Meanwhile...At Our House.....

Hannah's in bed now so I thought I would try and come up with some kind of interesting blog entry.  Not sure if this will be interesting.  More realistically this will be, as most of these are, my diary of sorts to put my own thoughts and memories down.

I am 19 and half weeks pregnant now.  That is significant in that on Sunday I will be half way through this pregnancy.  Only 20-22 weeks before we get to meet our new little one and our family will grow by one soul who will be so cherished. 

I had some scary moments again a couple weeks ago when I was at work and started bleeding bright red with clotting.  I was also having some pretty intense cramping and pressure low in my uterus.  It stopped that day, but by that weekend it had resumed (but not as bad) then that Saturday I woke up with a lot of flow and got really scared.  Ok, enough messing around.  I called Niki, my midwife, and my Husband and went to the Dr.

Fast forward to now and I am doing really well. No bleeding and no long contractions.

(...I just looked and I already talked extensively about that with my last entry...so we'll be moving on.)

On a sad note I was "let go" on one of my care giving jobs.  I'd really like to say a lot about that, but I know I shouldn't.  Basically since I was gone for two weeks, which is only two shifts on that job, the family wanted to not "disrupt" their Mom with the other caregivers and had already filled my position.  I am glad it wasn't a performance issue, and I am happy to say that I was asked to do another different kind of job with the family.  Not sure how best to describe the position, but kind of like a personal assistant kind of thing.  Frankly it was rather vague.  Whatever it is or was I am NOT interested because I am not a personal assistant, my hours of availability are very limited and I don't think for what they want me to be doing I would be able to get the same number of hours.  I am pretty bummed out because that job gave us the means to put away savings for the time when I have the baby.  So I will be seeking out new employment.  Ok, again, moving on...biting my tongue on this subject.

I think I have said before that this baby is very, very, did I say VERY? Active!!  A few nights ago I was laying in bed and wanted to see if I could feel baby from the outside. Sure enough!  I'm laying in bed in complete darkness laughing because I was shocked-amazed-joyful at feeling the baby kick me very soundly and feel it on the outside.  Eric asked me why I was laughing.  So I told him.  He replied, "hmm."  LOL.  Too sleepy to respond much. But I was having fun, just Baby and I.

Baby is kicking me right now in fact. I guess he/she doesn't want me to forget to talk about him/her.

Hannah is increasingly interested in my belly and talking to it, and rubbing it, and tickling "baby", and she is certain she can hear the baby "trying to get out".  She is really hearing my food digesting, but to her the baby is responding to her questions and comments she shouts into my belly button.  She likes to pat my "fat tummy".  She might even have made it jiggle a few times and made me blush..maybe.

Last night she was saying goodnight to baby and doing her ritual of listening and telling me baby is trying to get out.  She said she could hear Baby kicking and attempting to make a break from the womb.  I said, "What does it sound like."  Thinking she would make some kind of silly sound.  She proceeded to cock one leg back and kick me hard three times in the shin.  "It sounds just like that, Mommy."  I laughed really hard and contemplated kicking her back.  Not really....well maybe for a split second.  It did hurt.  But it was really too funny.  Next time I will have to make sure to ask her what it sounds like and to mimic the noise verbally!!

Absolutely NOT Motivated to Blog...so here we go.

I don't know why I was so stupid as to post that I'd do "at lest weekly" blogs at the beginning of the year.  I have failed miserably at that announcement.  I won't do that again.

I don't know why I haven't wanted to blog.  Partially I guess because this pregnancy has consumed me.  Second is there's a LOT going on with my pregnancy but so much of it is more personal that I *should* share and I am trying to respect my Eric's desire for me not to share everything about this.  After all, me being pregnant has everything to do with him.

I am kind of in a bit of a funky mood today.  I'll give a little backgrounds so you might understand why.  First, I am now 17 weeks pregnant today!!  Made it into the second trimester -- so that means I have from 23-25 weeks to go.  We are due from mid September to mid October.  Hoping to give Eric his second child on his birthday in early October though. (that would be sooo awesome!)

So back to my mood and why.  I've had bleeding during the first several weeks of this pregnancy and up to week 11. I was discharged from High Risk and my Reproductive OB @ week 12.  He said I was free to find a new provider.  Well to be frankly honest he said I was free to find a new Ob/Gyn.  I didn't get a Ob/Gyn I opted instead for a Midwife.  After literally over a year of talking to Eric about a midwife he finally said he was comfortable with the idea.  So after a lot of personal referals from friends I found Niki, CPM.  Thus far she is really great and we like her a lot.

Last week I started bleeding again, out of the blue when I was at work.  Scary, bright red, fresh.  Over the next few days I continued some mild spotting.  Then again on Friday I had more fresh blood.  I had called Midwife Niki and talked to her several times.  We were on the same page that I should get a good detailed ultrasound -- but if it gets worse I should go to the ER.  So Saturday morning Hannah wakes me up as normal. I didn't feel right.  I mean I kinda felt like I had peed myself, or water had broken, OR that I was bleeding a lot.

Sure enough, bleeding quite a bit.  There was no question in my mind where I was going to be that day. So after a shower, and dropping Hannah off at my good friends house, (and some crying and freaking out) I was at Labor and Delivery Triage at a good hospital near me.

I felt a little like a hypochondriac laying in the bed, attached to the monitors for contractions, with nurses in and out of the room.  I know really, that going was the right thing to do.  But as Eric and I sat there, listening to the more "real" issues other women were having I felt bad for taking up the bed. *small rant alert*  Oh, and I find it really embarrassing that I have two legs that work just fine but they insisted in making me sit in a wheelchair while some poor aide had to push me through seemingly endless hallways until I got to my room!

So I was examined, blood was taken, and we had a useless quickie ultrasound to check the babies heart beat (which was already found by the nurse with a Doppler-- oh yes, and since I can feel baby moving I knew baby was alive anyway). I was not having contractions.  The bleeding had pretty much stopped by the time the Doctor took a look.  He scoffed at me having a Midwife, which I was mentally prepared for, but really it did irritate me.  He even went so far as to tell me that my Reproductive OB would be -- in his own words -- "offended that you chose to use a lay midwife after he let you go from his care." Ugh.  Whatever.  Obviously if I need a higher level of care for this pregnancy than a midwife can provide I'll have a regular Ob/Gyn.  But that has yet to be determined.

Ultimately I was put on modified bed rest for two weeks, pending detailed ultrasound for sometime this week (to be determined).  Modified bed rest doesn't sound so bad, unless you read really what it entails.  The only real difference between that and strict bed rest is that you can still do things like take daily showers and like, wipe down counters and fold laundry.  Other than that I am not supposed to do a dang thing.  I guess I am a bad patient because I really hate this.

Today I decided my tomato plants and roses needed watering so I had Hannah pull the hose for me and she helped me water, but even that was too much and I was cramping and bleeding from it.  Soooooooooooooo annoying!!  So that is why I am in a kinda bad mood because I really don't know how I can really be effective doing anything much. Plus I cannot work which puts us at a bad spot financially. *grumble...grumble...*

I know it is what is best for me and the baby. I know that.  But it is harder than you think -- suddenly being very restricted in your activities, even down to the most normal things.

Return to Blogging.

So I totally broke my only New Years resolution to blog weekly.  I've broken that x 4 or a little more than that.  It's been more than a month since I last blogged. But I'm back, hopefully, to do my weekly (or more) blog entries.

First off last entry I left you with a promise of a blog entry that I was going to do kinda like a diary.  Well I only got a few days into that and then stopped.  But for good reason.

As many of you know I am pregnant!!  10 weeks today to be exact.  All of those OPK's, vitamins, and most importantly God allowed us to get it just right two and half months ago.  In the past 8 weeks we've had some scary moments.  I started bleeding again and of course my mind immediately assumed another miscarriage.  Odd thing about my feelings though is that, while I cried about the last pregnancy ending so badly, I didn't realize quite how scared I was of it happening again. The moment I saw pink on the toilet paper I burst into tears, nearly having a panic attack.  I called Eric crying so hard that he couldn't even understand me on the phone.  Poor Husband, he thought something horrible had happened to Hannah.

I was at my Dr. office the next day for an ultrasound.  While we didn't see Baby at that point we did see the gestational sac and it looked perfect, measuring exactly right for my ovulation date (which I knew for sure thanks to the OPKs).  My Dr. didn't see any bleeding in the uterus or in the cervix, to which he said that some spotting was common in early pregnancy and that this pregnancy looked very good, blah blah, blah.  He was very optimistic about this time, which he wasn't last time.  They took blood and decided to put me on oral Progesterone because I was on the low end of normal and they were just being cautious.  My blood work has come back very good each time.

I've lost a total of 12 pounds, I give most of that credit to the Metformin I am on.  I have not weight myself in a while again so I'll give it a look in a day or two.  I know I will gain more weight again as the pregnancy progresses but I am excited to see if I an maintain a low weight gain.  I'm not supposed to gain more than 10-15 pounds because of my BMI as it is...we'll see.

So far this pregnancy has gone more smoothly than Hannah's did.  My morning sickness has been minimal, on and off for the first four weeks.  And now it's pretty much gone.  I am not as exhausted with this one as I was with Hannah.  That doesn't mean I am not tired or ever sick, it just means it is better.  I am taking naps with Hannah about 4 days a week, sometimes more.  I ♥ taking naps with her.

It's Sunday, not only does that mean Church, but my other love: The Walking Dead.  We've recorded it and Eric is chomping at the bit to get it started.  He showered which is the ONLY reason it's not on and I have not abandoned this sooner!  TTFN xoxo

Kindle and Kindle

For Christmas my Husband got me an Android Media Pad (or Notebook).  I have been wanting a Kindle every since I was able to accept the fact that it would, indeed, be more convenient.  Books can be very expensive.  I love books.  Love everything about them, the crispness of the paper, the cracking sound of when you first open a brand new book, the smoothness of the pages, and the way I can get totally lost in a story.  And of course I love the smell.  As I was growing up there were two kinds of stores I loved and could consider owning when I grew up.  One was a book store, the other a feed store.  Both of those places I love for their smell.

Anyway, you probably get my point. I love to read.  Technology takes me time to grow to like.  But once I decided I wanted an E-book Reader I really wanted one badly.  I am so glad Eric got me this one.  It was less expensive than a Kindle, but has a lot of neat things you can do on it, besides read.

I just finished reading a book I have wanted to read since it came out this year: The Land of the Painted Caves, by Jean M. Auel.  I have read every other book in the Earth's Children Series starting when I was 9 years old.  To my sadness this was the last book in the series.  I hate when I get towards the ending of a book, it gives me actual anxiety -- weird? Yes I know.  Since this was the last book in the series I was really quite agitated by the time I got to the last chapter.  It was good but I have a touch of disappointment with the ending.  It felt incomplete to me and felt as if Mr. Auel was in a hurry to be done with it.  Part of me feels like she may even write another book.  If she doesn't I really hope a good movie team picks up the series.  It would make great film if they stayed true to the story enough.

I have been trying to occupy my mind lately with other things besides pregnancy, conceiving, blah, blah, blah.  It gets tiresome after several months and I always have to take a break from it.

Speaking of babies :) I have a rabbit ready to kindle (LOL just realised why I like the name of the Kindle Ebook reader).  She is a Champagne D'argent doe -- a meat breed.  This breed is a French heritage breed, they are not commercial rabbits but produce a nice large, meaty carcass at about 8-12 weeks of age.  I have been very happy with this breed.  My buck is a New Zealand and mixing the two has been a great choice because the babies grow even faster and are very heavy by an early age.  They are beautiful too.  Anyhow, this doe is a doe I chose to keep back from my very first litter of meat rabbits.  She is a pure Champagne and I loved her Mother, who was a very good Mother and easy keeper from the first time she had a litter.  I kept this doe back out of three to choose from, she was the most physically balanced of the three does, and the heaviest at her age.  She has not disappointed me with her growth.

I put her nest box in with her today.  I was "smart" and lined it thickly with newspaper because the nest box is metal and it is not the warmest weather of the year.

I just went out to check my little lady and to my delight she is nesting, to my chagrin she has chosen to nest outside of the box.  The only thing she has found use of the box is the newspaper which she has uniformly shredded and placed in the opposite corner along with a bunch of hay.  I admit I am impressed with now neatly the newspaper was shredded, but wish she would have chosen the box.  I am slightly concerned that she might have eaten some of the newspaper as she was making an exaggerated chewing motion the entire time I was picking out the paper.  It may be because she is in early labor though.  I moved the nest box to her chosen corner (which is also her potty corner dang-it!).  I added another several handfuls of hay and she immediately started rebuilding her nest inside the box.  It is rather cute to see her gathering huge mouthfuls of hay and carrying them around and placing them so carefully inside the box.  Then she rearranges it.  I will go check on her a couple more times tonight in hopes to catch her before she starts to kindle.  If she has those babies outside that box they have no hope.  It is not unusual for a first time momma rabbit to have her babies "on the wire" -- anywhere outside of the insulated nest box.  They die quickly, being born with nearly no hair and quite helpless.

I am finding this new mother stuff with the rabbits to be a little stressful.  This breeding took two months and a lot of time to complete.  Miss Bunny wasn't cooperating with our buck, despite his best efforts to woo her.  The second month was better and I've known she was pregnant for the past two weeks when I could first feel her babies moving around in her tummy.

I will probably wake up at least once during the night to go check on her too.  I really don't want to have to dispose of a whole litter of them in the morning.  If I can save them I will.  They are food, but until they are in my freezer I really care about them and feel terrible when one dies outside of slaughter for consumption.

Just Another Blog Post :)

I have noooo idea what to blog about today.  This might be one of my worse blog entries, we'll see how this goes.

I am all alone in my house, that is a miracle that doesn't happen that often.  Since Hannah is in preschool I guess it happens about twice a week, sometimes less, but never more.  Eric is home taking his last few days of vacation before the-powers-that-be start a new vacation accruing year and the time starts over.  You'd think that would happen on January 1st, but it doesn't in large companies.  I have no idea why.

Hubby has been home with me for several days and we are really enjoying our time together.  He is happy and so are Hannah and I.  Last night she asked if she could sleep with us.  This is the first time this has ever come up.  Part of me was thinking, "yay!! I'd love to have your little warm body next to me all night, being able to smell you and snuggle you. It would be soooo fun to wake up to you."  And part of me was like, "Heck NO!  between your father snoring and you kicking me I wouldn't get a second of real sleep."  When I told Hannah to ask Eric he dutifully told her "no".  But the part of me that wanted her to sleep with us was stronger than the other part and I was a touch disappointed with his answer. 

I really want to be eating something very very spicy and a touch sweet right now.  The thought of Thai food makes me mouth water so much I think I might need to wear a bib.

Speaking of food, I am considering adding a separate tab just to blog about my cooking and my recipes.  I recently made Hummus for the first time, home made and it was the best I have ever had!!  I didn't have fresh parsley to add to it, but I had dried.  My dilemma was that dried parsley doesn't taste anything like fresh....however...I did have dried basil, which, if used sparingly, is a pretty close scent and flavor to fresh parsley.  So I ended up putting a little dried parsley and basil (just a touch though) and also modified the recipe by adding some fresh lemon zest. -- I am a certified lemon-holic!!! -- Much to my delight I loved it.  Everyone at the potluck seemed to love it too.  The entire thing was gone by the end of the evening.  It was a tad heavy on the garlic though, but honestly it grew on me.  I think I might use less next time and compare notes.

Cooking is a hobby for me and I really love it.  Sometimes I get sick of it because it is such an every day thing.  But I can keep myself interested by trying new recipes or changing old ones.

I also have a surprise blog entry that won't be ready for a while, it will be a running commentary over the next couple weeks.  It will be kinda like a more specific blow-by-blow, thought-by-thought kind of thing.  Stay tuned for that :)

P.S. Spellcheck makes me laugh. I just love some of the suggested words they have on here.  It dinged me on "holic" after the word lemon.  And the list of suggested words for holic were: colic, Hollie, hoick (what is that??), holli, and helix. *laugh my butt off*

Black, White, and Grey

I am not a patient person, I have said so before.  My Mom really knows this about me.  She and I were talking on the phone today and I told her I don't think my Trying to Conceive journey has made me any more patient of a person as I was before.  She quickly agreed with me, possibly a little too quickly LOL!!

What I am trying to say is I seem to have several more weeks or months to wait in my journey.  I don't think I will suddenly become this uber patient person during this time either.  As I thought about ways I have changed in the last few years I can say with all honesty is I have become more patient.  Just not patient about becoming pregnant.

I am more patient with people in my life.  This holds especially true for our daughter, Hannah.  She has taught me, through love and out of love for her, to be a kinder, gentler version of my Pre-Mommy self.  No one else could cause me to bend like she has.  My husband has gentled me a little too, but not nearly in the same degree.

I am a Black-and-White thinker and reactor.  I used to have NO grey areas in my ideas, reactions, interactions, ect.  Grey scared me, made me very uncomfortable.  I might even say a grey area made me very insecure.  I didn't care for the feelings Grey Areas force me to feel. It was icky.

As I get older there's a lot more Grey Area room inside my heart and mind.  Grey Areas are areas of tolerance, acceptance, softness, humility, and forgiveness within my heart.  Grey Areas are still areas I struggle with every day.  I am still a Black-and-Whiter, it is who I was born to be.  At times it's been a learning curve that has hurt me terribly, I have carried wounds and acted like a victim because other people thrust their Grey Areas into my life.  At times Grey has been hated!!

I have learned to enjoy the Grey Areas sometimes.  Hannah has helped me so much with this.  Children are naturally more Black-and-White than grey thinkers, even if their personalities tend towards grey in the long run.  For Hannah I have had to teach her patience, which is a huge Grey Area usually.  Funny how when you teach someone else something you usually learn more about it than they do.

I see so much of my way of thinking in my daughter.  Some flattering and some not so much.  I hope she can grow up with a fondness for the Grey Areas in life, but be a steadfast Black-and-Whiter when she needs to be.  What I pray for her is a balance of the two.

I have learned patience through watching her grow.  By the Grace of God I have not forced so much Black-and-White upon her as my instincts tell me to (of course with some meaningful acceptions).  It is a struggle sometimes, to be patient when she has something or done something wrong.  I have to teach her, not just tell her right from wrong!! What good is saying something without truth to back up the idea?

So I wait, in a big huge ugly Grey Area.  Wait to know what is going to happen with my body.  In the mean time I look forward to the days with Hannah and more growing and learning on both our parts.

♥♥♥♥♥

Non-update Update

Sooooo.....

My "tell-all-details-as-soon-as-possible!!!" side of me has a very difficult time writing this "update".  Several people have asked me if I got a positive test from this morning.

I can't tell you.  I took a test, actually I took 3 of them.  (Got rid of the last two Internet cheapies. Hey why not?).  I have results but I have sworn myself and my husband I wouldn't tell announce anything on my Blog just yet.  I will say that I am somewhat neutral right now...if that tells you anything.

Eric hid my tests today, he almost left for work without hiding them.  Then he grabbed them and went out into the garage with them. I had to stop him because the freezing temperatures we're having at night I am sure aren't compatible with these products.

Want to hear something pathetic?  This totally confirms my addiction.  After Eric left I found myself trying to mentally tally the dollars in my purse because the Dollar Tree has pregnancy tests.  Uhhh yeah!  Terrible right?  After I realized what I was doing I stopped right then and I didn't have the urge for the rest of the day.  Actually I found it quite freeing not having a test around to wonder about while my thoughts turn in circles of hope, then logic, then hope, then logic...it sucks and it is an emotional/mental roller coaster I want off of.  I got off of it today!! Yay ME! :)

I will test on Tuesday morning again.  But, with my new found mental freedom I might wait until Wednesday morning because that is Cycle Day 28 and the day before my expected period.  If by then I do not have signs of Aunt Flo then I know I should take a test.  It seems most logical to me. Can I do it though? Can I wait that long?  We'll see.  The more signs of A.F. the more reluctant I am to test.  If I don't start spotting by Tuesday night I will be soooooo very antsy for Wednesday AM.

On a totally unrelated (sorta, maybe not really) note, I have lost 6 pounds.  I equate that last pound gone to the Metformin.  I have now been on the 1000mg/day dose for several days and overall I am very satisfied with the results.  I am not having near as much trouble with it as I was last round.  I am taking both tablets at night before bed.  I can now recommend that others try the same thing and see if you don't feel better than taking one twice a day.

Random thought alert: My boobs hurt a lot.  They are aching even as I am sitting here typing.  Last night they were hurting laying in bed when I wasn't moving.  When I was pregnant with Hannah I had that problem to a certain extent.  But I don't remember really how it felt.  When I was pregnant in May, one of my first signs I should test was the absence of breast pain before my period. What could be more confusing than that?

Oh Yay!  I just thought of something totally unrelated to my own saga of TTCing.  Now I will talk about one of my Rabbits who TTC'd a couple weeks ago.  I confirmed pregnancy yesterday.  I could feel her babies moving and rolling inside her.  Yes, I AM living vicariously through my rabbit.  LOL!  So I will have cute baby bunnies to love on in about two weeks.  I am very, very excited and looking forward to them.  I just hope this doe is as good of a first time Mommy as her own Mother was.

Intervention Needed

I have an addiction, it is a very hard thing to admit. 

*stands up*

"Hello, my name is Jamie B. and I am addicted to peeing in a cup, then testing it for anything related to getting pregnant."

*sits down*

Anyone nodding their heads in understanding?  Anyone laughing? Good, you're supposed to.  However this is really a serious thing for me.  Eric told me tonight that I am a bonafied testing addict.

I tested today.  And got a test line visible, but I am not sure if it is a positive or an evaporation line.  Evap lines are really common and I have had them before...but this line does look a bit different to me.  We shall see tomorrow.  I got some of the good tests -- as I type that I picture myself telling you that in a dark alley with shifty eyes.  All drug dealer-ish.  These are the highest rated tests on the market. No Internet cheapies this time.  And I will take one tomorrow morning.

Here's where I have made strides in my addiction.  While purchasing "the goods", I decided I needed some help.  Like I told Eric tonight -- I have NO self control, if there is a test in the house I have to take it.  It's bad!!  Not only am I wasting money, but I am just setting myself up for failure by testing too early.  It is a roller-coaster of emotions, and more often than not, I just end up wanting to cry when I finally get Aunt Flo.  It is very difficult to feel like you're doing everything right, only to have a negative outcome month, after month, after month, after month......

So my decision is this: After tomorrows test I have asked Eric to hide the rest.  I will not go looking for them.  I know this because he always tells me where he puts my holiday/birthday gifts and I have never looked at them.  But if I know they are unavailable I will be able to focus on other things.  I will be free.

It is pretty pathetic that at 32 years old I cannot control my lust for peeing in a cup.  So I resort to this step of self-intervention...*sigh*

I will let you know how the test comes out in the morning some time. :)

Heartburn Makes Me Blog..or Barf

It's been a few days since I felt like blogging.  I have to be "in the mood" in order to feel effective.  I'm not really in the mood now.  No, rather I am killing time because I have seriously bad heartburn and know that laying down will only make it worse.

So here I sit.  I do not really have an update of much use on me trying to conceive (TTC).  I have now been on the Metformin for six days.  I have only had three days of digestive upset (aka: diarrhea) and those weren't as bad as I had remembered it being. Though, I almost want to slap my own hand for typing that because I suspect that I don't remember much of being on this dose and the horrors of the increased dosage will be made clear tomorrow when I take two in one day.  Lovely.  I have not decided if I am going to take both at once or space them 12 hours apart.  Last time I spaced them, I see no need in doing that again really, so I will be my own guinea pig.  I'll surely let you all know how it goes.

I have no pregnancy symptoms. I am only 3 days past ovulation.  I am considering Sunday to be the O day, because I got the positive OPK on Saturday morning.  This is, of course, just an educated guess.  I am really tired the last two days and sick to my stomach.  But I know that it is just the Metformin.  I can take a test really any day after tomorrow.  Seems early doesn't it?  Why, yes you are right.  My secret?  I have 5 pregnancy tests that can detect as little as 10 something-somethings (I cannot remember the until of measurement in this right now) in your pee as opposed to the 25+ something-somethings that the regular pregnancy test can read.  They measure the units of HCG or Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (human grown hormone) in the urine, anything above a measure of 5 is considered pregnant. However to get an accurate test below 10 can only be done by a blood check.  So I guess what I am trying to say is these tests are the next best thing to a blood draw. 

Long story short is I can test earlier than the 10-14 day wait.  But, and this is a big "but" -- I don't think I will test as early as they say I can.  This is because I want to know for sure, not just take a test and go in denial about the results... because that happens nearly every month.... And I am sick of it.  I want to know the first test I take. But, lets be real here.  I will take a minimum of two tests.  I accept that.  I'd just like to, for once, just wait for my period without peeing on a stick the day before, day of, and day after.  Besides, I cannot seem to aim at all and I always get my hand wet.  LOL Just kidding.  No, I USED to always get my hand wet. Now?  I pee in a cup.  Ha ha!  Now I only get the cup all wet.  Don't laugh now, it is a step in the right direction....really.

Postive Signs and Stuff

Diving right into the most exciting part of my day (so far..).  I got a positive on my Ovulation Predictor today (OPK).  I wasn't sure so I posted a couple of pictures on my Facebook hoping that some of my TTC and in-the-know friends would be able to tell me if I was looking at a positive.  The top OPK is from my first morning urine from yesterday, cycle day 15. The middle one is from my 3pm test.  Both are negative.  But the last one is from this morning's FMU and the test line showed up before the control line LOL.  It is positive for ovulation!!!  That means in the next 12-48 hours I should be ovulating.

This isn't the first cycle I have tried these tests.  I tried the first year we were TTCing.  I don't know if I ever got a positive or not, but I have one murky memory of thinking I did.  Of course I didn't get pregnant because of my Stud Muffin's little drug.  Moving on before a rant over takes me....

So I guess we shall see if I am pregnant in about 12 days.  I will count tomorrow as my ovulation date to be on the safe side and I will take my test about ten days later.

The Metformin seems to be working, or at least I am responding to it in the obvious ways I was before.  My stomach has been slightly unhappy since yesterday morning.  Then it was slightly more unhappy this morning.  Both mornings have required a sudden trip the the bathroom.  You guess what happened.  I will say, on a positive note, that I made the right choice by taking it at night because I am not quite as sick on this as I was.  But next week when I start the 500mg. BID I might be complaining to beat the band.  Wait, not, I won't be "might", no I WILL be.  I know it, you know it too.

I am still having a good rush of energy and I continue getting my house in order.  Today my goal was to finish Hannah's room project.  That has included putting in her new bookshelf, cleaning out her closet and organizing her clothes that fit and don't fit.  Taking all clothing out of her dresser and putting anything away that doesn't fit.  I am almost finished.

We have a birthday party to go to this afternoon.  I have to go and get a card for the little boy, that means I don't have to cook dinner.  This will be a FFYS dinner tonight for Eric (Fend For Yourself). LOL I am happy!

Today in Jamie Land

I am listening to Eric and Hannah play My Little Ponies together.  Eric is so wonderful with her and to her.  She eats up his play time and talks about it the next day.  They are so in love. ♥

I have been reading some other Blogs the last few days.  One trend I enjoy is the "Currently" thing where you have a list of things you are currently seeing/hearing/thinking/feeling/hoping, ect.  I am considering doing this too, though, to be honest I would feel just like a "follower" so I hesitate.  I never liked that feeling, unless I know exactly where I am being led.  Which makes me think about the less-than-glorious aspects of who I am.  Next topic. ;)

I went back on Metformin tonight. I am starting out on 500 mg./ day for the next seven days.  If you care to know what this drug does see here: Metformin and PCOS .  I am going to lose weight fairly easily on this drug as it controls my Insulin Resistance and High Testosterone issues.  Metformin also blocks a percentage of carbohydrates from going from my digestive system to my blood system.  One of the side effects is it makes you (me) sick as a dog while my body gets used to it....so there is another way I will lose weight -- I won't be over eating at all.

After seven days on 500 mg./day I will up to 500 mg. BID, a week after that I'll take two 500 mg. once a day and then one 500 mg. 12 hours later.  Then, yep you guessed it, I go on two 500 mg. twice daily.

>> One note here: The last time I was on this drug was the same month I got pregnant.  I don't know if it was a contributing factor or not.  I got this Rx on the 19th of May and found out I was pregnant on May 31st.  I don't know if it will work that quickly, I have a feeling it doesn't, seeing how I was still on the lower doses when I got pregnant. We'll see though.

I have been feeling very, very crampy today.  Ovaries and uterus giving me fits.  I have no clue if this is a sign of impending ovulation or just cysts that are gracing me with their presence.  It could be both.  I DO know that it hurts and I say to myself, "Oh my ovaries!!"  It hurts.  Since I have trying so hard to get pregnant I am resisting most medications I would normally be ok with taking. I hesitate to take ibuprofen, acetaminophen, or allergy tabs.  This afternoon after sneezing 5 times in about two minutes I did take a Claritin. It helped a lot.

I started taking pictures of my OPK (ovulation predictors).  I think that this is cycle day 14 for me and I took a test with my first morning urine and then again after a 4 hour bathroom fast.  I will post pictures of my cycle in urine sticks when my cycle ends so that you all can see what I am looking and and looking for.  Aren't you excited?? I know you are LOL.

Its 8:05 PM on a crispy North West night.  Hannah is now watching Wonder Pets behind me and giggling.  Eric is in the shower.  I feel good.  I love my family so much, Eric, Hannah and those that extend far, blood relative or not.

Our Decisions for Fertility

Eric and I had a talk the next day after my last entry.  Was that only day before yesterday?  Probably LOL.  Anyway, we had a very good discussion.

I first told him that we have some decisions to make, one of which being how long do we try on our own before going to "the next step".  He said 4 months, I was thinking more like 3.  So we compromised at 3 with the option of waiting one more month if we feel it would be beneficial. 
I explained to him what I will be doing to assist us in the best possible ways.  First I will be doing LH (Lutenizing Hormone) testing aka: Ovulation Predictor Kit, aka OPK.  LH is the hormone that your body produces in a surge in the 48-24 hours prior to ovulation.  They are cheap tests, I got 20 of them today for about $17.00. I can get them cheaper over the internet and I will probably go that route next month if it is needed.  Obviously when you have a positive LH surge on the test you will then "baby dance" (I cringe saying that phrase, it is the TTCer's lingo) on those next couple of days hoping to cover your ovulation.  I have actually used this test before, except it was inconclusive.  I actually don't think I ovulated that month and the month I was sure I got a positive Eric was still on that blasted anti-sperm drug!

In addition to the OPK I am going on Evening Primrose Oil again this month, I had been on it last month.  EPO is supposed to make your Cervical Mucus, or CM for short, more favorable for sperm and more abundant.  I have seen it working for me, at least in the abundance area.  The issue with this month is with all the stuff surrounding the Holidays I forgot to start taking it on time.  Usually I start on cycle day 5-7 and keep taking 1000mg of it until I am sure I am not ovulating.  Well..as sure as I can be with PCOS.  I am also taking a Prenatal Vitamin and Vitamin B.

I have cut down on my caffeine intake now.  I am slowly weaning myself off of one cup of coffee or tea a day down to only a half cup for the past two days.

I am starting on a better diet.  For me a better diet means pretty much one thing: I stop eating refined carbohydrates of sugar, white flour, ect.  My diet is actually very healthy otherwise.  Sugar is my downfall.  With my PCOS I have high insulin which makes me crave sugar in a very, VERY bad way.  But I can control it, and I have successfully done so in the past.  My diet is otherwise more healthy than average.  No or minimal fast food (we cannot really afford it anyway) and a lot of from-scratch cooking pretty much everything.  I am conservative with salt and use, nearly exclusively, fresh ingredients in my cooking.  We eat a lot of fresh veggies, lean meats, low fat dairy products and all of our store-bought bread is 100% whole wheat, as are most of our cereals, we eat brown rice and whole grain pasta.

Lets see what else?  I am starting to exercises again, I had been doing P90X Insanity (thank you Kay Sully!!) pretty well for a couple of weeks. But then I had to have surgery and never picked it back up.  I am starting to walk every day again.  I was supposed to start today but I forgot. Ugh!  I will start Insanity back up again after a couple of weeks of walking. I really need to start out slowly so I don't burn out.  My goal for weight loss is 15 pounds.  I have more to lose but I wanted to set a realistic and not-so-daunting goal.

I asked Eric if he would start taking his Fish Oil, which I read makes things "down there" more productive and/or better quality.  So he's taking 1000mg of high-quality fish oils a day.  Oh. And the funny part. Along with his fish oils yesterday I gave him on of my over-the-counter Prenatals. He asked me what it was and I told him.  He wasn't happy LOL!!!  He took it after I said it wouldn't do anything to him, but he only took it reluctantly.  He was still questioning me this morning.  *giggle* as if HE will get pregnant from taking them or something.

I feel really tired right now.  It is 8:10 PM and I've been awake since 7:30 AM.  I got a lot of stuff done today.  I have earned this night's rest.  Nite nite everyone. :)

Happy New Year

I already said it.  This is my new year to make my blog more awesome (and consistent) than it is now.  I really want to set a goal of at least one blog entry a week.  This is my diary, kinda.  If you already read this regularly you know that I post a lot of very personal thoughts and feelings here.  Now is the time for you to bail if you don't like it.  This next year will be pivotal for me and my family.  It has to be, what would life be without conflict, resolution of conflict, lots of happy and sad times?

So this is my first blog of 2012.

On my mind right now?  Laundry, house work, parenting...getting pregnant again.  This is on the forefront of my mind.  We have been actively trying to get pregnant, officially, now for 2 years.  That's 23 months of disappointment.  It would be 24 months except I was pregnant this spring but miscarried at about 6-7 weeks. 

My husband was on a drug for about a year that kept him from producing sperm.  It took three months for his sperm production to get back to normal after stopping the drug.  That first month I could have gotten pregnant I did.  I chose to have a "natural" miscarriage, meaning I didn't go for medical care during the physical portion of the miscarriage.  In lay terms I aborted the fetus and other tissues at home without any help from my doctor.  I could have opted for a D & C but I didn't want that.

My cycle didn't seem normal (but what is normal with PCOS?) for the next couple months and I was having a lot of problems with pain.  I ended up with a D & C after all, along with a polyp-ectomy surgery.  Now I am two full cycles past my surgery and wondering if I should "let nature take its course" and "forgetting about trying to conceive" or do we go for more medical intervention?

Financially it makes sense to give it a few months.  And as I write this out and also discuss on FB with friends, it seems to make sense for Eric and I to wait a couple more cycles and try on our own.  I am one of the most impatient people in the world.  Since we have been trying for two years my patience is wearing thin, as is my emotional state surrounding pregnancy.

Not just me being pregnant but others pregnancies too.  The more I want it the harder it is for me to see others pregnant.  I allow my fears of not being pregnant again to make me feel anxious and upset.

I am getting to the point where I do not want to hear of others being pregnant.  I don't feel like I am jealous -- I do not covet their pregnancy, baby, ect.  I just would really like to have my own.  And I wonder, quite honestly, if God wants us to have another baby.

I have been praying a lot about if I am even supposed to have another.  If not, then what I am supposed to do?  I really always pictured myself with several kids, especially after we had Hannah.  Is she supposed to be sibling free?  I have a lot of good things I could do for others if I don't have another child.  I can be a Mom to Hannah while having a lot of time to do other stuff.  I could serve a lot of people and God with that time.  I feel like if I am not meant to have more kids then God must have another mission for me.  I just have NO CLUE what it could be. LOL!

Can't sleep

So.  Here I sit, on the computer at 1:49 AM.  Too much going through my mind to sleep, I was too cold in bed anyway to get comfortable.

I am a bit bothered by something, actually a bit more than "bit" but not in a huge, dramatic way.  I'm not angry.  I think I am a bit puzzled, feelings might be a little hurt, I know I can say I am "irritated".

Since so many people close to me read this blog I will have to tread lightly by what I say about this.  I'm not about to bring something out in the open about someone I know on my blog.  But since it has everything to do with me I think its OK to, at least partially, talk about what's bothering me.

I think my main problem regarding this is that I am not naturally a very organized person.  I am getting better and learning to be though.  But it is a hard thing for me to do.  Just one of my many "flaws" I suppose.  But where I lack in that area, I make up for in other areas.  Do I sound defensive?  I guess maybe I do, but its not coming from a place with out some justification.

My real issue is that I feel like I have been spoken about to people regarding this "thing" without justification, or a real reason to say anything about it, except maybe to make conversation.  I don't care of someone needs to be informed of one of my bad habits, but please make it on a "need to know" basis.  Everyone get this clear?  I am very open about my flaws, more so than most people are.  And I am also pretty easy to talk to about said flaws, if you approach me with respect, love and some gentleness. 

Even when someone has said something not-so-great about my personality I don't immediately dismiss such a comment, especially from someone I respect.  Even if I find it to be untrue I still consider their position.

I think lately I have had some interesting interactions with people.  I say "interesting" in the way that I am scratching my head wondering why that person felt the need to say some specific things to me.  Then recently someone came right out and commented on my said personality flaw and little puzzle pieces dropped into place.  Ahhhh...NOWwwww I get it.  OK.  I suppose I should have seen that coming.

I had some insight from a good friend of mine.  They told me that this is a "boundary" issue between this person and I.  And I agree.  If I had addressed said comments/criticism when it started I would probably be asleep right now.  Touche.  This is paritally my fault. And IF I wasn't clear to begin with I will clarify now: Said personality flaw complaint isn't completely unjustified.

What is unjustified and unfair is the persistent feeling, lately, of having to watch what I say in avoidance of fueling this little fire against me.  It is unnatural for me to watch every thing I say to people I love and to have to guard my conversation.  I really don't appreciate that feeling.  And it's bothering me.  A lot.  To know me is to love me right?  Not in an arrogant way.  What I mean is isn't it OK to be yourself with close loved one's?  If someone knows me, and loves me, I should be accepted.

Especially since this issue at hand isn't a huge, life-interrupting issue.  It's not the end of the world, and really doesn't directly affect the person who seems most concerned with it.

OK, enough of that.

Tomorrow I have a job interview.  Looking forward to bringing in a bit more money to cushion our budget.  We are actually doing OK, but have such little wiggle room in our finances that it's difficult to maintain things as they are.  I really hope this works out and turns into a good position for me.  It is just part-time care-giving, a man who has early-stage Alzheimer's. 

I have also gotten two new dog training calls this week. Both of which have resulted in Behavior Evaluation appointments.  Why, yes, I did write them down.  Thank you for asking.  I have emails out with forms and paperwork and appointment times all set up.  One is in my home town and one is in Silverdale.

This will also bring in some revenue, so I am all around happy about this.  Plus, it's been a while since I've had much dog training.  Come to think of it -- I have had NO new dog training since Foe died.  Thanks be to God.  He sees my needs and provides therein.  He sees my needs before I ask and before I am aware of the need.  Now that I am capable of effective dog training again, he sends me new clients.  Amazing :) 

My Dog Foenix

I miss my dog, Foenix.

Today was quite a productive day for me.  My big project was to clean the windows.  While cleaning the sliding glass door, I was suddenly struck by the realization that what I was scrubbing off were nose prints from Foenix.

It saddened me, but being busy with the purpose of cleaning I didn't revisit that feeling.  That is, until tonight when I was having a conversation on Facebook about the windows.  Then I mentioned to a like-minded friend (who also had to put her otherwise healthy dog to sleep this year..) about the nose prints.

And that slammed reality back into my face. Slap!  The past week has been busy for me, without a lot of time for self reflection.  However, suddenly tonight, I could see the points this week when the memory of Foenix, one of his hairs, or remembering for the 1284738948th time that I need to go get his ashes, little by little the grief was swelling inside my heart.

Yesterday I remember pulling a dog hair off one of my own brushes, only to realize that it was a sable hair: black band, thin tan band, and another black band.  It was about 2 inches long.  I looked at it for a while, held it, pulled on it between my fingers to feel the solidity of it.  Something real of him, something saying he was alive once, something that said he was really here with me.  And he was mine for a beautiful short 4 years.

His birthday is coming up.  He would have been 5 on November 7th. 

Now when I think about his final days with me I can tell myself that putting him to sleep was for his own good, and our own financial good too.  And those are also simple, but difficult truths to live with.  I think of the pain he was in -- so much so that it distracted him from his fear of Hannah, so he became tolerant of her, especially with his Elizabethan Collar on.  I have the final picture I took of him on my computer, and on my Photobucket Account.  I look at it only when I have to.  But the picture is of a dog in pain, with sad, and questioning eyes.  What are you doing?  Why am I in pain?  Why do I have to wear this collar?  It hurts me to see this, and yet, I do get comfort in the communication we had.

Foenix was so many things to me.  Our relationship was multi-faceted.  It was much like the complex human relationships one develops.  We got to know each other really well, we could finish each others thoughts -- communicating through subtle body language.  He always knew my mood, sometimes even before I did.  He was my mirror.  When I was upset so was he, when I was aggressive, so was he, when I was silly -- LOL -- so was he.  When I wanted to play he was always up for it, when I wanted to be lazy he could do that too.  He was a motivation for me to get up and get things done, and a reason to focus.

Foenix gave me the confidence to pursue my career as a dog trainer.  He was my living proof, a point of reference, of my skill.  When he was with me, I would always get questions and comments about him.  People could almost always tell I was a trainer, because of Foenix.  Or, they'd ask me where he was trained.  Foenix was a foundation for my business and for my identity, right or wrong, as a trainer and a professional.

I miss his presence in my home.  And at the same time thinking about the near constant conflict between he and my daughter, I am relieved not to deal with that.  Really, God showed His Light to me and mercifully gave me a more solid reason to get him out of my house and life.  As much as that hurts, it is the truth.  Hannah is much better off without Foenix here.

I wonder if my grief over him would be very different than it is now, if I was to lose him differently.  He died because of a disease, incurable, painful, and without very good medical management.  What if I had to give him away?  I was in that process when he was diagnosed.  Would I grieve differently?  I think so.  Arrogantly, I would almost rather have him dead than with another person.  That is brutal honestly.  I could barely stand the thought of my dog being some other person's pet or project.  Yes, God was merciful to me.


I want another dog, and still love the German Shepherd breed.  But I cannot bring myself to get another GSD.  Maybe someday.  Maybe I will be ready to love another dog, and train another dog and maybe this dog will be the dog I get to keep until he or she dies of old age.  But for now I miss my Foenix.  My heart couldn't take another right now.

On my mind tonight...

First of all, and foremost on my mind tonight, is that Aunt Flo has finally decided to grace me with her presence.  Now, in the past I have really complained, with reason too, about my monthly period.  Not this time.  This is the first period I will have started since my miscarriage.  My body is finally getting back on track so for now I am appreciative of the back pain, bloating, and cramps.  This is hope.  This is what I cling to.

Back on the trying to conceive crazy train though.  Eric and I have decided that since none of the drugs I was on prevented the miscarriage that I won't be going back on them.  Maybe I said that in a previous post already?  It's late -- sue me.  The only drug I might get back on is the Metformin.  I liked how it allowed me to lose some weight and I didn't crave sweets.

On that line of thinking -- weight loss, appetite -- I have finally decided to get off my butt and do something about my weight gain.  Eric and I just started P90 X Insanity.  It is BRU-TAL!  As I type this, my arms and chest (or..pectorals and triceps, if you will) are aching and complaining.  I find that wonderful.  I have done three of the workouts.  One of which I have finished.  Now, now. Don't judge.  Do one of these workouts, even if you don't have a weight problem, and I challenge you to finish the entire thing!  Anyway, enough of my defensive writing.  I am doing this!  Going to lose all this weight.  And since I am doing this before I am pregnant -- I get to do it while I am pregnant too.

All my workouts so far are heavily modified.  I can't do the stretches, or lunges, or push ups, or whatever you want to call all those other torture..umm I mean, most worthwhile exercises.  If I can do the amount of reps the instructor shouts out I certainly cannot jump as high or jog as fast.  Or if I cannot manage the reps I can at least do what I can do a little faster or with "more power".  More POWER!! Is shouted ad nauseaum in these workout clips. A confession: I have feelings for this instructor.  Deep and sincere.  Akin to hatred. 

Quite possibly I might love him when I start seeing my body change back into what I think is acceptable for myself.  I'll let you know of course.

Oh yeah.  I almost forgot.  My boobs.  No, that didn't sound quite right.  I mean I have something to say about them (not that they don't speak for themselves).  I have found I need a good solid contraption in which to trust them while I strive for "MORE POWER!!" as I exercise.  I have two sports bras, only one of which I can find right now..but I digress.  So the first workout was ok, not too much jumping around.  But the second one hmm how do I describe this?  You know the sound of quickly peeling tape off something?  Ok, thats exactly the sound I expected to hear during this workout.  I thought my boobs were going to give up and leave.  Thats what it looked like too -- they were trying to escape!! I swear they were.

After doing a lot of research I decided that I need a couple really good sports bras.  Second, they are too expensive right now.  My solution?  Wear a regular good fitting bra under the compression sports bra I already have.  Viola!  Issue solved.  Thanks to several ladies on Facebook who recommended that remedy.

I won't say on here how much weight I am trying to lose.  Most of you who know me in persona already have a good idea.  But I will say what I have lost as I start to see progress.  I am really excited about feeling better, being more healthy, looking better and being a better example for Hannah.

Hannah starts Pre-school this week!  I am so proud and so excited.  More on that later :)

Had a Vacation in California

The only thing wrong was I spent the time there because one of the most precious people in my life was fighting for hers.

My neice, who just turned 20, went on a road trip and found herself seriously ill just about the time she got into Cali with her friends.  They dropped her off at St. Joesephs Hospital in Eureka, California.  At first they thought she was ok and released her but then got some blood work that showed sepsis.

I am the only one in my family that doesn't have a "regular" full time job so I took my other two neices, one being the sister neice in the hospital.

Hannah stayed behind with Eric.  My In-laws and best friend were kind enough to provide a ton of babysitting so I could be there for my sister and neice for 6 days.

Thank goodness my neice is now in Harborview getting the higher level of care she needs and seems to be on the mend...finally.

I don't have anything really philisophical to say about my week...that will come later.  I am still coming down from the adrenaline and stress.  But she is going to be ok.  And if she is reading this--which I doubt she is-- I want her to know the same thing that I said to her the day I arrived:

Sweetheart, there is NO-THING, nothing in this world that would make me stop loving you the way I do.  My love for you is unconditional.  My hope for you is great and I know you'll heal in more ways than one. Just know that I am here for you, no matter what the circumstance.  I love you.  Always.

Posting About Nothing...Almost

I have no real agenda for this post, I guess I just want to ramble on.  I might even get to a point or two.  We'll see.

I still have all six Champagne D'argent kits.  They are about..I don't quite know..8 or 9 weeks old now.  I have yet to sell even one single baby.  I will be keeping one of the females--I think-- for a future breeder because her Mom is just really phenomenal.  Her kits are uniform size, and she's got an amazing amount of milk to feed her babies.  Plus she has been a wonderful Mom since the beginning.

I am hoping she passes on those traits to one of the two doe kits in the group.  I have my eye on the larger of the two doe kits.  But I will post some pics to a message board and get some more expert advice about the quality of the two an make my choice from there.

My California doe, who is infertile, will be dinner in the next couple weeks.

So, anyway my Champagne doe just had another litter.  There were only four, but they are getting huge fast and they are a rainbow of colors.  The sire if this litter is my own Buck, a Broken Red New Zealand.  I've got one black kit, one orange kit, one kit that is called "tort", and one broken blue...or could be a broken chestnut.  I suck at the whole color-genetic stuff with rabbits, it can be very complex.

I've been very productive today.  Got three, nearly four, loads of laundry done, folded and put away.  Honestly I really am patting myself on the back for that.  LOL.  I hate folding the laundry.  Washing, drying and putting away is alright in my book.  But the folding part is what I tend to procrastinate on.

I also cleaned out Hannah's closet.  When we moved in we kinda just threw a bunch of stuff in there.  It had boxes of baby clothes, toys, her baby car seat/carrier, a pack-n-play and some miscellaneous crap too.  I got it all out, put a bunch of it in the garage (that got properly put away too).  Then I finished sorting through her dresses, boxing old ones up and putting that way.  I then sorted her shoes and finally vacuumed the floor in the closet.

Oh yeah!  Nearly forgot this.  As I was vacuuming I realized how bad the out flow air smelled.  Ugh.  OK-- you know what a dog smells like when it has kinda yeasty ears?  Well it has that odor.  And it has the smell of a dog that goes swimming a lot but never shampooed.  That's nasty too.  And the air also smelled like basement.  So, my vacuum smells like a basement-living-dog-that-drown-but-had-an-ear-infection.  Hmmm, so lovely!  How do I get rid of the smell?  I'm guessing Google, or Bing, will be my friend sometime today.

True Comedy; Stupid Things I Have Said ~ Episode 1

Yes, I am changing things up here for today.  I just was reading a conversation on a message board about the really stupid things people have said or done. 

I'll share mine here because:
......1) I've said and done a LOT of stupid things.
......2) I think it would be fun to have a series of these things for you to read
......3) Yes, you should feel special that I'll share.

This very first incident happened to me when I was 20.  I was working as a Registered Nursing Assistant in my family-owned Adult Family Home.  An AFH is a small nursing facility in a home setting where you can have up to 6 elderly or disabled adults living.  Nursing care is provided up to very high levels of medical care and even until the patient dies, if requested.  The family of the residents are encouraged to come often and they did.

One particular patient had a son that I would often chat with, as over two years we saw him a lot.  I'll call him "Gruff".  Gruff liked dogs and did bird-dog training, so we had a lot in common.  We often chatted about dogs, training, gear and the like.

One hot summer afternoon Gruff came to see his Dad.  He walked in, I said my hello, had some small talk.  Normally what I would wear on the job didn't even matter, but for this story I'll tell you I had on jeans and a regular tee shirt.  I looked very normal that day.

About half an hour later Gruff came back out, and told me he was going to the Pharmacy to pick up some vitamins and such for his Dad.  He'd be back in a while.  Ok, see ya later. 

A few minutes later I did a round of checking the resident hall way, I went down, checking on everyone.  When I no sooner stepped into the hall when the smell hit me.  Ok, so being a caregiver I had cleaned up a lot of poop.  Lots and lots, and so not such a big deal to me.  I knocked on the offenders door, she was a cute old lady, but had some dementia issues.  This was to be the worse BM "accident" I had ever dealt with.  Poop was all over the bed, sheets, blankets and HER!  It took me over a half hour to clean everything up, strip her bed and get her into the bathroom so I could clean her hands and wrists.  Nasty.

I don't think I really need to tell you this, but I will anyway.  When you spend that much time in a closed room with poop, the smell gets into your sinuses and often takes half the day to leave completely.  That means, for the next several hours, no matter what you are smelling, poop is part and parcel of that experience.  Fun huh? 

...So when I kept smelling poop I didn't think too much of it, except when I went to go use the bathroom myself (No, just to pee), I saw a blob of poop on my jeans!!  No wonder the smell was so persistently following me! 

I raced down stairs to where my Mom lived, not as a resident -- she was half owner of the AFH-- her job was Care Manager and was the LPN on staff.  So she lived there.  I needed clean pants.  My dear Mother offers me some of her leggings. Hmmmm..at the time I wasn't fat, but my Mom is about three inches shorter and a lot more slightly built than I.  So her leggings fit me only because they were stretchy.  They were capri's on me, not on her, I stretched them out really bad.  I looked like what was just stuck to my jeans. Crap.  Plus I had a tee shirt on that didn't cover my butt, so I had black, stretchy, thin material covering my bootay, and the lovely panty lines to top off my look.  Being 20 this mattered a whole lot to me!!  But what could I do?  I had to wear them, it was my only option.

I went back upstairs, and by this time it was lunch and I was super busy.  I tried not to feel self conscious in my leggings, but I did.  After lunch I got all our residents back to their rooms for their naps, phone calls, toiletings and the normal stuff I did daily.

--Another side note into the life of any one in the medical field.  We have laws called HIPPA, in a nut-shell they are the laws that say you cannot talk about a patient with anyone, give any personal information such as names, birth dates, ect.  I knew these laws and tried hard to follow them.--

About the time I was supposed to be taking a break, Gruff came back from the Pharmacy with his dad's stuff.  It had been probably about an hour and half since he'd left.  To my horror he looked at me a little odd -- Yes he noticed my pants.  I'm sure my face was pretty red, but to his credit he didn't say anything.  I got slightly flustered.

Right about that time I got a call on our monitoring system that another resident needed some assistance.  I ended up following Gruff down the hall.  As we entered the hall way he goes, "Whoa!" and waves the air.  Yep that much time later the smell still lingered.  I always wanted to keep things clean at the AFH, and the smell and his reaction compounded my flustered feelings all the more.

My mind raced to find a good explanation to the unpleasant odor, as I felt like he would think I wasn't doing my job since it smelled bad.



"Someone had an accident, thats why I had to change my pants!". 

There!! I brilliantly not only explained the smell, but in one fell swoop I got to tell him why I was wearing these horrible pants.

Well..except his reaction and my own realization of what I said happened about the same time.  As he did an about-face, snapped around and looked at me, his head cocked to the side, with a clear expression of disgust.  Yeah at that same moment I realized he interpreted my comment like this:

"I crapped my pants and had to change them, so that's why it stinks in here."

And I thought I was flustered before.  I don't remember exactly what I managed to stammer out as, yet another, explanation. Something like, "umm...I didn't mean me, I meant, someone else...err..you know? I can't say who...but not me..really." 

Gruff didn't say a word, which made it worse.  He just turned around while I was in the middle of my stammering, red faced, inferno of embarrassment.  And he just walked away.

And my Brother-in-Law heard the whole thing on the monitor.  He yelled down the hall way: "Just shut-up Jamie before you make it worse!!"  Thank you Andrew.

Off The Cuff

OK, so I have figured out why I couldn't edit properly.  I needed to upgrade my editing tool for blogger...did that and now, as I type this, it looks totally different.  That's cool though.  I didn't really want to abandon my blog.

This post will probably be quite hodge-podge and random, so just warning you....

I have been very tired today, exhausted really.  There's no good reason for it.  I only did regular things, cleaned one of my bathrooms, got my floors cleaned, cleaned the bird cage, made dinner, did some laundry.  Nothing extraordinarily busy.  And I am pooped.  And in a lot of pain.  That's kinda weird too.

I want to ask a question though, to those of you with children: If someone you knew saw your child doing something they shouldn't or something inappropriate, would you want that someone to tell you about it?  I'll answer that for myself.  If Hannah was doing something socially unaccepted or wrong and I didn't see it I would certainly want a responsible adult to tell me.  So, FYI, to "you" out there--If my kid is doing something you don't like, please tell me.  Yeah I know, as promised this is really random.

OK on to another topic.  Rabbits.  I have 6 rabbits for sale, though probably only 5 because I will probably eat an adult doe I have and keep one baby doe back from this litter for later breeding.  I have a Californian doe that I've bred twice and she doesn't seem to get pregnant.  This is a doe I bought with registration papers, and was a "proven" mother.  I'm beginning to think I was taken by the breeder.  She isn't getting pregnant.  She either produces or I eat her.  She's not a pet (mostly because I really dislike her temperament, she's more skittish than wild rabbits).

So, let me start over, I have five baby rabbits for sale and have gotten only a handful of inquiries about them.  I will continue to feed them for another month or so and butcher them, or whatever is left over if sales pick up a bit.  Not such a bad deal with rabbits you either get cash in hand or you can eat them.

When at dinner tonight Hannah started talking about this "baby bullet" thing.  Took me a few minutes to realize she was talking about this: Baby Bullet Food System. LOL.  The NOT funny part was when she said, "Mommy will you get that for our new baby?".  Ughhh....tears.  I turned my head away so she didn't see my reaction--but it hurt.  A lot.  I thought about telling her about the miscarriage, but of course using age appropriate explanation. But I couldn't do it.  I don't know if it's better to leave that alone or to tell her the baby isn't coming after all.  I guess time will tell.  For now I chicken out and avoid the topic.

On that same line of topic--I really want to be pregnant again.  I didn't know how long it would take me to feel like that again. But, surprise!  Not long at all.  This feeling may go away and come back later, I really don't know.  This is all uncharted territory for my heart and brain.  Also if I get pregnant soon then I can avoid telling Hannah that there's no baby coming.  But more than that is that I just really want to start over and have another chance.  I have fears of another miscarriage, but right now, sitting here, it's a chance I can totally take.  Ask me tomorrow if I still feel this way, you might get a totally different reaction.

I have a tendency--in my way of dealing with bad things--to try and "move on" way before I am really emotionally capable of doing so.  My mind tells me to suck it up and get on with my life, but my heart drags along behind kicking and screaming.  The bad thing is I don't hear my heart until I'm in the middle of an emotional eruption that I can't control.  It's not a very good scene.  I hope that is not what I am doing now, but it's really hard to recognize it. Grrrr!!! why can't I be easier to read?