with my old schedule and was told today at the Dr. to keep my feet up and rest up.

Foenix is doing well with training as you know, and I see no reason why I can't expect to pick up where we left off now. I know going back he will be rusty but that's OK with me. He has a good foundation and will be great.

I've had a lot of boarding recently and that is good for me because my business makes money for relatively little effort on my part. Feed, water, walk, play with the boarding dogs is all I do with them so not only is it easy but fun too. :)

Ahhhh!! I should not have waited this long to update the blog!!

2008-01-21T21:31:00.000-08:00

Because I have just so much to write about...come to think of it I might have to do two entries so they don't get too long and boring!!

First of all Baby Stuff....

Where do I begin? Since last time I posted we had our Church Baby Shower. It was so fun and so touching how many people were there to support the family and our new addition. Wow God is so Good to provide Eric and I with so many people who really care for us. Now I just need to get my butt in gear and get my Thank-You cards out to everyone.

The shower was big and we got so many gifts. Lots and lots of clothes, mostly for older babies 6-12 months which I appreciated because I already have a lot of newborn clothes. We got all our baby bedding with all of the matching room accessories. I love the set we picked out it's so pretty without being all Pink. I am not a pink hater- but it does get over done when the whole room is pink, pink and more pink. Another gift we got a lot of was blankets. The Deaconesses gift to us was a beautiful quilt made in Hannah's room colors of blues and yellows. It it sooooo pretty!! We got diapers, wipes, an infant bath chair, hair things, shoes, socks, and lots of other things I can't remember without going and looking at them. I was just such a surprise that we had about 35 women there to share in the fun.

We played two games, one of which got a lot of eye rolling from some of the ladies. LOL!! They had to use a straw, and only a straw and pass a pacifier to the end of the group. It was funny to watch but most were not really into it very much. I didn't blame them and opted out of the games. The other game was fun!! Everyone got a clothes pin and the group was forbidden to use the word "she" in any conversation. Needless to say some were better than others and the one with the most pins at the end of the shower won. It was a perfect game to keep going while I opened all my gifts because I had so many that they entertained themselves by chatting and seeing who would be next to lose their clothes pin.

Since my last post Eric and I have done a lot of discussing our birthing plan. One thing that made me much more confident was my M-I-L's best friend Celeste told Eric and I her daughter and Son-in-Law had their baby natural. Celeste was a great help in answering some of our questions and really put me at ease. I think that we will stay with our plan to have Hannah in Silverdale but we will just be very adamant about our plan and not let them pressure us. Eric has really surprised me with how much he is willing to 'go to bat' for our wishes and I'm sure he will be my first line of defence with any pushy doctors or nurses.

Tonight after I'm done here we are going to write up our plan and talk with my Dr. about it. We will know how much support we can expect tomorrow. I really like my Dr. and feel she will sign off of what we are requesting. After all we are only wanting to be able to have a natural birth, but in the long run we will do whatever it takes to keep our daughter safe. We are not asking for anything unusual...just some patience and understanding. That is all.

OK I need to go now, but I will post more later.....

Feeling stressed today...

2008-01-15T16:44:00.000-08:00

Today is the day of my baby shower. Earlier today we also had a Dr. appointment were I was swabbed for the Strep B test. That was the easiest moment I've ever had with my feet in the stirrups!! Took about three seconds and then I was done. Loved it. Then Eric and I had lunch and then it was time for our "Stork Express" tour were we go into the hospital and pre-register for the labor and delivery.

My sister who swore up and down that she was going to come to my Shower called this morning and told left a message on the machine saying that she will not be attending the shower after all. Now this is par for the course with my family sometimes, unfortunately. I would not have thought much of it except that she was the one who said she "would not miss it". So I was really excited she was coming as she does not get over to our area much. So I am pretty disappointed by it.

When we went to our Stork Express appointment I was so excited to see the delivery suits and hear all about the hospital. But it turned out to be very stressful for me and I did not enjoy it at all. I was told about all these archaic policies about labor that they have and I was not too happy to hear about them. I really wanted a labor where I could move around and be in a natural position for birthing Hannah, but it seems some of the Doctors will make you be in stirrups and you don't get a say in what position you are in. Top that off with the 'mandatory' pitocin after you deliver to get the uterus back to normal and I was in knots by the time we left. When I started asking questions to the Labor and Delivery Nurse, who was in charge of our intake, could see I was concerned about all the crap they have as policy and she just plain told me that this hospital has "more of a Medical Model for childbirth." I said "yes I can see that". So I will have to write down all my concerns I have and speak with my Dr. about it and if they will not be flexible with policy Eric and I decided we will go to the next closest hospital that does not have so many of these 'policies'.

Eric did make me feel better though because in the end we have say on what we will or will not take and they cannot force anything on us. But the truth is I'd rather have a hospital staff that will work with me and not against me, because that will just make me more nervous and can make labor harder and longer if you cannot relax, at least be as relaxed as possible considering the fact that you are in labor. So right now I have to process all of it and I will be ok. I'm still a little too emotional over it and by tomorrow I will be much more calm. Eric and I are going to go over the concerns we have and talk to our Dr. next week and decide where to go with it then.

One kinda exciting thing is that I've had some bloody mucus and I think that means my cervix are changing. So who knows what will happen....

More baby stuff

2008-01-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

Well I am getting ready for my baby showers. We are having a 'church' baby shower coming up on Tuesday night. I'm very, very excited!! Tuesday will be a very busy day for Eric and I. We have a Dr. appointment for Hannah in the morning, then in the afternoon we will go to take a tour of the hospital women's wing where our daughter will be born and we are also pre-registering for the birth day. Then the shower that evening. Wow so many positive things going on in one day!! :) One sad note about my baby showers is that my sister-in-law, Kristie, will not be attending. Kristie lives in New Zealand with her husband Scott. They got married this spring and I miss Kristie a lot. So she will be missed, maybe I'll send her a piece of cake? How about it Kristie, would you like me to? Ha ha.

Next will come my side of the family's baby shower thrown by my sister Lori. I am excited about that one too because I will get to see some people I don't get to see very often-- and it will be so much fun as well. My Mom will not be attending my church baby shower so she'll be there for this next one. I am sending the invitations myself for this shower just so my sister has a little less to do as I have most of the addresses with me anyway. I just got them filled out tonight as we were watching E.R., one of my favorite shows. It's funny how I can just listen to the show and not need to watch it...I think I do that a lot because I will recognize some commercials on TV only by sound and when I actually see them I am surprised it's all new except the dialog.

I continue to be uncomfortable, but I'm still ok. You know...it's not horrible. We got a phone call this evening from one lady we know from church and she was asking how to spell Hannah's name. She was on speaker phone so I could hear her and she asked Eric how I was and he said I'm fine but getting uncomfortable. She said that she enjoyed her pregnancy but some women don't. Well it's not that I don't like being pregnant, but I don't like being uncomfortable. Why does the fact I'm uncomfortable say I don't like being pregnant? I think that most women forget how uncomfortable they are and just remember the fun of pregnancy. I will too probably. I hope I forget what labor is like or I may not want any more kids after Hannah.

By the way. I am officially going to try and have a non-medicated birth. I do not want an epidural or anything else. I want to be able to move about my room and lean on Eric to coach me and my Mother to know how to coach Eric too. Now don't get me wrong!! I am not against drugs for labor, and I am leaving the option open for them. But, if possible, I won't use them. Just a choice I'm free to make on my own. I also do not want to be in bed for the delivery either or at least on my back-- I won't lay on my back to deliver her at all. I'll be on my side, standing, squatting or in a sitting up position. I've read a lot on this and even talked to my OB-GYN about it and she tells me that I can pretty much do what I want as long as I'm not hooked up to an epidural line or something like that.

I've been obsessively watching birthing vids on Youtube and I think I like what I see in the non-medicated births. Also I am not making these types of decisions without lots of thought and I've even been with two of my sisters as they gave birth and both had epidurals. So it's not like I don't' know what they are or how they applied.

I've been really moody the last few days. It seems like I can be in a great mood on minute and then for some reason I am feeling stressed or mad the next. No one has to do anything to me to change my mood either, it just kinda flows in and out. I don't know what to do except to pray when I'm feeling this way so I don't snap at everyone. I hope it passes soon.

Is Pregnancy fun?

2008-01-08T23:10:00.000-08:00

Well is it? Sometimes it is and sometimes it's not...at all...fun. I enjoy the experience, especially since its my first time. I enjoy other people being happy for us and for themselves, I enjoy feeling her movement (some of it anyway). But the truth is, at least for me, it's not a bowl of cherries. I was told I would feel like this. And really I don't think I hate if like some women have described to me. But I am not one of those women who will tell you they enjoyed every last minute of all of their pregnancies. I am not complaining here, just giving my honest observations. I am very blessed with this child and Eric knows that too.

A few things that I don't like: I don't like not being able to tie my own shoes without grunting involuntarily. I don't like that I cannot eat a regular sized meal, especially dinner, without feeling miserable for the next three hours. I don't like that I feel thirsty all the time and that I can't drink a large glass of water to relieve the thirst, a full glass of water gives me heartburn. I don't like that I will get heartburn from not eating as well as eating. I dont like it when Hannah grinds head or hands or ?? into my pelvis and catches my organs between her bony head and my bony hip. I don't like her new favorite position where her feet are jammed up underneath both sides of my ribs and no matter how I move she will not remove them until she is ready.

Ok maybe I am complaining a little and I shouldn't be. But being pregnant really, truly alters you body and it's not always pleasant. But all in all, still not as bad as I've heard it could be. For most of my day I am doing fine, cumbersome, but otherwise I can move pretty well. I don't waddle, LOL, at least I don't waddle!! It's just after a lot of activity or later in the evening I get really uncomfortable. I'm having braxton hicks so often I don't even notice them most of the time. I am getting used to the feeling.

I still have 5 weeks to go, give or take two weeks. So she could be here as early as February 1st or as late as February 22-- but at least no later as my OB-GYN does not let you go more than 1 week past your due date. :) I think I will be very ready for her to be here by the time I go thru this for more than a couple more weeks.

Warning: if you don't want intimate details about pregnancy dont read the next paragraph!!

Here is my favorite (NOT!! read this dripping with sarcasm) new thing I'm supposed to be doing in preparation for my daughter. I am supposed to be, drum roll please!, Toughening My Nipples to prepare them for breastfeeding!! Whooo HOOO, boy is this fun! How is this done you ask? My Dr. casually told me last week that I am to be using a rough washcloth and rubbing them in the shower, then she told me I was supposed to "pull on them". What?? Come again Doctor? Ewwww gross..and ouch painful. I already have an issue with the colostrum leaking from me once a day, I find it very disturbing. But now I have to abuse that area as well? Ok if you say so..... So I started today in the shower, got my washcloth and did the deed, twice because it I found it was not as bad as I thought it would be. So after my second go-round with the washcloth I was done with the shower, got out, toweled off and was doing my normal after shower routine. All of the sudden my boobs started to ache sharply from the nipples to my shoulders. Shooting pains too. I was not happy. I think I over did it a bit. After about 10 minutes it started to die down to a dull ache and I was able to get my bra on. This lasted a total of about 30 minutes. Lesson learned, don't do more than you have to with this!! If the first time you try it and you find it's not as bad as you thought, don't try and speed up the process by doing more-- you will pay for it!! LOL, haha.

Thus concludes the graphic portion of my post...

I am happy to report that my dog boarding is really picking up, we really need the money right now. Today two dogs went home just in time for two new dogs to come in. The new dogs are nice and I like them, but they are pretty stressed from being here. Poor doggies, I feel bad that they are stressed, but they will get over it and relax. Training of Foenix didn't happen today due to snow, and also truth be told, because I didn't feel like doing it. It's getting really hard to keep up with him now.

Tonight my good friend Jen came to give Eric some relief from his Sciatica. Jen is an LMP and just move closer to us so she came and gave Eric a free therapy message. In turn I gave her gas money and made us a nice dinner. I really enjoyed having Jen over and catching up with her. I also liked that she told Eric the do's and don'ts of healing from this, most of which I've been telling him all along--but it's better coming from her. Jen will come over again on Thursday and do another message, I hope this gets my poor Hubby better faster. Thanks a bunch Jen!!

That's all for now....

Cat Vomit

2008-01-04T17:36:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I left this out of the other post. I have to tell you about my cats last night. We usually feed our cats twice a day with dry food. Occasionally we do buy Fancy Feast for them in the small cans and it's treat to them when I give it. So last night I go and give them each a can and they eat it with gusto. Neither of my cats have sensitive stomachs, right? So how do I explain the following??

..I come out of the bathroom, Eric is in the computer room. Foenix comes walking down the hall licking is lips like he's just had something wonderful to eat. Red Flag! So I start looking for what he could have eaten, no food on the counters, check! no poop in the litter boxes, check! garbage can in the cupboard, check! So what was it? I walked into the living room to find next to our coffee table a large splash of orange partially digested canned cat food mess on the floor. Now let me tell you I've never seen anything like this. It literally looked like someone splashed orange chunky paint across an area about two feet by one foot. I just stood there staring at it contemplating how the vomit could have come out of my cat like this. I called Eric and he asked "what is it?" "it's cat food', I said. He just looked at me with the same contemplation on his face. I didn't know cats could have projectile vomit-- now I know better. Thanks a lot for the information, I really needed it.

It looked like the cat was squeezed and popped like a water balloon after eating the food. Eric had pity on me and volunteered to clean it (a minor miracle in itself). But I told him I would do it because he was in the middle of setting up the computer. But this mess cannot be cleaned up with paper towels so I scraped it up the best I could, put an up-side-down clothes basket on it and told Eric that we need to get a carpet cleaner. And today still sits the clothes basket next to the coffee table awaiting that carpet cleaner. The mess is better than it was but I cannot clean it out of where it soaked in to the carpet. Have I mentioned I love my cats? No? Well I'm not about to mention it now either.

Just stuff...

2008-01-04T16:01:00.000-08:00

I am so excited about my baby showers coming up. The church is having one for us on the 15th, then my sister Lori and her friend, Lori are going to plan one together for next month. After thinking about showers for the last few days I've realized what terrible timing Hannah has. How dare she get conceived when she did and the nerve of having a due date so soon after the Holidays!! Ha Ha just joking of course. But really the timing could have been better....but now that I think about it...didn't I say in a previous post that God's timing is always perfect? So yeah I have to remind myself of that at times. :)

We've registered at Babies R Us and I am going down to Gig Harbor to register at Target as well. I have a bad cold so I've not been doing much of anything the last few days. I was supposed to have gone to Target three days ago, but just have not had the energy to do so. Babies R Us is pretty spendy on somethings, but when you look at most of the items they sell I can chalk it up to shopping at Safeway versus Fred Meyer. Both are good grocery stores but Safeway has lower prices and sacrifices selection for it. Fred Meyer has slightly higher prices but the selection is far better and I end up saving time because I usually only have one place to shop. It was so much fun doing our registry, Eric and I went together. Eric is a good shopper, far better than I (except for grocery shopping, he can never stay in a budget there). I always have fun with my husband, I think that's why I don't feel like we could have possibly known each other for 6 years!!! The time has flown by so fast. We are always laughing and at each other so it keeps things light and fun. Eric says that we could be rich selling the funny things we come up with together, I don't know that anyone else would thing they are funny but it's a nice thought.

I have a cold right now. It's not really that bad over all but I was kept up till almost 5 am the other night coughing. So I've not been to my part time job for a couple days now and feel bad about it, I have missing work. But I dont want to pass the virus around so home is where I stayed. Being sick and pregnant is much more of a pain-in-the-neck than just plain being sick. I have to call my Dr. office to ask what is safe to take then wait for a call back. Then hear a lecture from the consulting nurse on why I have not gone to see the Dr. since the cough was so bad. Well its is only a cough I told her. But she told me that if the cough stays that bad or gets worse that I am to go see my regular practitioner. But thank goodness it seems to be moving along it's course and I'm sure I'll be fine in a couple more days.

Eric's back seems to be doing much better the last few days. Hes stayed off our couch and that is making a big difference. I called on of my friends who is a LMP to come and do some therapy messages for him but she has not called me back....have to call her again.

I guess that's all the rambling I can thing of for now...

Our New Year so far...

2008-01-01T22:53:00.000-08:00

Today we got up in time to go train at the Club. We got there about 11AM hoping the snow would have started to melt off the field. No such luck. It was cold but at least it was dry, which is more important to me. I don't mind the snow at all, but all the ice was hard to walk on and everyone was "lending a hand" to me so I would not fall and injure Hannah. Yeah, no one wanted the baby harmed. But I'm finding it's ok it I am bumped about, just don't hurt the baby. LOL. Really just being sarcastic. I'm sure it's just a taste to come....I don't know of one Mother who doesn't feel the spot light blink off of them as soon as the baby is born. I know of at least one Mother who was really bothered by this at first. But as with most things God has a plan even there because you eventually get to the point that you love to have someone else take the kid, and you get some peace when needed. :)

Training went well, though the teenager/brat reared his ugly head and I was frustrated. His heeling, which has always been above average was truly terrible. Ask Foenix for some eye contact and he didn't seem to know what I wanted. Sit? What's that? Down? Ok I can do that, then go into a sit before you ask. The session ended really well and I was proud of him for his awesome bitework-- he really needed the good workout. I have to remind my self of my Teenager Rules and remember that this too shall pass. But, God, if you want to...can you make it pass quickly?? :)

I need to work more on his focus and also his sensitivity to everything. He's just a little raw nerved right now and I hope he gets back to his more normal self soon. I can handle the lack of focus in training, but it's hard to see him so worried about normal things. I know he'll either get used to it or just one day he'll be less insecure and more tough--but how tough is the question? I want him to be a strong dog but I don't want a dog that challenges me all the way, so I will be watching and making sure our relationship stays with me in the driver's seat and he knows there is no chance of that changing. Especially with the baby coming I need to remind him a lot that Eric and I are the final answer.

Baby stuff....

Woe to me. My stretch marks are getting worse everyday suddenly. They itch and are so ugly. I'll never wear a bikini again. Not that I've worn one recently, but you know...you always dream of wearing one again. And when I tell people this they tell me that it is worth it. Hmmmm...I will leave comment of that for later. I was at a training appointment with a client the other day and my shirt crept up a few times, not far, but over my belly a little. I know my stretch marks were visible and I was mortified when I realized it. But you know what? My lovely husband does not seem to be turned off by them in the least. Yeah they don't look great to him, but he just reminds me it's part of becoming a Mother and he takes it in typical stride. He's wonderful and has never made me feel bad about the way I look. I wish more men were like him because women as a whole would have a much better opinion of Men if they were more like my husband. I don't deserve him, but I'll take the gift and not look him in the mouth!!

I'm either getting sick or just have a chest cold. It has not decided yet what to do with me. I woke up with check congestion and not feeling well. Thru the day it's gotten worse, but not really bad. No fever, no diarrhea or anything like that. So I pray it does not get much worse because I cannot take much medicine for it being pregnant. Geez I'm not even supposed to drink caffinated beverages let alone a flu/cold medicine. But she's worth it. :D

Hannah is still moving a lot, very strongly. She woke me up this morning with a few good kicks. I found myself smiling when I woke up.

Eric's back...

It's slowly getting better. No chiropractor today because it was closed. He's regularly stretching because that helps better than anything. But if I was the one to tell him that he would not do it. So I'm glad I also kept my mouth shut when it came to him sitting like a slouch on our couch. The chiropractor asked him about it last week. Eric came home telling me he needed to stop sitting like that on the couch and that he needed to be stretching and sitting with better posture. Really?? Wow Eric, whooda thought that would help? He heee.

2008-01-01T00:44:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!! :)

Teenage Dog, other stuff too

2007-12-30T21:19:00.000-08:00

My baby dog is growing up! And all the sudden I'm noticing it in a big way. Last night we had "Fight Night" at our house where we order a Pay-Per-View of UFC Championship. We've hosted it a couple times and I have fun because I get to entertain several people and cook for them. I've made my home made chili the last two times and it's a hit. But anyway I digress....

Foenix is now almost 14 months old and starting to test me and he's trying to find his fit in to our lives as an adult dog. This is a hard time for both the dog and owners and the most common ages for dogs I get in my training business (around 12-16 months of age is average.). This is due to changing dynamics in the pack. The dog is maturing, but not yet fully trained, tests training/manners boundaries and if so compelled the dog will try and move up rank in the home and with guests. A young dog, just like a young adult human is very unsure of himself, and yet strives to change without the complete set of 'tools' they will need at this time. They will try and make things happen even if it's unwise timing.

Foenix is testing Eric and I a little bit. It could be worse and we are dealing with it well, its just small things at this point, like marking in the dog room. So I've taken back some of his freedom in the house and implemented a leash-drag to give us more control of him. Sounds like a lot but really it's average things we are doing. Foenix is a secure dog who is pretty sure of his place and well trained and that makes so much difference at this time of his life.

Back to last night.... Well one guy we had here watching the fights on TV was a person we've known for a long time and Foenix has met him several times. I had Foenix in his crate most of the night because I was cooking and stuff. So when he came out I gave him his beloved bucket to play with. He loves to "kill" buckets and he will really tire himself out playing. I love it because he will keep himself occupied and give me some space. Anyway Foenix had his bucket and this man came over and started rubbing Foenix on his back and ears. And my pup decided he didn't like that and growled a very obvious warning to our guest. He looked so scary!! He was lip-licking (a clear sign intent) and he froze over the bucket (another clear sign of aggression, even without the growl) and his pupils blew up huge and his eyes glittered green!! (again a clear sign of agitation).

And you know what the guy did? He continued to pet and rub my dog without acknowledging the clear warning!!! I stayed where I was and had to yell at the guy to get away from the dog three times before he looked up at me and stepped away. Let me tell you I was so proud of Foenix for his control and not biting this guy. Foenix was actually very appropriate and his reaction was very good. He showed excellent restraint in the situation. However I will never put him into that position again because I cannot risk my dog for the stupidity of a person!! Foenix will play ball or tug with anyone, but now I know that he will guard his toys from people and I will work on him with that to make sure it does not get out of control. With Eric and I Foenix never guards things, he will allow us to take anything from him, even food items. But with others I would never alow this to happen and I won't make this mistake again.

Rules for Teenage Dog.... and Teenage People!!

1. Define rules and boundaries clearly -- Black and White!
2. Keep consistent expectations!
3. Practice manners and reward good behavior!
4. Keep consequences fair and just, but also swift and to the point!
5. Give them lots of good things to do, otherwise they will find plenty of bad things to do!
6. Be patient, losing one's patience makes you seem weak and therefore ineffective!
7. Spend time with them, even whey they'd rather be doing something else!
8. Make things fun and upbeat no matter how much you'd rather go hide!
9. Remind yourself that this to shall pass...
10. Don't forget they are not quite adults yet, therefor still in need of your constant guidance!

Some other stuff...

We have only about six more weeks to go before Hannah is due :) I'm looking forward to her being on the outside cause she is getting too big for the inside, LOL. I'm tired lately and feeling ready to be done with this, I feel as big as a house. Yet people tell me I'm carring her small, that's nice to hear. Her room is not even close to being started let alone finished so Eric and I have a lot to be doing in the next month.

Ok I'm done for now.....

My Christmas and Other Stuff

2007-12-27T19:26:00.000-08:00

I really need to start blogging more often. But my excuse is that this Christmas has been the busiest, craziest one ever. I mean E-V-E-R!! I don't really care to analyze why, but it just has been. Even Eric seems to think it was unusual, and he isn't even carrying a bunch of extra weight strapped to his abdomen!! he he.

I hope everyone out there had a very good and safe Christmas. I know we did. This year it was our turn to go to my side of the family. I love Christmas with Eric's family too. We have very similar traditions. The thing I will say is that my family tends to take far fewer pictures, thus far fewer embarrassing pictures of me eating or talking with a stupid expression on my face. LOL!! And believe me! I don't want my picture taken right now. But, all joking aside, I do love each and every holiday with the In-Laws, they are always special to me.

We spend Christmas Eve dinner at my sister, Lori's, house with her family. Her husband Tom, three daughters, Tierra 17, Jeanie 16, and Kaila 9. I'm very close with all my sisters, all 4 of them. And I have a total of 13 nieces and nephews!! So we had a wonderful dinner of prime rib, and all the trimmings. It was delicious, but alas I cannot eat very much and even though I tried to go lite when dishing up my meal I ended up with half of it left...which Eric promptly noticed and took over. :)

Then we went back to my Mom's house and spent the night there with my Mom, Dad, and sister Jackie. Jackie is my oldest sister. She went and got her daughter from Seattle where she lives with her dad. So my niece Sydney came over on Christmas morning and opened all her gifts and went out to find her girlfriends in the neighborhood to play. They Eric and I went back up to my sister, Lori's place and stayed the night there. It was fun and we even enjoyed a White Christmas, but no accumulation. The snow melted right away, but it was fun to watch!!

We got back home yesterday evening. The dogs went with us if you are wondering. Foenix got to play with Lori's 7 month old Rotti girl, Zoey. Zoey is a nice pup, but needs lots of training. Lori's husband, Tom is considering sending Zoey to my house for a couple weeks of training. The thing is I'm not sure how much good that would do as it's really training the owners and not the dog that counts. Zoey is smart and typical of a Rotti- somewhat sensitive, but likes to be in charge. Zoey has the best "selective hearing" I've ever seen on such a young dog. But really she's a pumpkin of a baby and very sweet. For what training she has she does well with.

Foenix usually overwhelms other dogs with his energy level, so I was careful of how he and Zoey played. Once Zoey found out that he was a good wrestler she was very happy to rough house with him and they had an awesome time. I think Zoey is the first dog that Foenix has ever played so fair with and had such a good time. I'm glad to see he has a compatible play partner now....and I have to honest when I say I was also happy that he tired himself out with her so I didn't have to do it. Lately I just don't have the stamina to keep him occupied and exercised properly. But we do the best we can and he gets regular training.

I could write more but I'm too tired and need to get some housework done.

My Reason for this Blog -- Bite Prevention and Training

2007-12-20T15:08:00.000-08:00

I just got a comment from an non-family member, which was a pleasant surprise :) I was not sure who, if anyone, other than my family ever reads this. So it got me thinking again about why I started this blog and I'd like to outline my reasons.

First of all I wanted to have an on-going diary of my pregnancy, and now soon to come, my daughter. But my bigger goal was to show people how dogs and children can interact in a home or public in a safe manner. If you care to look at dog bite statistics it is startling how many children are bitten by dogs each year. And even more surprisingly the majority of those bites come from in the home. The family dog is most responsible for bites and attacks on kids. It is all too sad and, in fact, a very preventable problem. What gets to me so much is how this problem is on the rise, not decline. Why is this happening?? So I would like to chronicle the training of all my 3 dogs to be with my children, the ups and downs of this new chapter in all our lives.

As I've explained in my first post, I have three dogs. One Rat Terrier/Basenji mix dog, Buddy, of 18.5 years old, one 6 year old Papillon Zeke (who is slightly spoiled rotten) and one year old Working German Shepherd dog, Foenix. I also mentioned the French Ringsport training I've been doing with him. This training involves teaching the dog to bite a decoy. This is where I would like to dispel some myths regarding canine aggression and having a dog in the home that is taught when and where to bite. Most pet dogs are taught the opposite things -- Do Not Bite People!! And yet I have Foenix, a dog being taught to bite, in my house living as a member of my family, just as my two other dogs do. Is this safe? I will not answer that right now, but hopefully allow anyone caring to read my blog come to their own conclusions.

Part of the equation for a safe child and dog friendly home is the training both the children and dogs get. Another large part of it is the base, natural temperament of the dog. I'm sorry to say that many so-called "child friendly" dogs are really not that friendly, they only tolerate the attention from the little ones. Unfortunately the people watching the interactions are all to ignorant of what is really going on in the dog's mind. And when the dog has been pushed too far and the adults back is turned, even for just a second, terrible things happen. Often resulting in a dogs death and sometimes reconstructive surgery for the child.

On another topic.....

Eric has been going to the chiropractor for a couple weeks now and he's doing somewhat better. The sciatica he's having just needs time to work its self out in a way. Poor Eric is praying for it to be over soon-- it's almost been a month since he's been normal. We are all getting weary of the problem!!

And one more topic change....

I went in for my obstetrician check up yesterday!! Everything is looking good, we have now picked out Hannah's pediatrician and are on the books for our pre-registration at the hospital and tour of the birthing suits. We also picked out which class we are going to. We chose the 8 hour one-time class due to our unpredictable schedules. I'm very excited!! :D

Updates

2007-12-15T22:43:00.000-08:00

Foenix is starting another bout of Pano as of two days ago. Its affecting his right hind leg, it's very painful at times. He won't put weight on it at all for at least part of the day. For some information on this condition check this out: Pano Information
He's not had any pain for about three weeks so it was time for him to get it again. This time the onset of pain was more rapid than before. One time recently it took a week for the pain to get bad enough that he quit putting weight on the leg. I'm hoping that this bout will pass and he'll be ok for training on Tuesday. Well even if he's still having some trouble we are still going to training for more than one reason. He needs the outlet and I need to go to the club and talk with them a little more. I am contemplating printing out a copy of the conformation email I sent them....still am unsure about that.

Hannah is doing will, lots of kicking and she seems to keep very low in my pelvis all the time. When we had our first ultrasound at 18 weeks she was in the classic head-down position and I was surprised to see that. The Tech told me some babies spend most of the pregnancy in this ready-set-birth position. I've read a lot about birthing, babies and pregnancy lately. It seems most first time mothers get to this place in the pregnancy call "Lightening" where the baby will drop into the pelvis in the birthing position. I've read that this causes eases the breathing and Shortness of Breath and heartburn that horrifies us in the latter weeks (months). But it seems my little over-achiever and stays in that spot most of the time. I did have about two weeks of very bad heartburn but that seems to have passed (knock on wood). But what I do have is lots of trips to the potty with little 'return' for my efforts. I probably go about 15 times a day and usually a couple times a night. And this is not from a UTI or anything like that, just my little darlings' head crushing my pelvic floor and bladder. Lucky me, LOL :)

My stretch marks are getting worse :( but they could be a lot worse than they are so I guess I won't complain too much. I use the Palmers Coco Butter stuff but I truly doubt it does any good. But I like it cause it smells good and feels good rubbing it on. I also put it elsewhere and it does a great job with any chapped skin.

Ok so I'm about to get pretty graphic with some thing....so skip this next paragraph if you think might not want to know certain things about my pregnancy.

I mentioned in an earlier post about no leaking from my mammaries. Well I can say now that I know what colostrum looks like!! The other night I started leaking slightly and I was totally grossed out by it. I mean, I've seen horses, goats, dogs, cats, rats, mice, even other mother's do it. But ME? Oh yuck. I can't really say why it bothers me other than it just seems totally animalistic and strange. I look forward to nursing Hannah and will continue to do so as long as I can, maybe even up to one year, but for some reason I was taken back by the leakage. It was embarrassing. But I will tell you, as strange as it was, I now look for it all the time and am also fascinated by what my body is doing without my consent. Hmmm...I'm still getting used to the idea that apart from the conception I really have no part in this pregnancy. I am merely the vessel. It happens with or without my consent. I have no control over it. But I'm glad cause if it were up to me to make my daughter she would be surly be missing some body parts or something because I really could not put the time into planning a healthy child. Thank you God for that!!!

Ok end of 'personal time' and you can read beyond this if you wish....

Note to self..go pick up more prenatal vitamins..

Eric is doing well at work. Today he had a visit were the Auto Center Regional Manager was there watching and observing for the day. It stressed Eric a little, but I know he did a good job. I'm proud of my husband for the hard work he puts into his job even though it is not what he'd like to be doing. Love you honey!! Thanks for hanging in there for us.

Obviously I'm running out of things to say, so I'll end here. Good night! :)

Had a Strange Day!!

2007-12-11T22:22:00.000-08:00

I'll start at the beginning. That's logical right? I have to ask the question because today was so strange and such a roller coaster I need to ask. LOL :D

First thing at 8AM Eric and I were both up and getting ready to take Foenix to Ringsport Training. I was especially excited because we've not been for over a month due to finances, Foenix having Pano and altogether a really busy schedule!! On Thursday I got a call from the Training Director's wife she talked with Eric first actually, then I called her back. She was, as usual, very nice and was calling to check up and see how we were. I talked with her for a while and then I asked about Eric and I coming to train on Tuesday since we both had the day off. She asked her husband and I heard him say, "yes, but it needs to be early". So we decided that 10AM was the time and it was set....or was it??

I got off the phone and jokingly told Eric that I was not sure if they would remember the conversation, LOL. Such prophetic words...HA! I just had a feeling about it.

After thinking about it I emailed them the next day to confirm the appointment. Not expecting a reply because I've written lots to them without a reply, but they always seem to have gotten the email by the next time I see them. So fast forward to today and we get up to the club and no one is there. Hmmm...we honk, walk around their house and still nothing. So we leave. More about this later in the post.

One thing I did not mention is that on the way to the club we stopped off to get some Cliff Bars and I always get a small carton of milk to drink. It tasted funny to me right off, but I had brushed my teeth a few minutes before so I continued to drink the milk...big mistake!!! When I got down to about two swallows left I suddenly felt 'something' touch my lips and I pulled the carton away to see a big, slimy, gross, thing slap the side of the milk carton. I almost drank this stuff!! Oh-MY-Goodness I was instantly nauseous, Eric looked at me then the carton and didn't know what to do. I could not speak for fear of just puking all over the inside of his car. I finally got to tell him to pull over, and proceeded to empty my guts on to the Subaru dealership pavement. Right next to an Espresso stand-- so I had an audience. Ewww. So that was strike one of the day.

So we met my Mother-in-Law at the office as we were going into have an ultrasound. She was very excited to be there to see her granddaughter. :) Just before going in Eric got a call from the auto-repair shop that had our SUV (the transmission was going out) and the guy tells Eric that the job will cost us $3100.00!! That was above our highest estimate cost and was a shock. So I did what all pregnant women seem to do so well. I had a small emotional breakdown right there. Strike three. Am I out yet? Nope...

So the ultrasound was fun and we found out that my cervix are not dialating early as we thought. ( I had started to have contractions that felt real to me). We got to see our daughter, confirmed the sex. She's a she. We also got to see her feet, face and hands. They are so cute. As of today I'm 30 weeks and 6 days along, and Hannah weighs 3 lbs 10 oz. I could also see that she has my high cheek bones! Her face is pretty cute!! We got some pics of her foot and arms. What cute little feet she has. I'm in love. :sigh:

So after going back to shopping we decided to have dinner out. Then home bound we were. We let the dogs out and I was in the house getting things put away when I brought the dogs back in about 15 minutes later. First Buddy and Zeke came in then Foenix. He was carrying something in his mouth. It looked like a stuffed animal, but there were not stuffed animals in the back yard. Then I realized I just watched him bring in a wild bunny. We have several that live on and around our property. I followed Foenix in time to see him proudly spit it in the middle of the living room. The bunny was still alive, but barely. I burst into tears and started calling for Eric. He came inside with some firewood and was shocked to see the poor little bunny.

I put Foenix in his crate and then we got a laundry basked lined with a towel and Eric gently put the rabbit in it. It was clear that Foenix had shaken the little thing and broke it's back as the hind legs were immobile. It was clearly in shock and was not going to live. I was so sad and still am. I don't blame the dog, he was just doing what nature tells him to do. But I was attached to this bunny and family and was truly saddened by his fate. Strike four. Mr. Bunny died a short time later. :(

Well all in all the day was a roller coaster. I'm emotionally drained and tired. Going to be. Goodnight.

Long time not posting...

2007-12-05T22:18:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I was slacking off here a bit. I've been busy with lots of dog training, working and general holiday preparation.

First of all looks like Foenix's training is put on hold for a while. We don't have the money to be paying our training dues at the club. I don't feel really bad about it at all, but Foenix is really bored lately. He tries to be so good in the house but his energy level just can't handle the down time for very long.

You wanna know what he did today? Do the math: One Under Exercised Dog + Heavily rained on back yard + too much time in back yard = dog that digs crater next to house and comes to the door the color of a Chocolate Labrador instead of a Black Sable GSD. LOL!!!! OY Vey. I marched him to his crate, and let him partially dry off before marching him into the bath tub. One thing about our puppy is he is a water baby from the word GO! He would stay in the bath for as long as I wanted him to just to jump back in after he is dried off. Bathing was no big deal to him and I'm just thankful that he is not a dog I have to wrestle around. I just could not do that right now.

That is how my day started. Dog bath, my bath afterwards and cleaning muddy paw prints off my carpet. Eric has a pinched nerve in his back and it's giving him so much pain, today was his worst day since Thanksgiving. He could not stand up straight again and so he took his full dose of pain meds tonight. He is going to have to see the Chiropractor tomorrow or Friday at the latest.

My alternator went our in my car on Saturday of last week. Eric ordered the part and was fixed yesterday. It felt awful to be trapped at the house but I dealt with it. Makes me very aware of how I take my car for granted, kinda like when the power is out and you go into a room and try to turn the lights on.

My next thing this week was the big storm we had. Lots of flooding and road damage all over our area. We had a huge sink-hole now next to our local bowling alley. While the storm was brewing and I was trapped at the house I asked my Father-in-law to come and take me to the store so I could deposit my paycheck, mail a letter and get some dry kindling for our fire. He was such a gem and came over without hesitation. Have I mentioned how great my In-Laws are? Well if I have not, I should have because they are a blessing to me in so many ways. Now that I am writing this I am realising that I don't pray for or about them enough and will have to make a more conscious effort to do so. I hope they know how much I appreciate them.

I was having some braxton-hicks contractions a couple weeks ago. They suddenly stopped. If you don't know what those are here's link to tell you : Braxton Hicks Information
They are not painful, but they are very noticeable and I would get them, for instance, if I was vacuuming or doing a lot of bending over while cleaning or whatever. They are a normal part of an average pregnancy and are nothing to worry about. But when my Father-in-law took me to the store three days ago I started having some different kinds of contractions. They felt totally different. My belly would get hard and then seemed to relax but the contraction feeling did not go away. In fact this would last for up to three minutes at a time and go on and off for an hour. It was not painful, but uncomfortable. I was not about to panic as I had a Doctor's appt. scheduled for today. But I did have them again yesterday, same thing. It feels like I did a bunch of crunches really fast, that's how it feels when this is going on. My abs were really fatigued feeling. I know fatigued abs too, I used to do 300 crunches every night!!

Today at the doctor I told her about this 'thing' with contractions (?) going on and asked her what she thought. She was slightly concerned about it and ordered an ultrasound to check my cervix to make sure they are not thinning and dilating already. She was not overly concerned as this could just be stronger braxton-hicks but she wants to make sure I am not going into pre-term labor. I'm 30 weeks along now so if I did go into labor early Hannah would very likely be fine and healthy though pretty small. In the end this is nothing to panic about, I do have an ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday and we will see what, if anything, it shows. Honestly it sounds worse than it really is...I didn't have any of these contractions today at all. Maybe I was just worried about having no car or something? I don't know but I don't feel like this is a big deal, but it will be nice to have it checked out.

I am very anxious to meet my baby. This is new for me, even though I've been excited about it for a long time. I had a very vivid dream a few nights ago about her and I woke up laughing at myself. I dreamt that she was born walking and eating regular food and that she could communicate her needs to me without guess work on my part. Oh what a dream that is. Also she was really cute and I had lots of fun with her. I can easily pick out my anxieties about becoming a Mother by this dream. I seem to be worried about meeting her needs, her development and if she will be cute or not. (that makes me sound so shallow doesn't it). I swear I don't really care what she looks like as long as she is healthy...but my subconscious says differently.

Since that dream I have been very excited about meeting her and seeing who she is. I think this is a gift from God telling me to be excited and look forward to being a Mom. Eric is also excited, but to a lesser degree. Naturally he does not have the same feelings about this as I do because he cant feel her move around constantly and doesn't have the dreams I've had. It will probably hit him hard about the time she is with us for the first 24 hours. It makes me all emotional to think of Eric as a father because of my own up bringing. Already our child is blessed beyond measure to have Eric as a Father and my wonderful In-Laws and family to be a part of.

Does this sound familiar? And some other stuff too.

2007-11-26T00:16:00.000-08:00

Ok so I just had the conversation with my husband, Eric. As you know he's been down and out for the last few days because on Thanksgiving his back went out. He goes back to work tomorrow. Hes also been on meds for inflammation, pain and muscle spasms. In short he spends most of the day and all of the night sleeping, he gets very loopy and has funny dreams. These meds really affect him, but he needs them to heal.

So tonight he's talking about the long drive he has to make to Tacoma. I say to him, "since you are going out first thing in the morning I think you should only take one of your pain relievers."

He says, "yeah but I want to be able to sleep". Mind you this was at 10PM, only 9 hours before he has to be on the frosty roads, driving for the first time after his back went out several days ago. I was concerned!

I say, "I know you want to be able to sleep and I understand, but I also don't think you should take the maximum dose only 9 hours before you have to drive". And on and on our conversation went. I was getting irritated at his insistence that he would be fine and have no affect of the meds on his driving or staying awake.

He can be so stubborn. About an hour later he tells me he's getting into bed. Before he kisses me goodnight he tells me, "by the way I only took one pain reliever". And smiles at me. I love that man. LOL he's the best.

This is usually how our disagreements work. We rarely have a loud argument and we don't usually get very angry at one anther. With few exceptions we keep our arguments on topic and they get resolved fairly quickly. I had to learn to let things go sometimes, I tend to want something solved right NOW! and do not really give people space naturally. But this strategy works for us. He will do the same thing for me, he says what needs to be said and he leaves it at that....later we usually talk about it. Most of our really complex arguments took place the first three years we were together. I'm sure things will get more complex again as our child and family grows bigger.

One thing I really appreciate about Eric is that he is very stable in his temperament. I'm so glad he is because I've had so many unstable people in my life, especially growing up. Eric has taught me so much about relationships, he's the first person I've ever felt that truly loves me unconditionally. I now know what that feels like and I thank God for it. In turn my learning with Eric has made me a better person, with his love I was able to find out what true forgiveness feels like to give. I could not have done that without a lot of help from God and the influence that Eric has had in my life.

On another topic...

Hannah has found a new favorite place to kick me!! Oh goody, yeah she's kicking me in the hip socket. I actually don't know if that's exactly what's happening. But darn it, does it feel strange and I don't like it! She only does it to one side and only when I'm sitting with my feet up and leaning on the arm of the couch or 0n Eric. Tonight she did it and I cannot begin to say how weird it feels, not exactly painful, but you just don't expect to feel your joints touched from the inside.

Her movements have changed in that she kicks but it's more complex than just a kick. I can feel her whole body involved in the movements. She will now kick and punch at the same time, she also rolls while running some unknown appendage over the inside of my uterus. It's so cool that I can almost picture exactly what she is doing in there at times. She really responds to my position: if I'm in bed on my left side she will kick where my belly meets the bed and at the same time stretch out her arms and move them all over. If I'm sitting proper she will start kicking or punching right under my ribs or directly under my sternum. It's almost like she has a routine she has worked out depending on what I'm doing.

Thanksgiving Memories

2007-11-23T17:44:00.000-08:00

I can say with certainty that this Thanksgiving will always be remembered as "unique". You know, unique not as in "wow that's really cool" no. Unique as in "I can't think of another word that would not sound too negative. LOL.

In reality I did have a good time after arriving at my In-Laws home. The food was great, we had a good time visiting with one another and we watched the movie "Hair Spray" which, for a musical was really good. But before dinner was a whole other story. About an hour before Eric and I were to leave with the food and go have dinner with the IL's he was bending over to grab his sweater off the love seat. When out of the blue his back when totally out. He let out a little yelp and I came to see what was wrong. He said his back went out and tried to walk, but he ended up just a couple feet away on his hands and knees. I was worried, knowing Eric is pretty stoic about things like this. I told him to lie on the floor and I would put some Icy-Hot on his lower back to see if that would help. He tried to get up and move to the sofa, but he was in so much pain he could barely walk. The effort of if made him shake all over--I just wanted to cry.

So on the floor he stayed for about 45 minutes while I packed the car and tried to stay optimistic that he could still make it to dinner. Yeah Right!! Ha! I finally came out of La-la land and called my Father in Law and told him I was going to be late and what happened. I helped him to the couch, gave Eric plenty of knee support and also gave him some Hydrococone Acet plus a Flexaril (sp?). Within just about 20 mins he could not keep his eyes open and he drifted off to a painless sleep. Thank God we kept his meds from the last time he hurt his back!!

So off to Thanksgiving Dinner I went without my husband. It was fun and I really enjoyed dinner. The turkey was moist and very delicious, as were all the side dishes equally good. I was stuffed and satisfied. I called Eric frequently and even went back to the house to get something I forgot and heated him ups some dinner: chilli and a jello fruit cup plus a glass of milk. I was not turkey and stuffing and I felt so bad having to give him chilli. :sigh: Oh well it was the best I could do at the time.

My MIL gave us a generous amount of leftovers and that night I heated Eric up a proper Thanksgiving feast and enjoyed watching him savor it. By that time his back had gotten slightly better and he was able to go to the bathroom unassisted. :)

Today we spent most of the day at the ER because he needed more meds. Not to mention that his boss was a total jerk and didn't believe Eric that he was hurt. I will say no more about this as my blood boils every time I think of his snide comments!! :( Eric is doing better still and he won't go back to work until Monday. I get him to myself this weekend. Goody :)

2007-11-21T23:01:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Turkey day!! Happy Thanksgiving to all out there. :)

Well today was a good day overall. The only thing wrong with it is Eric is still not home as of now (11PM). He has a new store manager who does not know very much about the Automotive Department (where Eric is the manager) and so he lumps Eric in with all the other Dept. Managers. This new guy also has not been keeping Eric in the loop with relevant things so Eric gets to hear things thru the 'grape vine' that should come directly from the new GM. So right now Eric has been at work for almost 12 hours were most of the other managers have only been there for 7. No wonder Eric can't wait for Hannah to be born so we are not so desperate for the Medical insurance and he can start looking for another job. I will be happy to see him start something new as well.

My very good friend, Julie, and also Feonix's breeder had a nice surprise for me today. She's done with putting Foenix on her website. Foenix will be her next breeding dog for her new females, but only after we get a title on him and his hips and elbows come back from OFA normal. The page looks really, really good and I am very proud of my boy!! You can check out Julie's website and stud dog page here: http://www.vombanachk9.homestead.com/stud_dogs.html

You can also check out the training I'm doing with Foenix. As I've said before it's called French Ring Sport and it involves Agility, Protection (bite work) and high-level obedience. Check out the North American Ring Association here: http://www.ringsport.org/index.html

I've finally finished with my mini cheesecakes that I'm bringing for dessert tomorrow at my Mom and Dad-in-laws house. I like how the new recipes turned out, I just love to cook. The only thing is that I wish that the White Chocolate Ganache had turned out a bit stiffer, because now I'm going to call it a White Chocolate Glaze, LOL!! So I have a batch of Raspberry White Chocolate and a batch of Peaches and Cream cheesecakes. They look very pretty and I tasted both so and they taste as good as they look. Tomorrow I will make my Green Bean Casserole and my Cesar Salad. I can't wait for a big plate of Thanksgiving Dinner.

Hannah has been kicking more today. I will say that I didn't think I was worried that she was not as active, but when I realized I was so happy to feel her being more vigorous I decided that I was concerned about it. In fact, her ears must be burning because she's moving around right now. :D I love her!

Hmmm...notice I said "her" right there? Well that's because that's what she looked like on the ultrasound but really she might still be a "he". Crazier things have happened. If she is a he, his name will be Luke Paul. I've always loved the name Luke and Eric's middle name is Paul so I can't beat that. So Hannah or Paul if you ever read this you will know that either way we were prepared for whoever you turn out to be. And Mommy nor Daddy was disappointed to meet you whether your are a boy or girl. But just for the record...we think you are a girl.

We have much to do with the babies room yet. Eric is going to have to make another phone line going to the guest room because it will have to house the computer and all. It will be a big move to get the now 'computer room' moved over and turn the guest room into the 'guest/media room'. We are also going to paint the room in vertical stripes of butter yellow and china blue. I love that color combo and it goes with the crib set we registered for at Babies-R-Us. :) The room will be the prettiest one in the house!!

That's all for now...I must go clean the kitchen and get ready for Eric to get home. Yay!! My hubby will be home soon. Bye for now.....

2007-11-20T23:27:00.000-08:00

Wow! I'm already doing my second post. :)

First order of business...some dog stuff. Today I took my GSD baby, Foenix, to the Vet to get some films of his elbow and hip joints. This is important to check them to make sure they are healthy and normal because of all the hard work I am asking him to do in French Ring. They have a lot of agility and fast bite work they have to perform in order to obtain a title. I was worried that Foenix was not going to keep training because with the German Shepherd breed there is a high incidence of Hip and Elbow Displaysia.

But really good news!! :D His films look very good and I can rest assured that he is healthy and normal for training. I was so excited that I wanted to jump up and down and kiss the Vet-- Eric very nicely told me he's glad I did not act on that impulse, LOL. Foenix's breeder, Julie Marlow of Vom Banach K9, wants to use him in her breeding program when he gets his first titles. So in order to keep her bloodlines as free of displasia as possible we will be doing more films when Feonix turns 24 months old (he's 12 now) and sending them in to OFA or Orthopedic Foundation for Animals. They will certify his hips and elbows with a rating of Excellent, Good, or Fair. I'm hoping for a good solid Good Rating, and think he will get it.

I went shopping for my share of the Thanksgiving Feast Potluck at my In-Laws house today. I am making a Cesar Salad, Green Bean Casserole, and two kinds of individual cheese cakes: White Chocolate Raspberry and Peaches and Cream. They will be small and in cupcake papers and are so pretty for a desert buffet table. Yummy!!

Now for some pregnancy stuff...

Hannah has been less active the last few days. I am not worried though cause she still wiggles, rolls, kicks, and punches her way thru the day. It's just not been the marathon style that she was doing for about a week. I can say it's nice to have a break from that. L :) She now kicks with such force that she will shake my whole belly, not just the area she kicked. As of now it is not painful except when she aims for a couple of places. Those places shall remain nameless, LOL. For the most part I do love to feel her moving, but it started to keep me from falling asleep at times. Oh boy and I have eight more weeks to go. Lucky me. LOL!

I love the fact that I look pregnant. Most women would probably feel differently. I have to say that I'd much rather look pregnant than just plain old fat!! I was overweight prior to learning I was preggers, but was working on loosing the weight. Had joined Curves and was eating very healthy. But I still prefer the pregnant look to being merely fat. But what happens after Hannah is born? I don't quite know yet. I'm hoping breast feeding will slim me down some, that is if I keep eating properly.

As a matter of fact I have a very healthy and balanced base diet. I do not eat fast food, except for very rarely (rarely= once a month). My problem is SUGAR! I feel entitled to deserts and have a hard time saying "no" to them. I can see where my flaws lie. That's a start at least. :shrug:

Another thing is that my boobs are different. My husband can even see the difference, which, is a means they've changed a lot. Here's how I know: Eric didn't notice that I've gained weight until I was a full 25 lbs heavier than when we met!! So in the event he notices something like this it is very noticeable. I have not had any experience in any 'leakage' (eww gross thought) and I'm glad. I hope to just cross that bridge later...much later. I know breast feeding is very normal and all, but I feel a little squeamish about the whole idea. I'm sure I'll get over it, hopefully before Hannah is weaned, hahaha. But in the end my body is changing and for once I have no control over it. Kind of a strange realization....

Well I'm off to bed soon before today turn into tomorrow.

Ok so not a Mom Yet...but only 2 1/2 months to go.

2007-11-19T11:33:00.000-08:00

I guess I'll introduce myself and my life. My name is Jamie, I am married to Eric, we have been married for (almost) 5 years (in March). We are a Christian family. I am a dog trainer, have my own business and we own our home on 2.5 acres in Western Washington State.

Several months ago I found out I was pregnant. The shock was to be when I did my ultrasound I was not 2 months along, or even three months along...I was a full 18 weeks or 4 1/2 months pregnant! Awww yes, ignorance is bliss! A little side note here: I was always one of these women who thought other women who did not know RIGHT AWAY that they were pregnant were either really dumb or really clueless. OK, so I am neither and will never judge other women this way again. Funny how God has a way of letting you know you are too judgemental. Ha! :)

This was a 'surprise' pregnancy to us. I was on the pill, though not great about taking them due to some acid reflux problems. Which, as it turns out, acid reflux can cover up 'morning sickness' really, really well. I chalked it all up to reflux. What about all the other pregnancy symptoms? Tiredness: yup!, Cranky: yup!, Missed periods: only for month three and four. So maybe I had some good excuses for not knowing.

Eric and I have wanted kids since before we met. Within a few weeks of dating we had already talked about marriage and kids. We met in the winter of 2002 and started dating in Mid February. Within two weeks of dating we both knew we were going to be married, though we did not want to pressure the other so we took another two weeks to discuss that. In short we did everything pretty quickly: met, fell deeply in love, deeply in friendship, and were engaged six months into our relationship. We were married seven months later.

I wanted kids right away to an extent. Eric did not. Bummer for me, right? No, not really. After a couple years and starting our dog training business I realized I did not really want kids that soon--I wanted something to do, aka: a Project. I'm glad we waited.

How ironic that only one month before we found out we were expecting Eric and I were talking and we had decided that it was time to plan a family. We were going to go to Mexico for our Honey Moon that we never got and there we were going to start. Ha ha, the joke was on us, as I was already well into my first trimester. :D

Now I'm seven months along as of tomorrow.

We have three dogs. An 18 1/2 year old Rat Terrier X Basenji, Buddy. A 6 year old Papillon, Zeke, and a 12 month old Working Line German Shepherd, Foenix. Zeke is my Obedience demo dog, Foenix is too as well as being my French Ringsport prospect. We've been training in French Ring for a few months. More on this later.

My dog training business revolves around pet training with an emphasis on behavior. I work with many dogs with behavior issues from aggression and fear to no manners. More on this later too.