Thursday, July 21, 2011

Off The Cuff

OK, so I have figured out why I couldn't edit properly.  I needed to upgrade my editing tool for blogger...did that and now, as I type this, it looks totally different.  That's cool though.  I didn't really want to abandon my blog.

This post will probably be quite hodge-podge and random, so just warning you....

I have been very tired today, exhausted really.  There's no good reason for it.  I only did regular things, cleaned one of my bathrooms, got my floors cleaned, cleaned the bird cage, made dinner, did some laundry.  Nothing extraordinarily busy.  And I am pooped.  And in a lot of pain.  That's kinda weird too.

I want to ask a question though, to those of you with children: If someone you knew saw your child doing something they shouldn't or something inappropriate, would you want that someone to tell you about it?  I'll answer that for myself.  If Hannah was doing something socially unaccepted or wrong and I didn't see it I would certainly want a responsible adult to tell me.  So, FYI, to "you" out there--If my kid is doing something you don't like, please tell me.  Yeah I know, as promised this is really random.

OK on to another topic.  Rabbits.  I have 6 rabbits for sale, though probably only 5 because I will probably eat an adult doe I have and keep one baby doe back from this litter for later breeding.  I have a Californian doe that I've bred twice and she doesn't seem to get pregnant.  This is a doe I bought with registration papers, and was a "proven" mother.  I'm beginning to think I was taken by the breeder.  She isn't getting pregnant.  She either produces or I eat her.  She's not a pet (mostly because I really dislike her temperament, she's more skittish than wild rabbits).

So, let me start over, I have five baby rabbits for sale and have gotten only a handful of inquiries about them.  I will continue to feed them for another month or so and butcher them, or whatever is left over if sales pick up a bit.  Not such a bad deal with rabbits you either get cash in hand or you can eat them.

When at dinner tonight Hannah started talking about this "baby bullet" thing.  Took me a few minutes to realize she was talking about this: Baby Bullet Food System. LOL.  The NOT funny part was when she said, "Mommy will you get that for our new baby?".  Ughhh....tears.  I turned my head away so she didn't see my reaction--but it hurt.  A lot.  I thought about telling her about the miscarriage, but of course using age appropriate explanation. But I couldn't do it.  I don't know if it's better to leave that alone or to tell her the baby isn't coming after all.  I guess time will tell.  For now I chicken out and avoid the topic.

On that same line of topic--I really want to be pregnant again.  I didn't know how long it would take me to feel like that again. But, surprise!  Not long at all.  This feeling may go away and come back later, I really don't know.  This is all uncharted territory for my heart and brain.  Also if I get pregnant soon then I can avoid telling Hannah that there's no baby coming.  But more than that is that I just really want to start over and have another chance.  I have fears of another miscarriage, but right now, sitting here, it's a chance I can totally take.  Ask me tomorrow if I still feel this way, you might get a totally different reaction.

I have a tendency--in my way of dealing with bad things--to try and "move on" way before I am really emotionally capable of doing so.  My mind tells me to suck it up and get on with my life, but my heart drags along behind kicking and screaming.  The bad thing is I don't hear my heart until I'm in the middle of an emotional eruption that I can't control.  It's not a very good scene.  I hope that is not what I am doing now, but it's really hard to recognize it. Grrrr!!! why can't I be easier to read?


Ann Crinean said...

What you are going through is really hard. I will continue praying for you. Love, Ann

Jamie B said...

Thank you Ann :) We do appreciate your prayers! love you too

Erin said...

I'm not sure i want to say what I'm thinking but here it is. Give control to God. Easier said then done, I know. Hannah may surprise you if and when you do tell her. Kids usually don't put the same importance as we do for such things. I pray God gives you the right words should the time come.

Jamie B said...

Thanks Erin :) I appreciate the comment, and you are right. God is in control...until I try and take it back LOL. Thanks for the reminder.