Sunday, June 29, 2008

Grandpa Update

Eric and I met up at the hospital today. Grandpa was very weepy and sad looking. He cried as he greeted Grandma and had Eric's Mom and I crying too. It's so touching seeing them greet each other in such a loving and private way. It was such an intimate moment I turned away in respect for their moment. I reflect on the way they love each other so very much and hope that Eric and I grow to love each other that way even in our old age. The way two elderly people love each other is very profound and special, unique to those who've been together for years and years.

Again, without too many details, Grandpa's prognosis is guarded right now. He looks pretty normal, but his medical problems keep mounting and compounding the next issue. It's a vicious cycle that I hope ends soon with him recovering well. I am fearful for him, to be very honest. The only thing we can do is take everything one day at a time and keep praying.

I know this is very hard on Kristie. I cannot imagine how hard. Grandpa is a fighter though and he really desires to get better-- that's half the battle right there.

Flo Finally Comes A-Knock'n

Yup. Having a fairly normal period. I think it's a little short though, it's almost over already, so that makes only two full days...but then again I am taking a different pill prescription than before, so maybe this will be my new 'norm'. Might be good.

I will confess that I did go out and get a pregnancy test. Eric video'd it. No! He did not video me on the toilet, I always use the 'dip' method. Somehow aiming a stream onto that small stick always leaves me with a wet hand and a dry stick--not what I had in mind, so I got smart and use a disposable cup to get my test sample. So, anyway, we were both holding our breath and it came out negative, so we are both relieved and my guilt is relieved greatly. As Kristie said in her comment about my last post "it would have been God's will" or something to that effect. And, to be sure, that is what kept me from freaking out over the possibility that I might have been expecting so soon. I have been taking my pill exactly right, no missed pills, I even take it the same time every day. So if I was preggers again it would not be my error, but God's blessing. So that makes it immensely easier to swallow. It's so nice to be able to lean on God's shoulder that way.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

My Fears and Joys after Hannah, and Updates on Grandpa

I can safely say I feel pregnant. Even reading this line as I type it makes my heart jump up in tempo. Do I think I'm preggers again? No. Is it possible? Yes. I'm back on the pill, have been for two months now. I have all the symptoms of having my monthy visitor, Aunt Flo. But that's just it...I felt this way for three months into my pregnancy with Hannah. I was still on the pill (at the time I had no idea I was pregnant) and had fairly normal periods for two months of my pregnancy, the other two months before I found out I had all the symptoms of getting my period. Probably the fact I was still taking the pill and going thru the artifitial hormone cycle made me feel like I should start my period. I even had PMS when my pill pack was done gearing up for Aunt Flo.

So, in short, I don't trust my bodies signals anymore. So I'm sweaty palmed because I should have my period by now, or at least think I should. I've been thinking of it frequently today. I even asked Eric how he would feel if I was 'you-know-what' and he said, unhesitantly, "I would be excited". To tell you the truth I would be as well...but also worried, frustrated, scared, a little mad, and happy all in one. Isn't it amazing how God made us so complex? Sometimes I feel an emotion so strongly that I have to take several hours to decide which emotion(s) I'm feeling at the time.

Another baby right now would mean I'd have two diapered kids at once (can you say 'expensive'?), it also means Hannah would have a sibling very close in age. Pros and Cons. It would mean Hannah would not have much time with Eric and I before another child would take one-on-one time away from her. Con. It would mean we are even more of a family. Pro. It would mean chasing Hannah around while I just had another infant. Con. Another pregnancy would mean I could wear my maternity clothes again before they were too out of style, LOL. Pro! It would mean morning sickness and that horrid fatigue while Hannah is a very active, but very needy pre-toddler. Con. It would mean I'd get to love another being the way I love Hannah. Pro. I wrote the paragraph above I found it hard to come up with the "pro's" in the situation. Yes I'd be excited to have another baby. But really my worst fears lie with Hannah. I really want to concentrate on her for a couple years without another child. Could Eric and I balance these crucial early learning months, teaching Hannah and preparing her for life with another baby so young? How does that work? How does one make that work? I feel guilty about the situation and I'm not even in the situation!!!

This whole post could be just a stupid symptom of my impending visit from Aunt Flo. I do realize I'm getting wwwaaaayyyyy ahead of myself here. I'll probably have these fears for several more months untill I get used to the routene of my monthly hormone fluctuations again.


Grandpa is doing Ok, not great but OK. He has some pretty major medical issues, some of which are chronic and we knew about, others are chronic and we didn't know about. Because we are talking about someone other than Eric, Hannah or myself I will refrain from most details. I do realize this kind of thing is private, heck I would not, not, not appreciate someone blogging about my medical issues without expressed consent!!

He may have a surgery but we are not sure if the surgery would help more than harm....

Monday, June 23, 2008

A New Mile Stone

I forgot to say that yesterday morning when I got up to get Hannah up to get ready for Church she was on her back! Why is this significant? Because I put her to sleep on her tummy and she had rolled over for the very first time. Yay Hannah *does a little dance*

**for those of you out there that are about to lecture me on my daughter sleeping on her tummy (not recommended by the governing body for pediatricians) I already know. It was an informed decision not made lightly. Obviously so far she is fine.....**

Sunday, June 22, 2008

My Weekend and Stuff

I have had an exhausting weekend for sure!! I've been trying to work as many hours as I can at my part time care giving job and also for this entire past week everyday I went over to my friend Julie's house. Julie was out of town and I went over to help out with caring for her dogs, remember she is Foenix's breeder? Well now you know. Anyway her two son's were there with their dad, but I wanted to go over and make sure that everything was going OK (and that everything was getting done too!). Julie has a couple of very nice kids. Both of them, ages 12 and17, are smart, respectful, and funny kids with great hearts. Neither of them are the 'typical' boys for this time. I really have a lot of fun with them both. Julie will love to hear how they both chipped in with chores, did a great job and got along so well (at least while I was there). Their dad did a great job too!!

On Friday afternoon Eric's Grandfather went into the hospital via an ambulance. He had stopped breathing and was on a ventilator for nearly 24 hours!! Everyone really though his time had come and we were not going to have much time with him left. It was really hard. I went into 'support and nurse mode' and didn't really break down at all. I was thinking so much of Kristie all the way in NZ and her Grandpa on his deathbed, how horrible for her!! I also know this would have been the closest death in Eric's family, Eric has never dealt with a death before so I was worried about him too. Good news!! Grandpa made a truly miraculous turn around and early Saturday morning he was conscious and agitated for being on the machine. He was ex-tubated that afternoon and was move into a regular hospital ward today!! Amazing Grace!!! Thank God for the renewed time we have with Grandpa!!

When I saw Grandpa yesterday and he was responsive and without the ventilator all my facade went out the door and I bawled like a baby in relief. I really, really love Eric's family and Grandpa and Grandma mean so much to me, even more so since having Hannah--they are her Great Grandparents, how lucky is she to have so much extended loving family!! Well, "luck" has nothing, zero, zip to do with it...we all know it's God's Hand blessing her.

I'll keep my blog updated on how Grandpa is doing.

Other than that I'm PMSing to beat the band. Have a headache, want some chocolate. I think I'm almost to the point were I could go on an exercise/diet plan and stick to it....but for now a Hershey's bar sounds like therapy and a spa day all wrapped into one. Geez. *roll eyes*

I have not said a word about the dogs in a long time. Dog training is almost non-existent and I'm not a bit sorry for the moment. I just love concentrating on Hannah and my family right now it just feels like what I should be doing. I will start back with French Ring with Feo when I get some extra money to pay my club dues. I guess that's all.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....

  • You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi can load all frequently used dishes, cookware, utensils and glassware, and have it fit, and have it all come out clean.
  • You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....while your husband helps out and loads the dishwasher you can't help but leave your own housework to make a lot of "oh so helpful suggestions" on where to put items (everything)
  • You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi have slight anxiety over hearing the dishwasher running and realizing you are not the one who turned it on. As you approach the sink your fears are confirmed-- half of the things that could have gone in are still in the sink. *sigh*
  • You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi have a list of helpful tips on how to get the hard-to-remove-stuck-on-food-particles to come off in the dishwasher. And then you tell your husband and actually expect him to remember next time he loads the dishwasher, which of course he does not because only you are that particular about it.
  • You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....while helping clean up a friends/relatives kitchen you are most happy to do anything but load the dishwasher, after all it's not your dishwasher, it's not your territory and you might look silly-- or worse-- look like as bad a dishwasher loader as that person's husband *gasp*
  • You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....when your old, slightly broken dishwasher gets fixed you feel excited about loading it the next time. I mean you are really looking forward to bonding with the improved dishwasher.
  • You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi if....the thought of teaching your kids how to properly load your dishwasher you remember your own Mother getting ticked off at you about how 'carelessly' you loaded when you were a kid. The flood of sudden understanding brings a rush of nastalgia that prompts to you call your Mother immediately, teary eyed, telling her you had an epiphany.
  • You Might be a Dishwasher Nazi those *rare* moments when you load the dishwasher A-la Husband-esque, you make sure to unload it before he sees it. After all, you must maintain your superior dishwasher loader status or risk him pointing out that you didn't put the casserole in it's normal place. The universe might implode if that happens. Yes, you're sure it will.
If you are wondering, Yes! I'm a Dishwasher Nazi. My Mom was too, and now I understand why and how you become one. When I realized this it was yet another moment when I took another step at becoming my Mother. LOL. Not that I mind.

Eric is slowly but surely coming over to the dark side. He'll be second Nazi in command by the time Hannah is old enough to load the dishwasher, and the cycle will start over. Muwahhahhahha hahaa haaa (evil laugh)

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Be Smug

LOL. Well maybe not laughing out loud, more like, saying G-rated curse words out loud (that would be GRCWOL, if you were wondering).

I was soooo smug about getting rid of our ants. Yesterday I found two of them in the kitchen. Only two. Not fourty. Just two, I have to keep reminding myself that it was only two. Today I found zero. I also keep reminding myself that the two I found did seem confused, or was that just my out of control imagination again? Well I didn't let the ants go back to the colony--I squashed them on site. Sorry (not really), I just have no patience for them from now on.

In going back to read more about them **More Wonderful Google** I found that some species of these small ants can have a secondary colony and possible multiple queens. Goody gum drops >:( So it seems my seemingly thwarted opposition might have an ace up their tiny sleeves! But, I am not going to wait so long to declare war again. If I find just one more I'll get out the boric acid and honey and let the carnage begin...again.

Is it terrible to admit feeling just a little smug again? Will I never learn? :D

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Happy Father's Day :D

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!!!

We are blessed to have our earthy and heavenly Fathers, we should all give thanks!!

Today Hannah was dedicated to God. Really it's a declaration of our intent to raise her as a Christian and the Church also agrees to help raise her up in the Lord and set good examples for her.

Today was so special.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I Won, I Won!! :)

Yup, that's right as of yesterday afternoon I have not had one single ant in my kitchen. I checked outside and not one single ant eating the jam or sugar syrup either. I win, I win. Haha gotta love it when things go your way!!

The War is officially over and peace time reigns.

War Stats:
  • Total Casualties: unknown ant total, 0 human loss
  • Days of assault before War Declaration: 11
  • Days of War time: 3
  • Cost of War: about 5 bucks
  • Victory: SWEET!!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The War I've Waged, an Update

Today I mixed 1/4 recipe of the sugar-water-acid solution. It's very thick, actually when first mixed it reminded me of the surprising consistency of my amniotic fluid when my water broke, but I digress. So I took the solution to where I had put the deadly strawberry jam mixture and put it around it. I thought that I'd just leave the jam there, after all who knows what other insects it might prevent from coming in the house--two days ago we had a huge carpenter ant enter the house via the same window that the sugar ants come in. But I guess I'd have to mix it with wood for it to appeal to a carpenter ant? I don't really know...but if I Google it...! :D

Again the little bugs were all lined up like some kind of tiny domesticated animals. Again I found it very cute. One thing I loved to witness today was one ant got her antennae stuck in the sticky, slightly dried strawberry jam. She had to tug really hard to get un-stuck and when she was free she suddenly flew backwards!! Haa Haa ha, LOL. Watching it was so familiar to things I've seen people do, in fact have done myself, that it just made me realize that, in fact, we even have behaviors in common with the very lowly animals on this planet. Probably everyone has gotten something stuck and nearly fallen on their rear ends when it surprises us and un-sticks.

I watched until some of the little guys (girls) had found the sugar solution and started drinking. They were immediately less 'drunk' looking than the one's the day before so I think it might work the intended way this time.

I did more Googleing regarding the time frame to expect zero ants coming into my home and got answere from 24 hours (already passed that mark) to a week. I'll keep the updates as long as there are battles to wage and a war to be won.

Monday, June 9, 2008


About two weeks ago I noticed that I had Sugar Ants in my kitchen. I've seen them before, the first summer we lived in our home, but didn't see them at all last summer--go figure *shrug*

Everyday it seems in the warm(ish) afternoons I have a parade of small black ants to watch. It does not matter how clean my kitchen is, they come anyway. I have to admire their determination and hope they represent. They are determined to come in my house and hope to find food. I know how ants are. They release pheromones as they walk around hoping to find food, they 'taste' the air, ground, and other objects for edible particles. If the ant happens to find a food source they will leave a different trail of pheromones on the way back to the colony to 'tell' the other ants where to find the food and what kind can be expected. The other ants then follow the trail back and --Viola-- they continue to come in increasingly alarming numbers, even if you have cleaned every crumb up off your counters. They still come. I've tried breaking their pheromone trail but they seem to be able to follow it even after I've just bleached the counter. Trying other household cleaners was just as ineffective.

I am a very soft hearted person towards animals, yes, even insects, spiders and bugs. I do not allow the killing of anything in my home, even spiders (they get 'escorted' out the door via a cup limo). So usually I would not wage a bloody battle against any insect in my home. In fact I've had spiders take up residence in my shower, they seem to enjoy the humidity and keep the mosquito's off us in the summer (or maybe that's not it at all, maybe they like the 'view'? LOL). I also enjoy watching cute Jumping Spiders hunt while in my house, they are my very favorite spider!

So, you get the point. I'm nice to creepy-crawlies. But these darn ants...I just cant stand them anymore!!!!!!!! They have to go. I did a Google of "how to get rid of sugar ants" *Lord Bless Google* and came up with over a million hits of different means of extermination. Boric Acid seems to be the very best thing for it. Today I picked up a bottle of it at the Pharmacy and mixed it with some strawberry jam. I smeared it on the outside of my house and waited with glee for the carnage to begin! He he he. I feel a little evil about that.

So I started checking the smear every half hour or so and after about two hours I suddenly found about 25 of my little victims all crowded around gorging themselves. They reminded me of cattle around a large feed trough, they were pretty cute all lined up. I felt a short pang of guilt about it, but, gosh they just have to go!! I also noticed as they started getting full the ones that were moving off were staggering around like little drunk sailors. If you listened carefully you could just about hear them hiccuping and calling out to their friends that they were going home to sleep it off. Ok my imagination is running amok. LOL. I touched a couple of them and they certainly didn't scurry off like normal so I knew the Boric Acid was having the desired effect. Hmmm or was it??

I realized that the whole point of this is for them to take their full stomachs back to the colony, share it with the others and ultimately feed some of the poison to the queen, thus efficiently dooming the entire lot of them. Without the queen, no eggs laid, no eggs laid means no more increased population. But my ants were already feeling high from their meal and I stated to see them freeze and die almost immediately. I over dosed them. I needed them mobile enough to lug it back for the others but and at the same time not kill them right away. So back to Google I went to ask: "recipe for sugar ant killing, Boric Acid". Right away I got a 2/1 sugar-water ratio with 2 Tablespoons of Acid per two cups of water. Wow my original recipe was a Tablespoon of Strawberry Jam to a teaspoon of Acid. Uh yeah, mine was too strong *roll eyes*

Boy does killing ever require a lot of thinking. Sheesh!!

Tomorrow I'll go out and remove my strawberry jam mixture and replace it with a proper sugar water solution. And hopefully this will be the final battle of this war dramatic ant war.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

It's Ok to be Vulnerable

I have many, many faults. Sometimes I feel like hiding my faults from others, but the older I get the more comfortable I am with others seeing them. In the past I only felt safe with my closest family members knowing that I was not perfect. Being imperfect was not a safe place, ever, when I was younger. I know I am not the only person ever to feel this way. It's also a sad way of living your life. I spent far too much time hoping people around me would not dislike anything I said or did and I counted a day as a good one if I went through the day without a disapproving look from someone. So I did a lot of hiding.

But everyone has to grow up. I'm still in that process, but have come a long way from that fearful little girl I once was. I'm not boasting about myself, so please don't take it that way. I just have some thoughts that I'd like written down.

I think that one reason I have such a great relationship with my Mom is that she sees my faults. I can tell her things about myself that would make others judge me harshly and forever embarrass me because of the judgement I see in their eyes and actions toward me. But not my Mom, she sees my faults and will tell me what they are. That is one of the hardest things to do--be honest with someone enough to see their faults and then be able to tell them what you see and still have respect and love for that person.

I'm not implying that I love it when someone tells me that I was wrong in some way or that I've sinned. I'm normal, it hurts and makes me angry at first. I still find myself going back in time to my childhood where I felt that if I did something wrong and was found out I'd lose that person's love. So my knee jerk reaction is to be angry and reject their point of view.

What I am saying is that if you try and see only the good in someone, by putting 'blinders' on you can only ever see part of who they are. People are a whole, not just good, happy, rosy people. Everyone has thought, done, said things that are less than what we know is appropriate or good. People who put on these blinders are very sad to me. They are people who cannot ever know another person because they are unwilling to see the entirety and depth of the person. It is very sad indeed. I also have to ask these questions: Why is it so important to only see the good things about people? Why can't we be more accepting of other's faults? Is it because it they have a need for everyone around them to be perfect because they are afraid of their own faults and therefore vulnerability?

Back to my Mom. She knows my many faults. I have found it rather cathartic to be vulnerable with her by telling her and accepting her telling me my faults. It was a weight off my shoulders to be so open with someone and learn that she did still love me. And the same applies to her faults, I love that I know that she is and will never be a perfect person. Sometimes I've complained about that, but in retrospect if she were perfect I don't think I could love her as I do because I would not feel ok to be vulnerable with her over my own shortcomings. It is give and take.

My husband tells me all the time that I 'share' too much with people, I over explain things. I think part of that is me trying to take others guards down and show them I'm not perfect because I wish that I could have a vulnerability with most everyone I care about. I laughingly will tell people embarrassing things about my past, or tell them about a lie I told so that I can be open to them in that way. I just wish more people were open to that as well. If we are not willing to be vulnerable to other meaningful people in our lives then when are we going to be comfortable being vulnerable with God?

The really sad thing is that God is the ultimate when it comes to matters of the heart like I'm talking about. He will not reject you in a vulnerable time, he already knows everything any how. So how silly is it to hide from him in the same way we hide ourselves from each other? So maybe it's easiest to start admitting our faults to God before we can practice this type of honesty with other human beings? I don't pretend to know the answer, I would think it would be different for everyone.

In being a parent I hope that Eric and I can maintain a level of honesty and vulnerability towards our children because I never want our kids to think that they have to hide from us. I hate dishonesty, and so I hope to show my children that they are loved and accepted for who they really are and not just for the person I want to see. I want to have my children grow up never having to be afraid of losing love from others like I did. I want to be a vulnerable person for the sake of others.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Having a Bad Day? Listen to a Baby Laughing Will Make it All Better!!

So the last few days for me have been not so great. I'm having major hormone issues, and at the same time non-hormonal issues that seem to get so magnified by the hormones!! I really hope this bad PMS does not keep up for long, I'll have to change my pills.

Eric and I had a long talk yesterday. I'd love to give details, but for the sake of our relationship I'll let those remain private. It was one of those talks that I hope other couples have, I think most probably do. You know the kind I'm talking about, the talks where you actually communicate on a level where you feel you've really been heard and you know your spouse got to get some things of their chest as well. It was a very good conversation and one that has left me a little sad, but at the same time energized. I pray that we remember the conclusions we came to with this discussion. It was good. :)

I've been wondering lately when Hannah would start to laugh spontaneously. She laughs often enough if I tickle her. It's so incredibly cute!! But tonight she was on the couch with me and I started to sing her the ABC's, she loves it when I sing to her. Anyway, I decided to sing the alphabet to her by saying the sounds three time each in order. She really got a kick out of it (don't ask me why) and she laughed at me!! She thought it was really funny especially when I got to "G" and "E". For the first time I was not torturing a laugh out of her, she was just giving them. It was so darling I can't even tell you. What a special moment to cap off a couple not-so-great days.

God has a very special way of telling you to hang in there when you need it and I think that's what he did for me today with Hannah. I'm especially glad Eric was home to be able to see it and have the same joy that I did. It was so special.