Monday, September 26, 2011

Can't sleep

So.  Here I sit, on the computer at 1:49 AM.  Too much going through my mind to sleep, I was too cold in bed anyway to get comfortable.

I am a bit bothered by something, actually a bit more than "bit" but not in a huge, dramatic way.  I'm not angry.  I think I am a bit puzzled, feelings might be a little hurt, I know I can say I am "irritated".

Since so many people close to me read this blog I will have to tread lightly by what I say about this.  I'm not about to bring something out in the open about someone I know on my blog.  But since it has everything to do with me I think its OK to, at least partially, talk about what's bothering me.

I think my main problem regarding this is that I am not naturally a very organized person.  I am getting better and learning to be though.  But it is a hard thing for me to do.  Just one of my many "flaws" I suppose.  But where I lack in that area, I make up for in other areas.  Do I sound defensive?  I guess maybe I do, but its not coming from a place with out some justification.

My real issue is that I feel like I have been spoken about to people regarding this "thing" without justification, or a real reason to say anything about it, except maybe to make conversation.  I don't care of someone needs to be informed of one of my bad habits, but please make it on a "need to know" basis.  Everyone get this clear?  I am very open about my flaws, more so than most people are.  And I am also pretty easy to talk to about said flaws, if you approach me with respect, love and some gentleness. 

Even when someone has said something not-so-great about my personality I don't immediately dismiss such a comment, especially from someone I respect.  Even if I find it to be untrue I still consider their position.

I think lately I have had some interesting interactions with people.  I say "interesting" in the way that I am scratching my head wondering why that person felt the need to say some specific things to me.  Then recently someone came right out and commented on my said personality flaw and little puzzle pieces dropped into place.  Ahhhh...NOWwwww I get it.  OK.  I suppose I should have seen that coming.

I had some insight from a good friend of mine.  They told me that this is a "boundary" issue between this person and I.  And I agree.  If I had addressed said comments/criticism when it started I would probably be asleep right now.  Touche.  This is paritally my fault. And IF I wasn't clear to begin with I will clarify now: Said personality flaw complaint isn't completely unjustified.

What is unjustified and unfair is the persistent feeling, lately, of having to watch what I say in avoidance of fueling this little fire against me.  It is unnatural for me to watch every thing I say to people I love and to have to guard my conversation.  I really don't appreciate that feeling.  And it's bothering me.  A lot.  To know me is to love me right?  Not in an arrogant way.  What I mean is isn't it OK to be yourself with close loved one's?  If someone knows me, and loves me, I should be accepted.

Especially since this issue at hand isn't a huge, life-interrupting issue.  It's not the end of the world, and really doesn't directly affect the person who seems most concerned with it.

OK, enough of that.

Tomorrow I have a job interview.  Looking forward to bringing in a bit more money to cushion our budget.  We are actually doing OK, but have such little wiggle room in our finances that it's difficult to maintain things as they are.  I really hope this works out and turns into a good position for me.  It is just part-time care-giving, a man who has early-stage Alzheimer's. 

I have also gotten two new dog training calls this week. Both of which have resulted in Behavior Evaluation appointments.  Why, yes, I did write them down.  Thank you for asking.  I have emails out with forms and paperwork and appointment times all set up.  One is in my home town and one is in Silverdale.

This will also bring in some revenue, so I am all around happy about this.  Plus, it's been a while since I've had much dog training.  Come to think of it -- I have had NO new dog training since Foe died.  Thanks be to God.  He sees my needs and provides therein.  He sees my needs before I ask and before I am aware of the need.  Now that I am capable of effective dog training again, he sends me new clients.  Amazing :) 

Monday, September 19, 2011

My Dog Foenix

I miss my dog, Foenix.

Today was quite a productive day for me.  My big project was to clean the windows.  While cleaning the sliding glass door, I was suddenly struck by the realization that what I was scrubbing off were nose prints from Foenix.

It saddened me, but being busy with the purpose of cleaning I didn't revisit that feeling.  That is, until tonight when I was having a conversation on Facebook about the windows.  Then I mentioned to a like-minded friend (who also had to put her otherwise healthy dog to sleep this year..) about the nose prints.

And that slammed reality back into my face. Slap!  The past week has been busy for me, without a lot of time for self reflection.  However, suddenly tonight, I could see the points this week when the memory of Foenix, one of his hairs, or remembering for the 1284738948th time that I need to go get his ashes, little by little the grief was swelling inside my heart.

Yesterday I remember pulling a dog hair off one of my own brushes, only to realize that it was a sable hair: black band, thin tan band, and another black band.  It was about 2 inches long.  I looked at it for a while, held it, pulled on it between my fingers to feel the solidity of it.  Something real of him, something saying he was alive once, something that said he was really here with me.  And he was mine for a beautiful short 4 years.

His birthday is coming up.  He would have been 5 on November 7th. 

Now when I think about his final days with me I can tell myself that putting him to sleep was for his own good, and our own financial good too.  And those are also simple, but difficult truths to live with.  I think of the pain he was in -- so much so that it distracted him from his fear of Hannah, so he became tolerant of her, especially with his Elizabethan Collar on.  I have the final picture I took of him on my computer, and on my Photobucket Account.  I look at it only when I have to.  But the picture is of a dog in pain, with sad, and questioning eyes.  What are you doing?  Why am I in pain?  Why do I have to wear this collar?  It hurts me to see this, and yet, I do get comfort in the communication we had.

Foenix was so many things to me.  Our relationship was multi-faceted.  It was much like the complex human relationships one develops.  We got to know each other really well, we could finish each others thoughts -- communicating through subtle body language.  He always knew my mood, sometimes even before I did.  He was my mirror.  When I was upset so was he, when I was aggressive, so was he, when I was silly -- LOL -- so was he.  When I wanted to play he was always up for it, when I wanted to be lazy he could do that too.  He was a motivation for me to get up and get things done, and a reason to focus.

Foenix gave me the confidence to pursue my career as a dog trainer.  He was my living proof, a point of reference, of my skill.  When he was with me, I would always get questions and comments about him.  People could almost always tell I was a trainer, because of Foenix.  Or, they'd ask me where he was trained.  Foenix was a foundation for my business and for my identity, right or wrong, as a trainer and a professional.

I miss his presence in my home.  And at the same time thinking about the near constant conflict between he and my daughter, I am relieved not to deal with that.  Really, God showed His Light to me and mercifully gave me a more solid reason to get him out of my house and life.  As much as that hurts, it is the truth.  Hannah is much better off without Foenix here.

I wonder if my grief over him would be very different than it is now, if I was to lose him differently.  He died because of a disease, incurable, painful, and without very good medical management.  What if I had to give him away?  I was in that process when he was diagnosed.  Would I grieve differently?  I think so.  Arrogantly, I would almost rather have him dead than with another person.  That is brutal honestly.  I could barely stand the thought of my dog being some other person's pet or project.  Yes, God was merciful to me.

I want another dog, and still love the German Shepherd breed.  But I cannot bring myself to get another GSD.  Maybe someday.  Maybe I will be ready to love another dog, and train another dog and maybe this dog will be the dog I get to keep until he or she dies of old age.  But for now I miss my Foenix.  My heart couldn't take another right now.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

On my mind tonight...

First of all, and foremost on my mind tonight, is that Aunt Flo has finally decided to grace me with her presence.  Now, in the past I have really complained, with reason too, about my monthly period.  Not this time.  This is the first period I will have started since my miscarriage.  My body is finally getting back on track so for now I am appreciative of the back pain, bloating, and cramps.  This is hope.  This is what I cling to.

Back on the trying to conceive crazy train though.  Eric and I have decided that since none of the drugs I was on prevented the miscarriage that I won't be going back on them.  Maybe I said that in a previous post already?  It's late -- sue me.  The only drug I might get back on is the Metformin.  I liked how it allowed me to lose some weight and I didn't crave sweets.

On that line of thinking -- weight loss, appetite -- I have finally decided to get off my butt and do something about my weight gain.  Eric and I just started P90 X Insanity.  It is BRU-TAL!  As I type this, my arms and chest (or..pectorals and triceps, if you will) are aching and complaining.  I find that wonderful.  I have done three of the workouts.  One of which I have finished.  Now, now. Don't judge.  Do one of these workouts, even if you don't have a weight problem, and I challenge you to finish the entire thing!  Anyway, enough of my defensive writing.  I am doing this!  Going to lose all this weight.  And since I am doing this before I am pregnant -- I get to do it while I am pregnant too.

All my workouts so far are heavily modified.  I can't do the stretches, or lunges, or push ups, or whatever you want to call all those other torture..umm I mean, most worthwhile exercises.  If I can do the amount of reps the instructor shouts out I certainly cannot jump as high or jog as fast.  Or if I cannot manage the reps I can at least do what I can do a little faster or with "more power".  More POWER!! Is shouted ad nauseaum in these workout clips. A confession: I have feelings for this instructor.  Deep and sincere.  Akin to hatred. 

Quite possibly I might love him when I start seeing my body change back into what I think is acceptable for myself.  I'll let you know of course.

Oh yeah.  I almost forgot.  My boobs.  No, that didn't sound quite right.  I mean I have something to say about them (not that they don't speak for themselves).  I have found I need a good solid contraption in which to trust them while I strive for "MORE POWER!!" as I exercise.  I have two sports bras, only one of which I can find right now..but I digress.  So the first workout was ok, not too much jumping around.  But the second one hmm how do I describe this?  You know the sound of quickly peeling tape off something?  Ok, thats exactly the sound I expected to hear during this workout.  I thought my boobs were going to give up and leave.  Thats what it looked like too -- they were trying to escape!! I swear they were.

After doing a lot of research I decided that I need a couple really good sports bras.  Second, they are too expensive right now.  My solution?  Wear a regular good fitting bra under the compression sports bra I already have.  Viola!  Issue solved.  Thanks to several ladies on Facebook who recommended that remedy.

I won't say on here how much weight I am trying to lose.  Most of you who know me in persona already have a good idea.  But I will say what I have lost as I start to see progress.  I am really excited about feeling better, being more healthy, looking better and being a better example for Hannah.

Hannah starts Pre-school this week!  I am so proud and so excited.  More on that later :)