Saturday, July 16, 2011

Hope Is Still Alive

But, not our baby. Baby died at about six weeks gestation. After all I explained in my last post we did finally get to see the yolk sac and fetus inside. It was real. In a way that makes me very happy to know that it was real. I suppose in some strange way it legitimizes the sorrow we are feeling.
My sister, Heather and her two girls, Lexi and Kiley came to visit from Ohio for the past two weeks. In fact, they just left this morning. Our visit was extreme in several ways. Extremely fun, extremely exhausting, and extremely stressful.
I had been spotting for a couple weeks before they came. I started period-like bleeding within a few days of then arriving on the 2nd of July. We made a whorl-wind trip to see our Grandmother and I felt like crud the whole time. Cramps and increasing bleeding. Mercifully we had booked a Motel and I didn't have to stress out about what was happening while pretending I was cool and collected at Grandma's house. I found it easier to deal with in a Motel. I don't know why.
When we got back from Grandma's house my husband was leaving on his "Guy's Trip". An annual pilgrimage to the sand dunes of the Oregon coast. They ride motor cycles and quads and have a sweaty, good old time for four to five days. I didn't want him to go. I was having increasing anxiety about what I was about to face. The inevitable expulsion of the baby we hoped so much for. I was really freaked out about this.
So Eric left. And I had to put on a brave face for our guests and make sure my own daughter and my sister's daughters didn't have to face my very adult problem. I knew that I had to make sure this wasn't on their shoulders. I guess I did OK with it. Though at times I was really bitchy....sorry but there's no other word that applies. I was tired, in pain and scared. Not to mention I had to deal with our daughter 24 hours a day with no break for over a week, all the while entertaining my out of town family members.
For me this baby was real the very second the home pregnancy test came of miraculously positive. I smile as I type this. The joyful feelings are still strong and a fun memory. I can say with certainty that I already loved this baby, for looking at my three-and-half-year-old made me know all the fun, love and change that was in store for us. I am so ready for that again. My love for my living child makes me love the lost one all the more.
I am blessed to be able to love like this. Thanks to God.

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