So the last few days for me have been not so great. I'm having major hormone issues, and at the same time non-hormonal issues that seem to get so magnified by the hormones!! I really hope this bad PMS does not keep up for long, I'll have to change my pills.
Eric and I had a long talk yesterday. I'd love to give details, but for the sake of our relationship I'll let those remain private. It was one of those talks that I hope other couples have, I think most probably do. You know the kind I'm talking about, the talks where you actually communicate on a level where you feel you've really been heard and you know your spouse got to get some things of their chest as well. It was a very good conversation and one that has left me a little sad, but at the same time energized. I pray that we remember the conclusions we came to with this discussion. It was good. :)
I've been wondering lately when Hannah would start to laugh spontaneously. She laughs often enough if I tickle her. It's so incredibly cute!! But tonight she was on the couch with me and I started to sing her the ABC's, she loves it when I sing to her. Anyway, I decided to sing the alphabet to her by saying the sounds three time each in order. She really got a kick out of it (don't ask me why) and she laughed at me!! She thought it was really funny especially when I got to "G" and "E". For the first time I was not torturing a laugh out of her, she was just giving them. It was so darling I can't even tell you. What a special moment to cap off a couple not-so-great days.
God has a very special way of telling you to hang in there when you need it and I think that's what he did for me today with Hannah. I'm especially glad Eric was home to be able to see it and have the same joy that I did. It was so special.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Who Am I and Who Are You?
Recently after some unwanted excitement on a dog forum I'm on I've been doing a lot of thinking about the computer relationships that I have with groups or individuals. In the past I've been a member to up to four dog forums at one time. The first one I was on was about three years ago when I met Julie at Vom Banach and was purchasing a pup from her. She invited me on to this forum where the owner lives in the Netherlands. Cool!! And interesting and international place to chat with other like minded people right? Wrong!!
Within a couple weeks on that forum I started to see patterns in people's behavior. It seemed simple enough to me that this was, in fact, these people's personalities. I was caught off guard at some of the bluntness and down right mean-ness I was witnessing. I felt bad for these people's families!! :( I also noticed something about my own behavior. I was being more blunt to these strangers than I normally would have been. I didn't put much though into it at the time but now I realize I was falling into the "its-ok-to-be-blunt or rude-because-you-are-not-in front-of-these-anonymous-people" trap. Another thing to complicate the entire forum board is that we are talking about a group of dog breeders/trainers/owners. That right there should sent up red flags to the general population, my opinion is that most hard core dog people are a bit 'off'. Ha ha. So the forums are basically anonymous groups of very passionate/opinionated dog nuts. Just the kind of thing most sane people would avoid. But not me.
I've learned a lot about people in this process and also learned some about myself. Some of it not very flattering some of it good. I've learned that I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt more than I should...and then again I also like that part of my personality because I find sometimes giving that person a little "leash" is the correct thing to do. At least if I find out I'm wrong I can still feel OK because I feel good knowing I gave the person a chance. I've also learned that, while I give most people the benifit of the doubt, that I can, on occasion, make harsh snap judgements about others. I don't know why that is...just some people clash so much with my own personality that it's hard not to sometimes. The worst part is that because of the bluntness that goes on on forums is that I've been called out for some of my behavior publicly. In reality my 'behavior' was not terrible, but yes sometimes rude and uncalled for. Another thing is that because of a few posts people make judgments about you that are not true at all, but gosh to they stick!! I'm also guilty of this to a degree. The sad thing is that I know that even my worst opinion of some of these people, in the back of my mind I still save room for the idea that I don't really know them and they probably are not like this in real life, or at least I hope they are not.
There are very few people I've ever known in my entire life that I have a bad opinion of that I do not save room for the possibility that I might have them pegged wrong.
So the question stands: Who Am I and Who Are You? The internet is not the place to decide either of those. I cannot convey the whole of who I am to anyone on the intertnet. Their are far too many variables. Same thing goes for 'You" out there. I cannot find out who you really are as a person. Too many variables. Too many egos. Too many bad days, too many off days, too much venting, too much taken the wrong way, too much trying to kiss butt, too much attempting to be a different "you", too much trying to be the authentic "you" but people don't believe it. Just plain too much.
I prefer real relationships with people. I have my best friend Julie, my very good friend Gisela and others too. These people I regularly see in person or speak with on the phone. They know who I am in real life, not the unreal life of the internet.
Within a couple weeks on that forum I started to see patterns in people's behavior. It seemed simple enough to me that this was, in fact, these people's personalities. I was caught off guard at some of the bluntness and down right mean-ness I was witnessing. I felt bad for these people's families!! :( I also noticed something about my own behavior. I was being more blunt to these strangers than I normally would have been. I didn't put much though into it at the time but now I realize I was falling into the "its-ok-to-be-blunt or rude-because-you-are-not-in front-of-these-anonymous-people" trap. Another thing to complicate the entire forum board is that we are talking about a group of dog breeders/trainers/owners. That right there should sent up red flags to the general population, my opinion is that most hard core dog people are a bit 'off'. Ha ha. So the forums are basically anonymous groups of very passionate/opinionated dog nuts. Just the kind of thing most sane people would avoid. But not me.
I've learned a lot about people in this process and also learned some about myself. Some of it not very flattering some of it good. I've learned that I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt more than I should...and then again I also like that part of my personality because I find sometimes giving that person a little "leash" is the correct thing to do. At least if I find out I'm wrong I can still feel OK because I feel good knowing I gave the person a chance. I've also learned that, while I give most people the benifit of the doubt, that I can, on occasion, make harsh snap judgements about others. I don't know why that is...just some people clash so much with my own personality that it's hard not to sometimes. The worst part is that because of the bluntness that goes on on forums is that I've been called out for some of my behavior publicly. In reality my 'behavior' was not terrible, but yes sometimes rude and uncalled for. Another thing is that because of a few posts people make judgments about you that are not true at all, but gosh to they stick!! I'm also guilty of this to a degree. The sad thing is that I know that even my worst opinion of some of these people, in the back of my mind I still save room for the idea that I don't really know them and they probably are not like this in real life, or at least I hope they are not.
There are very few people I've ever known in my entire life that I have a bad opinion of that I do not save room for the possibility that I might have them pegged wrong.
So the question stands: Who Am I and Who Are You? The internet is not the place to decide either of those. I cannot convey the whole of who I am to anyone on the intertnet. Their are far too many variables. Same thing goes for 'You" out there. I cannot find out who you really are as a person. Too many variables. Too many egos. Too many bad days, too many off days, too much venting, too much taken the wrong way, too much trying to kiss butt, too much attempting to be a different "you", too much trying to be the authentic "you" but people don't believe it. Just plain too much.
I prefer real relationships with people. I have my best friend Julie, my very good friend Gisela and others too. These people I regularly see in person or speak with on the phone. They know who I am in real life, not the unreal life of the internet.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Ramblings
Today marks one week that Buddy has been gone. I have some thoughts I'd like to share here. People have a wide range of reactions when I tell them Buddy was PTS (put to sleep) and out of his misery. Some people have a strong reaction with lots of sympathy and empathy. Others, those who knew me and him well, react solemnly but seem to know that it was indeed his time to go--they do not have a dramatic reaction to it. I've done a lot of thinking about that and I feel a little guilty for the way I feel about him not being here anymore.
You see, Buddy was with me so long. When he was diagnosed with his disease I think I mourned him more then than now. The last two years have been hard seeing him slowing become a mere shell of what he used to be both physically and mentally. Buddy was not and had not been Buddy for a long time. He slept outside every night, and while he had an awesome set up with a nice bed and a heat lamp, I felt so bad to have to make him be so isolated. He really didn't seem to care however, he'd rather lie under the heat lamp than be bothered by us. I know that is true. So all in all I am not so heartsick over his death as I thought I would be. I mourned him already. And I feel guilty for it, but it's only true. *sigh*
I have PMS. Ugh!! For a few days I've been having lower back pain and headaches and feeling a little on edge. When I went to take my pill this evening I realized I was on my placebo portion of the pack...no wonder I've been feeling this way. I'm happy to report that this pill prescription, Ortho Tricyclen Lo, seems to work well for me. I wanted a low dose pill, but was unsure of how I would be on it. I have a long history of very, very bad PMS and I do need the pill to keep me on an even keel. Otherwise I think Eric and I would not have such a happy marriage. I really hate the fact that I have to take a pill to keep me on even. Why does this have to be? But I'm glad for it, I was hoping not to go back on the pill because I hate having to put those extra chemicals/hormones in my system but after lots of discussion about other birth control methods the pill seems to be the very best solution for us. Oh well.
We looked into having an IUD placed. I even talked at length with my Ob-GYN but after reading about exactly how an IUD works I was not comfortable with it. We were going to go with the IUD that does have a low dose hormone in it. But I read that it does not prevent ovulation and I am not comfortable with the idea that I might get pregnant again, have a viable zygote/embryo and have it basically aborted because of the IUD. I want pregnancy prevention, not just embryo protection. The thought makes me feel ill. I can't do it.
So anyway that's probably more information than anyone needs, but this is my blog...
You see, Buddy was with me so long. When he was diagnosed with his disease I think I mourned him more then than now. The last two years have been hard seeing him slowing become a mere shell of what he used to be both physically and mentally. Buddy was not and had not been Buddy for a long time. He slept outside every night, and while he had an awesome set up with a nice bed and a heat lamp, I felt so bad to have to make him be so isolated. He really didn't seem to care however, he'd rather lie under the heat lamp than be bothered by us. I know that is true. So all in all I am not so heartsick over his death as I thought I would be. I mourned him already. And I feel guilty for it, but it's only true. *sigh*
I have PMS. Ugh!! For a few days I've been having lower back pain and headaches and feeling a little on edge. When I went to take my pill this evening I realized I was on my placebo portion of the pack...no wonder I've been feeling this way. I'm happy to report that this pill prescription, Ortho Tricyclen Lo, seems to work well for me. I wanted a low dose pill, but was unsure of how I would be on it. I have a long history of very, very bad PMS and I do need the pill to keep me on an even keel. Otherwise I think Eric and I would not have such a happy marriage. I really hate the fact that I have to take a pill to keep me on even. Why does this have to be? But I'm glad for it, I was hoping not to go back on the pill because I hate having to put those extra chemicals/hormones in my system but after lots of discussion about other birth control methods the pill seems to be the very best solution for us. Oh well.
We looked into having an IUD placed. I even talked at length with my Ob-GYN but after reading about exactly how an IUD works I was not comfortable with it. We were going to go with the IUD that does have a low dose hormone in it. But I read that it does not prevent ovulation and I am not comfortable with the idea that I might get pregnant again, have a viable zygote/embryo and have it basically aborted because of the IUD. I want pregnancy prevention, not just embryo protection. The thought makes me feel ill. I can't do it.
So anyway that's probably more information than anyone needs, but this is my blog...
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Another Creature Enters the House
So, just like with the Shrew episode, I was feeding Hannah when this happened. I had the front door open to catch the odd cool breeze when our girl kitty, Fiona, runs inside. Her body language was not normal and I noticed some grass hanging our of her mouth. She spits the grass clump out and onto the rug in our hall way and what do I see emerge from the grass? A small Garter snake! I said, "oh Crap!!" out loud cause the first thing I see it do is slither into our computer/guest room. Damn. I'm about half way through Hannah's feeding and she usually does not take kindly to being disturbed from eating (read: has a big Hairy Canary Fit).
I took my chances on having Hannah screaming because I need to get the snake before it got lost in the house. I was imagining not being able to locate it just to have it turn up in a few days all dead and smelly inside a shoe or something similar. Gross. I did find the little snake curled up right inside the doorway, ready to strike Fiona. Ha ha, so cute. It was about 7 inches long with a tiny head about the size of a Q-tip head. At first when I picked it up it decided to play dead (yes, real play-dead, not 'actually dead' play-dead like the shrew (R.I.P). I thought it was adorable and took some pictures of it before letting it go outside. And it didn't even poop on me like most snakes do. :)
I took my chances on having Hannah screaming because I need to get the snake before it got lost in the house. I was imagining not being able to locate it just to have it turn up in a few days all dead and smelly inside a shoe or something similar. Gross. I did find the little snake curled up right inside the doorway, ready to strike Fiona. Ha ha, so cute. It was about 7 inches long with a tiny head about the size of a Q-tip head. At first when I picked it up it decided to play dead (yes, real play-dead, not 'actually dead' play-dead like the shrew (R.I.P). I thought it was adorable and took some pictures of it before letting it go outside. And it didn't even poop on me like most snakes do. :)
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Picture me with a mulllet....
Can you? Picture me with a mullet like this one? Ok I'm not a middle aged man, but I fear I'll look like this soon. Why? Because my hair is falling out at an incredible rate, I mean it!!! I was told my hair would to this, but I've found that, like most pregnancy warnings you get, that you really cannot imagine it until you are there. And I'm 'there' with my hair everywhere but on my head. Last night in the shower I rescued about an ounce of hair, not to mention what went down the drain. I've always had very thick wavy hair but I'm down to about half of what I had.
Why a Mullet? Because I'm already no stranger to frizz, you might even say that frizz and I are old friends. So when my hair all starts growing back all the short hairs will stick up all over the top of my head giving me a frizz-mullet. How nice. I think that I'll have to get some Ultra-Guaranteed-Helmet-head Hairspray to prevent the frizz mullet. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to my new 'do'. *rolleyes* LOL. I might even take a picture and post of so you all can compare me with this guy. Who knows maybe an accidental mullet just by chance looks better than an on-purpose one. LOL
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
The Time Has Come
I'm sad to report that tomorrow we will be taking Buddy to the Vet to be euthanized. He is 19 years old now and has been diagnosed with degenerative spinal cord for that past two years. He has done really well up until recently. He did not get out of his be outside once yesterday so this morning I went outside to get him up. I carried him down the stairs to the yard and he was so wobbly and confused looking. I think he may have had a stroke because he seems to be very affected on one side, he head tilts at an unnatural angle and he cannot lift his head laterally above mid leg. He also turns in a circle to move, but usually he just falls over. This is quite sudden as just a few days ago he was running about, albeit not very gracefully, chasing Zeke and play bowing. Buddy did not eat his food last night even though I had placed it in his bed instead of in his bowl as usual. I know the time has come and I am so sad.
I've had Buddy since I was 9 years old. He's been my constant companion for every major milestone in my life, except my birth. He is also the only living legacy that my family still has of my Grandmother's life long career as a dog breeder, she bred Buddy's father and mother, both of which I knew well. Buddy's dad, Tex, was the only tri-color Basenji Grandma every had and I was the first one to set eyes on him the day he was born.
Buddy was also the first dog I ever trained. Poor Buddy, my training techniques at 9 were rudimentary at best, I sometimes wonder how he ever learned anything from me looking back. LOL. Buddy has a huge spirit, one that got him into so much trouble at times. He never backed down from a fight and he used to be an escape artist. A combination that landed him in the sick bed more that once. I can still look at him and remember every incident that each of his many scars belong to. Sometimes he looked like the patchwork dog. But he always bounced back and never seemed to remember why challenging the doberman next door was not a good idea. I was glad when he started slowing down a bit when he hit 13, by that time I had neutered him and he was mellowing out. Buddy challenged me as well and that landed him crated and in some very hot water with my Mom, who threatened to get rid of him more that once...that's what prompted me to train him better and get a better handle on his behavior. To be honest the dog was a big jerk for the first three or four years of his life. But through it all we've stuck together and he and I grew up and learned together. I cannot believe he lived this long. I love you my Buddy-Boy, my Buddah-pup, my Budlocks Boondog. Rest in Peace tomorrow.
I've had Buddy since I was 9 years old. He's been my constant companion for every major milestone in my life, except my birth. He is also the only living legacy that my family still has of my Grandmother's life long career as a dog breeder, she bred Buddy's father and mother, both of which I knew well. Buddy's dad, Tex, was the only tri-color Basenji Grandma every had and I was the first one to set eyes on him the day he was born.
Buddy was also the first dog I ever trained. Poor Buddy, my training techniques at 9 were rudimentary at best, I sometimes wonder how he ever learned anything from me looking back. LOL. Buddy has a huge spirit, one that got him into so much trouble at times. He never backed down from a fight and he used to be an escape artist. A combination that landed him in the sick bed more that once. I can still look at him and remember every incident that each of his many scars belong to. Sometimes he looked like the patchwork dog. But he always bounced back and never seemed to remember why challenging the doberman next door was not a good idea. I was glad when he started slowing down a bit when he hit 13, by that time I had neutered him and he was mellowing out. Buddy challenged me as well and that landed him crated and in some very hot water with my Mom, who threatened to get rid of him more that once...that's what prompted me to train him better and get a better handle on his behavior. To be honest the dog was a big jerk for the first three or four years of his life. But through it all we've stuck together and he and I grew up and learned together. I cannot believe he lived this long. I love you my Buddy-Boy, my Buddah-pup, my Budlocks Boondog. Rest in Peace tomorrow.
Monday, May 19, 2008
I'm a sicko...
Ok the title is a little off-putting. But, really I am sick and so is Hannah. In fact, being sick has given me some time to write this post, so who says being sick is all that bad? Kidding, of course. Hannah started in with some heavy, snotty congestion, a little fussy and very sleepy. I started getting sick the day after she did. I have a bad sore throat and just plain feel crummy. I've been worried that she would start getting what I have. Seems we have different colds, but to be honest I'm not sure. Since she cannot tell me where she feels bad it's hard to know exactly what her symptoms are except the obvious.
Except for feeling like I do things have been going great. I had such a wonderful time with my sister here. I was sad to drop her off for her flight home, she made is safe and I've spoken with her several times since then. And...I need to tell her 'sorry' that I have not sent her the pics of us I promised to get 'right to her'. I have not had the time or energy to do it...but I guess I could be doing it right now. Hmmmm.... Maybe tomorrow I'll do it, my famous last words. LOL.
Hannah continues to amaze me everyday. Her development is so incredible, and I have to brag that she is very, very smart. Ok, so every mother says that, I think somewhere in my "How to be a Typical Mom" book it says that you have to believe your child is the smartest. So far I'm right where my book says I should be. If you are wondering the book is fictional, you know what they say? Yes, parenting is sans handbook. But anyway, our daughter is doing everything early according to the development time lines I read. She's just over three months old and can sit with some balance support, hold her head up easily, reaches and grabs for toys, she can laugh out loud too. Most of these things she's been doing for several weeks already. She just started reaching and holding toys for the last two weeks though, she's way more fun to play with now because she can interact with the toys more and seems to really enjoy it. Hannah is also a chatterbox-- always making some kind of noise. It's so cute. She talks with the pictures of animals on her swing, she loves the blue elephant and will stare at it and have a chat for several minutes. I'm glad she's too young to notice it does not ever respond...or, and this just came to me, maybe she knows it does not respond but just doesn't give a hoot? Yeah that's it, she's playin' it cool. *snicker*
Being a Mom continues to surprise me. I love it more than I thought I could. I never get tired of her and love our time during the day when it's just us. We have a good routine worked out and I really enjoy her so much. It pretty much goes like this: Wake up at 7-8AM- change diaper, make bottle, she eats, burps then we play for a while. Then I go and get some breakfast and I put her in her swing or chair while I eat. Change diaper. She naps, sometimes I do to. She wakes up, make bottle, eat, burp. We play with toys, or read a book (usually several times because they are such short books), somewhere in there she poops, I changer her and some times I have to change her clothes too. Then she naps a short while, she wakes up and I get some house work done or plan dinner. She comes with me from room to room in her bouncy chair. We play, talk and interact while I do house stuff. Changer diaper. She eats again, burps, naps or sometimes she just sits with me and watches TV. Usually by this time Eric comes home from work and I hand her off to him so I can finish dinner. More play, eat, burp until about 11PM and shes down for the night and it starts over then next day. And it never gets old and I love every minute of it. She changes everyday and I look forward to her first morning noises that let me know she is waking up because I know I will be blessed with another day with my baby.
Except for feeling like I do things have been going great. I had such a wonderful time with my sister here. I was sad to drop her off for her flight home, she made is safe and I've spoken with her several times since then. And...I need to tell her 'sorry' that I have not sent her the pics of us I promised to get 'right to her'. I have not had the time or energy to do it...but I guess I could be doing it right now. Hmmmm.... Maybe tomorrow I'll do it, my famous last words. LOL.
Hannah continues to amaze me everyday. Her development is so incredible, and I have to brag that she is very, very smart. Ok, so every mother says that, I think somewhere in my "How to be a Typical Mom" book it says that you have to believe your child is the smartest. So far I'm right where my book says I should be. If you are wondering the book is fictional, you know what they say? Yes, parenting is sans handbook. But anyway, our daughter is doing everything early according to the development time lines I read. She's just over three months old and can sit with some balance support, hold her head up easily, reaches and grabs for toys, she can laugh out loud too. Most of these things she's been doing for several weeks already. She just started reaching and holding toys for the last two weeks though, she's way more fun to play with now because she can interact with the toys more and seems to really enjoy it. Hannah is also a chatterbox-- always making some kind of noise. It's so cute. She talks with the pictures of animals on her swing, she loves the blue elephant and will stare at it and have a chat for several minutes. I'm glad she's too young to notice it does not ever respond...or, and this just came to me, maybe she knows it does not respond but just doesn't give a hoot? Yeah that's it, she's playin' it cool. *snicker*
Being a Mom continues to surprise me. I love it more than I thought I could. I never get tired of her and love our time during the day when it's just us. We have a good routine worked out and I really enjoy her so much. It pretty much goes like this: Wake up at 7-8AM- change diaper, make bottle, she eats, burps then we play for a while. Then I go and get some breakfast and I put her in her swing or chair while I eat. Change diaper. She naps, sometimes I do to. She wakes up, make bottle, eat, burp. We play with toys, or read a book (usually several times because they are such short books), somewhere in there she poops, I changer her and some times I have to change her clothes too. Then she naps a short while, she wakes up and I get some house work done or plan dinner. She comes with me from room to room in her bouncy chair. We play, talk and interact while I do house stuff. Changer diaper. She eats again, burps, naps or sometimes she just sits with me and watches TV. Usually by this time Eric comes home from work and I hand her off to him so I can finish dinner. More play, eat, burp until about 11PM and shes down for the night and it starts over then next day. And it never gets old and I love every minute of it. She changes everyday and I look forward to her first morning noises that let me know she is waking up because I know I will be blessed with another day with my baby.
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