Monday, September 26, 2011

Can't sleep

So.  Here I sit, on the computer at 1:49 AM.  Too much going through my mind to sleep, I was too cold in bed anyway to get comfortable.

I am a bit bothered by something, actually a bit more than "bit" but not in a huge, dramatic way.  I'm not angry.  I think I am a bit puzzled, feelings might be a little hurt, I know I can say I am "irritated".

Since so many people close to me read this blog I will have to tread lightly by what I say about this.  I'm not about to bring something out in the open about someone I know on my blog.  But since it has everything to do with me I think its OK to, at least partially, talk about what's bothering me.

I think my main problem regarding this is that I am not naturally a very organized person.  I am getting better and learning to be though.  But it is a hard thing for me to do.  Just one of my many "flaws" I suppose.  But where I lack in that area, I make up for in other areas.  Do I sound defensive?  I guess maybe I do, but its not coming from a place with out some justification.

My real issue is that I feel like I have been spoken about to people regarding this "thing" without justification, or a real reason to say anything about it, except maybe to make conversation.  I don't care of someone needs to be informed of one of my bad habits, but please make it on a "need to know" basis.  Everyone get this clear?  I am very open about my flaws, more so than most people are.  And I am also pretty easy to talk to about said flaws, if you approach me with respect, love and some gentleness. 

Even when someone has said something not-so-great about my personality I don't immediately dismiss such a comment, especially from someone I respect.  Even if I find it to be untrue I still consider their position.

I think lately I have had some interesting interactions with people.  I say "interesting" in the way that I am scratching my head wondering why that person felt the need to say some specific things to me.  Then recently someone came right out and commented on my said personality flaw and little puzzle pieces dropped into place.  Ahhhh...NOWwwww I get it.  OK.  I suppose I should have seen that coming.

I had some insight from a good friend of mine.  They told me that this is a "boundary" issue between this person and I.  And I agree.  If I had addressed said comments/criticism when it started I would probably be asleep right now.  Touche.  This is paritally my fault. And IF I wasn't clear to begin with I will clarify now: Said personality flaw complaint isn't completely unjustified.

What is unjustified and unfair is the persistent feeling, lately, of having to watch what I say in avoidance of fueling this little fire against me.  It is unnatural for me to watch every thing I say to people I love and to have to guard my conversation.  I really don't appreciate that feeling.  And it's bothering me.  A lot.  To know me is to love me right?  Not in an arrogant way.  What I mean is isn't it OK to be yourself with close loved one's?  If someone knows me, and loves me, I should be accepted.

Especially since this issue at hand isn't a huge, life-interrupting issue.  It's not the end of the world, and really doesn't directly affect the person who seems most concerned with it.

OK, enough of that.

Tomorrow I have a job interview.  Looking forward to bringing in a bit more money to cushion our budget.  We are actually doing OK, but have such little wiggle room in our finances that it's difficult to maintain things as they are.  I really hope this works out and turns into a good position for me.  It is just part-time care-giving, a man who has early-stage Alzheimer's. 

I have also gotten two new dog training calls this week. Both of which have resulted in Behavior Evaluation appointments.  Why, yes, I did write them down.  Thank you for asking.  I have emails out with forms and paperwork and appointment times all set up.  One is in my home town and one is in Silverdale.

This will also bring in some revenue, so I am all around happy about this.  Plus, it's been a while since I've had much dog training.  Come to think of it -- I have had NO new dog training since Foe died.  Thanks be to God.  He sees my needs and provides therein.  He sees my needs before I ask and before I am aware of the need.  Now that I am capable of effective dog training again, he sends me new clients.  Amazing :) 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love you.....Eric