Black, White, and Grey

I am not a patient person, I have said so before.  My Mom really knows this about me.  She and I were talking on the phone today and I told her I don't think my Trying to Conceive journey has made me any more patient of a person as I was before.  She quickly agreed with me, possibly a little too quickly LOL!!

What I am trying to say is I seem to have several more weeks or months to wait in my journey.  I don't think I will suddenly become this uber patient person during this time either.  As I thought about ways I have changed in the last few years I can say with all honesty is I have become more patient.  Just not patient about becoming pregnant.

I am more patient with people in my life.  This holds especially true for our daughter, Hannah.  She has taught me, through love and out of love for her, to be a kinder, gentler version of my Pre-Mommy self.  No one else could cause me to bend like she has.  My husband has gentled me a little too, but not nearly in the same degree.

I am a Black-and-White thinker and reactor.  I used to have NO grey areas in my ideas, reactions, interactions, ect.  Grey scared me, made me very uncomfortable.  I might even say a grey area made me very insecure.  I didn't care for the feelings Grey Areas force me to feel. It was icky.

As I get older there's a lot more Grey Area room inside my heart and mind.  Grey Areas are areas of tolerance, acceptance, softness, humility, and forgiveness within my heart.  Grey Areas are still areas I struggle with every day.  I am still a Black-and-Whiter, it is who I was born to be.  At times it's been a learning curve that has hurt me terribly, I have carried wounds and acted like a victim because other people thrust their Grey Areas into my life.  At times Grey has been hated!!

I have learned to enjoy the Grey Areas sometimes.  Hannah has helped me so much with this.  Children are naturally more Black-and-White than grey thinkers, even if their personalities tend towards grey in the long run.  For Hannah I have had to teach her patience, which is a huge Grey Area usually.  Funny how when you teach someone else something you usually learn more about it than they do.

I see so much of my way of thinking in my daughter.  Some flattering and some not so much.  I hope she can grow up with a fondness for the Grey Areas in life, but be a steadfast Black-and-Whiter when she needs to be.  What I pray for her is a balance of the two.

I have learned patience through watching her grow.  By the Grace of God I have not forced so much Black-and-White upon her as my instincts tell me to (of course with some meaningful acceptions).  It is a struggle sometimes, to be patient when she has something or done something wrong.  I have to teach her, not just tell her right from wrong!! What good is saying something without truth to back up the idea?

So I wait, in a big huge ugly Grey Area.  Wait to know what is going to happen with my body.  In the mean time I look forward to the days with Hannah and more growing and learning on both our parts.

♥♥♥♥♥

Happy New Year

I already said it.  This is my new year to make my blog more awesome (and consistent) than it is now.  I really want to set a goal of at least one blog entry a week.  This is my diary, kinda.  If you already read this regularly you know that I post a lot of very personal thoughts and feelings here.  Now is the time for you to bail if you don't like it.  This next year will be pivotal for me and my family.  It has to be, what would life be without conflict, resolution of conflict, lots of happy and sad times?

So this is my first blog of 2012.

On my mind right now?  Laundry, house work, parenting...getting pregnant again.  This is on the forefront of my mind.  We have been actively trying to get pregnant, officially, now for 2 years.  That's 23 months of disappointment.  It would be 24 months except I was pregnant this spring but miscarried at about 6-7 weeks. 

My husband was on a drug for about a year that kept him from producing sperm.  It took three months for his sperm production to get back to normal after stopping the drug.  That first month I could have gotten pregnant I did.  I chose to have a "natural" miscarriage, meaning I didn't go for medical care during the physical portion of the miscarriage.  In lay terms I aborted the fetus and other tissues at home without any help from my doctor.  I could have opted for a D & C but I didn't want that.

My cycle didn't seem normal (but what is normal with PCOS?) for the next couple months and I was having a lot of problems with pain.  I ended up with a D & C after all, along with a polyp-ectomy surgery.  Now I am two full cycles past my surgery and wondering if I should "let nature take its course" and "forgetting about trying to conceive" or do we go for more medical intervention?

Financially it makes sense to give it a few months.  And as I write this out and also discuss on FB with friends, it seems to make sense for Eric and I to wait a couple more cycles and try on our own.  I am one of the most impatient people in the world.  Since we have been trying for two years my patience is wearing thin, as is my emotional state surrounding pregnancy.

Not just me being pregnant but others pregnancies too.  The more I want it the harder it is for me to see others pregnant.  I allow my fears of not being pregnant again to make me feel anxious and upset.

I am getting to the point where I do not want to hear of others being pregnant.  I don't feel like I am jealous -- I do not covet their pregnancy, baby, ect.  I just would really like to have my own.  And I wonder, quite honestly, if God wants us to have another baby.

I have been praying a lot about if I am even supposed to have another.  If not, then what I am supposed to do?  I really always pictured myself with several kids, especially after we had Hannah.  Is she supposed to be sibling free?  I have a lot of good things I could do for others if I don't have another child.  I can be a Mom to Hannah while having a lot of time to do other stuff.  I could serve a lot of people and God with that time.  I feel like if I am not meant to have more kids then God must have another mission for me.  I just have NO CLUE what it could be. LOL!