A Very Hard Time For Us

I guess I'll begin at the beginning. My last post announced my pregnancy. That was on the 31st of May.

I am pregnant...I think. Really I'm not sure. Until yesterday I thought I had a seven week old fetus growing happily and healthily inside my uterus. But that was yesterday.

I was diagnosed with low Progesterone (the hormone that keeps your uterine lining in place to feed the potential pregnancy, when it gets low that is what triggers your menstrual flow). I have been on oral progesterone and injection progesterone, plus a drug called Metformin to lower my insulin. These are all common drugs to be on when you are pregnant and have PCOS.

It's been quite the roller coaster. I have been prescribed 2cc's of injected progesterone once a day. it hurts a lot to get these shots in my butt!! Not only does it hurt getting them but it hurts my whole backside...I'm numb with patches of itchy painful spots. Not fun, but I am willing to do that because it's what my Doctor says I should do to keep this pregnancy. Not really a big deal in the end.

My hCG quantities have been rising steadily and appropriately, signaling a healthy developing fetus. I have been so excited every time I get that phone call saying "The quantitative hCG is 162." The next week it was in the 3000 range and the next week in the 9000 range. This week it should have been about 30,000.

Yesterday I went in for my first ultrasound that would show us the tiny heart beating of the baby my husband and I helped create. This was a trans-vaginal ultrasound. Not fun, but any discomfort was put aside with the excitement of seeing that tiny fluttering movement of the heart, and to see the tiny little bean of a human inside its protective sac.

We saw the my cervix, we saw my uterus, we saw a sac. We didn't see a baby. Just an empty sac with nothing inside to indicate a life. Empty.

I knew right away too, my brain went into survival mode and I couldn't really feel anything, but listen to the Doctor as he probed deeper to get different angles of the gestational sac. At first he told us that it was only measuring 5 weeks but then on a different angle it measured a more normal 7 weeks. But at no time did I see any little bean, let alone a heart beating. And the Doctor was quiet. He told me to take a break and to go use the restroom so I did.

When I came back he repeated the entire thing. Still nothing. He told us that in about 85% of patience at this place gestationally he sees the baby and its heart beating away. So that leaves us in the possible 15% or so chance that there IS a baby but he just can't seem to find the right angle to detect it. He said we'd do some blood work and see what the hCG was, that should give us more information.

I got a call about 4pm yesterday saying my blood work was around 9000 last week and should be about 30,000 this week but it was only 16,000. More devastation. This has been a really hard 24 hours for my husband and I.

It seems our baby has stopped developing. We don't know when though. I've done some research in this and it seems this type of miscarriage is very common. It has a name too. Blighted Ovum. I don't have a baby I have a Blighted Ovum.

Now...because I am a hopeful person..I have some thoughts on this bad news. First...we could be in that 15% range that I really am pregnant still. Oh! And one more thing...I have thought all along that my due date is about 7-8 day past when they calculate that I ovulated. So the baby might well be a week or more younger than they predict. I keep very good record of when I ovulate and I nearly always ovulate a week or more past "normal". And the hCG doesn't always go up according to the perfect little chart. And miracles do happen. In fact, this baby is one of them already even if it isn't alive any more. So there! Take that pessimistic side. Take that scientific researcher side. Take that 'I just want closure and to move on' tendencies.

We have another ultrasound scheduled for Friday. We'll see then...oh and more blood work.

After my last post....

....I'm pregnant. LOL!!!

More New Directions

Since my last post was so much about my feelings about Foenix's death, I think I'll stay off that topic for this post. Except to say I found it really helpful to write that all out. So, to those who read it, thank you.

I started this blog soon after I found out I was pregnant with our daughter, Hannah. Since then Eric and I have had a lot of growing up to do, and some stretching of our relationship, some really hard moments and some excellent ones too.

For over a year now we've been trying to get pregnant. Well, as you can assume, we've had no luck. I have been going to a new Gynecologist who has a specialty in the Endocrine system and is fabulous at diagnosing infertility issues.

I have since been diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Basically my hormones are all out of whack and I don't ovulate normally. My Insulin levels are high and so is my Testosterone. The other hormones seem to be OK. I am on two medications at this time. One is Spironolactone and the other is Metformin. I just started on the Metformin.

I have to work up to a dose of 2,000 mg. of Metformin over a month's time. Oh boy is this drug living up to its reputation to kill your GI tract. I have been sick for about three days. I started my first dose of one 500 mg pill once in the morning. Per my Doctors orders I had to up the dose to two 500 mg. pills a day -- one in the AM and one in the PM. Ugh!! I feel like I have severe morning sickness, plus, its messing with my lower GI tract as well. Running to the bathroom is literal for me now. No more casual, "oh let me just run to the restroom." Nope. Now it's, "Oh Lord, please let the bathroom be empty, and please don't let the next person going in see who came out." Yep. Nice huh?

So this drug is supposed to lower my insulin levels and therefore make me ovulate at a more normal time in my cycle. See, I DO ovulate. I just ovulate late. I am about a day 21-er of my cycle, not a more average 12-16 day ovulation.

Oh that and....that my husband was on a medication that caused some fertility "issues" as well. Then his ignorant Doctor had the audacity to argue that the drug would help that area of our our lives. Needless to say we are no longer patients of hers. She's a dud. Not a dude, a dud. This isn't her first time of misdiagnosing issues either. She diagnosed Eric with a pulled groin muscle when he actually had a pretty large inguinal hernia. Yeah nice, right? This misdiagnosis cost us close to a thousand dollars out of our pockets and took about 8 months to get the real diagnosis. He's since had surgery to fix it. Because I'm not in the very best mood right now I have the urge to say who this "doctor" is. But I know it's wrong of me to feel that way, and would be even more wrong (wronger?) to do it. So, I won't.

So we are also waiting for Eric to get his system back on track before we can get pregnant.

Oh got a really bad wave of nausea...I think I'll stop now and go lie down, or is that lay down? Don't correct me. I don't really care. :P

New Directions

Last time I blogged was almost a year ago, it was in June 2010. Since then my life has made some dramatic changes. Some good, some not so good.

First we are blessed to live in my Hubby's Grandparents house. Both Grandma and Grandpa passed on last year. It was really, truly a privilege to get to know them and spend the time with them I was able to. After Grandma feel and broke her arm I was able to come and do some care giving for her. That was really an amazing time for me. I learned a lot about them both and my love for them deepened even more. I miss them so much.

Eric, Hannah, and I are blessed to be living in this home. We've been here about five months now and love it.

I started a new animal venture! I am now raising meat rabbits for our consumption and to sell a few buns to those who like rabbit. It's fun so far. I started off with a breeding trio: young Satin buck, one NZ doe and one Champagne D'Argent doe. Of those first three I only have the Champagne left. The other two are sitting in my fridge as I type this. I am cooking them tomorrow.

Here is the recipe I am going to use: http://http://www.food.com/recipe/elizabethan-rabbit-423126

I am so excited to try rabbit for the first time. Tonight I prepped an 8 quart cast iron dutch oven (inherited from Grandma Kay) to cook the meal in. Rabbit meat is high in protein, and very low in fat and cholesterol. And apart from that they are the least expensive meat to raise. They also have the best meat-to-bone ratio of any modern livestock.

I still have three rabbits though. Last week I went and got two new rabbits: one broken-red NZ buck and one Californian doe. The doe is bred and she is a good mother, and has had several litters of babies already. My Champagne is a first time Mommy and I don't know how she'll do. I see she has a baby bump though, she is due to have her kits in about a week.

I started considering raising rabbit since I can no longer have chickens. I sold my flock several months before we moved. I wanted to keep raising animals for my family-- odd as it may seem raising meat for my family satisfies me in a really good way. I love the idea that I know exactly where, how, when the meat came from. I also wanted to raise rabbit to feed to my dogs, mainly Foenix who always seem(ed) to be having some G.I. issues.

That brings me to the biggest change as of recently. 8 weeks ago I had Foenix neutered. The very next day he developed the first outward signs of Peri-Anal Fistulas. They progressed rapidly and I put him to sleep on a Tuesday. These words I just typed are surreal, even yet. My dog is gone. I have not gotten up the courage to pick up his ashes at the Vet...I keep putting it off, I dread the feelings of loss and emptiness it gives me. I miss him-- sometimes I hate words because "I miss him" does NOTHING to convey how that feels. I hate talking about him with anyone because, inevitably, they pat me on the shoulder, give me a sad look and say they are sorry. And I appreciate their thoughts. Kinda.

I feel an inward numbness most of the time, but when I am NOT feeling numb I am sobbing my eyes out. I am a seriously ugly crier. Yet even the next day, after the dam has broken on my mourning, my eyes are so swollen I look like I've been in a fight, but without the bruises.

I want to tell people somehow that he was more than just my pet. I loved my dog and he loved me. He was also my working partner and proof of my skill as a Trainer. He assisted me with so many dogs I've trained, he was invaluable to me in that way. I have lost not only my dog, but an instrument of my profession, a teacher, and a friend. I just wish I didn't have to tell people this, I wish they just knew it. But, they don't, and, while its not their fault there's a sense of festering frustration about that.

What good is saying you're a concert pianist if you don't own a piano? What good is it to be a chef without a kitchen? See what I mean. But his loss is so much more than a bad hit to me as a Trainer. It's that we were so bonded and I loved him and he loved me. And I miss the light in his eyes, and I miss the silly games we played, and I miss spitting water at him, and I miss preparing his food at night, and I miss his large presence in my house, and I miss the secure, safe feeling he gave all of us, and I miss hearing him walk around, and I miss seeing him out of the corner of my eye and him noticing I am looking at him and him wagging the end of his tail acknowledging the attention.

Every day I know the space between us gets bigger. Every time I sweep my floors, do laundry, or clean my car, his hair and nose prints on the windows slowly get erased. I used to curse his hair all over the place. And now each time I empty the dust pan or lint trapper in the dryer I know that I just get that much closer to the day that I no longer have recent proof of his presence with me. That sounds silly. But it's how my mind works right now. Saying "i miss him" doesn't even begin to tell the story.

My Day So Far...

....Has been great! Eric got home from Oregon last night. I was so relieved he made it safe and had a good time (though not too good of a time, without me, of course :P ). When he walked through the door my first thought was "wow he is a big person". Not fat, just a big guy. So that's what I said to him. LOL He said, "so I look fatter?". I said "no, you look like a big person. Consider who I have been interacting with since you have been gone. Hannah is pretty tiny compared to you!!" He laughed.

Today has been a day of laundry..about five loads so far. Shame of me for letting it get that far behind. But I know Eric will probably have about two more loads for me to do once he unpacks all the way.

Today has been a day of smells too. Dog farts, old broccoli. Yeah not pleasant. I noticed right off this morning that my kitchen had a really funky smell. After examining Hannah's diaper a few times I start sniffing around my kitchen. Fridge: clean. Sink: clean. Pantry: nothing unusual, and clean. My kitchen is clean. Where is this smell coming from? Finally it dawned on me to open the garbage cupboard. Suddenly I remembered the old broccoli I threw out while cleaning the fridge. Yeah...Nasty stuff. Took out the trash and sprayed the can and cupboard with Lysol much to my relief it smells normal again.

Next I walked into the dog room, Hannah trailing not far behind. Even before I could comment she goes "OH my, my, my...that stinks!!". Laughed my butt off and then agreed with her. One of the dogs had gas. Bad. Dog. Farts. Need I say more? Well, yeah i do. LOL. I took a look at both the dogs, my shepherd, Foenix, was anxiously waiting by the gate. My training dog, Cate, a St. Bernard was laying in her kennel nonchalant I assumed it was Foenix and put him outside. Must have been him because I have not smelled it since. Dog-crapping-on-the-carpet crisis averted.

My house smells normal again. Hannah is sleeping and I am having lunch as I type. And I look forward to a nice evening at home with Eric and Hannah.

Now I must go so I can do a training session with Cate. She only has a few days left in the program before she goes home :)

Just My Thoughts For Today

I don't know what I want to blog about today. I guess I am having an emotional day, started my period. Not feeling that great.

I am happy to be home. I work weekends in Snohomish, that is a long way away from Port Orchard. I drive 117 miles one way. I stay Saturday nights at my parents house. I really like that I get to see them weekly, but on the other hand I really, really, REALLY miss Hannah and Eric. Got home last night.

Yesterday while I was at work Eric and Hannah came up to have dinner with me and the couple I take care of. They loved meeting both Hannah and Eric (but, not so secretly, they really were looking forward to Hannah. Eric was just a bonus LOL). We had dinner and Hannah entertained us before dessert with some singing. That kid is an entertainer and feels totally comfortable in the spot light. Not my personality at all LOL.

She sang "Row, Row, Row Your Boat", "Rock-A-By-Baby", and something else which i cannot recall right now. Char and Leo were enthralled with her. As everyone is really LOL. Leo, the man I was hired to take care of, really took a liking to her. I really saw a side of him I have never seen before. He was completely engaged in what she was saying and doing, and everything Hannah did he told her what a big girl she was and was so encouraging. I remember thinking that his children were very blessed to have a Daddy like Leo. :)

Now I am home today, woke up with my period, and have not felt so great. Ugh I am looking forward to PMS going away. I think I should feel normal again by tomorrow. And by my calculations I should be ovulating around June 7th...... *wink*

I am having dinner for Grandpa Bodeutsch and some friends tomorrow. I am trying to figure out what I should cook for dinner. Eric's idea was chicken on the grill. I don't care for that idea though...LOL so far all his suggestions sound not so great. If I am not careful though he'll stop trying to help cause I keep saying "no" to all his ideas.

That's all for now.

Potty Trainng Hannah now 27 Months Old

Lots of time has gone by since my last post. I guess this will be updates on everything and also some new stuff.

Eric and I are doing really well. Hannah is 27 months old, she is such an angel. Never thought being a parent would be the best thing ever in my life. Of course being a parent requires a good spouse (at least ideally it does). So Eric is also the best thing that ever happened to me as well. Hannah started walking at 14 months. She eats like a horse LOL that kid will eat about anything. She LOVES cucumbers, most veggies and also is quite the carnivore.

Her allergies that she was plagued with as an infant are pretty much gone. She is an active, and very intelligent child. And for her age is exceptionally social and well spoken. She strikes up full conversations with people at the bank and grocery stores regularly.

Hannah *LOVES* babies. When shopping twice last week she saw babies, or heard them. She announces their presence gleefully. We were in the Bakery section of Fred Meyer a couple weeks ago, and there was this 8 month old baby girl in there. Hannah pointed her out quite loudly and the Mom looked over and smiled.

Hannah looked at me and said: "Can I pet 'em?". She was completely serious. I burst your laughing. The other Mom asked me what she said and I told her, she giggled too. Then she says "I don't see why she couldn't "pet" her. LOL

So Hannah got to pet the baby. She now asks me to "pet" every baby in the store. That includes kids her own age.

We have been dabbling in potty training (house breaking? lol) for quite some time now. Her first time going potty in the potty chair was before she was two. She peed. Since then she has gone potty several times but I have tried not to push the issue. A few months ago she pooped in the potty chair, it freaked her out for some reason. (she has seen me go and her dad go but it seemed to have traumatized her quite a bit) She stopped even wanting to sit on the potty seat for well over a month after that.

She has started wanting to pee outside on the ground...so I am using that to give her the idea of telling me when she wants to go. So far so good.

Since yesterday she has gone potty, either poop or pee four times. So today I put her itty bitty panties (so cute!) on her and we are having a diaper-free day. She is napping as I type this with diaper on though. So far she has peed in her panties twice today.....However the good thing is that the second time she came and told me that she had to go. Albeit after she had gone some and also started to poop..yuck..LOL

I told her how proud of her I was, as I ushered her to the bathroom PRONTO! I took her soiled panties off and she sat on the chair and went poop some more and even squeezed out a few drops of pee. My good girl :)

She is trying so hard. I am so incredibly proud of her.