Friday, January 20, 2012

Black, White, and Grey

I am not a patient person, I have said so before.  My Mom really knows this about me.  She and I were talking on the phone today and I told her I don't think my Trying to Conceive journey has made me any more patient of a person as I was before.  She quickly agreed with me, possibly a little too quickly LOL!!

What I am trying to say is I seem to have several more weeks or months to wait in my journey.  I don't think I will suddenly become this uber patient person during this time either.  As I thought about ways I have changed in the last few years I can say with all honesty is I have become more patient.  Just not patient about becoming pregnant.

I am more patient with people in my life.  This holds especially true for our daughter, Hannah.  She has taught me, through love and out of love for her, to be a kinder, gentler version of my Pre-Mommy self.  No one else could cause me to bend like she has.  My husband has gentled me a little too, but not nearly in the same degree.

I am a Black-and-White thinker and reactor.  I used to have NO grey areas in my ideas, reactions, interactions, ect.  Grey scared me, made me very uncomfortable.  I might even say a grey area made me very insecure.  I didn't care for the feelings Grey Areas force me to feel. It was icky.

As I get older there's a lot more Grey Area room inside my heart and mind.  Grey Areas are areas of tolerance, acceptance, softness, humility, and forgiveness within my heart.  Grey Areas are still areas I struggle with every day.  I am still a Black-and-Whiter, it is who I was born to be.  At times it's been a learning curve that has hurt me terribly, I have carried wounds and acted like a victim because other people thrust their Grey Areas into my life.  At times Grey has been hated!!

I have learned to enjoy the Grey Areas sometimes.  Hannah has helped me so much with this.  Children are naturally more Black-and-White than grey thinkers, even if their personalities tend towards grey in the long run.  For Hannah I have had to teach her patience, which is a huge Grey Area usually.  Funny how when you teach someone else something you usually learn more about it than they do.

I see so much of my way of thinking in my daughter.  Some flattering and some not so much.  I hope she can grow up with a fondness for the Grey Areas in life, but be a steadfast Black-and-Whiter when she needs to be.  What I pray for her is a balance of the two.

I have learned patience through watching her grow.  By the Grace of God I have not forced so much Black-and-White upon her as my instincts tell me to (of course with some meaningful acceptions).  It is a struggle sometimes, to be patient when she has something or done something wrong.  I have to teach her, not just tell her right from wrong!! What good is saying something without truth to back up the idea?

So I wait, in a big huge ugly Grey Area.  Wait to know what is going to happen with my body.  In the mean time I look forward to the days with Hannah and more growing and learning on both our parts.


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