Postive Signs and Stuff

Diving right into the most exciting part of my day (so far..).  I got a positive on my Ovulation Predictor today (OPK).  I wasn't sure so I posted a couple of pictures on my Facebook hoping that some of my TTC and in-the-know friends would be able to tell me if I was looking at a positive.  The top OPK is from my first morning urine from yesterday, cycle day 15. The middle one is from my 3pm test.  Both are negative.  But the last one is from this morning's FMU and the test line showed up before the control line LOL.  It is positive for ovulation!!!  That means in the next 12-48 hours I should be ovulating.

This isn't the first cycle I have tried these tests.  I tried the first year we were TTCing.  I don't know if I ever got a positive or not, but I have one murky memory of thinking I did.  Of course I didn't get pregnant because of my Stud Muffin's little drug.  Moving on before a rant over takes me....

So I guess we shall see if I am pregnant in about 12 days.  I will count tomorrow as my ovulation date to be on the safe side and I will take my test about ten days later.

The Metformin seems to be working, or at least I am responding to it in the obvious ways I was before.  My stomach has been slightly unhappy since yesterday morning.  Then it was slightly more unhappy this morning.  Both mornings have required a sudden trip the the bathroom.  You guess what happened.  I will say, on a positive note, that I made the right choice by taking it at night because I am not quite as sick on this as I was.  But next week when I start the 500mg. BID I might be complaining to beat the band.  Wait, not, I won't be "might", no I WILL be.  I know it, you know it too.

I am still having a good rush of energy and I continue getting my house in order.  Today my goal was to finish Hannah's room project.  That has included putting in her new bookshelf, cleaning out her closet and organizing her clothes that fit and don't fit.  Taking all clothing out of her dresser and putting anything away that doesn't fit.  I am almost finished.

We have a birthday party to go to this afternoon.  I have to go and get a card for the little boy, that means I don't have to cook dinner.  This will be a FFYS dinner tonight for Eric (Fend For Yourself). LOL I am happy!

Today in Jamie Land

I am listening to Eric and Hannah play My Little Ponies together.  Eric is so wonderful with her and to her.  She eats up his play time and talks about it the next day.  They are so in love. ♥

I have been reading some other Blogs the last few days.  One trend I enjoy is the "Currently" thing where you have a list of things you are currently seeing/hearing/thinking/feeling/hoping, ect.  I am considering doing this too, though, to be honest I would feel just like a "follower" so I hesitate.  I never liked that feeling, unless I know exactly where I am being led.  Which makes me think about the less-than-glorious aspects of who I am.  Next topic. ;)

I went back on Metformin tonight. I am starting out on 500 mg./ day for the next seven days.  If you care to know what this drug does see here: Metformin and PCOS .  I am going to lose weight fairly easily on this drug as it controls my Insulin Resistance and High Testosterone issues.  Metformin also blocks a percentage of carbohydrates from going from my digestive system to my blood system.  One of the side effects is it makes you (me) sick as a dog while my body gets used to it....so there is another way I will lose weight -- I won't be over eating at all.

After seven days on 500 mg./day I will up to 500 mg. BID, a week after that I'll take two 500 mg. once a day and then one 500 mg. 12 hours later.  Then, yep you guessed it, I go on two 500 mg. twice daily.

>> One note here: The last time I was on this drug was the same month I got pregnant.  I don't know if it was a contributing factor or not.  I got this Rx on the 19th of May and found out I was pregnant on May 31st.  I don't know if it will work that quickly, I have a feeling it doesn't, seeing how I was still on the lower doses when I got pregnant. We'll see though.

I have been feeling very, very crampy today.  Ovaries and uterus giving me fits.  I have no clue if this is a sign of impending ovulation or just cysts that are gracing me with their presence.  It could be both.  I DO know that it hurts and I say to myself, "Oh my ovaries!!"  It hurts.  Since I have trying so hard to get pregnant I am resisting most medications I would normally be ok with taking. I hesitate to take ibuprofen, acetaminophen, or allergy tabs.  This afternoon after sneezing 5 times in about two minutes I did take a Claritin. It helped a lot.

I started taking pictures of my OPK (ovulation predictors).  I think that this is cycle day 14 for me and I took a test with my first morning urine and then again after a 4 hour bathroom fast.  I will post pictures of my cycle in urine sticks when my cycle ends so that you all can see what I am looking and and looking for.  Aren't you excited?? I know you are LOL.

Its 8:05 PM on a crispy North West night.  Hannah is now watching Wonder Pets behind me and giggling.  Eric is in the shower.  I feel good.  I love my family so much, Eric, Hannah and those that extend far, blood relative or not.

Our Decisions for Fertility

Eric and I had a talk the next day after my last entry.  Was that only day before yesterday?  Probably LOL.  Anyway, we had a very good discussion.

I first told him that we have some decisions to make, one of which being how long do we try on our own before going to "the next step".  He said 4 months, I was thinking more like 3.  So we compromised at 3 with the option of waiting one more month if we feel it would be beneficial. 
I explained to him what I will be doing to assist us in the best possible ways.  First I will be doing LH (Lutenizing Hormone) testing aka: Ovulation Predictor Kit, aka OPK.  LH is the hormone that your body produces in a surge in the 48-24 hours prior to ovulation.  They are cheap tests, I got 20 of them today for about $17.00. I can get them cheaper over the internet and I will probably go that route next month if it is needed.  Obviously when you have a positive LH surge on the test you will then "baby dance" (I cringe saying that phrase, it is the TTCer's lingo) on those next couple of days hoping to cover your ovulation.  I have actually used this test before, except it was inconclusive.  I actually don't think I ovulated that month and the month I was sure I got a positive Eric was still on that blasted anti-sperm drug!

In addition to the OPK I am going on Evening Primrose Oil again this month, I had been on it last month.  EPO is supposed to make your Cervical Mucus, or CM for short, more favorable for sperm and more abundant.  I have seen it working for me, at least in the abundance area.  The issue with this month is with all the stuff surrounding the Holidays I forgot to start taking it on time.  Usually I start on cycle day 5-7 and keep taking 1000mg of it until I am sure I am not ovulating.  Well..as sure as I can be with PCOS.  I am also taking a Prenatal Vitamin and Vitamin B.

I have cut down on my caffeine intake now.  I am slowly weaning myself off of one cup of coffee or tea a day down to only a half cup for the past two days.

I am starting on a better diet.  For me a better diet means pretty much one thing: I stop eating refined carbohydrates of sugar, white flour, ect.  My diet is actually very healthy otherwise.  Sugar is my downfall.  With my PCOS I have high insulin which makes me crave sugar in a very, VERY bad way.  But I can control it, and I have successfully done so in the past.  My diet is otherwise more healthy than average.  No or minimal fast food (we cannot really afford it anyway) and a lot of from-scratch cooking pretty much everything.  I am conservative with salt and use, nearly exclusively, fresh ingredients in my cooking.  We eat a lot of fresh veggies, lean meats, low fat dairy products and all of our store-bought bread is 100% whole wheat, as are most of our cereals, we eat brown rice and whole grain pasta.

Lets see what else?  I am starting to exercises again, I had been doing P90X Insanity (thank you Kay Sully!!) pretty well for a couple of weeks. But then I had to have surgery and never picked it back up.  I am starting to walk every day again.  I was supposed to start today but I forgot. Ugh!  I will start Insanity back up again after a couple of weeks of walking. I really need to start out slowly so I don't burn out.  My goal for weight loss is 15 pounds.  I have more to lose but I wanted to set a realistic and not-so-daunting goal.

I asked Eric if he would start taking his Fish Oil, which I read makes things "down there" more productive and/or better quality.  So he's taking 1000mg of high-quality fish oils a day.  Oh. And the funny part. Along with his fish oils yesterday I gave him on of my over-the-counter Prenatals. He asked me what it was and I told him.  He wasn't happy LOL!!!  He took it after I said it wouldn't do anything to him, but he only took it reluctantly.  He was still questioning me this morning.  *giggle* as if HE will get pregnant from taking them or something.

I feel really tired right now.  It is 8:10 PM and I've been awake since 7:30 AM.  I got a lot of stuff done today.  I have earned this night's rest.  Nite nite everyone. :)

Happy New Year

I already said it.  This is my new year to make my blog more awesome (and consistent) than it is now.  I really want to set a goal of at least one blog entry a week.  This is my diary, kinda.  If you already read this regularly you know that I post a lot of very personal thoughts and feelings here.  Now is the time for you to bail if you don't like it.  This next year will be pivotal for me and my family.  It has to be, what would life be without conflict, resolution of conflict, lots of happy and sad times?

So this is my first blog of 2012.

On my mind right now?  Laundry, house work, parenting...getting pregnant again.  This is on the forefront of my mind.  We have been actively trying to get pregnant, officially, now for 2 years.  That's 23 months of disappointment.  It would be 24 months except I was pregnant this spring but miscarried at about 6-7 weeks. 

My husband was on a drug for about a year that kept him from producing sperm.  It took three months for his sperm production to get back to normal after stopping the drug.  That first month I could have gotten pregnant I did.  I chose to have a "natural" miscarriage, meaning I didn't go for medical care during the physical portion of the miscarriage.  In lay terms I aborted the fetus and other tissues at home without any help from my doctor.  I could have opted for a D & C but I didn't want that.

My cycle didn't seem normal (but what is normal with PCOS?) for the next couple months and I was having a lot of problems with pain.  I ended up with a D & C after all, along with a polyp-ectomy surgery.  Now I am two full cycles past my surgery and wondering if I should "let nature take its course" and "forgetting about trying to conceive" or do we go for more medical intervention?

Financially it makes sense to give it a few months.  And as I write this out and also discuss on FB with friends, it seems to make sense for Eric and I to wait a couple more cycles and try on our own.  I am one of the most impatient people in the world.  Since we have been trying for two years my patience is wearing thin, as is my emotional state surrounding pregnancy.

Not just me being pregnant but others pregnancies too.  The more I want it the harder it is for me to see others pregnant.  I allow my fears of not being pregnant again to make me feel anxious and upset.

I am getting to the point where I do not want to hear of others being pregnant.  I don't feel like I am jealous -- I do not covet their pregnancy, baby, ect.  I just would really like to have my own.  And I wonder, quite honestly, if God wants us to have another baby.

I have been praying a lot about if I am even supposed to have another.  If not, then what I am supposed to do?  I really always pictured myself with several kids, especially after we had Hannah.  Is she supposed to be sibling free?  I have a lot of good things I could do for others if I don't have another child.  I can be a Mom to Hannah while having a lot of time to do other stuff.  I could serve a lot of people and God with that time.  I feel like if I am not meant to have more kids then God must have another mission for me.  I just have NO CLUE what it could be. LOL!

Can't sleep

So.  Here I sit, on the computer at 1:49 AM.  Too much going through my mind to sleep, I was too cold in bed anyway to get comfortable.

I am a bit bothered by something, actually a bit more than "bit" but not in a huge, dramatic way.  I'm not angry.  I think I am a bit puzzled, feelings might be a little hurt, I know I can say I am "irritated".

Since so many people close to me read this blog I will have to tread lightly by what I say about this.  I'm not about to bring something out in the open about someone I know on my blog.  But since it has everything to do with me I think its OK to, at least partially, talk about what's bothering me.

I think my main problem regarding this is that I am not naturally a very organized person.  I am getting better and learning to be though.  But it is a hard thing for me to do.  Just one of my many "flaws" I suppose.  But where I lack in that area, I make up for in other areas.  Do I sound defensive?  I guess maybe I do, but its not coming from a place with out some justification.

My real issue is that I feel like I have been spoken about to people regarding this "thing" without justification, or a real reason to say anything about it, except maybe to make conversation.  I don't care of someone needs to be informed of one of my bad habits, but please make it on a "need to know" basis.  Everyone get this clear?  I am very open about my flaws, more so than most people are.  And I am also pretty easy to talk to about said flaws, if you approach me with respect, love and some gentleness. 

Even when someone has said something not-so-great about my personality I don't immediately dismiss such a comment, especially from someone I respect.  Even if I find it to be untrue I still consider their position.

I think lately I have had some interesting interactions with people.  I say "interesting" in the way that I am scratching my head wondering why that person felt the need to say some specific things to me.  Then recently someone came right out and commented on my said personality flaw and little puzzle pieces dropped into place.  Ahhhh...NOWwwww I get it.  OK.  I suppose I should have seen that coming.

I had some insight from a good friend of mine.  They told me that this is a "boundary" issue between this person and I.  And I agree.  If I had addressed said comments/criticism when it started I would probably be asleep right now.  Touche.  This is paritally my fault. And IF I wasn't clear to begin with I will clarify now: Said personality flaw complaint isn't completely unjustified.

What is unjustified and unfair is the persistent feeling, lately, of having to watch what I say in avoidance of fueling this little fire against me.  It is unnatural for me to watch every thing I say to people I love and to have to guard my conversation.  I really don't appreciate that feeling.  And it's bothering me.  A lot.  To know me is to love me right?  Not in an arrogant way.  What I mean is isn't it OK to be yourself with close loved one's?  If someone knows me, and loves me, I should be accepted.

Especially since this issue at hand isn't a huge, life-interrupting issue.  It's not the end of the world, and really doesn't directly affect the person who seems most concerned with it.

OK, enough of that.

Tomorrow I have a job interview.  Looking forward to bringing in a bit more money to cushion our budget.  We are actually doing OK, but have such little wiggle room in our finances that it's difficult to maintain things as they are.  I really hope this works out and turns into a good position for me.  It is just part-time care-giving, a man who has early-stage Alzheimer's. 

I have also gotten two new dog training calls this week. Both of which have resulted in Behavior Evaluation appointments.  Why, yes, I did write them down.  Thank you for asking.  I have emails out with forms and paperwork and appointment times all set up.  One is in my home town and one is in Silverdale.

This will also bring in some revenue, so I am all around happy about this.  Plus, it's been a while since I've had much dog training.  Come to think of it -- I have had NO new dog training since Foe died.  Thanks be to God.  He sees my needs and provides therein.  He sees my needs before I ask and before I am aware of the need.  Now that I am capable of effective dog training again, he sends me new clients.  Amazing :) 

My Dog Foenix

I miss my dog, Foenix.

Today was quite a productive day for me.  My big project was to clean the windows.  While cleaning the sliding glass door, I was suddenly struck by the realization that what I was scrubbing off were nose prints from Foenix.

It saddened me, but being busy with the purpose of cleaning I didn't revisit that feeling.  That is, until tonight when I was having a conversation on Facebook about the windows.  Then I mentioned to a like-minded friend (who also had to put her otherwise healthy dog to sleep this year..) about the nose prints.

And that slammed reality back into my face. Slap!  The past week has been busy for me, without a lot of time for self reflection.  However, suddenly tonight, I could see the points this week when the memory of Foenix, one of his hairs, or remembering for the 1284738948th time that I need to go get his ashes, little by little the grief was swelling inside my heart.

Yesterday I remember pulling a dog hair off one of my own brushes, only to realize that it was a sable hair: black band, thin tan band, and another black band.  It was about 2 inches long.  I looked at it for a while, held it, pulled on it between my fingers to feel the solidity of it.  Something real of him, something saying he was alive once, something that said he was really here with me.  And he was mine for a beautiful short 4 years.

His birthday is coming up.  He would have been 5 on November 7th. 

Now when I think about his final days with me I can tell myself that putting him to sleep was for his own good, and our own financial good too.  And those are also simple, but difficult truths to live with.  I think of the pain he was in -- so much so that it distracted him from his fear of Hannah, so he became tolerant of her, especially with his Elizabethan Collar on.  I have the final picture I took of him on my computer, and on my Photobucket Account.  I look at it only when I have to.  But the picture is of a dog in pain, with sad, and questioning eyes.  What are you doing?  Why am I in pain?  Why do I have to wear this collar?  It hurts me to see this, and yet, I do get comfort in the communication we had.

Foenix was so many things to me.  Our relationship was multi-faceted.  It was much like the complex human relationships one develops.  We got to know each other really well, we could finish each others thoughts -- communicating through subtle body language.  He always knew my mood, sometimes even before I did.  He was my mirror.  When I was upset so was he, when I was aggressive, so was he, when I was silly -- LOL -- so was he.  When I wanted to play he was always up for it, when I wanted to be lazy he could do that too.  He was a motivation for me to get up and get things done, and a reason to focus.

Foenix gave me the confidence to pursue my career as a dog trainer.  He was my living proof, a point of reference, of my skill.  When he was with me, I would always get questions and comments about him.  People could almost always tell I was a trainer, because of Foenix.  Or, they'd ask me where he was trained.  Foenix was a foundation for my business and for my identity, right or wrong, as a trainer and a professional.

I miss his presence in my home.  And at the same time thinking about the near constant conflict between he and my daughter, I am relieved not to deal with that.  Really, God showed His Light to me and mercifully gave me a more solid reason to get him out of my house and life.  As much as that hurts, it is the truth.  Hannah is much better off without Foenix here.

I wonder if my grief over him would be very different than it is now, if I was to lose him differently.  He died because of a disease, incurable, painful, and without very good medical management.  What if I had to give him away?  I was in that process when he was diagnosed.  Would I grieve differently?  I think so.  Arrogantly, I would almost rather have him dead than with another person.  That is brutal honestly.  I could barely stand the thought of my dog being some other person's pet or project.  Yes, God was merciful to me.


I want another dog, and still love the German Shepherd breed.  But I cannot bring myself to get another GSD.  Maybe someday.  Maybe I will be ready to love another dog, and train another dog and maybe this dog will be the dog I get to keep until he or she dies of old age.  But for now I miss my Foenix.  My heart couldn't take another right now.

On my mind tonight...

First of all, and foremost on my mind tonight, is that Aunt Flo has finally decided to grace me with her presence.  Now, in the past I have really complained, with reason too, about my monthly period.  Not this time.  This is the first period I will have started since my miscarriage.  My body is finally getting back on track so for now I am appreciative of the back pain, bloating, and cramps.  This is hope.  This is what I cling to.

Back on the trying to conceive crazy train though.  Eric and I have decided that since none of the drugs I was on prevented the miscarriage that I won't be going back on them.  Maybe I said that in a previous post already?  It's late -- sue me.  The only drug I might get back on is the Metformin.  I liked how it allowed me to lose some weight and I didn't crave sweets.

On that line of thinking -- weight loss, appetite -- I have finally decided to get off my butt and do something about my weight gain.  Eric and I just started P90 X Insanity.  It is BRU-TAL!  As I type this, my arms and chest (or..pectorals and triceps, if you will) are aching and complaining.  I find that wonderful.  I have done three of the workouts.  One of which I have finished.  Now, now. Don't judge.  Do one of these workouts, even if you don't have a weight problem, and I challenge you to finish the entire thing!  Anyway, enough of my defensive writing.  I am doing this!  Going to lose all this weight.  And since I am doing this before I am pregnant -- I get to do it while I am pregnant too.

All my workouts so far are heavily modified.  I can't do the stretches, or lunges, or push ups, or whatever you want to call all those other torture..umm I mean, most worthwhile exercises.  If I can do the amount of reps the instructor shouts out I certainly cannot jump as high or jog as fast.  Or if I cannot manage the reps I can at least do what I can do a little faster or with "more power".  More POWER!! Is shouted ad nauseaum in these workout clips. A confession: I have feelings for this instructor.  Deep and sincere.  Akin to hatred. 

Quite possibly I might love him when I start seeing my body change back into what I think is acceptable for myself.  I'll let you know of course.

Oh yeah.  I almost forgot.  My boobs.  No, that didn't sound quite right.  I mean I have something to say about them (not that they don't speak for themselves).  I have found I need a good solid contraption in which to trust them while I strive for "MORE POWER!!" as I exercise.  I have two sports bras, only one of which I can find right now..but I digress.  So the first workout was ok, not too much jumping around.  But the second one hmm how do I describe this?  You know the sound of quickly peeling tape off something?  Ok, thats exactly the sound I expected to hear during this workout.  I thought my boobs were going to give up and leave.  Thats what it looked like too -- they were trying to escape!! I swear they were.

After doing a lot of research I decided that I need a couple really good sports bras.  Second, they are too expensive right now.  My solution?  Wear a regular good fitting bra under the compression sports bra I already have.  Viola!  Issue solved.  Thanks to several ladies on Facebook who recommended that remedy.

I won't say on here how much weight I am trying to lose.  Most of you who know me in persona already have a good idea.  But I will say what I have lost as I start to see progress.  I am really excited about feeling better, being more healthy, looking better and being a better example for Hannah.

Hannah starts Pre-school this week!  I am so proud and so excited.  More on that later :)