Meanwhile...At Our House.....

Hannah's in bed now so I thought I would try and come up with some kind of interesting blog entry.  Not sure if this will be interesting.  More realistically this will be, as most of these are, my diary of sorts to put my own thoughts and memories down.

I am 19 and half weeks pregnant now.  That is significant in that on Sunday I will be half way through this pregnancy.  Only 20-22 weeks before we get to meet our new little one and our family will grow by one soul who will be so cherished. 

I had some scary moments again a couple weeks ago when I was at work and started bleeding bright red with clotting.  I was also having some pretty intense cramping and pressure low in my uterus.  It stopped that day, but by that weekend it had resumed (but not as bad) then that Saturday I woke up with a lot of flow and got really scared.  Ok, enough messing around.  I called Niki, my midwife, and my Husband and went to the Dr.

Fast forward to now and I am doing really well. No bleeding and no long contractions.

(...I just looked and I already talked extensively about that with my last entry...so we'll be moving on.)

On a sad note I was "let go" on one of my care giving jobs.  I'd really like to say a lot about that, but I know I shouldn't.  Basically since I was gone for two weeks, which is only two shifts on that job, the family wanted to not "disrupt" their Mom with the other caregivers and had already filled my position.  I am glad it wasn't a performance issue, and I am happy to say that I was asked to do another different kind of job with the family.  Not sure how best to describe the position, but kind of like a personal assistant kind of thing.  Frankly it was rather vague.  Whatever it is or was I am NOT interested because I am not a personal assistant, my hours of availability are very limited and I don't think for what they want me to be doing I would be able to get the same number of hours.  I am pretty bummed out because that job gave us the means to put away savings for the time when I have the baby.  So I will be seeking out new employment.  Ok, again, moving on...biting my tongue on this subject.

I think I have said before that this baby is very, very, did I say VERY? Active!!  A few nights ago I was laying in bed and wanted to see if I could feel baby from the outside. Sure enough!  I'm laying in bed in complete darkness laughing because I was shocked-amazed-joyful at feeling the baby kick me very soundly and feel it on the outside.  Eric asked me why I was laughing.  So I told him.  He replied, "hmm."  LOL.  Too sleepy to respond much. But I was having fun, just Baby and I.

Baby is kicking me right now in fact. I guess he/she doesn't want me to forget to talk about him/her.

Hannah is increasingly interested in my belly and talking to it, and rubbing it, and tickling "baby", and she is certain she can hear the baby "trying to get out".  She is really hearing my food digesting, but to her the baby is responding to her questions and comments she shouts into my belly button.  She likes to pat my "fat tummy".  She might even have made it jiggle a few times and made me blush..maybe.

Last night she was saying goodnight to baby and doing her ritual of listening and telling me baby is trying to get out.  She said she could hear Baby kicking and attempting to make a break from the womb.  I said, "What does it sound like."  Thinking she would make some kind of silly sound.  She proceeded to cock one leg back and kick me hard three times in the shin.  "It sounds just like that, Mommy."  I laughed really hard and contemplated kicking her back.  Not really....well maybe for a split second.  It did hurt.  But it was really too funny.  Next time I will have to make sure to ask her what it sounds like and to mimic the noise verbally!!

Absolutely NOT Motivated to Blog...so here we go.

I don't know why I was so stupid as to post that I'd do "at lest weekly" blogs at the beginning of the year.  I have failed miserably at that announcement.  I won't do that again.

I don't know why I haven't wanted to blog.  Partially I guess because this pregnancy has consumed me.  Second is there's a LOT going on with my pregnancy but so much of it is more personal that I *should* share and I am trying to respect my Eric's desire for me not to share everything about this.  After all, me being pregnant has everything to do with him.

I am kind of in a bit of a funky mood today.  I'll give a little backgrounds so you might understand why.  First, I am now 17 weeks pregnant today!!  Made it into the second trimester -- so that means I have from 23-25 weeks to go.  We are due from mid September to mid October.  Hoping to give Eric his second child on his birthday in early October though. (that would be sooo awesome!)

So back to my mood and why.  I've had bleeding during the first several weeks of this pregnancy and up to week 11. I was discharged from High Risk and my Reproductive OB @ week 12.  He said I was free to find a new provider.  Well to be frankly honest he said I was free to find a new Ob/Gyn.  I didn't get a Ob/Gyn I opted instead for a Midwife.  After literally over a year of talking to Eric about a midwife he finally said he was comfortable with the idea.  So after a lot of personal referals from friends I found Niki, CPM.  Thus far she is really great and we like her a lot.

Last week I started bleeding again, out of the blue when I was at work.  Scary, bright red, fresh.  Over the next few days I continued some mild spotting.  Then again on Friday I had more fresh blood.  I had called Midwife Niki and talked to her several times.  We were on the same page that I should get a good detailed ultrasound -- but if it gets worse I should go to the ER.  So Saturday morning Hannah wakes me up as normal. I didn't feel right.  I mean I kinda felt like I had peed myself, or water had broken, OR that I was bleeding a lot.

Sure enough, bleeding quite a bit.  There was no question in my mind where I was going to be that day. So after a shower, and dropping Hannah off at my good friends house, (and some crying and freaking out) I was at Labor and Delivery Triage at a good hospital near me.

I felt a little like a hypochondriac laying in the bed, attached to the monitors for contractions, with nurses in and out of the room.  I know really, that going was the right thing to do.  But as Eric and I sat there, listening to the more "real" issues other women were having I felt bad for taking up the bed. *small rant alert*  Oh, and I find it really embarrassing that I have two legs that work just fine but they insisted in making me sit in a wheelchair while some poor aide had to push me through seemingly endless hallways until I got to my room!

So I was examined, blood was taken, and we had a useless quickie ultrasound to check the babies heart beat (which was already found by the nurse with a Doppler-- oh yes, and since I can feel baby moving I knew baby was alive anyway). I was not having contractions.  The bleeding had pretty much stopped by the time the Doctor took a look.  He scoffed at me having a Midwife, which I was mentally prepared for, but really it did irritate me.  He even went so far as to tell me that my Reproductive OB would be -- in his own words -- "offended that you chose to use a lay midwife after he let you go from his care." Ugh.  Whatever.  Obviously if I need a higher level of care for this pregnancy than a midwife can provide I'll have a regular Ob/Gyn.  But that has yet to be determined.

Ultimately I was put on modified bed rest for two weeks, pending detailed ultrasound for sometime this week (to be determined).  Modified bed rest doesn't sound so bad, unless you read really what it entails.  The only real difference between that and strict bed rest is that you can still do things like take daily showers and like, wipe down counters and fold laundry.  Other than that I am not supposed to do a dang thing.  I guess I am a bad patient because I really hate this.

Today I decided my tomato plants and roses needed watering so I had Hannah pull the hose for me and she helped me water, but even that was too much and I was cramping and bleeding from it.  Soooooooooooooo annoying!!  So that is why I am in a kinda bad mood because I really don't know how I can really be effective doing anything much. Plus I cannot work which puts us at a bad spot financially. *grumble...grumble...*

I know it is what is best for me and the baby. I know that.  But it is harder than you think -- suddenly being very restricted in your activities, even down to the most normal things.

Return to Blogging.

So I totally broke my only New Years resolution to blog weekly.  I've broken that x 4 or a little more than that.  It's been more than a month since I last blogged. But I'm back, hopefully, to do my weekly (or more) blog entries.

First off last entry I left you with a promise of a blog entry that I was going to do kinda like a diary.  Well I only got a few days into that and then stopped.  But for good reason.

As many of you know I am pregnant!!  10 weeks today to be exact.  All of those OPK's, vitamins, and most importantly God allowed us to get it just right two and half months ago.  In the past 8 weeks we've had some scary moments.  I started bleeding again and of course my mind immediately assumed another miscarriage.  Odd thing about my feelings though is that, while I cried about the last pregnancy ending so badly, I didn't realize quite how scared I was of it happening again. The moment I saw pink on the toilet paper I burst into tears, nearly having a panic attack.  I called Eric crying so hard that he couldn't even understand me on the phone.  Poor Husband, he thought something horrible had happened to Hannah.

I was at my Dr. office the next day for an ultrasound.  While we didn't see Baby at that point we did see the gestational sac and it looked perfect, measuring exactly right for my ovulation date (which I knew for sure thanks to the OPKs).  My Dr. didn't see any bleeding in the uterus or in the cervix, to which he said that some spotting was common in early pregnancy and that this pregnancy looked very good, blah blah, blah.  He was very optimistic about this time, which he wasn't last time.  They took blood and decided to put me on oral Progesterone because I was on the low end of normal and they were just being cautious.  My blood work has come back very good each time.

I've lost a total of 12 pounds, I give most of that credit to the Metformin I am on.  I have not weight myself in a while again so I'll give it a look in a day or two.  I know I will gain more weight again as the pregnancy progresses but I am excited to see if I an maintain a low weight gain.  I'm not supposed to gain more than 10-15 pounds because of my BMI as it is...we'll see.

So far this pregnancy has gone more smoothly than Hannah's did.  My morning sickness has been minimal, on and off for the first four weeks.  And now it's pretty much gone.  I am not as exhausted with this one as I was with Hannah.  That doesn't mean I am not tired or ever sick, it just means it is better.  I am taking naps with Hannah about 4 days a week, sometimes more.  I ♥ taking naps with her.

It's Sunday, not only does that mean Church, but my other love: The Walking Dead.  We've recorded it and Eric is chomping at the bit to get it started.  He showered which is the ONLY reason it's not on and I have not abandoned this sooner!  TTFN xoxo

Kindle and Kindle

For Christmas my Husband got me an Android Media Pad (or Notebook).  I have been wanting a Kindle every since I was able to accept the fact that it would, indeed, be more convenient.  Books can be very expensive.  I love books.  Love everything about them, the crispness of the paper, the cracking sound of when you first open a brand new book, the smoothness of the pages, and the way I can get totally lost in a story.  And of course I love the smell.  As I was growing up there were two kinds of stores I loved and could consider owning when I grew up.  One was a book store, the other a feed store.  Both of those places I love for their smell.

Anyway, you probably get my point. I love to read.  Technology takes me time to grow to like.  But once I decided I wanted an E-book Reader I really wanted one badly.  I am so glad Eric got me this one.  It was less expensive than a Kindle, but has a lot of neat things you can do on it, besides read.

I just finished reading a book I have wanted to read since it came out this year: The Land of the Painted Caves, by Jean M. Auel.  I have read every other book in the Earth's Children Series starting when I was 9 years old.  To my sadness this was the last book in the series.  I hate when I get towards the ending of a book, it gives me actual anxiety -- weird? Yes I know.  Since this was the last book in the series I was really quite agitated by the time I got to the last chapter.  It was good but I have a touch of disappointment with the ending.  It felt incomplete to me and felt as if Mr. Auel was in a hurry to be done with it.  Part of me feels like she may even write another book.  If she doesn't I really hope a good movie team picks up the series.  It would make great film if they stayed true to the story enough.

I have been trying to occupy my mind lately with other things besides pregnancy, conceiving, blah, blah, blah.  It gets tiresome after several months and I always have to take a break from it.

Speaking of babies :) I have a rabbit ready to kindle (LOL just realised why I like the name of the Kindle Ebook reader).  She is a Champagne D'argent doe -- a meat breed.  This breed is a French heritage breed, they are not commercial rabbits but produce a nice large, meaty carcass at about 8-12 weeks of age.  I have been very happy with this breed.  My buck is a New Zealand and mixing the two has been a great choice because the babies grow even faster and are very heavy by an early age.  They are beautiful too.  Anyhow, this doe is a doe I chose to keep back from my very first litter of meat rabbits.  She is a pure Champagne and I loved her Mother, who was a very good Mother and easy keeper from the first time she had a litter.  I kept this doe back out of three to choose from, she was the most physically balanced of the three does, and the heaviest at her age.  She has not disappointed me with her growth.

I put her nest box in with her today.  I was "smart" and lined it thickly with newspaper because the nest box is metal and it is not the warmest weather of the year.

I just went out to check my little lady and to my delight she is nesting, to my chagrin she has chosen to nest outside of the box.  The only thing she has found use of the box is the newspaper which she has uniformly shredded and placed in the opposite corner along with a bunch of hay.  I admit I am impressed with now neatly the newspaper was shredded, but wish she would have chosen the box.  I am slightly concerned that she might have eaten some of the newspaper as she was making an exaggerated chewing motion the entire time I was picking out the paper.  It may be because she is in early labor though.  I moved the nest box to her chosen corner (which is also her potty corner dang-it!).  I added another several handfuls of hay and she immediately started rebuilding her nest inside the box.  It is rather cute to see her gathering huge mouthfuls of hay and carrying them around and placing them so carefully inside the box.  Then she rearranges it.  I will go check on her a couple more times tonight in hopes to catch her before she starts to kindle.  If she has those babies outside that box they have no hope.  It is not unusual for a first time momma rabbit to have her babies "on the wire" -- anywhere outside of the insulated nest box.  They die quickly, being born with nearly no hair and quite helpless.

I am finding this new mother stuff with the rabbits to be a little stressful.  This breeding took two months and a lot of time to complete.  Miss Bunny wasn't cooperating with our buck, despite his best efforts to woo her.  The second month was better and I've known she was pregnant for the past two weeks when I could first feel her babies moving around in her tummy.

I will probably wake up at least once during the night to go check on her too.  I really don't want to have to dispose of a whole litter of them in the morning.  If I can save them I will.  They are food, but until they are in my freezer I really care about them and feel terrible when one dies outside of slaughter for consumption.

Just Another Blog Post :)

I have noooo idea what to blog about today.  This might be one of my worse blog entries, we'll see how this goes.

I am all alone in my house, that is a miracle that doesn't happen that often.  Since Hannah is in preschool I guess it happens about twice a week, sometimes less, but never more.  Eric is home taking his last few days of vacation before the-powers-that-be start a new vacation accruing year and the time starts over.  You'd think that would happen on January 1st, but it doesn't in large companies.  I have no idea why.

Hubby has been home with me for several days and we are really enjoying our time together.  He is happy and so are Hannah and I.  Last night she asked if she could sleep with us.  This is the first time this has ever come up.  Part of me was thinking, "yay!! I'd love to have your little warm body next to me all night, being able to smell you and snuggle you. It would be soooo fun to wake up to you."  And part of me was like, "Heck NO!  between your father snoring and you kicking me I wouldn't get a second of real sleep."  When I told Hannah to ask Eric he dutifully told her "no".  But the part of me that wanted her to sleep with us was stronger than the other part and I was a touch disappointed with his answer. 

I really want to be eating something very very spicy and a touch sweet right now.  The thought of Thai food makes me mouth water so much I think I might need to wear a bib.

Speaking of food, I am considering adding a separate tab just to blog about my cooking and my recipes.  I recently made Hummus for the first time, home made and it was the best I have ever had!!  I didn't have fresh parsley to add to it, but I had dried.  My dilemma was that dried parsley doesn't taste anything like fresh....however...I did have dried basil, which, if used sparingly, is a pretty close scent and flavor to fresh parsley.  So I ended up putting a little dried parsley and basil (just a touch though) and also modified the recipe by adding some fresh lemon zest. -- I am a certified lemon-holic!!! -- Much to my delight I loved it.  Everyone at the potluck seemed to love it too.  The entire thing was gone by the end of the evening.  It was a tad heavy on the garlic though, but honestly it grew on me.  I think I might use less next time and compare notes.

Cooking is a hobby for me and I really love it.  Sometimes I get sick of it because it is such an every day thing.  But I can keep myself interested by trying new recipes or changing old ones.

I also have a surprise blog entry that won't be ready for a while, it will be a running commentary over the next couple weeks.  It will be kinda like a more specific blow-by-blow, thought-by-thought kind of thing.  Stay tuned for that :)

P.S. Spellcheck makes me laugh. I just love some of the suggested words they have on here.  It dinged me on "holic" after the word lemon.  And the list of suggested words for holic were: colic, Hollie, hoick (what is that??), holli, and helix. *laugh my butt off*

Black, White, and Grey

I am not a patient person, I have said so before.  My Mom really knows this about me.  She and I were talking on the phone today and I told her I don't think my Trying to Conceive journey has made me any more patient of a person as I was before.  She quickly agreed with me, possibly a little too quickly LOL!!

What I am trying to say is I seem to have several more weeks or months to wait in my journey.  I don't think I will suddenly become this uber patient person during this time either.  As I thought about ways I have changed in the last few years I can say with all honesty is I have become more patient.  Just not patient about becoming pregnant.

I am more patient with people in my life.  This holds especially true for our daughter, Hannah.  She has taught me, through love and out of love for her, to be a kinder, gentler version of my Pre-Mommy self.  No one else could cause me to bend like she has.  My husband has gentled me a little too, but not nearly in the same degree.

I am a Black-and-White thinker and reactor.  I used to have NO grey areas in my ideas, reactions, interactions, ect.  Grey scared me, made me very uncomfortable.  I might even say a grey area made me very insecure.  I didn't care for the feelings Grey Areas force me to feel. It was icky.

As I get older there's a lot more Grey Area room inside my heart and mind.  Grey Areas are areas of tolerance, acceptance, softness, humility, and forgiveness within my heart.  Grey Areas are still areas I struggle with every day.  I am still a Black-and-Whiter, it is who I was born to be.  At times it's been a learning curve that has hurt me terribly, I have carried wounds and acted like a victim because other people thrust their Grey Areas into my life.  At times Grey has been hated!!

I have learned to enjoy the Grey Areas sometimes.  Hannah has helped me so much with this.  Children are naturally more Black-and-White than grey thinkers, even if their personalities tend towards grey in the long run.  For Hannah I have had to teach her patience, which is a huge Grey Area usually.  Funny how when you teach someone else something you usually learn more about it than they do.

I see so much of my way of thinking in my daughter.  Some flattering and some not so much.  I hope she can grow up with a fondness for the Grey Areas in life, but be a steadfast Black-and-Whiter when she needs to be.  What I pray for her is a balance of the two.

I have learned patience through watching her grow.  By the Grace of God I have not forced so much Black-and-White upon her as my instincts tell me to (of course with some meaningful acceptions).  It is a struggle sometimes, to be patient when she has something or done something wrong.  I have to teach her, not just tell her right from wrong!! What good is saying something without truth to back up the idea?

So I wait, in a big huge ugly Grey Area.  Wait to know what is going to happen with my body.  In the mean time I look forward to the days with Hannah and more growing and learning on both our parts.

♥♥♥♥♥

Non-update Update

Sooooo.....

My "tell-all-details-as-soon-as-possible!!!" side of me has a very difficult time writing this "update".  Several people have asked me if I got a positive test from this morning.

I can't tell you.  I took a test, actually I took 3 of them.  (Got rid of the last two Internet cheapies. Hey why not?).  I have results but I have sworn myself and my husband I wouldn't tell announce anything on my Blog just yet.  I will say that I am somewhat neutral right now...if that tells you anything.

Eric hid my tests today, he almost left for work without hiding them.  Then he grabbed them and went out into the garage with them. I had to stop him because the freezing temperatures we're having at night I am sure aren't compatible with these products.

Want to hear something pathetic?  This totally confirms my addiction.  After Eric left I found myself trying to mentally tally the dollars in my purse because the Dollar Tree has pregnancy tests.  Uhhh yeah!  Terrible right?  After I realized what I was doing I stopped right then and I didn't have the urge for the rest of the day.  Actually I found it quite freeing not having a test around to wonder about while my thoughts turn in circles of hope, then logic, then hope, then logic...it sucks and it is an emotional/mental roller coaster I want off of.  I got off of it today!! Yay ME! :)

I will test on Tuesday morning again.  But, with my new found mental freedom I might wait until Wednesday morning because that is Cycle Day 28 and the day before my expected period.  If by then I do not have signs of Aunt Flo then I know I should take a test.  It seems most logical to me. Can I do it though? Can I wait that long?  We'll see.  The more signs of A.F. the more reluctant I am to test.  If I don't start spotting by Tuesday night I will be soooooo very antsy for Wednesday AM.

On a totally unrelated (sorta, maybe not really) note, I have lost 6 pounds.  I equate that last pound gone to the Metformin.  I have now been on the 1000mg/day dose for several days and overall I am very satisfied with the results.  I am not having near as much trouble with it as I was last round.  I am taking both tablets at night before bed.  I can now recommend that others try the same thing and see if you don't feel better than taking one twice a day.

Random thought alert: My boobs hurt a lot.  They are aching even as I am sitting here typing.  Last night they were hurting laying in bed when I wasn't moving.  When I was pregnant with Hannah I had that problem to a certain extent.  But I don't remember really how it felt.  When I was pregnant in May, one of my first signs I should test was the absence of breast pain before my period. What could be more confusing than that?

Oh Yay!  I just thought of something totally unrelated to my own saga of TTCing.  Now I will talk about one of my Rabbits who TTC'd a couple weeks ago.  I confirmed pregnancy yesterday.  I could feel her babies moving and rolling inside her.  Yes, I AM living vicariously through my rabbit.  LOL!  So I will have cute baby bunnies to love on in about two weeks.  I am very, very excited and looking forward to them.  I just hope this doe is as good of a first time Mommy as her own Mother was.