Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year

I already said it.  This is my new year to make my blog more awesome (and consistent) than it is now.  I really want to set a goal of at least one blog entry a week.  This is my diary, kinda.  If you already read this regularly you know that I post a lot of very personal thoughts and feelings here.  Now is the time for you to bail if you don't like it.  This next year will be pivotal for me and my family.  It has to be, what would life be without conflict, resolution of conflict, lots of happy and sad times?

So this is my first blog of 2012.

On my mind right now?  Laundry, house work, parenting...getting pregnant again.  This is on the forefront of my mind.  We have been actively trying to get pregnant, officially, now for 2 years.  That's 23 months of disappointment.  It would be 24 months except I was pregnant this spring but miscarried at about 6-7 weeks. 

My husband was on a drug for about a year that kept him from producing sperm.  It took three months for his sperm production to get back to normal after stopping the drug.  That first month I could have gotten pregnant I did.  I chose to have a "natural" miscarriage, meaning I didn't go for medical care during the physical portion of the miscarriage.  In lay terms I aborted the fetus and other tissues at home without any help from my doctor.  I could have opted for a D & C but I didn't want that.

My cycle didn't seem normal (but what is normal with PCOS?) for the next couple months and I was having a lot of problems with pain.  I ended up with a D & C after all, along with a polyp-ectomy surgery.  Now I am two full cycles past my surgery and wondering if I should "let nature take its course" and "forgetting about trying to conceive" or do we go for more medical intervention?

Financially it makes sense to give it a few months.  And as I write this out and also discuss on FB with friends, it seems to make sense for Eric and I to wait a couple more cycles and try on our own.  I am one of the most impatient people in the world.  Since we have been trying for two years my patience is wearing thin, as is my emotional state surrounding pregnancy.

Not just me being pregnant but others pregnancies too.  The more I want it the harder it is for me to see others pregnant.  I allow my fears of not being pregnant again to make me feel anxious and upset.

I am getting to the point where I do not want to hear of others being pregnant.  I don't feel like I am jealous -- I do not covet their pregnancy, baby, ect.  I just would really like to have my own.  And I wonder, quite honestly, if God wants us to have another baby.

I have been praying a lot about if I am even supposed to have another.  If not, then what I am supposed to do?  I really always pictured myself with several kids, especially after we had Hannah.  Is she supposed to be sibling free?  I have a lot of good things I could do for others if I don't have another child.  I can be a Mom to Hannah while having a lot of time to do other stuff.  I could serve a lot of people and God with that time.  I feel like if I am not meant to have more kids then God must have another mission for me.  I just have NO CLUE what it could be. LOL!


kim greene said...

look forward to reading your blog as you post to it-I appreciate you sharing your life with everyone!

Jamie B said...

Thanks Kim! You are a dear friend to me that I've never met. Means a lot to me that you'd take your time to read my blog! xo